Chapter 5-
I looked at my dad standing in my neighborhood looking completely mad at me and I felt horrible. I came so far from where I was and one visit back made me go right back to how I was.
Then I looked at Jordan and my heart broke. I knew I had to choose between the two of them and I knew I had to choose right then. I loved Jordan more than anything in the world and nothing could ever change that. He was my everything. My dad, on the other hand, was the only parent I had left now. He wasn't around as much as he should have been when I was growing up but I knew he loved me more than life itself.
In those few minutes of silence between the four of us I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I grabbed Jordan's hand and walked with him to the side of the restaurant. "Jordan." I started. "Since I left New York so much has happened to me. More than you can imagine."
"I know that, Babe." He half whispered to me. His green eyes were staring straight at me. I had to stare at his ear so I wouldn't cry.
I put my hand on his chest to make him let me talk. "Don't say anything. I've changed a lot and being with you makes me want to do all the things I know I can't do."
"I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. I've never been like that. I don't want you to get hurt."
I took a deep breathe and said, "J, I know that and I love that about you. But I can't be with someone who does the things you do. You got busted for selling drugs to undercover cop, J. I can't do that stuff anymore." I was starting to cry. Jordan was making this so hard and he didn't even mean to. I just loved him that much.
Being the amazing guy he is he gave me a hug and said to me, "I understand, Luce. I'm not going to make you be with me. You gotta do what you gotta do." He made it seem like it didn't bother him, and to anyone who didn't know him they'd think that. But I knew him better than anyone else. This was killing him. It was killing both of us.
When we stopped hugging and looked at each other I could see his eyes glistening with tears. In true Jordan style he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, and left. It wasn't his style to hang around and let others see what he was feeling.
I walked back to my dad and Sophie and said, before either of them could question me, "I got carried away, that's all."
My dad put his arm around me and said, "Was that Jordan?" I nodded. Thankfully he didn't ask any more questions.
By the time we finished dinner it was time for me to get over to our apartment and get my stuff from it. I told Peter and Sophie I wanted to go alone. I didn't want them going where my mom and I had spent so much time together when she was her normal self. I didn't want them to see where my mom and Jack abused me. It was a sacred place but not in a good way.
Peter and Sophie were at the coffee shop down the street and they were coming back at 8:00 to get me. That gave me an hour and a half. How could I pack my entire childhood up in an hour and half? But it was something I had to do.
I walked into the apartment I spent so much time being afraid of and that old feeling rushed back to me. I didn't feel safe. I wanted to turn and run. But I knew it was just my mind playing tricks on me. When I opened that door mom and Jack wouldn't be in there fighting. They wouldn't be drinking or screaming or smoking because one was dead and one was paralyzed.
It was the strangest time of my life picking through the things in my room and putting them into boxes. I saw my old basketball trophies from 5th grade, the report card I got that same year that was all A's, the pictures of me, Michelle, Ramón, and Jordan hanging out in the park when we all first met.
It was like reliving my life and by the time I was done and Peter and Sophie buzzed up to let me know they were there I felt relieved. It was like I finally settled everything that happened to me. Before I left I knew I had to see my mom's room one last time.
It was dark and cold in her room. I turned on the overhead light and stared at all the things my mom had left behind. On her dresser were all the things she loved. There was a picture of me, a pack of cigarettes, her spare lighter, and her perfume. I walked over to the dresser and held the perfume. I picked up the picture of me and smiled. I was so cute. When I went to put the picture down another picture slid out from behind it. I hadn't realized I picked up two pictures.
Picking up the picture I gasped. It was a picture of me, my mom, and my dad. We were all sitting in front of a giant Christmas tree. I must have been about 1 and my parents were both smiling the biggest smiles I ever saw. I hugged the picture to my chest and left the apartment.