Chapter Twenty-One

In the early hours of the morning, Kalasin just couldn't sleep.

She was warm, comfortably settled against Kaddar's chest, had enough blankets, and one of his arms was wrapped snugly around her waist. On any other night before, she would have been sound asleep before this.

Inhale, exhale. Kaddar's deep, steady breathing ruffled her hair slightly. He turned his head a little, so that the side of his face and his lips brushed her shoulder blades.

Careful not to wake him, Kalasin slid out of bed, groping around for her discarded nightgown. She shivered in the chill of the early morning, her icy feet sinking into the thick, warm carpet. Her nightgown was cool, too, even though the heat of Kaddar's touch and kisses lingered on it. After pulling on her robe over the nightgown, she wandered outside to the balcony. The cold smarted, and she felt her cheeks and nose sting.

Nevertheless, she sat down in her chair, looking out over the gardens. Today was the Spring Festival, and the day looked like it was going to be as festive as the occasion, despite the chill. The palace was going to be excited and bubbly, and there was going to be a huge party this evening. Kalasin wished with all her heart that she could really enjoy the celebrations.

He was all that she could think about, lately.

It was ironic, actually. They had hated each other for such a long time after their marriage, and Kalasin had never in a million years thought that one day she would fall in love with him. It had just happened.

She had been arrogant enough to believe that he had always loved her. And then…well, when he kind of didn't, it had hurt. Why didn't he love her back? All those kissing lessons, the night with the Amoria, the playful teasing about dominant/submissive relationships…

Kalasin buried her head in her arms, feeling her stomach wrench. If she could turn her feelings for him off—or at least change them so that they mirrored his own—she would, without a second thought.

--

Kaddar yawned and reached out on the other side of the bed, blindly searching for Kalasin. His eyes snapped open after a while, finding the bed empty. No Kalasin.

He found that more than a little worrying. She was always curled up beside him in the mornings, especially on nights like these, one or more coltish limbs flung across him. Kaddar called a ball of fire to his hand, illuminating the room in orange fire. No Kalasin, no nightgown, and no robe. Of course. She used to do this sometimes, in the early days of their marriage. He hadn't gone looking for her then, but this was completely different.

Predictably, she was huddled on her chair, staring at the pale lavender sky. "Kally," his voice was soft, as he sat down next to her, making the chair creak with the extra weight. "What's wrong? You've been…different…all week. Just tell me."

Kalasin looked up at him. "I think you already know," she said, her voice equally soft. "I love you, Kaddar."

"I…I know." He looked away from her, unable to shake the feeling of guilt that had settled in his chest.

She sighed and turned away. "I love you and it hurts so much, because I thought that I could just turn it off, and I can't."

Kaddar took her hand in his, trying to pull her closer. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I'm sorry that it's hurting you, and I'm sorry that you love me. I tried to be awful, you know, and then I tried to be like your friend or older brother. Can I…help?" he asked tentatively, "Help you fix it?"

She laughed a little. "You can slap me or do something so awful I fall out of love. Or you can love me back."

"Kally—"

"I want to go home, Kaddar."

The emperor stared, not sure whether he had heard right. "You want to what? You want me to let you go?" His voice rose on the last question, and she grabbed his hand, looking at him pleadingly.

"Not like that. Not permanently. Shinko and Roald are going to have their child in two months. I haven't seen my family in almost a year. I've never even met my sister-in-law. Please, let me go. I need to…sort myself out after…" after I messed myself up over you.

Kaddar looked down at the floor, determined for her not to see the sudden hurt in his eyes. Home. She wanted to go home. And she had just begun to call Carthak home. Not any more, it seemed. "Very well, empress." His voice didn't seem like his own. "You can go for as long as you want."

Please don't leave me.

"I'll ask Zaimid to make the arrangements. He has connections."

She nodded, dry-eyed, and stood up. "Thank you…" she hesitated. "Just, thank you."

With that, she left him alone on the balcony. Kaddar buried his head in his hands, and wondered when he had begun to make everything spin out of control.

--

The day of Kalasin's departure was clear and beautiful. The ship was almost ready to leave, its sails billowing in the crisp breeze. The water was calm, light turquoise waves lapping at the ship. Seagulls wheeled and dipped overhead, looking for food to scavenge.

Kalasin flicked her fan open, fanning herself delicately. It was a dark blue fan, embroidered with gold and silver designs threading through the borders. One flick, two flick.

"Departure in five minutes!"

The call rang through the docks, and Kalasin turned to Kaddar. "I think I had better board now, then." She fought to keep her voice steady, but it quavered a little bit.

"I'll walk you over."

They went to stand by the plank, watching the last of the cargo board the ship. "Um. So. This is goodbye?" she asked.

"I guess so."

Neither of them moved.

"Departure in two minutes! Make sure the cherry trees and the ostriches are safely strapped down!"

"Kaddar—"

Completely ignoring her, he kissed the top of her head. "May Mithros and the Goddess be with you on your journey," he said formally. And then, for the first time since their fight, he pulled her into his arms for a tight embrace. "I can't let you go without telling you, no matter what happened between us in the past month--stay safe, don't do anything dangerous, have fun, don't think of me, enjoy yourself, bring back a puppy, stay away from cats or else you'll have an allergic reaction, eat potatoes and Northern food while you can, come back soon—"

"I will," she murmured, hugging him back, feeling slightly overwhelmed and trying not to cry. It had been a long time since they had touched or talked to one another on a personal level. "Take care of yourself."

"Last call for boarding!"

Kaddar caught her to him for the first kiss they had shared in a month, before she ran up the plank. After disappearing for a moment, he caught sight of her waving at him from the deck, smiling as the boat began to drift away.

A very sudden thought popped into his head, and this time he didn't even stop to think about it, or to argue the rationality of something like this…but he couldn't let her go without knowing. He had caused her enough pain already, and the least he could do was to make sure that she could whole-heartedly enjoy her time in Tortall.

"I love you, Kalasin!"

The empress almost fell over the rail, her expression one of complete shock, disbelief, and then amazement. After she had managed to control her surprise, she laughed—again, for the first time in a month—and blew him a kiss.

Kaddar watched until the boat disappeared over the horizon, before turning around and beginning the trek back to the palace contentedly.

Maybe there were such things as happy endings, after all.

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Still not the end!

Thank you so much to everybody who's reviewed. I love you guys. -hearts-