Silence and Speaking

The riot door was raised several hours later. I blinked as my small space suddenly opened up.

We were fed as usual, though our food was thrown into the cells again. I was not hungry, though I tried to eat a little bit of TKL, but they caught in my throat, and I could not bring myself to swallow. Instead, I stood up to do some exercises, but I could not find any energy and soon sat back down, staring at my boots. I just sat for many hours, not thinking, not feeling anything, just numbness washing across myself.

However, when lights-out came, I fell asleep almost immediately, into a deep sleep without any dreams. I awoke the next morning feeling as exhausted as I had the night before. Again, I was not hungry, but I forced food into my mouth, too uncertain about what lay ahead to risk facing the day with low blood sugar. It was the right decision. I was taken to interrogation, back into the room with the painting of the starship and the Betazoid sitting in her corner. Tim'Anna and Sloan on one side of the table and me and the guards on the other.

"Well" began Sloan. Calmly, in a civil, almost friendly tone. "Today I just need you to clarify a few things. For our records. Starfleet is not 100 sure that its records are accurate, as you can appreciate, with the war, information changes so quickly and is difficult to keep track of"

"Yes?" I responded, non-committally

"I assume that means you'll co-operate. First, the second in command of DS9 is a Major Kira of the Bajoran Militia. But who is the second in command in the Starfleet hierarchy?"

"Lieutenant Jadzia Dax." I answered, feeling that his question was harmless. "But you visited the station not so long ago, you must know yourself. Why ask me?" I couldn't help adding, however.

"You should be grateful that we are asking you." replied Sloan "This gives you the opportunity to show that you are willing to co-operate. It works in your favour. OK, now. Your father is currently subject to the Federation Rehabilitation Programme for crimes relating to your illegal genetic modifications?"

"You know yourself. Why bother dragging this up with me?" I was still bitter over the way my father had been treated, he had been doing his best for me, and he did not deserve to have been punished in the way he had.

"I would advise you not to get confrontational" Threatened Tim'Anna.

Sloan then continued "Whilst at DS9, you were friendly with a Cardassian." Sloan picked up a PADD and glanced at it. "Garak. What was his position on the station, and why did you choose to associate with him?"

At last, an opportunity to redeem myself by knowing a Cardassian who, as a rebel, who had been exiled from his people. I was sure that this would convince Sloan that I was no traitor, no Dominion spy.

"Garak worked as a tailor aboard DS9" I began. "He had been exiled from Cardassia some years before, and DS9 was the only place he could find shelter. I got to know him through his visits to the Infirmary. He even supported us when we attacked Cardassian space."

"By us. you mean the crew of DS9?" Interrupted Sloan.

"Yes," I replied simply.

The questions continued, a range from space station operations, through to encounters with the Dominion in Starfleet attacks, and simple questions on other members of the DS9 crew. There were no questions which I felt could harm anyone else, so I answered them all, feeling that by being co-operative, they would realise sooner that this was a mistake.

Suddenly Sloan looked directly at me and said "Why did you attempt to cure the Jem'Hadar of' their addiction to Ketracel White when they captured you on Bopak III?"

I started. I realised his trap. I had been lulled by the gentle questions and now I was being cornered. "The Jem'Hadar on that planet were suffering, they were in pain and as a doctor, I couldn't stand by and do nothing. You know my reason already"

"Why did you feel it was your duty to care for them?" continued Sloan. as though my first answer had not been clear enough!

"Because I could care for them, and I was the only person on Bopak who could. Because everyone has the right to medical care, regardless of whose side they're on. Because if we forget our humanitarian principles, then we are no better than the Dominion."

"So." replied Tim'Anna. "Do you help the sick on an planet you visit? Do you deliberately go out of your way to spend all your time in hospitals, being humanitarian?"

His voice dripped sarcasm.

"There was no-one else on Bopak for them. If I am the only one who can help. I will do so, regardless of ideology. race or anything. If you are so ignorant that you can see no further than what side people are on, then I pity you."

I was feeling exhilarated by my words. They did not stop the interrogation, though, and eventually, after hours in the chair, I was so tired I just sat in morose silence, waiting for them to finish, not bothering to reply.

The interrogation had shaken me out of the depression which had hung over me since the day before. However, when I returned to the loneliness of the cell, I sank again, and, though I had excess adrenaline in my body from the interrogation, I just could not move. I spent more hours sitting, staring at my boots and daydreaming, seeing hazy images come from my imagination, but unable to focus on any one idea or thought. The more I thought about the interrogation, the more I worried that I had implicated someone from DS9. I wondered if maybe Sloan was attempting to gather evidence on another member of the crew, and this was why I had been treated this way. Why would he be attacking me to reach someone else? Who did he think I could implicate? The thoughts went round and round in my head.

Finally, association time shook me out of the depression. The chance to engage with other people was so refreshing, and I plucked up the courage to ask Laren about her chant, wondering what it meant, and why she sang it.

"It's the morning chant" she told me. "I sing it to welcome a new day and to remember my friends who do not see it. It's strange. I was never religious until my Maquis cell were killed. I told you that they found me, the one survivor of a Cardassian attack, hiding on J2-IV. Well it was when I was there that I re-discovered my religion. I found my Bajoran identity with the Maquis, and I found my religious identity huddled amongst their dead bodies."

I was silent after her explanation. Religion had ceased to be an important part of any human's life many years ago and I had always felt uneasy during Bajoran festivals, when I was surrounded by outpourings of religious fervour. The atmosphere in the cell block became heavy as Laren's words reminded us of our friends and loved ones who had been lost and for the first time, I envied that religious commitment, which gave someone the strength of purpose to fight for what they believed in.

