Hello my lovlies, this one has been sitting on my computer for years, and now its practically finished, I'll share with all of you. Let me know what you think.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Mentions of self harm

Chapter one

"It's getting bad out here, hurry up and get inside. I'll finish getting the bags in." I shooed Christian inside, it had been snowing since this morning, when we'd left, even though the sun was still up, the temperature had dropped dramatically since we had left home only hours before. We'd just gotten back from the supermarket, we had been shopping for the mountain of food that we'd need for the first Christmas that we were really celebrating since leaving the academy. My father, Abe Mazur, had given us the go ahead to stay in his rarely used cabin a few months before, so Christian and I had been here for month's now and we had loved every minute of it.

Well, I say cabin, but it's like a mansion made out of wood. It had a very large master room with a joined bathroom and closets, this we had left for baba, for his visits, which were more numerable now that Christian and I had moved in. A second, equally big, master suite upstairs, with its own bathroom and closets, but this one had something extra special, joined on to it was a small log balcony with seating and a fire pit and Jacuzzi; this joined onto the main 1st story balcony with a walkway which was hidden behind a trellis. The cabin had another 4 large and lavish bedrooms, a living area for the guardians which could sleep up to twelve with kitchenette, seating area and a couple bathrooms; all of that along with a small feeders living area. It really had been made with everyone in mind.

Abe had explained to them that their cabin wasn't the only one in the area, there were others in the surrounding vicinity, all owned by royal or rich Moroi. But there were at least a couple acres in between the cabins and many of which weren't used very often, so we probably wouldn't see the neighbours. He was right, we'd been here for a while now and except for when we venture to the shops we hadn't seen a soul. And that was exactly how we liked it.

I had left court, in the company of Christian; just over a year ago when Christian had found Lissa with Aaron and after Dimitri had told me that he didn't love me anymore. It had been a dark moment, it was too much for me to see him around court, I'd risked everything for him and he couldn't even look at me, I was drowning in my sorrow in the archives while Dimitri went back to being Lissa's primary guardian and Lissa, well, after the church incident she had become cold towards me, then she had begun hanging around the other royals. Once, Lissa had told me it was because the Queen had told her to, but I could see that she hadn't put up a fight because she wanted to stay away from me too. I guess graduation really did change friendships.

This had become the kink in my armour, my downfall, I become badly depressed, when Lissa had stopped spending time with me, I made the decision to break up with Adrian, he didn't want to break up, but I knew I was hurting him with my feelings for Dimitri and I couldn't lead him on any more than I already had, and in turn I hurt him even more than I had wanted too. Then Eddie had been taken off archive duty, and I was glad for him, even when he took my place as Lissa's secondary guardian, I didn't blame him in the slightest, but it was a full time gig, he was always working, sleeping or trying to make connections with other guardians that wouldn't be on permanent archive duties. I saw no one, did nothing, even in my job no one spoke to me, I had been made an example of, and the powers that be went full on with me so others wouldn't disobey.

At a particular bad moment of mine, Lissa had been at a party, showing off how she could heal dead plants, over and over she was using her powers and I was taking all the darkness that she was producing. The darkness was filling me up, filling every crevice that I had in me only acting to make my depression worse. I was sat by my bed with a razor blade, maybe if I cut the bad feeling out, like Lissa did, it would help.
But then the darker thoughts became loud and echoed through my brain. It was all too much. No friends, no family, no career I had nothing. I risked everything so they all could live a happy life. I wasn't worth it. I was weak and stupid, I couldn't even run to the human world I had no money, no home, nothing. I was nothing.

I wanted it all to end, realising it was Lissa's darkness making it worse I phoned the only person I could think of who could help, Lissa, she'd know how I was feeling and she could heal it out of me. But it was plainly obvious once I had her on the phone that she was too busy at the party and didn't want to leave.

