Disclaimer:
Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!
The Surgeon General's Warning:
Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).
How to be a Mr. Nice Guy
Ore no Nindo / My Way of the Ninja is...
Chapter 03:
The Human Condition
A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards
Sano hated his job.
The hunter nin had --- apparently --- been short on bodies, thanks to their repeated failed attempts to capture the wretched little abomination. Ugh, the very thought of the ugly thing made him sick to his guts. The hunter nin had finally tracked down their prey to this city.
Hmph, some prey, the chuunin scoffed haughtily. In just a few days, they've already lost a platoon, twelve oh-so-highly-professional hunter nin to a mere child. It was pathetic, absolutely pathetic. His offices were being overwhelmed by --- ahem --- writs of concern from the government dogs of this insignificant city. Civilian casualties were mounting up, and they wanted some --- answers.
"Oi, Nii-san!"
Psh, they should be grateful that the Mizukage even-!
"OI, O-NII-san!"
Hmph, if there was another war, he'd
"HEY, YOU DIRTY OLD FART!"
"What the hell? Who called me a 'DIRTY OLD FART'?" bristled Sano furiously whirling about, drawing his kunai instinctively. His bulging eyes searched frenziedly for a target, the nondescript alleyway completely empty. There was not a soul in sight. Where had that voice come from? Now that he thought about it, did it not sound like a child's voice?
The voice giggled. "Figured that get your, O-JI-san!"
"WHAT? Where are you? Show yourself, you bastard!"
"Hey-Hey, now! That wasn't a very nice thing to say."
"Where. Are. You?"
"Tsk, for a chuunin (I mean, that vest ain't just for a show is it?), you're not very good at what you do."
"Chikushou! Where the hell are you?"
"Oh, look, do you mind if I just borrow that headset and walkie-talkie you have, Chuunin-san? I mean, with that thing, I ought to be able to listen in on the movements of the hunter nin and what they're doing, right?"
"HA! So you're after the demon too, huh?"
"Demon?"
"Don't try to act innocent! You want that abomination with the bloodline limit, don't you? Hah, you'll never make it in time. The hunter nin already have it cornered down in the sewers, near the water treatment plant!"
"Oh, so this is what it's all about? Mist shinobi politics, huh?"
"Ehhhhh?"
"By the way, you should look down, Chuunin-san! I got a surprise for you!"
Mad beyond reason at that point, Sano complied without a second thought and looked down. His jaw dropped wide open when he locked eyes with the little brat's blazing blue eyes, his whisker marked face split in half with a gleaming shit-eating grin. The little blonde-haired runt had been standing right next to him the entire time, and --- hey, what's that black thing with a crackling point he had in his hand?
"Say, 'CHEESE'!"
"What the-"
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
"-BRUBLBLRHLGUUGHLLBLHBLHGLHGLHGLHGLRARGH-hell...?"
Sano dropped like a ton of bricks, thudding heavily onto the pavement with no resistance. His last vision was the sight of blonde-haired fox brat mouthing a thank you of some sort before jamming the black thing into his gut again! Oh, he knew no more after that, embracing the oblivion of unconscious whole-heartedly. The chuunin really did not want to be hit by the "Black Stick of Hurt" for the umpteenth time.
"Stay on the radio and watch yourselves," the Captain commanded harshly, as his team mates padded stealthily along the edge of the dimly lit tunnel. He had coordinated personally with the city officials at a great expense to reduce power to the grids running in the sewers just to give his hunter nin the extra edge they needed on this particular occasion. Many good shinobi had given their lives in this hunt, and those corrupt dogs would never understand the value of their sacrifices.
Who cares if a "few" civilians just so happened to be caught in the crossfire? Ha, those pigs were easily replaceable, but the lives of shinobi were different. It took years to forge a human being into a masterpiece, a true shinobi, and that simple fact made them infinitely more valuable that some random bystanders who happened to be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"No screw ups this time, understood? Remember, you are not to engage until you are authorized by me. We can't afford to lose anymore personnel. The Mizukage grows anxious for results!"
"Man, cool your jets, Nandaba. We all know the M-O for the mission already," laughed a haughty voice mockingly over the radio.
"What did you say, Blauer 7?"
"The only reason the Mizukage's pissed is because of your incompetence, and everybody knows it."
Under his hunter nin mask, Nandaba gnashed his teeth indignantly. There was not even a way for him to give a proper retort to such an insult because it was all true.
"Hell, I'd go as far as to say that you can't kill one measly waif of a brat is because you got no sense of class."
"'Class'? And what the hell do you mean by that, Blauer 7?"
"Scratch that, Nandaba, you're an incompetent and an idiot."
"TOSHIO!"