Ben broke the atmosphere, though, by leaning over to me, and saying, dryly

"All this from the woman who arrived in the Maquis thinking that a Pagh-Wraith was a type of Andorian pudding"

"I did not" laughed Laren shoving Ben forward on his mattress

"Oh yeah," he said, his words muffled. " That's not what you said when we were in the Terikoff Belt"

The guards were looking suspiciously at us, and noticing their attention. Laren and Ben sat up quickly. Ben's actions had broken the sadness, though. We were all smiling, watching their banter. Laren, with a glance at Jamatina, grabbed a handful of Ben's jump-suit and pinged it back against his skin. He started, with such a surprised face that we all burst out laughing, and the looks of the guards, who were obviously shocked at our laughter, made it all the more funny.

We were sent back to our cells still giggling. I sat, relaxed, on the bench with a view of the other cells, and Laren noticed me enough to pull a face. I smiled, and discreetly stuck my tongue out at her. The guard swung around, noticing our joke, and marched over to my cell opening.

"Communication outside of association time is forbidden he said brusquely

"Any further violations will be noted"

For a moment, I was tempted to stick my tongue out at him, but I held myself back, and instead moved out of Laren's sight. Once the guard was satisfied we could no longer see each other, he walked away.

Life on the Starbase fell into a routine of meals, association and interrogation. Occasionally during interrogation, I answered questions willingly, if they did not seem to endanger anyone, but gradually I became more intransigent in interrogation. I even went so far as to stand up and shout in Sloan's face, which led to me being restrained and held under riot guard for two days.

I became almost accustomed to the hours of loneliness and daydreaming which took up my days. I was always thinking about DS9, and I would often find myself looking at the clock embedded on the wall of the cellblock. I would try to imagine what people were doing then, where everyone was, where I would be. I was daydreaming myself through entire duty shifts, imagining the various medical problems I would see.

After about a month, maybe longer, Sloan came into the cellblock late after association. He walked over to my cell, clutching a PADD.

"You're about ready to get some comms time, Doctor. You're doing very well, being very co-operative. So, in return, here is your opportunity to get something in exchange. Just write the names of six people you could communicate with, in rank order. We'll see what we can do"

With this, he lowered the forcefield, and one of his guards handed the PADD through the doorway. I held it in my hands, thinking.

I stayed awake all night thinking about my chance to communicate with the universe outside the starbase. I held the PADD tightly in my hand, and by wakeup I had decided. I entered the names slowly at first, my fingers had not touched a PADD for a while, but then with more and more confidence. Once I had finished, I looked down, happy with my choices.

"Can you give this to Sloan?" I asked as the guard gave out breakfast.

"Maybe, maybe not" she responded. and I felt so crushed.

She did not understand how the PADD was my lifeline and that she had destroyed it as easily as a fist squashing a butterfly back on Earth.

I was not called to interrogation at all that day. I spent the whole time thinking about the PADD and my comms time, planning what I was going to say, rehearsing conversations in my head. I felt a bit strange doing this. Until a month ago, I thought nothing of just opening a channel to a friend and having that chance to see their face, but now communication was an exciting event, to be planned in every detail.

Even during association, I was not fully listening to the conversations people were having. I was so far into my daydream, I nearly jumped out of my skin when Laren turned round and said loudly, in my face

"What's bothering you today? You're almost as silent as Sonak!"

Before I could answer. Sonak took a breath and said

"I unlike yourself, Ro Laren, do not feel the need to fill even moment of our association time with mindless chatter just because we can. I will discuss with you any matter I feel needs discussing when it needs to be discussed"

"And anyway" Ben chipped in, diffusing the tirade we were sure Laren was about to start against Sonak. "Haven't you heard? Julian's got Comm's. First time. No wonder he isn't completely with us!"

"Oh. I was wondering when Sloan would back down and give you some comms. normally you get your first lot of time early in your third week. And if you're getting time, then maybe it won't be long before my comms time comes up too. They've been mean with it. the last few months. Now my Tarn'ya will be worried," complained kabe'Etana.

I realised that comms was an exciting event for everyone, when they spoke about my time, there was an air of excitement in the cellblock. I felt it too, the prospect of being able to connect with those outside my new life was so exciting. I was looking forward to choosing whom I would speak to, as I could see no reason why anyone on my list would be deemed "unsuitable".

I was given the comms PADD later that evening, after evening meal. Looking down, all I could see was rejection after rejection. It seemed that my comms time would be worthless, because none of the people I wished to communicate with were approved. I started to feel panicky and very upset. Forcing myself to slow my breathing. I read the list slowly.

"Sisko, Captain Benjamin-rejected.

Bashir, Mrs. Ana - rejected

Dax. Lieutenant Jadzia-rejected.

Odo, Constable-rejected.

O'Brien, Chief Miles - accepted

Petersen. Dr. Lanna -rejected."

I could at least talk to Miles. I read the list again and again, so pleased to see that one name, standing out, and the golden word "accepted". I revisited the conversation I had imagined earlier that day. At 2100 hours, I would be speaking to him, the real Miles, my friend. He had been the only one who had tried to warn me about Sloan from the beginning, He had been the only one who had told me before my arrest that Sloan's target on DS9 was me. I did not know how I was going to sleep, the excitement was so intense. I felt like I was five years old and it was my birthday the next day. I told myself that falling asleep would mean that tomorrow would come faster. I rolled over, face to the wall, closed my eyes and fell into a deep. comforting sleep. waiting for tomorrow.