Before I knew it I was pushing the razor into my left wrist, I watched the blood spill down my skin, surely it would make it all go away all the pain would leave. I didn't need to battle the darkness anymore all I had to do was swipe the blade across and lie down. I wouldn't be missed they'd feel bad for a few days then carry on. Lissa had her new friends and guardians. Adrian would find someone who wouldn't break his heart, Dimitri could move on with Tasha and Eddie would know I was with Mason. Janine wouldn't know any different and I'd only just found out about Abe so he wouldn't know the difference either. I thought that maybe I should leave a letter and to be honest the thought left my head quickly I had nothing to say. I had no voice.

I was just about to bring the razor across my wrist again, ending my pain, when I felt an arm snake around me and grab the blade out of my grip. I opened my eyes to see two knowing blue ones that were full of pain and tears. He said nothing but he held a shirt to my wrist where the razor had been digging in. He enveloped me in his embrace. I hadn't touched anyone in weeks, even at the gym no one wanted to spar with me as I had a bad reputation.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in Christians arms, who was on the phone. I didn't know who it was but he was pleading with them. I didn't really care, I zoned out hugging my knees to me. If only he hadn't come I wouldn't be in pain now.

He brought me around from my numbness by pulling me up. He placed my shoes on my feet and walked me outside. He pushed me into a waiting car and there started my new life. I have no idea how he managed it, but Christian had insisted that I would become his Guardian, which took a lot of waggling but he did it. We left court that day and hadn't been back since.

Christian rolled his eyes at me when he passed me again for yet another trip back to the car for another mountain of bags. There was a lot, but as baba was arriving tonight so we needed to be ready. Baba had six guardians and my mother would be joining us as well. So with eight dhampir's, a feeder, and two Moroi, for at least two weeks, we needed a lot of food. Not forgetting food for Odin and Nyx, our Golden Retriever and Newfypoo.

I know, I know. Animals normally hate dhampir but Odin the git loved me, he went on runs with me, slept in my bed, hell, he jumped in my bath the other day, much to Christian's amusement. Odin, the Retriever, found us in Yellowstone about 11 months ago, we'd been hiking through the brush and once we emerged from the trees there he was at the summit, just waiting for us; from there he'd never left our side. And then there's Nyx, she, we later found out was a Newfypoo, a mix between a Newfoundland and a Poodle, she has a rust coloured coat and is already massive even though she is still a puppy. Odin found her curled up in box when we stopped for gas, we'd been travelling north, she was dirty and hungry and well we couldn't leave her. The two canines had become a part of our make shift family and we loved them.

Christian and I had begun decorating the large cabin for Christmas, even the Guardian and feeder's quarters, where they both had their own sitting areas, had garlands and trees, but I'd left all the trees undecorated, I figured we all could have fun decorating them together, I'd never decorated a tree before and I was looking forward to it.

Abe had already had ward makers at the cabin, before we moved in, to set up the wards around the perimeter, it meant that we should be able to relax, just a little, but Christian and I had added to our perimeter for extra safety. We'd managed to charm silver with the fire element, well Christian had, I'd just come up with the idea. The idea was that if an undead magical creature, i.e. strigoi, came within 50ft of it, it would fire a warning fireball towards its target and alert us through the silver rings we wore at all times. I wore mine on one of my toes so I wouldn't bend it through training. Adding to that the state of the art alarm systems and the panic rooms with their own wards, along with cameras around the property, we knew we had a fighting chance.

We put some music on while we packed away the grocery shopping; I hoped that I had thought of everything and that we were ready to receive our family. I had already made a huge batch of stew that was simmering in the 2 large slow cookers that we had accumulated for the large amount of people that would be eating, when they got here. Yeah I know, Rose Hathaway cooking, but we had to eat something while we were away. Christian had taught me all he knew and then we'd picked up some other skills on our travels, you needed to cook a lot when you travelled in a van across the country, I even went so far as picking up cooking books. Yes, I, Rose Hathaway, owned a cookery book. Shut up, I heard you snicker. Baba had even built me a huge state of the art kitchen hidden away in the basement for if we had parties or just a full house and wanted to hide away to cook, I thought it was too much, but he wouldn't take no for an answer, it had a service lift to take food to and from the floors without lugging it up and down the stairs. I didn't often need to use it, not with only Christian and I living here but I did disappear into the room if I wanted a bit of alone time.

