Lunatic Jamboree

Preface: This 'one-shot' 'comedy' is a 'new project' by Kenji (me), whilst I wait patiently for Sakako to finish the missing chapter for "Odd Couples" (our primary work)

This was completely improvised; ie I didn't have a plan beforehand, though that's not particularly unusual for me, Hahahahaha… cya! Oh yeah, post-script: read, review, don't even try to pay out, etc! Enjoy?

Warning, this segment requires at least eight weeks of training in intense bizarro humour…

The clouds rolled overhead. The thunder clapped, permeating through the entire district. The forked lightning could be seen looming over the hapless Kichijoji district. It was as though an epic battle were occurring in the stratosphere, two maniacal archangels blasting the hell out of one another with 'magic bolts' or 'zetatech kannonrayz ULTA-ELITE KOKORO EDITION'… Hey, it's artistic licence. Despite this unruly weather, Kagura pressed on, determined to reach Kaorin's house in time. She quickly glanced at her watch… 4:00. She was supposed to be there at 5:00… why the hell was she running so fast! And more importantly, why didn't she check her watch before leaving home! She shrugged, and decided it would be nice to get there early anyway, since she'd never been to Kaorin's place before (who had?).

For those who aren't aware of what's going on – ie, all readers, Kaorin is/was/will be having a birthday party (rapid tense change, hahahaha…) at 5:00… like I said earlier. Technically, it's not her birthday, so it's basically just a standard, good old rowdy get-together type of thing. Especially since Tomo is coming. Returning to pure, unadulterated past tense now, Kagura traipsed her way up Kaorin's excessively long driveway (she only had one car…), being careful to avoid the frightening, feline figure that she occasionally spied in one of the many well-maintained orchids that dotted the yard. A few moments later she was banging relentlessly on the unfortunately quite malleable front door, calling Kaorin's name in an uncharacteristically panicky screech (that catlike deity was getting closer…). Kagura heard the petite girl rushing down the stairs, yelling;

"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

…then winced as a particularly harsh burst of lightning discharged directly onto Kaorin's front porch (five meters away. Shiiiit…). When she opened her eyes again, assuming she had closed them in the first place (don't people shut their eyes when they wince? I'm not an expert on facial expressions), Kaorin was standing in the doorway, trying to look as cheerful as possible… and failing miserably.

"Uh… Hey Kagura… Would you like to come in?" she asked 'cordially'. Kagura glowered at her.

"Is that some kind of stupid sarcastic joke? Let me in!"

Kagura barged past the smaller girl, who closed the door meekly and led Kagura upstairs. They eventually arrived at Kaorin's spacious bedroom, which seemed frighteningly familiar (some kind of parallel universe wormhole was created… see "Odd Couples", chapter 6 for less info), which was littered with mediocre shojo manga, etc etc… (I've definitely seen this place before somewhere…). Underworld's "Mosaic" was blaring from the ridiculously expensive Zstereo SyZtem (copyright Zony), and an episode of DearS was being projected onto the far wall by a DEMONSOFT XXX+ ProjeKtion Device (copyright Moozer).

"DearS? You actually watch that garbage? Hahahaha…"

…after making this vulgar observation, Kagura plopped herself down on a Panda leather armchair… which was probably contraband. Kaorin just blushed diffidently and rapidly changed the channel to "Barren Wasteland Of Hell '06" ("Which Challenger Will Defeat The Horrific Overlord Of Destruction? Find Out In This Brutal, Gratuitously Violent, Self-Indulgent, Post-Apocalyptic Hong Kong Crime Thriller From The People Who Brought You A Film That Had Exactly The Same Plot Structure As The Rock, Independence Day, etc etc"). Just when Kaorin reached the zenith of her intolerance (during the infamous "Let's Kill Pointlessly And Make It Seem Like It's A Deep And Meaningful Mood Piece" segment… aka the entire film), there was a quick succession of knocks from downstairs.

"Uh… I-I'll go get that."

Kaorin hurtled out of the room and leapt down the stairs, leaving Kagura to chuckle raucously in solitude (not that she noticed).

"Hi Kaorin! Happy Birthday!" …Chiyo

"It's not my birthday, but hi Chiyo-chan!"

"Kaorin! What's your cat's name?" …Osaka

"I have more than one cat… But how did you know?"

"He was roaming around the front yard! He told us to get out, or somethin'!"

"What the hell…?"

Sakaki didn't say anything. She immediately turned crimson, and looked away discreetly… which, from Kaorin's perspective, implied some 'things'… was she being rejected? etc… but she wouldn't let that be known, of course.

"Hey Kaorin. Where's Kagura? We couldn't find her." …Yomi

"She came here about an hour ago… she's watching one of those disturbing thrillers… sigh." note: she didn't just say asterisksighasterik.

"You mean Barren Wasteland Of Hell! Man I gotta see this!" …Obvious.

"Uh…"

Tomo rushed past Kaorin and in a few moments, the athlete and the psychopath could be heard guffawing in unison, whilst their friends, still on the doorstep, looked rather concerned for their mental health/stability.

After all her guests had filed in, Kaorin made to close the door casually, but some kind of intuitive measure prevented her from doing so. Three hideously disfigured beings entered the foyer, uninvited, followed by two young males, who were around her age – and probably went to her high school, judging by their clearly counterfeit uniforms. The pair bowed.

"I am Sakako." said the shorter fellow with the streaked hair.

"And I am Kenji." said the taller one, who had a long brown 'mushroom pilot' hairdo. Both of them, after bowing once more, turned towards a camera, which had materialized from the ulterior realm.

"In this scene we had to depict the turbulent emotions felt by the protagonist, Yukino Miyazawa, as she struggled with the maniacal inhuman lord of the north-southern hemisphere…"

"Cut! Kenji… You've got the wrong story man!"

"What? But it says clearly on this page…"

Kaorin gazed at the nonsensical duo in bewilderment for a few moments, then returned to her bedroom, hoping fervently that socializing would restore her fragile sanity. She was followed… but by who? Figure it out. Join the dots. Make the connections. Contact us. 1800-WEREALLYCOULDNTCARELESS.

…She was followed by the Fuzz.

Kenji's note: Well… hahaha… I think everyone needs a good dose of pure madness once in a while, and I hope to impart that lunacy to 'you' (ie, the mentally stable masses… hahaha hahahaha…) via this incomprehensible prose.

I won't make a second chapter for this, so you can forget about that! I'll just do a Kaorin/Kagura fic or something. Or maybe Kagura/R.G.N. (Randomly Generated Character). Don't fret; it won't have any 'laughs' in it… actually there will be a few (perhaps 'chuckles' or 'snorts' is preferable), but no author cameos or inane warping of narrative structure, I promise, ok? I'll make it hardcore angst! Hahaha!