The Unexpected Dominion of Bean

by Cloud612

This story is full of characters from many classic works and largely influenced by Geoffery Chaucer. It's alot of fun :

The Unexpected Dominion of Bean

It was in and about the Martinmas time, when three glorious warriors joined together on a quest to find the one being who would bring a long awaited peace to their homeland of Los Angelot. For nearly a hundred years past there had been a horrible war raging between the Everstars of the North and the Red Dragons of the South side of the Kingdom. Unlikely it seemed that there would ever come an end to the battle, for nobody could really remember why they were fighting in the first place. Some say it all started when a renegade from the South kidnapped a puppy that belonged to a resident of the Everstars. This puppy was so unbelievably adorable that an act so indecent could ever be forgiven, hence negotiations never took place and the bloodshed began at once. However, this is merely folklore, the true story may very well be different.
For the past century nonetheless, nobody could fathom a plan to end the fighting. Southerners were even attempting to give puppies to northern inhabitants, but unfortunately none could match the cuteness of the fabled and stolen dog of yore. Finally though, there came an idea and a voice strong enough to draw the attention of our three northern voyagers. The wizard Merlin, often called the Oracle of the Ages embodied this voice. Merlin happened upon and told Beowulf, The Green Knight and Sir Lancelot that there was a spirit who could bring a period of peace to the Kingdom. This prophecy had come to him while he was indisposed, as do where most good ideas come from. He also told them that there would be a journey involved to find this entity and it would not always be easy. Being the strong men they were though, the warriors would not be discouraged.

At the moment this story begins, they had already been traveling for two days without much luck.
Beowulf, the self-proclaimed leader of the group, carried a heavy sack of coffee beans that he had found earlier that day. His companions were beginning to get slightly irritated by his constant rambling about what he would do with his findings.
"Let it be known men, that coffee will overtake tea as the must have thing to drink." Beowulf said loudly as he lofted the sack upon his back. His horse slumped slightly beneath him and grunted with a shake of its mighty head. "I think I shall invest this into a, um, well a coffee brewery of sorts. I can hear it now… 'The best part of waking up, is Beowulf's in your cup.' Pretty impressive phrase I must admit." Lancelot sighed heavily and nudged his stallion so that it would advance to the front of the pack. "Also," Beowulf continued, "I'll begin a pub to serve my coffee! I've given it some good thought and I'll probably call it Starbucks. Everstars, Starbucks, I think it works." There were a few moments of silence while the bean connoisseur marinated in his self-produced glow and a faint smile began to spread across The Green Knight's face.
"We are nearing our destination my comrades," the Knight said quietly. "I have foreseen it." There were a few more unspoken moments as Lancelot looked back and glances were exchanged between all. Lancelot slowed his horse and fell into place between the two others.
"So, what do you think "The One" will look like?" Lancelot said to nobody in particular. Mr. Green chewed on his lip and Beowulf ran a callous hand over his rough chin.
"Well," The Green Knight began, "If we remember correctly what Merlin told us, all he had to say was to keep our eyes open and be aware of the color red." All three soldiers felt an odd sickness in their stomachs at the mention of 'red.' "All we can hope is that he has red hair or something, and not that we'll run into more fighting."

THE PUB

The air was musty and thick throughout the Not-So-Leaky Cauldron, a pub just barely over the border onto the northern side of Los Angelot. Tonight, three men gathered together to drown their sorrows and two of them because of women.
John Graeme poured the fourth drink down his burning throat and slammed the glass down on the round table that he and the other men sat.
"Careful John, you're going to end up cutting your hand to ribbons." Arthur, a king from a neighboring nation called Camelot told him. Graeme just clicked his tongue and ordered up another round.
"I have no need of showing care, this pain inside I can not bare." Graeme said as his red eyes watered. "Never before have I felt this way, I wish I had truly died that day." Arthur looked at him and nodded.