Odin followed me out to the car for what I hoped would be the last trip; I'd forgotten a couple bags in the back seat. Odin barked looking towards the top of drive way, sure enough I saw two sets of head lights. I spotted Pavel in the driving seat and waved. Baba almost bounced out of the back seat while Odin leapt up to him barking and trying to lick baba's face, who was laughing and trying to give the large golden canine a hug.

"Down Odin. Sorry dad, he gets so excited when you come, you shouldn't give him treats every time you see him." I said, my eyes roaming down and noted my dad's hand disappear into his pocket. He answered with a wink and continued to give Odin a treat.

"Nonsense." He said pulling me in for a hug.

I clocked mom behind baba, she was giving Odin space while she walked past baba towards me.

"Seriously mom, Odin is so loopy he doesn't care that we're dhampir." Odin was now rubbing his side against mom's legs making her cringe and me laugh.

I grabbed the last few bags, which were promptly taken by baba and Pavel. We walked in convoy into the cabin and into the kitchen.

"Something smells good kiz."

"Stew, but you're earlier than expected so it's not ready yet."

"We managed an earlier flight, they reported snow storms for the next few days and we wanted to be here early so we didn't get stuck. The place looks amazing kizim." Baba added while he looked around the kitchen, which was festively decorated with garlands and candles around the cabinets.

"Abe, Janine! You look great!" Christian exclaimed when walked in with Nyx by his ankles.

Dad's Guardians were already taking the luggage upstairs, I started unpacking the last bags and Christian put one of the kettles on. Baba and mom sat at the counter so they could talk with us while Christian made drinks and I made dumplings for the stew. When I looked up I noticed the long kitchen table was already filling up with Guardians all showered and changed now that they were mostly off duty.

"Rose, Christian, that smells amazing, I still can't get over the soup you did last time. I tried to make it, it was a disaster." I laughed and shook my head, recognising the deep voice that had spoken, I turned to Jones and smiled warmly. Alex Jones was in his late 20's, Australian and although he tried, he was hopeless at cooking, I had tried teaching him to make tomato soup in the summer, yeah, I was cleaning soup of the kitchen ceiling for a week.

"You are banned, Alex, seriously. If you make a mess, I won't be saving you this time." The table erupted in laughter.

Soon all ten of us were sat at the table sharing the stew and bread with a lot of laughter. I saw baba feeding Odin under the table and shook my head.

"You spoil him."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." He feigned innocence.

"Rosemarie what have you and Lord Ozera been doing?" My mom spoke up. I was wondering how long this would take. Mom always wondered what Christian and I were going to do with our lives. I had been keeping a little secret from my mother, this was the reason Christian and I had been spending so much time here in Montana in this cabin.

"Well, as you know dhampir don't get a lot of academic subjects, so in April I passed my GED. Christian and I have been attending college since the start of last term, The university of Montana. In conjunction to that Christian has been be helping out at St. Vlads every other week and while he's doing that I've been helping with the combat training with the novices."

I wish I had a camera, mom had frozen with her spoon halfway to her mouth, which was wide open. Baba had a smile on his face, which isn't totally out of place seeing as he knew exactly what we were doing. He was the one paying for my college and as he wanted me to gain a degree he was paying for another guardian so I could attend lessons at the same time as Christian.

"What are you studying?"

"Christian is studying business and economics and I have been doing History and Psychology. But we've also been doing some dance classes together."

"Have you thought about this? You're a Guardian, we have no place studying! What will you do with it?"

"I won't always be a Guardian." She looked like I had slapped her, her jaw fell and her face tinged red, like her hair.

