Disclaimer:
Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!
The Surgeon General's Warning:
Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).
How to be a Mr. Nice Guy
Ore no Nindo / My Way of the Ninja is...
Chapter 05:
Sandal Hat For The Win!
A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards
"Oooooo, phew...that was a close one. So was anybody hurt? Well, minus the kind gentleman who broke my fall, that is!" Kisuke giggled jovially to no one in particular despite the pained tension in his voice. He put on his best grin, a fool's smile, as he clutched Benihime in her disguised form, an unassuming wooden cane tightly in his grasp.
On the surface, it looked like he was not the slightest perturbed about being thrown out the window from a third story building after successfully conducting some profitable business. The world was always in need of first-rate convenience agent's such as himself. So what if there was a little commotion going on outside? It was not like the world was ending!
Though, he had to wonder: where was his "pure coolness" hat?
Anyway, this assumption was his first and last mistake. Giddy with delight, he had not been expecting the unexpected to haul him up literally by the lapels of his yukata. He barely got a glimpse at tall, lanky man with bells in his dark spiky hair and a black eye patch over his right grinning fiendishly at him, like he was Satan himself, before the man hurling him straight out the window in a single powerful blow.
Of all the dumb luck, he had to meet Zaraki "Mad Dog" Kenpachi in a place like this, while the ruthless, brutal man was on an incognito assignment no doubt from Soul Society!
"Oiii, Urahara-yaroudono, why don't you use the stairs next time!" bellowed Kenpachi's harsh voice from above, filled with dark humor. There was a kind of peculiar glee in his voice too, like the kind a hunter might have had at finally discovering rare quarry in his midst. "Here..."
The eternally unshaven man managed to look up just in the nick in time to see something else that was green and white stripped before it flopped audibly on his face. How the heck his signature hat managed to defy gravity by falling that fast was a mystery to be solved later. Judging by the fact that Zaraki was laughing madly back upstairs like a kid at a toy store, accompanied by the sound of breaking bottles and protesting staff, it would probably be a smart idea to...
"Think fast, kusoyarou-dono! Ha-HAAA!"
A table, chairs, vases, very sharp utensils, salt and pepper shakers, and --- BURNING MOLOTOV COCKTAILS! --- promptly crashing through the remaining unbroken windows on the third floor of the restaurant. His eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets from underneath the shadowed brim of his drooping fedora, Kisuke gave a fearful and most unmanly squeal before scampering out of the way. He made a slight note to backpedal quickly about a split-second later and grab the poor unconscious fellow on the pavement, dragging him out of harm's way too --- by the ankle.
He certainly did not want to be held responsible in a lawsuit for...
It was then that the former shinigami spotted the odd little girl clad in a strangely familiar jacket standing in the street, kunai in hand, with a dazed look. Putting two and two together, calculating his possible "malpractice" fines and fees for the lawyers, Urahara felt he made a very informed decision by tossing the Mist chuunin (as he found out on second glance) aside into relative safety. In the man's stead, he deftly disarmed her with a gentle rap of Benihime, snatching up the waif of a girl in the crook of his arm before she could blink and kept running straight ahead.
...endangering a minor...
"Geta-Boushi!" cried another familiar voice from in front of him.
"Naruto?" Kisuke mumbled aloud, glancing up. Why was he running into all sorts of familiar faces? The next thing he knew he was going to find a pack of black cats waiting at his and Naruto's room back at the inn.
"GETA-BOUSHI!" the hyperactive blonde-haired boy at him, half in happiness and half in indignation, as Urahara tossed up his cane, caught it by his teeth, and snatched the boy up too in his remaining free hand.
...make that, endangering two minors and negligence. Oh no, it would not do at all in his book, and it was with this great motivation that he ran straight back to the inn like a green-black stripped bullet train, doing exactly all of the above. According to Icha Icha Tactics, it was the most brilliant, wily maneuver he could have possibly used to evade any possible pursuit.
In Kisuke's expert opinion, whoever was writing these Icha Icha novels was a bona fide genius, and a man (yes, only a man could have written such masculine wisdom) that he ought to meet in person one of these days!