"You're a good man John, might talk a little funny, but you're a good man. I understand how you're feeling because I once had a woman and lost her as well." Arthur took a sip of his drink and looked over at the third man before directing his question. "So, what's your story gentle sir?" The guy raised his eyes slowly and set his bearded face in his hands.
"They're gone, all of them. Dead. I don't have any place to be anymore. I mean goodness; nobody even knows my name around here. Everyone calls me 'The Wanderer.'" Arthur looked upon him with gentle and caring eyes.
"Tell me then, what is your name?" The great King asked.
"Aaraphrodofradjalistik Bayakabatooka IV." The Wanderer replied nobly. Both John Graeme and King Arthur choked on their respective drinks. Graeme looked at the poor lost soul and spoke bluntly.
"I think not that they don't know your name, it's just long enough to drive a man insane." Arthur nodded.
"Too true my friend, for tonight, we'll simply call you Frodo." The Wanderer smiled a little and then without warning began crying uncontrollably. The other men sighed and went back to drinking.
On the other side of the Not-So-Leaky Cauldron sat a struggling author named Geoffrey Chaucer. Once a well known and popular writer, it had been a good three years since he had written more than five pages worth of parchment towards a single story before throwing the idea out the window. He'd tried everything, from altering his diet to spending evenings atop different homes to try to find some inspiration. Today he was attempting to make himself drunk enough to find a porthole to some magnificent work of literature. However, all his drinking had done was amplify the loud cries of Frodo from across the way.

THE LADIES OF GUILLOTINE

They were known as the Ladies of Guillotine, because they made you want to die. Today however and most surprisingly, they were not breaking any hearts. Instead, they were wandering the streets of southern Los Angelot in search of the most fanciful of market places. Being such high maintenance women they were, only the highest of quality dealers would suffice. Barbara Allan and Lady Guenevere turned jewelry over and over in their moisturized fingers and each time tossed it back in disgust.
"I'm telling you Guenevere, finding good diamonds these days is like finding good men. Nearly impossible and the one time you do find one, you probably overlook it." She sighed and picked up another stone to admire. "I was going to take my life the other day because I passed up my chances on that John Graeme fellow, but I haven't got around to it yet." She set the jewel down and put a hand on her hip to relax for a moment.
"I guess you're right Barbara, but if you ever have the chance, why settle for one when you can have the best of both worlds?" She held two shimmering rocks, one in either hand and smiled. "I think I've found a couple that I can use in one of my bracelets!" She tossed the smallest coin she had to the merchant before taking a breath and stared directly at her friend. "I do regret hurting Arthur like that though, don't think for a moment that I didn't feel for him." Barbara nodded gently and turned to Guenevere.
"I've never doubted it my lady." She meant it honestly, but still a sideways glance was given before Guenevere smiled at Barbara Allan.
"He came to me the evening he found out and said that he understood. It must have been dreadfully awkward for him though, because he admitted to having fancied Lancelot for the longest time." Barbara's mouth fell open as Guenevere told her this and was nearly at a loss for words.
"You can't be serious? The King infatuated with a knight of the round-" She began dumbfounded, but was silenced almost immediately with a finger to her mouth.
"You shan't tell a soul though! Can you imagine how quickly gossip like that would fly between here and Camelot?" She shook her head and continued. "If word of this got out, Arthur would probably change his mind about letting me live." Barbara simply smirked and went about her business. Not wanting to stay on that topic for long, the two women continued to converse about other goings on as their day of shopping went on.
"I tell you, the world's going to the birds. But you know what they say Guenevere." Barbara said after a sigh.
"What's that Barbara?"
"Obladi, Oblada, life goes on." And she did a quick tap dance and hit Guenevere in the face with a banana crème pie.

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

As the journey continued, the strong men who began as invincible warriors were finally beginning to get a little discouraged. Although the Green Knight kept saying they were nearing their goal, nobody could find any real evidence that could support his claims. To make things worse, the path they traveled was in a chasm that was closed in by rocky hillsides and it was quickly becoming narrower.
"How much longer do you think it will take to get there?" Beowulf said as he looked up at the rough ledges above them.
"I don't know, but I can sense that we aren't too far away." The Green Knight said.
"That's what you said about an hour ago!" Lancelot grumbled through clenched teeth. "Now I don't mean be an ignoramus, but I'm starting to get a little irritable." Suddenly and quite loudly, there came a chanting that echoed throughout the canyon. All three horses jerked to a stop and their ears twitched nervously. The men upon them drew their swords, for lack of anything better they could think to use to defend themselves from scary voices.

