Disclaimer:
Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!
The Surgeon General's Warning:
Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).
How to be a Mr. Nice Guy
Ore no Nindo / My Way of the Ninja is...
Chapter 02:
To the Water Country!
A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards
The seasons changed dictated by the three beats of war, peace, and time. Summer seeded into autumn, autumn froze into winter, winter melted into spring, and the spring at last flourished into the lazy, balmy heat of summer where the spirits would play and the demons would dance, as men paid homage to their ancestors in the great beyond. Time ebbed and flowed through the cycle of eternity: day by day, week by week, and year by year.
A child with blue eyes bright as the open sky and blonde hair like the rays of the sun grew into a boy in wonder and awe of the world around. By his side was Geta-Boushi or "Sandal-Hat," the man who had been with him as far as he could remember. They were like peas in a pod, and wherever they went, they always went together, which suited him just fine. And together, they were the unstoppable Urahara Shouten (or Urahara Shop), the number one convenience agents in all of the world.
He was four years old and going strong, and so today:
Uzumaki Naruto and Urahara Kisuke --- were going to the Water Country!
"Are we there yet?" drawled an irritatingly familiar baritone from the inside the flatbed of their small ox cart, the wheels of which were noticeably small to accommodate for his short stature.
"No," he shot back flatly, trying his best to keep his voice level.
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"Are we there yet?"
"...No."
"Are we there yet?"
"I said, 'No.'"
"Are we there yet?"
"DARN IT! We're not there yet, all right, Kisuke-BAKA?" Naruto screamed back as he came to a sudden screeching stop from his brisk sprint and shoved down hard on the wooden handle of the cart.
The result was predictable but no less satisfying, watching his great mentor go sailing through the air over his shoulder with an exaggerated yelp, cane and all. Having been ejected forcefully from the cart, Kisuke landed with a thud several yards down the dirt road, skipping and bouncing along, like a stone until he came to a full stop. For several moments, the anamorphic lump of humanity dressed in green and black scarcely stirred, but the blonde knew fully well that the older man would come around very soon. Kisuke always did have a flair for theatrics.
"Oiiiii, we don't have all day, you know," Naruto called out in an admonishing tone of voice. "The longer you sit around admiring the clouds, the longer its going to take us to get to this 'city' place you keep talking about. Whatever the heck that is."
A breeze shifted through the trees, rustling the leaves, as it tugged on the unmoving man's hat. Suddenly, Kisuke shot up to his feet, his back ram rod straight, cane in hand, and a devilish fiery aura radiating from his body. The blonde had to admit it made him jump, just a little to see his guardian, Sandal Hat, whip out the Urahara "Aura of Mischievous Doom (TM)," and he returned the older man's hooded gleaming gaze with a deafening cynicism.
"Naaaaaaaaa-ruto-kun," cooed Kisuke in a sickeningly sweet voice, as he made a side note to dust himself off a bit.
"What, Geta-Boushi?"
"That wasn't very nice, you know."
"And?"
"Remember, what I told you about respecting your elders?"
"Pshhh, I think you got it backwards, considering I'm the one who's always having to clean up after you! You're completely irresponsible."
The eternally unshaven man was grinning, and in the short life Naruto has lived, he had learned very quickly that Kisuke was up to no good when he had that smile on. With his matching green trousers and yukata, the black haori, the wooden sandals giving a staccato clap with each step he took, the drooping wide-brimmed fedora with green and white stripes, and his ever present wooden cane, Urahara Kisuke did not cut a trustworthy figure in the slightest. He was positively shady!
"Well, that's why I need you, Na-ru-to-chan!" the man declared proudly, clapping a hand smartly upon the boy's head as he suddenly appeared beside a very astonished Naruto.
How the heck does he do that? Is Geta-Boushi some kind of ninja or what? "Hey! I'm not a girl, darn it, so don't call me 'Naruto-chan'!"
"But-But, Naruto-chan! Don't you think this is a totally awesome arrangement, hmmm? Kukuku, think about it. Since you've had no choice but to take responsibility for me, your intellect, maturity, and power of --- Eureka! --- the body, speed and agility through my special training, has taken a precocious spectacular increase by a factor One-Hundred-Twenty Percent!"
His jaw set in a tight smile, Naruto was trying very hard at that moment not to pull out his favorite invention to date, "Taser-chan," and give it another test run on Kisuke as the man jovially ruffled his hair with an egotistical cackle. There were few things he disliked more than Urahara Shop's owner, founder, president, and CEO when he ranted about --- stuff. The man had better not decide to pull out his trademark Urahara Shop owner's fan, do his down right horrible impression of the Don Kanonji laugh (an outstanding feat all in itself), or else...
"Why you're a perfect example of the unusual but highly productive method of raising children in the New Century! BWO-Hahahahahahaha!" Kisuke laughed almost all too predictably, as he flashed his signature owner's fan seemingly out of thin air with a flourish. "In fact, Naruto-chan, you're a SUPER HERO GE-"
BZZZZZZZZZTTTTT!
"-BRUBLBLRHLGUUGHLLBLHBLHGLHGLHGLHGLRARGH-nius..."