"What? Are you quitting? You're acting juvenile, shirking your responsibilities like this. How could you?" The table went quiet. I knew that Abe and his guardians agreed with me. Dhampirs needed more choice, not every dhampir had the resources I could have because of Abe and so I was trying to break the mould, so to speak. Someone had to be the first.

"Of course I'm not quitting! But what happens if I get injured and I can't guard anymore, or I get too old, or gods forbid I have children? I want to be able to provide for myself." She looked me full in the face her eyes regarded me closely, I knew the moment she realised what I was telling her, that if I became pregnant I would leave being a Guardian. "I assure you I am not shirking anything I take being a Guardian very seriously. But the world is changing mom; Dhampir can have children with other Dhampir now, through spirit! Hell we can even have children with humans. Moroi are starting to help defend themselves making the odds in our favour. In our graduating class alone there are more students that have survived their first year than in other years!" She gave me a look like I was being a silly girl, which angered me more. "Don't look at me like that. Are we not allowed to love too? We don't have to have a job where we wonder if we'll make it home to wash up the morning dishes. I would like options where I don't have to become a whore to survive if I'm not a Guardian! Now if you'll excuse me."

I left the stunned table, placed my plate in the sink and walked calmly to my room. Odin was already on my bed before I even managed to shut my door. I was so stressed but the snow was too thick so I couldn't go for a run and I didn't want to see anyone so the gym was out, but a look out my balcony doors made my mind up for me, a long soak in the hot tub would do just the trick.

I walked to my sheltered balcony and lit the fire pit. I took the cover of the hot tub seeing the steam rise. I changed into my bikini and grabbed my towel. Odin had taken up his usual place lying by the fire keeping warm, the fairy lights made the area cosy and although the air was freezing, slipping into the hot water made it heaven. I leaned back and shut my eyes, listening to the wind blow as it blew the snow around the grounds.

"You know I think she handled that well." I looked up to see Christian slipping in the water next to me, he had a glass in his hand which he handed to me and a smile on his face. I took a sip, mmmm red wine.

I laughed. "I suppose, there's always going to be some who will dig their heels in for the changes that are coming. But sticking their heads in the sand isn't going to make it all go away. Dhampir are striving for reform. Somethings got to give eventually."

"I have never been more proud, than I am right now." I turned to see baba at my balcony door. Pavel and Jones behind him nodded in agreement. I noticed baba was already in his swimming shorts with a towel over his arm and a robe over him; he threw the robe and towel down with mine and got in opposite me. "There is nothing wrong with wanting more than what this life is giving you. You deserve to have a career that you love but not one you're forced into. Whatever you choose to do you will be amazing."

I felt a tear fall which was promptly wiped away by Christian.

"So when are you too going to make it public?" Abe asked us.

We both laughed, "there isn't enough money in the world baba."

"If you say so kiz." He winked at me giving me a knowing smirk.

And that's how we spent the rest of the evening, the three of us in the hot tub laughing and Pavel and Jones wrapped in blankets next to the fire keeping warm. We passed around the wine each drinking from the bottle and having a bit too much. Christian told Abe some of our escapades while we had been traveling and some from college. Abe threw his head back and laughed deeply when I got stuck outside our hotel room in Amsterdam, how I was butt naked and the corridor was full of people dressed up for a rocky horror show sing along, and how I got back inside with the help of a Dr Franknfurter, complete with stockings and suspenders.

Abe, Pavel and Jones howled in laughter when I told them that we got invited to go with them, the doctor had loaned Christian an outfit of gold shorts, while I was given a maids outfit. I had pictures to prove it. We had the best night that night. We went out clubbing after the show and it was very surreal as the place was full of maids, Franknfurters, Riff Raffs and Rockys. Baba told us some of his stories from his wild days which had us in stitches.

This was how our evening went on, I felt so happy right now nothing could bring me down.

Well how wrong was I?