Chapter Nineteen

Kaddar yawned and stretched, before collapsing against the bed with a theatrical moan. He cracked an eye open, congratulated himself, and then wished that Kalasin had been around to hear him. Another awfully stressful Council meeting. He was almost shaking. And as a result of yet more arguing about trade with the Yamani Isles, he probably had white hair already.

The emperor sighed and buried his head in the pillow, not caring if it was immature.

"Somebody's gloomy," a voice remarked tiredly.

Kaddar looked up from the pillow groggily, noticing Kalasin. She leaned on the door to her dressing room, so all he could see of her was her face and damp hair. "Hello, Kally. Won't you come out and chastise me for being depressed?"

She made to step forward, and hesitated. "Don't laugh."

"Why would I laugh?"

The empress sighed and stepped out of the cover of the other room, wishing that she was somewhere else. To his credit, Kaddar didn't laugh. His eyes merely widened to the size of small full moons, and then he stared at her. Starting at her eyes, to her blushing cheeks, and all the way down to her toes. And back up again.

Kalasin buried her head in her hands. "I am never going to let you see me in my underthings again."

Kaddar shook his head hard and sat up. "Wait, Kalasin. You look…" he considered all the things he could say about Kalasin wearing nothing but a breastband and a slip that reached just above her knees, and finally settled with "absolutely ravishing."

"Absolutely ravishing?"

"It means beautiful, just modified for the coquette that you are."

"Stop that," she said, blushing anew. "I'm not the flirt. You are."

"Oh? If I'm the flirt, why did you just waltz in here in such a state of provocative undress?"

"Big words," she smirked, crossing the room and sitting next to him. "I'm surprised. You were amusingly incoherent just a few minutes ago. Oh, and by the way—I wouldn't even be out here if it wasn't for a rather shocking random incident."

Kaddar sat back, regarding her amusedly. "Shocking random incident? Do clue me in."

"As you might know, I have three robes that I use on a regular basis. One is peach. One is pink. One is dark blue with gold embroidery. I have another robe, too. I don't really like to talk about it, after what happened on our wedding night."

"The 'other robe', you mean?"

"That's right. Curiously enough, after my bath today, I reached for the cabinet in which I keep all my robes. And I found…nothing. No peach, no pink, no blue. Only the lavender robe—which doesn't really have enough material to be called a robe—remained. Nobody except us goes into that bathroom. Nobody except you and I have the opportunity to go rummaging around in my cabinets."

"Are you implying something?" he asked, thoroughly enjoying himself.

Kalasin lost all patience, and poked him in the ribs hard. "You took my other robes! You intentionally attempted to humiliate me!"

"Did not," the emperor replied, trying not to laugh. "You're making a big deal out of this. There's nothing humiliating about that other robe, anyway."

Kalasin made a sound somewhere between a growl and a snarl, before gesturing to her chest and hips. "Look at this! Do you think I've…grown…that much in ten months? Do you?"

Kaddar gave her an appraising look. "I don't think it would be falling off you, though. Not like last time."

The empress gave him a wrathful look. "You weren't complaining, I recall. You were rolling around laughing."

"I threw you a blanket."

"After at least five minutes of watching me try to keep the robe on using any means possible."

Kaddar sighed. "All right. This could go on forever. There's no point in reliving our wedding night. The only thing it'll do is bring up unpleasant memories…" or, more likely, make me split my side laughing.

"Fine," she sulked. "But I won't forgive you for a while."

"…I'll rub your feet if you get over your anger by tonight."

"Done." With that, she moved over and placed both feet on his lap. Kaddar began to rub his thumb in slow, small circles over her soles and heels, and she exhaled in relief, before leaning back on her elbows. "I cannot believe I told you to look at my chest," she muttered at last.

"Stop that. It wasn't exactly a punishment, you know," he teased. "What have you been doing to your poor feet, though?"

"Walking. Conferences. Riding horses. Seeing to patients. More walking. My legs are killing me."

He shifted a little, moving his attentions from her feet to her calves. "That better?"

The warm press of his hands on her sore muscles felt good. It hurt and soothed at the same time, and both of her hands clutched the sheets hard. A little gasp escaped her as he began to knead the side of her legs. One of his elbows rested lightly on the side of her upper ribs, a little too close to her chest for comfort. Kaddar began to work his thumb in a circle at the base of her knees, moving back and suddenly there wasn't any room between his elbow and her chest. He didn't seem to notice, though, even as his arm brushed the area enough to make fighting the urge to arch her back almost unbearable.

"…Kaddar…" she sounded almost as if she was pleading for something, and he looked down at her, and suddenly wished that he were somewhere else.

