I Love Her, I Hate Her

Dani Wheeler-Kaiba

Wow…I never imagined this story would reach a NINTH CHAPTER! It's amazing to think it started out as a one-shot. But all you wonderful reviewers (sob), not to mention some of my friends – who I normally don't let anywhere NEAR my stories – you've all managed to convince me to keep going with this.

Argh I refuse to get all mushy. Let's just say, this chapter's for Laura, Joey and his sister Cherise (friends who have read so far).

Now! Back to the story! This chapter's in Lily's diary…and SHE IS ABOUT TO REALISE SOMETHING MAJOR!

I don't know whether I should love or hate Sirius Black right now.

Don't get me wrong, he's still a total jerk, but he gave me the biggest laugh I've had in ages.

It never ceases to amaze me how someone who gets top marks in all his classes can be so stupid! You'll never believe what he did…

Okay. This morning I went down to the Common Room, sat in my usual seat, getting ahead on my homework. And I couldn't help but notice a piece of paper lying right by my feet. Now, after one bad experience with reading other people's things, I wasn't very likely to make the same mistake twice. So I ignored it.

It's Saturday today, so I could have breakfast late, which meant I was able to stay doing my homework for a while. I'm proud to say I didn't touch the paper at my feet. After about half an hour, the Portrait Hole opened, and in came none other than Sirius Black. I glanced over at him, just to see who it was, and I saw he was staring right at me.

So I asked him why he was looking at me. He said, "Because I was sitting there earlier this morning, and I thought I might have left something of mine there. A little blue book, you haven't seen it, have you?"

I said I hadn't. And I asked him if it was his diary. He told me that only girls use diaries – his little blue book was his 'thoughts journal'. I told him he was an idiot.

Then, as he was going up to his dormitory, he said, "I hope none of the pages fell out of my thoughts journal. I wouldn't want anyone finding out my secrets…but I guess sometimes it's good for everyone to know the truth about things."

He left me there, thinking that that was a pretty cryptic thing to say. But I understood perfectly that he had just told me in a very unsubtle manner, that the piece of paper at my feet was from his diary. So I couldn't help but think that he wanted me to pick it up and read it. But why would he do that? My first thought was that he liked one of my friends and wanted me to tell them.

Now, like I said before, I hate reading other people's things, and I never wanted to do it again after I came across James' cruel diary entry, but Black just invited me to read his. So would it be such a crime for doing what I did?

I picked it up off the ground.

It was in my hands.

I read it.

And I burst out laughing.

I couldn't help it! It was the stupidest thing I'd ever seen!

For starters, for a diary entry, it sure sounded like it was talking directly to me. And it was all about how I should loosen up and understand that James really loves me and is more than an annoying prat.

It was ridiculous!

I'll bet he was trying to be really subtle about it – just like he was when he 'told' me that the paper fell out of his diary. I can't believe he planned this whole thing, just to get me to like James! Doesn't Black know that James is just pretending, that it's all an act, that deep down he really hates me? Maybe he thinks James has given up on trying to get a date with me, so he's trying to set us up himself.

It's so depressing. And offending. James absolutely loathes me, and he hasn't even told his best friend.

Ever since I read James' diary entry, everything's been different. Sure, he's been declaring his love to me on a daily basis as usual, but since I know he doesn't mean it, it seems so hollow. I never thought I'd see the day when I wanted to hear him say those three little words, and still think he actually meant them. But it's really easy for me to see that I miss his annoying advances. He still does them, but don't you see? I know he doesn't mean it, so it's empty.

I miss the days when I thought he loved me.

Unbelievable, right? Me, missing James.

…Hey, I just realised something. Since when do I call him by his first name?

…

Oh, gods.

I don't…I couldn't…

I don't…like him, do I?

Dun dun duuuuun…