An echo of bemused cackling immediately issued forth over the radio. Nobody laughed openly though, except for Toshio himself since he had the rank to get away with it. "See, what did I tell you, boys and girls? Nandaba is a moron."
"Kuso..."
"If he had any brains, he would have figured out ages ago that if you can't fight the enemy head on, you should try coming at them from behind."
"Huh?"
"And if you're really good, you can come at them from sideways."
"...The hell?"
"Oh for God's sake, it's a kid, Nandaba! No home, no family, been on the run for a good two years now. Hell, haven't you ever heard of the phrase, 'kindess can kill'?"
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Man, you really are an idiot. How the hell did you ever make jounin and then a hunter nin, no less?"
"Ha! Who needs tactics when you have raw power, Toshio?"
"Oh yeah, that's right. You're friggin' ninjutsu and taijutsu brute, plus the Mizukage at the time had lowered standards for the jounin exams to get more manpower. Pshhh, you little prick."
Nandaba laughed wickedly, a sense of satisfaction and confidence returning to him at last. "Whatever, it doesn't change the fact that I am the team captain for this mission, and that's why I have you bringing up the rear, Blauer 7."
"Yeah, yeah. Go screw yourself, Blauer 1."
"After you, Blauer 7."
"Maybe I'll take you up on that just so I can --- what the? Hey, what's-gahg! G-Ga-sgas...ah!"
"Blauer 7! Blauer 7, respond!" Nandaba hissed in alarm, as he motioned for his men to stop moving with a clenched fist.
There was no response, just static over the radio. Toshio's team comprised of four hunter nin, including himself, and the very idea that they had been all defeated in a matter seconds with no struggle sent a cold chill up his spine. Someone else was down here with them, and they were strong too.
Angrily, he roared at his men, "Dammit! What the hell are you bastards standing around here for? Go-Go-Go-Go! Now! Recon, stand by! We're... Recon? Recon, respond? Recon!"
Great, this made eight men on this latest sortie. Eight! How the heck was he ever going to live this blunder down even if he managed to survive?
"Geez, and these guys are supposed to be Mister Hunter Nin, elite shinobi and all that?" Naruto murmured dryly as he ran briskly along the water way with a gas mask worn over his face. "Looks like they didn't take a shine to Urahara Shop's Super Strength Knockout Gas either. Talk about disappointing."
It never did cease to amaze him how stupid some people could be, ignoring even the most basic of "common sense" principles. The energetic blonde-haired boy figured it was probably because of the way people were conditioned since birth by their parents and the environment they grew up. If this was the case, then he was very luck indeed to have grown up around Urahara Kisuke indeed, much to Naruto's private chagrin. It really did take a crazy nut to know another crazy nut in his case.
The only thing left to do now was to keep running and hope that by the time he got to this reservoir junction the hunter nin had this "abomination" cornered it would not be too late. He was picking up a lot of nasty radio traffic from that direction, and it seemed a pretty brutal battle had started. Judging by the shouting and screaming wails he heard, the Mister hunter nin were getting their butts kicked again.
Naruto really hoped he was not running towards his own death.
How did Naruto know he had come to the right place when the radio went completely silent with static? Well, he followed the frost. When he got a little closer, he followed the frost, the crystallizing puffs of his hot breath, and the goose bumps popping up along his arms. When he got really close, he followed the frost, the crystallizing puffs of his hot breath, the goose bumps popping up along his arms, and the ice.
By the time Naruto finally arrived, he had rummaged through his utility belt and unpacked a heavy jacket and a pair of climbing boots with spiked cleats to wear out of their storage scrolls. In his humble opinion, he felt he was pretty darn prepared when he crossed that blinding threshold into the reservoir junction, lifting up his black gas mask in the process. Still, what he saw with his own two blue eyes made him want to wretch.
Death.
It was probably only six months ago when the topic had come up between himself and Sandal Hat. They had been doing a job in a village near the border of the Fire Country when they had come across a funeral procession, all dressed in black and solemn. Naruto had wondered why everybody had such long faces, and well, Kisuke had sobered up in one of his rare bursts of wisdom beyond his years.
Death.
Dying was a natural part of life he had said. It was part of what made human beings and all the other living things in this world mortal: to live was to die. Naturally, all living things fought to live, though death was most assuredly inevitable. Their were many ways to die, of course: natural and unnatural.
What he was seeing right at this moment was a clear example of the latter. Humans killing humans; there was blood here and there, frozen to a dark crystal red, throughout the vast chamber. Occasionally, there was a severed limb, which was frozen too, but more often than not were the icicles. They were huge great things erupting from the floor that comprised of ice, all the running water below frozen, and inside them were --- people.