Ironically, he once again neglected to use the stairs, and instead in a rare display of power that "wow'd" Naruto no doubt, he leapt all the way up to the third floor balcony of their room at the inn. All it took was a little controlled burst of chakra, quite the handy little property really, and he was off to soaring heights. Chakra as it turns out was not terribly different from reiatsu, and Urahara was more than pleased to find that even a faux body could generate and retain quite significant amounts of the wondrous inner energy.
However...
Cats...! Kisuke thought in alarm, suddenly stopping dead in his tracks, which he hoped did not cause the children too much discomfort.
There were dozens of them all over the place: on the bed, on the floors, on the coffee table, on the beds, in the closet, in the dresser, and even a few more poking out of the bathroom. They were all black "little kitties" with yellow eyes that nearly glowed in the presence of the artificial "electric" lights. Fascinating creatures really, and there were heck of a lot more of them than him too. Now, the important questions that remained to be asked were how they got in and who or what turned on the lights before he got back to the inn.
"Cats?" Naruto repeated, breaking the tenuous peace. "Why are there so many cats in our room, Geta-Boushi?"
The felines shrieked in near perfect unison at the (apparent) disturbance and came charging right in at him, fangs and all, leaving him helpless. Kisuke sweated. He was really tempted to repel them away using his sandal clad feet, but an old promise that he made to a very, very special --- ahem! --- "lady" made him think twice.
This was going to hurt a lot.
"Think fast Naru-BRAGH!" he half managed to shout with Benihime still in his mouth as he tossed the children up into the air, although it probably sounded more like, "Thrinrk frueast Nrguagh-BRAGH!".
The stampeding pack of cats bowled him over, trampling him underfoot in the ensuing cantankerous wave of fur and limbs. Naruto flailed indignantly through the air, landing by shear luck face-first onto the bed only to have the mysterious girl crash right down on top of him. Twin groans of defeat from the elder man and the younger boy signaled that neither of the two sole individuals who ran the Urahara Shop were up to protest against the fates.
Of the two bumbling convenience agents, however, Naruto was the first to recover.
"Anou sa, Onee-chan, could you please get off of-"
"NAAAAAAAAAAAAA-RUUUUUUUUUUUUU-TO!" Kisuke shouted aloud, bolting up right on a dime with a sudden revival of strength. How the heck he managed to recover so soon, marked up with countless paw prints and scratches, after being trampled by a hundred or so cats had to be a miracle of shear will power.
Either way, Naruto shuddered at the intensity of the older man's voice and blasted back his own heated reply: "AND WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR MALFUNCTION, GETA-BOUSHI!"
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BRINGING A GIRL HOME?"
Pause.
"SAY WHAT?" Naruto screamed frenetically at the top of his lungs (which was no easy feat since the nameless girl was still sitting on his back). Of course, he sounded anything but manly, considering his voice was breaking and shrieking like a Miss Vanity who had just broken her favorite nail.
Kisuke was completely unfazed. In fact, proud manly tears of paternal joy were flowing from his eyes like waterfalls. He whipped out the one and only Urahara Shop "GRANDMASTER OWNER CEO PRESIDENT" fan in a single swift motion and --- powerposed. The hyperactive blonde-haired child prodigy swore he would forever be scared by the image of his "best friend, cousin, mentor, master, boss, brother, sister, mother, father figure guy" powerposing proudly, pumping his cane into the air, just moments before his trousers came crashing down.
The nameless girl blinked. "Boxers --- boxers with --- black kittens?"
I'm going to kill him, if I don't die from embarrassment first! thought Naruto with a dark expression, his eyes flat with thinly repressed enmity. He was seriously wondering if it was Geta-Boushi's purpose in life to embarrass him at the worst times possible.
The eternally unshaven man, who incidentally had little sense of shame, went laughing proudly right along without missing a beat, "BWOAHAHAHHAHAHA! A TRULY HIP RESPONSE, AS TO BE EXPECTED OF MY PROTEGE!"
Of course, he silently had to admit it did feel a touch drafty, and there must have been some cosmic connection of irony between his favorite boxers and the abrupt appearance of the black cats. For four and half years, he had successfully eluded his past, but why was it all of a sudden that that very thing was starting to catch up with him. At this rate, he was probably going to have a rather -- ugly reunion with "That Woman."
"Darn it, Geta-Boushi," Naruto cursed at him vehemently, "Put your pants back on you closet, flagrant, super-freak, exhibitionist!"
