Warm arms. That was what he longed for when he fell into their shared bed at night. No matter what the world, no matter what the kingdom, he would be trapped with the ninja in a bedroom. It was something he had hated in the beginning of the journey with his current companions, but he was incapable of denying him anything.
Kurogane was a man who liked to be intimate. He was always there. When things weren't going as well as he wanted them to, when he was left to mourn for things long past, things long gone, things he was loathe to remember, Fai would fall into bed, motion for Kurogane and things would be terribly hot and sweaty and things were sure to be forgotten.
Fear would never leave him. He didn't have the courage to leave him. He wanted to, he wanted to forget the pain and the love that was blossoming in his heart, but he couldn't. He couldn't forget what was blossoming in his heart. He was falling in love with the ninja and he was ashamed of himself.
Kurogane wouldn't want to be with him like a lover. He would prefer to be with him as just a fucktoy, and that was okay. As long as Kurogane didn't know about the feelings that coursed through his body, the desire he felt in his heart, then he wouldn't have to burden the ninja.
But it was times like this, when he was lying in the warm arms behind him, that his body felt most at ease. When after a long day of fighting and having to give his all for something he didn't really, truly believe in that he was happiest. He was thrilled to be laying in the bed beside his ninja friend, lover. He didn't care what it meant, just as long as when the dark came, when the nightmares returned, he could fall into bed and enjoy the warmth of those arms. He wanted to just fall into the bed beside his ninja lover and hope for the best. He didn't want to have to remember.
XxXxXx
When the sun had risen, there were a lot of things to consider. One of them being that he and Kurogane had indeed spent a long night wrapped in each other's arms, holding each other tight and loving each other through the night. They couldn't do anything other then be friends, and when the sun came up, Fai dreaded the face he would have to see. He knew that he would see Kurogane's handsome face twisted into a snarl of disgust. He knew that he would see Kurogane's handsome body leaving the warmth of the bed they had shared and he would regret every moment spent in the daylight. He wanted to see Kurogane's body wrapped in the warmth of night, in the dark of secrets that they kept each other nice and warm.
As they moved through the day, regretting silently the things they did with each other, they were both eager and impatient to find the night. They were eager to find comfort in their arms once more, eager to find each other happy and loving and together. When the night fell, when there were no witnesses to their activities and to the secret they shared with one another, then he would be truly happy.
Happy and safe, wrapped in the warm arms of a pretend lover.