"What is that? What is it saying?" Beowulf said, looking in all directions. They all three remained silent for a moment and listened to the chanting.

Estauns Interis Ira Vehemente
Estauns Interis Ira Vehemente
LANCELOT! LANCELOT!

Lancelot grew pale as his name echoed throughout the ravine.
"I… I don't get it, what are they saying?" He listened again and cursed himself. "I knew I should have studied Latin…" He looked at the other men who were as clueless as he was. The chanting continued on and a small rock tumbled down the right side of the bluff. The Green Knight was quick to look up and spotted a shadow that moved swiftly along the top of the overhang.
"You, who art thou!" He shouted to the phantom. A fat little pink head glanced down at them and made a strange sound. "Ah… a pig." Mr. Green said irritably. The pig turned around and urinated down the wall.
"Yes, a pig." The pig spoke loudly. "But I can speak Latin and I can see that you're having a problem translating this chanting." The men were awestruck by the speaking animal. "Lancelot, I sense you are an angry spirit!" The knight of the round looked up at the promising slab of bacon and shook his head.

"I am no such thing! I am a noble knight indeed, mister pig!" The pig squealed a horrible squeal.
"Then why is it that the guardians of time and fate are saying you have a violent anger burning inside of you? Perhaps this has to do with the fact that you have the soul of a sinner!" The pig then ran off, his voice trailing in the wind saying something about being wary of the temple.
"That was most odd," Beowulf said as the chanting began to simmer. "Talking animals, I wonder what's next?" As soon as it had before, the chanting began again but this time it was in English.

What is love?
Baby don't hurt me

Don't hurt me, NO MORE!

The horses sprang to attention at the horrible sound and sped down the hallows of the canyon to escape the echoes of the Guardians. Soon though, the way became foggy and the adventurers could no longer see the path before them.

"Mr. Green Knight sir, I think you were right about us nearing whatever it is we're looking for, the past few minutes have definitely been a change of pace." Beowulf said, holding his sword out in front of him in case they were to run into anything. Lancelot was not as optimistic as his cohort though and was again getting frustrated.
"God forbid we stop running into idiotic things that are slowing us down! I grow tired of these shenanigans!" The longhaired knight said as he swung his fist through the haze. Before long though, there came a clang from the end of Beowulf's mighty sword and they all came to an abrupt halt.
"WHO GOES THERE?" Bellowed a voice from behind whatever contraption stood in their way. The men all looked at each other and The Green Knight decided to speak up.

"We are here in search of the one that will bring peace to our troubled nations!"

"Ahh," The mighty voice replied. "So, with you would be the one that has put Grendel's headless body into physical rehab?" Beowulf tilted his head slightly in surprise.
"Yes, I Beowulf am here as you have spoken." The warrior said.
"Well then!" The voice called excitedly. A miniscule window in the fog sprang open and immediately the air was clear again, revealing the towering gate. There then was a tiny man who came to the window and smiled a toothless grin at them. "That is a force of a different color!" The gate made a rusty sounding creak and began to rise, allowing the soldiers to continue on their way. As they passed, the little man hollered at them one last time. "The temple is just up ahead, but beware the challenge before you!" One could not help but feel a little awkward when receiving advice such as this.