The sweet sound of nature's ambience, the chirping of birds and the rustle of leaves waving in the wind, was like music to Naruto's ears as he hummed a playful ditty with a bounce to his step. At last, they were continuing on their peaceful journey to "The City-Thing", and best off all, Urahara Kisuke was a toasted twitching heap of humanity in the back of the Urahara Shop's Man-Portable Deluxe H.C.L. (High Capacity Lift) Cart (TM). He had gone thankfully silent, much Naruto's tear-filled joy. Taser-chan was the best invention he had ever made!
And to think he was only four and half years old! Mwahahahhaahha! Some day, the whole world would know of the name of Uzumaki Naruto, Boy Genius, and Inventor Extraordinaire! BWO-HAHAHAHAHHAHA!
Naruto scarcely noticed he was cackling aloud in an egomaniacal manner, which was not so unlike a terrible impression of Don Kanonji's trademarked laugh that his idol and the bane of his existence favored so much. Laying out charred in the back, a certain eternally unshaven man could not have been more proud of his protégé, charge, and business partner. With a gleaming smile on his face, Kisuke was half-tempted to join in on the boy's elated exuberance, but he did not feel like getting "Taser-chan'ed" again so soon, and so he wisely decided to keep his mouth shut.
Thus, another page would have to be chronicled down in the merry domestic lives of Urahara Kisuke and Uzumaki Naruto, the world's number one convenience agents. The road was their home, and wherever there was work to be found, it was the place to be for them. Still, one question in particular remains to be asked.
What is a convenience agent exactly?
It was not until nightfall that they finally reached the "City-Place-Thing," which in Naruto's opinion was just a really, really big village. He had certainly grown up fast, but there was still a few "grown-up" things he did not understand, like why adults had to come up names for everything. After all, would it not have been easier to call a "city" a "really, really big village" instead? Oh, adults just made no sense sometimes.
"So, Naruto-kun! What do you think of the city?" Kisuke asked him amiably, always interested to hear what he had to say. He felt a familiar comforting hand lay itself upon his right shoulder, reminding him once more how Urahara had big hands. It still amazed him how Sandal Hat managed to accomplish such a vast array of delicate tasks that went along with the territory of being an inventor, considering how big his hands were; the man was positively one of a kind.
Naruto shrugged as he stood on his tiptoes, leaning against the railing on the outdoor balcony. They had barely managed to get lodgings for the night at a busy three-story inn on one of them many bustling streets in town, and in the process, had been shuffled off immediately to the third floor. There was no doubt in his young mind that they had been ripped off, even with Kisuke's legendary powers of persuasion, but he supposed the view was all right.
Even in the dead of night, the city was alive with the glare of bright neon signs and electric lights. Tall buildings soared upwards out of the crooked skyline as the streets filled with people going about their business. There was a kinetic energy in the air. Things were constantly in motion here, moving at a breathless pace, and in that respect, he sensed emptiness in this place, a kind of feverish paranoia. It was as if the people here were living in constant fear.
But what were they afraid of?
"Hey, tenchou-san, what did they call this place again?" Naruto asked plainly, earning a look out of the older man. It was far from every day that he actually ever referred to Kisuke by such a "formal title."
Urahara grinned, his silvery eyes gleaming with curiosity underneath the concealing veil of his drooping fedora. "This place, huh? 'Shiawase,' which could mean happiness, good fortune, luck, or a blessing, at least according to Kondansha's Japanese Desk Dictionary, second edition."
"Hmmm..."
"'Hmmm...'?"
"It smells bad."
Kisuke barely managed to stifle a small guffaw. The boy always did some to have knack for the most educated, down to earth observations. Of course, Naruto did not think a single thing about it. He was just being himself, and subtlety was never one of his strengths.
The fact was, Naruto hated this place.
"How long are we going to be here, Geta-Boushi?" the blonde-haired boy asked him as he shifted the weight of his backpack around some. They always packed light and read to leave at a moment's notice, but thanks to the wonders of "chakra scroll" storage techniques, they could pack a whole lot more in a relatively small space, including their cart.
Of course, the weight of the scrolls would add up eventually.
"Oh, probably just a day or two."
"'A day or two'? Ewww..."
"Ohohoho, don't worry we'll find work for sure. You just have to know where to look."
"Are you sure your info guy was right when he said they're be a big job here for definitely?"
"Of course, Tessai-san has always been a reliable source! You don't think he'd tell us a lie would he?"
"I dunno. I still think he tried to poison you with that 'Super Charged Lax-I-tive' medicine he had buried in his backyard that one time..."
"Uhh..." Kisuke sweated. He really did not want to remember that particular time when he had come down with some indigestion. Thanks to Tsukabishi Tessai's ever so thoughtful assistance, he had passed out his indigestion, but most of his bowels for three days straight. It was absolutely miserable being trapped in that accursed bathroom.
"Oh, whatever! If there's any work in this city, I'll find it and do it right!"
"Eh?"
"You just go find that big job and do it right too, okay, Kisuke-jiji?"
Old Man Kisuke? "Hohohoho, in that case, I'll trust you can take care of yourself then, Naruto-chan!" Yeesh, you have no idea, Naruto, no idea at all.