Kisuke swooned with a girlish shriek! Yes, a girlish shriek, and Urahara Kisuke was swooning! "Oooooooooooo, Naruto-chan! You make me so proud. You're only four-"
"FOUR-AND-A-HALF!"
"-and-a-half-years-old, and I already you're tapping into your inherent prowess as a CASANOVA-"
"And don't call me 'Naruto-chan' in front of Onee-chan! It's embarrassin' to hear that coming from a guy, you know!"
"-a MAN among men that women and GIRLS all around loathe and love!"
"GE-GETA-BOUSHI, SH-SH-SHUT YOUR MOUTH, DANG IT!" Naruto wailed, cursing his --- whatever-person with every blushing, red-hot ounce of his being. It was simply amazing that his brain had not melted from shear embarrassment. Oh, he was going to make sure Kisuke SLEPT with Taser-chan tonight. Kukukukuku!
The nameless girl for her two cents just sat (on the hyperactive boy genius's back) and watched.
"But more importantly, my adorable protégé," Kisuke paused, his merry baritone dropping an octave lower.
The blonde-haired boy braced himself...
...and braced himself...
...and braced himself up some more.
"Ummm, what's she doing here for?" the eternally unshaven man asked him sheepishly. "I mean, aren't you a little bit young to be getting involved-"
Naruto sweatdropped.
"DANG IT! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, YOU STUPID, STUPID, STUPID GROWN-UP!"
"Okay, okay, I get the picture! No need to (geez, I think my ears are starting to bleed) shout..."
"I HEARD THAT!"
Kisuke winced, dropping into a crouch as he did his best to cover his ears. "Ouch! All right, all right, I promise not to make another wisecrack."
"Look, it's those Mist ninjas, okay?"
"...Shinobi?"
"Yeah, they were after-"
"Excuse me, young miss, but could you please get off Naruto-kun? I believe we need to have a more serious conversation, as it's not particular proper to be talking to someone's backside."
"UWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh! KISUKE!"
After many death threats and much fussing later, Urahara Kisuke realized just how deep he was into a serious crisis. Naruto being Naruto, pure of heart and more stubborn than an infuriated cat on a bad day, had gone off and picked himself up a fugitive, an enemy of the state, a poor slip of a girl only a year or two older than him. In the process, he had incapacitated four highly professional Mist hunter-nin, none of whom ever saw his face, an impressive feat for a boy his age, but there was one chuunin who had clearly seen his face.
It was the same man Kisuke had landed on after an unnaturally pleased yet belligerent as always Zaraki Kenpachi had been so kind to show him out the window. There was no telling if --- no --- when the man would come after him. Kenpachi was still here in this city that much he was certain of because the 11th Division Captain was never one to leave an assignment unfinished. Once business was taken care of, Zaraki-taichou would undoubtedly be in hot pursuit.
They did not have much time at all to waste, but here they were nonetheless: a man, a boy, and a girl all sitting together on the floor in an official "round-table" meeting. With every second, his dream of raising Naruto in the relative peace of semi-anonymity grew dimmer and dimmer. It was highly possible that there next visit to the Water Country would be anything but pleasant as the proud shinobi of the Hidden Mist Village were not likely to overlook such a seemingly small slight.
"So what's your plan then, Naruto-kun?" Kisuke asked his young protégé and surrogate son. He already knew what the answer would be and it would be worth a ton of headaches, certainly, as he glanced idly at the shabby dark-haired girl. She was staring at the floor, looking completely disinterested in the conversation, but oh --- the eternally unshaven man knew better.
Naruto huffed irritably, crossing his arms over his chest. "Well, duh! We're taking Onee-chan with us!"
"...um, Naruto-kun, you do-"
"Of course, I do! Did you think I didn't think things through at first, Geta-Boushi?"
"Naruto-kun, I perfectly understand the humanitarian side in this situation, but we can't just-"
"This is different, dang it!" shouted the hyperactive blonde vehemently, slamming his fist into floor.
The audible bang his left raised more than just Urahara's eyebrows in surprise. The nameless girl seemed to retract finally, just a little, from her self-imposed isolation. She glanced over at Naruto, her dark hollow eyes flickering with the barest hint of emotion. Kisuke could clearly perceive a question on the surface of those nearly black irises:
Why?