THE TEMPLE

It was monstrous in size and filled the men with a sense of overwhelming astonishment as soon as they laid their eyes upon it. They made haste and passed over a rickety bridge before dismounting their horses and standing before the stairwell leading up into the temple. Before they entered though, Beowulf tied his sack of coffee beans to his horse's leg.
"By St. Loy, this is amazing." Lancelot said running a hand through his curly locks. "Let's get to it then." The other two thought about mentioning the fact that they were supposed to be careful, but Lancelot was already sprinting up the incline. A doorway was at the top of the stairs, closed in with vines, and without a moment's pause Lancelot sliced through them with his blade. He stepped inside the temple and the other men were not far behind. Glancing around, they could see that the interior was lit with dozens of candles, and it wasn't quite as spacious as it had seemed from the outside. There was more ceiling than anything else. "Alright, so where is this sanctified figure anyway." Lancelot said squinting.
"Slow down a little Lancelot," The Green Knight said. "Remember what we've been warned."
Lancelot huffed and looked around again.
"I know, I know, but it's time we end this and go home to a peaceful land." He took a few steps deeper into the temple. "Where are you, oh divine creature?" With that, there was a fluttering and a handsome rooster landed at his feet.
"At long last!" It spoke. "I have waited here forever it seems and the day has finally come!" His red feathers glowed magnificently and he held his head up proudly. Beowulf and the Green Knight looked at the expression on Lancelot's face, which was basically that of utter disbelief.
"Glorious rooster," The Green Knight said. "We are honored to finally meet you, and I'm sure you know why we are here." The cock nodded.
"You can call me Chanticleer, and yes I know. You desire what we all desire; to know what the Matrix really is." He spread his wings for a moment and then settled.
"What?" Beowulf asked. "No, um, we're here to resolve the war between the Everstars and the Red Dragons." The rooster fluttered briefly.
"Oh!" It said loudly. "Well in that case, follow me!" Chanticleer took flight and the men ran after him, following him down the faintly lit hallway. "Your path ends here, as soon as you pass this one obstacle!" The rooster landed again, this time in front of a giant wheel of the alphabet. "All you must do is spell out the element that will bring an end to your war. Here's a hint; its something you have already run across on your journey here." The Green Knight turned quickly to the other men.

"Guys! It's coffee; it's got to be! I can see it as bright as day." Beowulf nodded at him
"You're right, it makes sense! I knew people would gather around to drink it. It must hold sway over the population or something and make them forget their problems!" Lancelot looked at Beowulf and smiled.
"Alright then, I'll spell it!" He ran over to the wheel and started spinning it. "C," He turned the giant wheel to C and pushed down on round rock at the base of the wheel. "O," He turned it again and did the same. "F," Lancelot was obviously becoming excited. "E," Suddenly, the ground right beneath Lancelot's feet gave way and he fell into dark pit, screaming as he descended. "Oh $#! guys!" He screamed again and his voice eventually drained out in the depth of the abyss. The other men's mouths fell open and they looked at each other.
"Well, I guess it was his fault. The idiot couldn't spell coffee." Beowulf said as the floor remade itself. "I'll give it a go." He walked over and without incident spelled out coffee, causing the ceiling to open up and the stones they stood upon to rise towards the roof. "Woah, woah, what's all this?" Beowulf said, crouching down to keep his balance. The moving rocks were making quite a rumbling racket.
"I, I don't know!" The Green Knight said, looking at his counterpart. "I think this is a good thing though!" They went further and further up until the rumbling stopped and they looked around to see what had become their prize. "I knew it," The Green Knight said, starting to smile. "What a treasure."

AND SO ALL THINGS MUST COME TO AN END

Back at the Not-So-Leaky Cauldron, the empty mugs were really starting to pile up at King Arthur's table. The Wanderer continued to cry and because of it John Graeme was developing a splitting headache, or at least that's why he though his head throbbed.
"He cries so much it hurts to think, it's even hard to take a drink!" Graeme tapped Frodo on the back and he sat upright, finally stopping his balling. Arthur just looked out the window towards the road with thoughts of his lost bride.
"Oh Guenevere, what ever shall I do without you?" Just then, a brilliant flash caught all the inhabitants of the pub off guard and Beowulf and the Green Knight appeared with piles of coffee beans surrounding them. Arthur turned his head slightly and waved at them. "Great, now I've gone crazy." Arthur said before frowning. Beowulf smiled brightly though and grabbed a handful of the beans, running towards the bartender.

"Sir, I ask you to brew these beans here, I kid you not, they will become a new favorite of your customers!" The bartender looked at him a little oddly. "Mr. Green and I have just been on a voyage for the past three days in search of an end to this horrible war and these are what we found at the end of the journey!" The bartender shrugged as if to say "what the heck, let's give it a try," and took the beans to make a brew.