"What the-! Hey, I said I wasn't a..."
By the time, he whirled about from the railing Kisuke was already gone. Grinning mischievously, Naruto ran back into the room, his bright blue eyes searching for any sign of the man. He knew he would not find any, but he had to try anyway. It was a game between them, honestly. If he ever caught Sandal Hat leaving without his equipment, that is leaving unprepared, a pet peeve that the man often reprimanded him for, he would be instantly promoted to "Junior Manager Level 2"!
Of course, Kisuke never left anything behind because technically he was "Junior Manager Level 2" also.
Let's see here now, an equipment checklist:
1 x Favorite Blue T-shirt.
1 x Favorite Blue Jeans.
1 x Utility Belt w/Taser-chan. (Nyuk-Nyuk!)
1 x Favorite Gama-chan Wallet.
1 x Favorite "Game Day" Shinobi Shoes.
And, of course...
1 x Room Key.
Missing?
1 x Map of Shiawase.
Yeah, the fact Naruto did not have a map of this town was probably why he was hopelessly lost at present, wandering somewhat aimlessly through the streets. He was only "somewhat aimlessly" wandering through the streets because his eyes and ears were wide open taking in all the sights and banter around, as he wove through the crowds. Luckily, nobody paid much attention to a child that just barely managed to come up to their upper waistline.
At the street level, the city was not too bad, and the energetic blonde had even been tempted to stop by a ramen stand he saw along the way. However, he just could not shake off this nagging feeling that something bad was going to happen. The atmosphere in this city was heavy, a suffocating tension laced with a sulfurous, downright nasty smelling acid.
It made him want to puke.
"Psstt, d-d-id ya hear 'b-bout the recent string of mur-murders?" whispered a jittery voice in hushed tones.
Suddenly, Naruto came to a stop, diverting himself to sit down on a nearby bench. Of the many skills Sandal Hat had taught him that were part of the fundamental basics of being a convenience agent, hearing was by far one of the most crucial. The ability to gather information could lead to a job, allow the agent to learn more about his or her surroundings, and more importantly, about the clients and the parties involved.
Another voice replied, disgruntled and unhappy, "Idiot, keep your mouth shut!"
"I'm-I'm keeping my mouth shut."
"No, you're not! So keep it shut."
"B-But I am keeping my mouth shut."
"Oh, Hell! Look, I can give less than a rat's butt that that witch, Butsube, got her apartment buildin' trashed."
"But th-that's not the on-only place! A couple of days ago-"
"Yeah, yeah, I heard the bridge down in the Machi District was completely destroyed too, bodies everywhere, blood and guts."
"Hey, you forgot about the b-bodies at..."
"I know, I know! And there that other murder down by Seizou street just last night, bloody freakin' massacre in the middle of rush hour too."
"Y-Yeah, those Mister --- I mean --- Mist Hunter N-Nin we-were completely out of c-c-control. They just started attacking, k-kil-killin' anything that moved."
Mist Hunter Nin? thought Naruto curiously, wrinkling his nose in distaste. He never did like ninjas, always meddling into other people's problems arbitrarily, and there were few ninjas worse than the Hunter Nins. Those morons wouldn't know the difference between right and wrong, even if it was a kunai being stabbed into where it really hurt.
Bloody nasty bastards.
"Psh, and don't forget about that freaky ice that just started popping up everywhere!"
"Ooooo, the h-hu-human icicles?"
"Dammit, don't say that! It's just ice!"
"But they were f-f-rozen like ice cream!"
"You moron, have some respect for them dead idiots."
"S-Sorry..."
"Say, is it just me or has it been getting colder lately?"
"Dunno, we've been getting some we-weird weather in the past few days."
"It's summer for God's sake! It's supposed to blazing hot so the spirits can come out and do whatever weird haunting crap they do."
"I kno-! M-eh!"
"Huh, what's wrong?"
"It's SNOWING!"
Say what?
Not believing what he was hearing, Naruto looked up and was surprised to see exactly that, his sudden gasp joining the multitude of other voices in the crowd. People literally froze in the streets to watch the drifting shower of white falling from the dark sky. With all the bright neon signs, it was hard for him to tell if there were any clouds up there.
Yup, something was definitely not right about this picture and his "Mr. Nice Guy Senses!" were tingling! He was going to look into this all right, though detective work tended not to be profitable. Still, even Sandal Hat would say that this was a worthwhile investment, and without a little risk, there was no joy in reaping the benefits. The only problem was...
Where the heck am I going to start looking... thought Naruto, as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. In situations like this, Sandal Hat had always told him to clear his heart and soul, listen to his senses, and let the inner "Eureka!" come to him.
Whatever the heck that meant...
"Move in. Search and destroy," hissed a distorted voice harshly in the distance. "The target's nearby. GO! GO-GO-GO-GO!"
Well, gee-whiz, it actually worked!
To be continued...
Author's Notes:
w00t, here we go with chapter 2! Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. I'll see about working in the Bleach characters and whatever else as I go along, but I'm mostly playing this by ear, so cross your fingers.
Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the maestro here.
Tsudzuku!