Naruto could see clearly the last moments of the Mist hunter nin, all of eight of them locked in their final death throes. Even with their masks still on, he could feel the anguish and the horror etched upon their faces, making his throat tighten with revulsion. Try as he might, he could not step confidently through this gruesome moratorium, the once burning strength in his legs gone limp.
"It's all such a waste of life" was probably something Kisuke would have said to describe the heavy scene.
"A-Anou, umm --- o-oi! Uhhh, is anybody there?" the blonde-haired boy asked tentatively as he stepped carefully through the slipper landscape. This place was starting to seriously creep him out with all the dead Mist hunter nin.
"Umm, look. Uhhh, if anybody's still there. I'm a... My name's... My name's Uzumaki Naruto. I'm --- uhh --- four and a half years old. I'm a --- I'm a convenience agent. It's my job. It's what I do for a living with my friend, mentor, boss, uhh --- father figure guy, I guess --- Geta-Boushi. His real name's Urahara Kisuke by the way."
Yup, Naruto knew he was rambling aloud, but he honestly did not know what else to do. He had no idea of this "demon" person was still here, and if so, what were his or her intentions. Heck, he did not even know if they were still alive.
"Actually, I don't know what I'm doing here myself. I just sort of followed my instincts, well --- my ears. I got really good hearing, hehehe... Ummm, I wasn't born here in Water Country, but I do know a thing or two about its history thanks Geta-Boushi! He's really, uhh, smart, you know."
If there was one thing that was for sure, Urahara Kisuke was definitely a genius.
"So, etou, you wanna talk about it? I mean, I'll leave if you don't want me hanging around. I swear to God, I'll never --- uhh --- tell anybody I saw you, but if you want, I can help you out! Really-really! Free of charge and everything. Truth is, I --- well, I really don't like shinobi to be honest and least of all the Mist nin. That genocide, ethnic cleansing stuff they did was just --- well, bad."
Okay, he was running out of things to talk about fast, and unless something happened soon, he was going to...
Bump!
Naruto froze.
Okay, so he got his wish. Something finally did happen, and now, his face was buried dead on into a firm if somewhat bony mass, which was thankfully clothed. The coarse material of the fabric was really irritating his nose, not to mention it positively wreaked! If he was not scared out of his mind right now, he might have just jumped ten feet into the air and declared it absolutely repulsive.
The important question now was: what the heck was he going to do next?
"A-Anou, is this th-the way --- p-pe-people nor-normally --- gre-eet each other?" a hushed feminine voice broke in hesitantly. Her voice was weak and raspy, as if she was not used to speaking, and her words nervously chosen.
Sensing a subtle change in the heavy atmosphere, Naruto gingerly took a step back, scrubbing at his face lightly with the sleeve of his heavy jacket, just to make sure he was still in one piece. Reassured of his apparent mortality, he fixed his curious blue gaze upon the girl and...
"My God, what on Earth happened to you?" the hyperactive boy murmured in shock.
Standing before him was the most miserable example of the "human" condition, as Sandal Hat liked to say, that he had ever seen. It was appalling just to look at the inhumanity, and the injustice bred and beaten into a kid his own age, give or take a year or two. She was an emaciated waif, with long, wild filthy hair that seemed to have a mind of its own, and big black bangs underneath her dark eyes, like she had not gotten a good night's sleep in ages. Heck, there seemed to be dirt and grim all over her, and the only clothing she had was an old tattered T-shirt two sizes too big for her, so it was practically a dress.
He had seen some pretty nasty things in his short life, and Kisuke was never squeamish in the slightest of showing him both sides of the coin: the good and the bad. However, there was more to life than just those simple distinctions because human beings were grey. It was hard to say what it was exactly, but Naruto felt a resonance, like an echo or deja vu, when he stared into this pitiful girl's dark eyes, a pitch black that might have been a shade of dark blue once. He felt that as if they were two of kind, that they were alike one another, and honestly that they were no different from each other.
They were the same.
Normally, a relationship of a convenience agent with his or her client ended once a job was finished. It was simply put, the inevitable conclusion of a contract, and protracting such a relationship would be --- well, in bad taste. However, his "Mr. Nice Guy Senses!" that Sandal Hat had worked so hard to instill in him were telling him something totally different this time.
He was taking her with him...
...and Urahara Kisuke be damned if he had any dissenting opinions.
To be continued...
Author's Notes:
Huzzah, chapter 3! What's with Naruto's beef with ninjas anyway? And what's Kisuke going to do when he finds out about this latest development? (Snicker-Snicker.) Well, if you've got any thoughts, feelings, and/or questions: hey, fire away, fellas.
Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the maestro here.
Tsudzuku!