There is a pain in his heart. He can feel it when he breathes in and his chest constricts and his breath is halted. There is a fear in his brain. He can hear it whispering silently as he walks beside solid companions, looking over his shoulder, waiting for that invisible specter to find him. There is numbness in his daily routine. He knows that he should feel excited to be on this world-hopping quest, but he can not bring himself to feel anything about it, it's just another day he moves forward.
He supposes he should try to sort himself out. He would like to, but he's afraid to. What if sorting himself out means exposing himself to his companions? Companions who have become more than mere companions, who have become friends and a lover and a simple family without bounds. No matter how hard they tried, he would not talk about himself. He was a painful subject not suitable for the ears of lovers and children.
Blue eyes as deep as oceans and a smile to calm even a raging ninja, he was paradoxical and mysterious. A child even more childish than the children they traveled with. He was kind and friendly and open and endearing and he could never seem to figure out how to be serious. His smile was large and when he laughed, you wanted to laugh right along with him. And when he had lain with the ninja for the first time, he'd shared his surprising talent for being serious and sensual and wonderful.
"I will never understand you," the ninja declared softly, letting his breath whisper warmly over the pale skin. "I'll never know the real you, will I?"
"I don't want you to know," he'd managed to reply with a hint of seduction and a teasing tone in his light, lilting voice. "I don't want you to know."
The ninja had said nothing else about it, opting for the silence that was shared between the two when they shared a kiss. When they were one, he would scream into the ninja's mouth, his breath and the ninja's one. His thin body would wrap completely around the ninja, holding him in limbs that were thin and frail to the eyes and full of muscles. The ninja liked him, though his numerous claims to the opposite. The ninja enjoyed the way he was able to break the monotony of any day, no matter what had or hadn't happened. He liked the way he could turn a hopeless situation and with a simple phrase, breathe hope and life back into his companions, almost like breathing.
But most of all, the ninja liked that every night, when he lay in his bed and waited for sleep to claim him, he would have the thin body curled before him. He would have the warmth that only came from having another living, breathing human being with him in his bed. He had the soft noise that was breathing, that was proof that the pleasant dream that he had a lover in his life wasn't a lie. Wasn't something he didn't have to pretend was real. It was there. He had a lover and he was a thin little wizard who teased and mocked and smiled and smiled fake smiles.