About half an hour passed and the pub was beginning to get quite crowded. Out on the streets, it caught the attention of Lady Guenevere and Barbara Allan, who decided to go take a look-see at what was going on. They made their way through the crowd and eventually entered the Not-So-Leaky Cauldron, trying to see over the heads of all its inhabitants. When they found a hole to fit through, they ended up coming out of the crowd right next to the table where John Graeme and King Arthur were sitting. Of course, nobody noticed each other right away because there were so many bodies in the confined space.
"Oh John, I think we've both made mistakes in our day, but should we really have to suffer this much?" King Arthur asked his depressed counterpart. Graeme nodded and with a sigh he said this.

"The pain rips at my heart like an eagle's talon, oh how I long for my Barbara Allan." At the sound of her name, Barbara spun around to see John sitting there.
"Holy mother of Mary!" Barbara Allan yelled. "John Graeme, you're alive?" There came a steady rise in the volume of the pub, as Beowulf and the Green Knight climbed onto bar stools.

"Hear us!" Beowulf called to the pub-goers. "We have found a sure-fire way to end the war!" There was a mighty cheer that erupted at those words. "Take a cup of this coffee, everyone, drink up and take our word for it; you'll feel right as rain afterwards!" Without much fuss, everyone took a cup of coffee and started passing it to the man or woman beside them. Soon enough, everyone had coffee, even Guenevere and Arthur. "Now! Indulge yourselves in its grace!" Beowulf cried.
"In honor of our brave and noble friend Lancelot, who I am very sad to say was lost on our journey." The Green Knight said, raising his cup in a toast.

"Lancelot? Dead?" Arthur and Guenevere said in sync with one another. They turned to look at where the voice they had heard had come from and there was a moment of uncomfortable silence between the two. They mouthed voicelessly for a moment and then shared a smile. There was a murmur throughout the crowd at the mention of Lancelot's death, but then everyone lifted the bottoms of their cups to the sky and drank heartily. As the coffee touched everyone's lips, a great light overtook the Not-So-Leaky Cauldron and there was a intonation that almost sounded like the angels singing in harmony with one another.
"I feel AMAZING!" A usual drunk hollered as he turned to the man beside him. "Brother! Why have we been fighting all this time? There is no need for war!" Everyone cheered again and a feel of total comfort and calm began to overtake the people in the pub. They made their ways to tables and sat down to begin mature conversation with a relaxing cup of coffee.
"Arthur, I um, it's great to see you, my lord!" Guenevere said, curtseying.
"Likewise my dear," Arthur said with a slow nod. "Likewise."
At the same moment, Barbara Allan hugged John's head in her arms and began crying tears of joy.

"I thought you were gone John! I didn't realize until it was too late to tell you that I really was in love with you. But here you are, like, like some sort of miracle!" Graeme began crying too, all his fears suddenly gone away.

"I don't know what for sure to say, except miracles happen every day!" They cried together and embraced one another as The Wanderer looked on.

"Well great for everyone. They're all so happy, but look at me. I've got nothing." He took a drink of his coffee. "Hmm, wow, this is pretty good actually." He took another sip and looked toward the doorway where a small creature crouched and beckoned for him. Frodo stood up and began walking towards the crouching being and squinted his eyes. "Who are you?" The creature continued to motion for The Wanderer to come to him.
"We's must go now, we can't be keeping the others waiting!" It said to him. "Come with us, we's been knowing you were here… My precious." Frodo stood upright and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
"No…. Nobody has called me their precious since that day I lost everyone." He said quietly. "Alright then, I'm coming with you." The two lonely individuals then ran off together down the alleyway.
Geoffrey Chaucer still sat alone on the opposite side of the pub and finally took a sip of his coffee. Suddenly, his eyes lit up with the passionate fire that they once held so long ago.
"I've got it! I know how my story will go!" He took out his quill and began writing as quickly as his hands would allow. "I've even got the ending!" He looked at his coffee and then around the pub, smiling at the fact that everyone was getting along.

"And they lived happily ever after. Until the end of their days."

And so they did.

THE END