"Oh, Mithros, Kalasin, I'm so sorry!" He pulled his elbow from his chest, feeling awful. And how long had he been invading her personal space like that? Had it hurt? Kaddar felt as if he was just about the dimmest person on earth. He had practically been…squishing…her…chest…with his elbow and hadn't noticed. Looking at her, he wondered how he couldn't have noticed.

Kalasin turned to her side, covering herself with her arms. The area he had touched was now uncomfortably warm, and she felt like hiding somewhere far away. "Okay," she said, voice muffled. "I've been wanting to ask/clarify this for ages—well, the last three minutes, about--and now I am going to ask you, since what just happened was so cataclysmically awful. Would it be better if I was…curvier?"

Kaddar let go of her shoulders abruptly, sincerely glad that he hadn't been drinking anything at the moment. "What?" he demanded.

"You know what." She struggled to get up on her knees and pull her slip down to a modest length. The place where his elbow had brushed tingled anew, making her blush even harder.

"Kalasin, you are without a doubt the most ridiculous, misguided, foolish woman I have ever met. Ever."

Kalasin blinked, uncrossing her arms slowly. "What?"

"I like you just the way you are, and I wouldn't have wanted you any other way, regardless of what robes you can or cannot wear." He leaned over and pulled her into his arms. "I'm a bit shocked you'd even ask that."

"Why?"

"Because you're…Kalasin. I didn't think that, um, you noticed physical things much." Girl things.

She rested her head on his shoulder. "Oh, Kaddar. Just because I don't show it very much or tell you doesn't mean I don't think about things like that. I just wondered about it sometimes, that's all. And having you not notice that you were squishing my chest kind of caused self-esteem issues. Especially since, er, I don't have as much in that department as others."

"Kally, sweetheart," he said softly, kissing the top of her head. "You know I just like to tease you about it, right? You, the way you are, is enough to make me more than happy."

Kalasin nodded, settling against him. She felt strange now. Relieved that he liked her the way she was, but worried that he would think her shallow or weird for asking him. It wasn't as if she had planned it, anyway. It had just slipped out. She noticed that he was finger-combing her hair gently, more as if he was brushing the hair of a doll.

She exhaled aloud, suddenly frustrated. "Why do these things have to be so complicated?"

The comforting warmth of Kaddar's fingers left her hair as he peered down at her. "These things?"

"…Life."

"You said things. That means more than one."

"…Living with somebody else and caring what they think of you. Wanting their approval and affection."

"Love?" She couldn't see him, but she sensed the change in his voice and felt his breath hitch in his chest slightly.

"Kind of," Kalasin said quietly, ducking her head down. "I…yes. It's complicated and confusing."

Kaddar laughed a little. "Complications and confusion. Weren't we supposed to have left that behind with adolescence?"

"It would have been better if we had."

He resumed combing her hair. She was beginning to recognize it as a nervous habit of his, but didn't complain. It felt good. "Life doesn't always work out so easily. We should know."

Kalasin yawned. "Do you ever wonder what it would be like if things had been different?"

"How different?" Kaddar's arms tightened around her, and he wondered briefly if he even wanted to know.

She looked up at him. "When I was fifteen and first learned of our engagement, I wished it would never happen. I think I wished it every day until our wedding. I wished that I would never have had to leave Tortall."

Kaddar realized that he didn't want to know the rest.

"But now I…I'm more than happy with you. I can't imagine life anywhere else."

She gave him a tremulous smile, and Kaddar bent and gave her a little kiss. "I think you're a little exhausted, Kally. Get some rest." Kalasin gazed up at him, looking as if she wanted to say something, but then she nodded and pulled the covers over her. Her brows were furrowed in deep thought, and he wished he knew how to soothe her worries.

She did fall asleep after a while, one of her hands clutching the sheets hard. He leaned over and rubbed the hand gently, until she released it with a tiny sigh. Kaddar looked at her, trying to comprehend everything that had come to pass in the last hour.

It was like they had both crossed a line, and now there was no going back. He rubbed her shoulder absentmindedly, having a hard time understanding what she had said.

Love. Did she…love him? Kaddar knew that their relationship had developed quite a bit. They could touch and kiss and debate and be sarcastic. But he had always thought that Kalasin had just liked him. Love was a little too large for him to comprehend. It was just beyond his understanding. He didn't even know what really loving somebody was.

He respected Kalasin for her intelligence and wit. She ensured that he never had a dull moment in his life. And he couldn't imagine anybody else by his side.

Kaddar bent down and kissed her cheek. "Sweet dreams, Kally. And…well, I care about you, too."

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