Disclaimer: All characters (unless otherwise specified) belong to David Jacobs, Lorimar, CBS, et al and appear here strictly for non-profit entertainment purposes.
Rating: PG 13
Spoilers: Entire series and "Dallas: JR Returns"
POV: Sue Ellen
Summary: On her way to JR's "funeral", Sue Ellen ponders their relationship and the future without him.

Note: This story was originally written and uploaded in January of 2005, but removed by the site admin. I've edited it so that it meets the requirements set in the user agreement.

My eyes fly open as the plane hits a pocket of turbulence and shakes violently. Out of the corner of my eye I see John Ross staring blankly ahead with his headphones securely planted over his ears. My mouth dips into a frown when I see his eyes. They show the sadness and grief that he is determined to hide behind a stoic exterior.

Just like his father does…did.

I reach out and squeeze his hand gently as my gaze turns to the pitch black night that looms quietly outside the window of the plane.

Whether I like it or not, everything in my life always comes back to him.

JR.

He most likely is the love of my life, though our relationship was never traditional and bordered on sadistic at times.

We hadn't spoken to each other directly in years. The divorce was settled through the lawyers long ago and anything important was discussed through John Ross, who has served as our unofficial courier since I left Dallas.

I recall leaving the screening room victorious. For the first time, I had one upped him and there was nothing he could do about it…no way to weasel his way out. It became a bittersweet victory after I saw the look on his face. Shock and maybe even anger mixed in with something else. Perhaps sadness?

Perhaps.

It hurt, deep down in the pit of my stomach, to leave JR like that. Just standing there. I never did have his thirst for other people's pain.

How many times did he call me nothing more than a cheap drunk?

An unfit mother?

A tramp?

Nothing more than a mere possession?

Too many times.

We both spent too many years fighting each other. Petty victories that just caused more antagonism and pitted John Ross between his parents.

We spent too many years fighting and not enough loving each other.

Though my relationship with Don ended as quickly as it started, in a way he was a blessing. Getting away from JR and moving to London was the best thing for both John Ross and I. We were able to reconnect as mother and son without the ever present power of JR. I exercised more demons, but this time it wasn't just to spite JR.

I did it for myself.

My therapist in London thinks that I am crazy to still love JR after everything that happened.

"How can you explain loving a man that has hurt you badly in the past?" he asked me once.

"I can't explain it. I just know that I still love him," was my reply.

I've accepted the reality that I will always love JR. That's just the way it is. And that's all it'll ever be…My reality.

My reality that can never be enacted again.

The biggest lie that JR ever told me was that we could have the "happily ever after" romance.

We can't. That card just wasn't dealt to us. We corrupted our love the way we corrupted each other.

I barely hear the pilot announce that we've begun our descent into Dallas. I promised myself the only way I'd ever return would be over JR's dead body.

Who says you don't get what you wish for?

But I never really wanted this. I may have said it many times and yes, even tried to make it happen, but I never wanted JR dead. He has achieved a sort of indestructible status in my mind. Nothing stopped him.

Not his Daddy's death.

Not the bullets of several assassins.

Not any shady business deal that went sour.

Not any scandal.

I thought he would live forever…or at the very least, most of us.

"Mama? We've landed."

I look at my baby boy, who is too old to be called that. But it's alright as long as I only call him that in my mind. Out loud, he likes to be called "John." He thinks it sounds more adult than "John Ross."

I smile up at him as I stand and gather my belongings back into my carry on bag. And for some reason, this is where it hits me…really sinks in: I'm attending my husband's funeral.

I collapse back into the leather first-class chair. I bury my face in my hands and sob. This is it, this is the end. JR is really gone and with him, the opportunity to say all the things I never got to.

I'm sorry for it all.

I burnt the film three years ago to achieve the catharsis I desperately needed.

I forgive you for everything.

I love you.

I'll love you until the day I die.

The only thing I get to say now is "goodbye."

After a few minutes, I wipe the tears away from my face. John Ross is staring down at me with a deer-in-the-headlights look. It's been several years since he's seen me breakdown like this.

I put my arm around John Ross as we walk off the plane and down the long hallway to the main terminal. He leans into me and for a brief moment, he is a little boy again, running into my room to seek comfort after a bad dream. I kiss the side of his head and he wraps his arms around me in a hug.

After a moment, we break apart and look down the hall. We know what awaits us at the end. Bobby and Christopher. Southfork. JR's funeral.

I grip my son's hand and he squeezes it tightly. We'll do it together. We'll say goodbye together.

To a father…

…and a husband.

Goodbye.