"Can't you feel it, Aniki?" Naruto asked him earnestly, dropping all pretenses together. It was not often that he addressed Kisuke simply as "Big Brother," and when he did, it was for a very serious purpose indeed.
The eternally unshaven man sighed and stripped off his drooping wide-brimmed hat, "Feel what, Otouto?"
Little Brother.
"Darn it, don't look with your eyes! Open your heart and reach out with it."
"Naruto..."
"Even you can feel it too; I know it! This girl, she's just like us, Aniki. No different at all."
"But Naru-"
"Listen to your heart, man! We've traveled together for almost five years now, and though we both hide that hollow emptiness well, there's something --- missing, K-Kisuke."
"Naruto...you're-"
"I'm not c-crying, darn it!" the trembling blonde-haired boy protested with a snarl. He rubbed furiously at the hot tears swelling up in his bright blue eyes, trying to hold them back.
For the first time in a long while, Urahara Kisuke was at a loss for words. He had never seen this side before in the boy he had taken under his own wing like family. Hell, Naruto was his family. The fated boy was his adorable son, his annoying little brother, and his amiable, mischievous colleague as well. They ran the business together, spent nearly every moment of their lives together, and yet, he had never seen Naruto cry --- for themselves ever.
"Aniki, all we have --- is each other. We don't have a home: somewhere to go back to like everyone else, or even someone to welcome us back. The road is all we know. I'm your son, your little brother, and your annoying co-worker at work. You're my father, my brother, my teacher, and my annoying boss at work."
Ah, so young, but Naruto can already see these things, huh? He's such a lively, rambunctious boy that I never did notice how much he had really matured.
"But there's still something missing, Aniki! We --- we're not whole like the other people. There's a big gaping hole that's been growing inside us for years."
"A gaping hole?" He couldn't mean...
"Where's my mother? Where's the woman who should be your wife, Kisuke? The woman who should be nagging at us for not doing our jobs properly, staying up late at night, and coming home in a mess when she's been worried sick about us over dinner."
"Na-Naruto!"
"Where's my sister? Where's the girl who should be your daughter, Kisuke? The girl you can dote upon, spoil her silly, and be really protective of her, arguing with Kaa-chan that you really didn't mean to crash Nee-chan's first date and set fire to her boyfriend's pants when you thought he was doing something totally un-gentlemanly."
Kisuke spluttered incoherently, and for the first time ever in centuries, the ex-shinigami --- blushed. Urahara Kisuke was a man who had once been feared, revered, and jeered all over Soul Society had never, ever blushed. Not even when the famed heiress of the House of Shihouin had turned her succinct charms at full blast on him had he been fazed. In fact, he had been a perfect gentleman about it, turning the tables on her instead.
Hell, even Benihime's invitations to her private --- and boy, were they private! --- "tea ceremonies" had no affect on him. It was not as if he had no interest in women, but his lack thereof shame had rendered scandal, seduction, and nudity utterly ineffective on him. Oh, if he wanted a woman, he would work and woo as long as he needed to win her affection. No act of love in the noble purpose of courtship was too absurd for Urahara Kisuke.
But sure enough, one Uzumaki Naruto, a slip of boy only four and a half-years-old, had succeeded where countless others had failed!
"B-Baka! What're you-"
"A store isn't complete without the owner, the mangers, and the employees. The same kind of philosophy can also go for a family too, Aniki," Naruto laughed jovially with a bright grin. "I can't explain it. This feeling. But when I look at you all, it just feels right."
"Huh?"
"We're all the same: Onee-chan, you, me. We're all missing pieces, we all have the same eyes, and I know --- I just know she's a part of us that we've been missing all along. Something we've been searching for without even realizing it."
A family.
Urahara Kisuke was thunderstruck.
"Please, Aniki, we have to take her with us! I --- I don't think we'd be able to go on without her now that I've said what I've said..."
Everything has changed, has it not?
Kisuke looked up at the boy, his silvery eyes gleaming ever so slightly with a solemn light. There was only one thing left to do, he supposed.
"So what's her name?"
To be continued...
Author's Notes:
After much time and compensation, chapter 5 is here! There's a change in the air. Kisuke's thunderstruck! Is our beloved Sandal Hat, the eternal youth in a man's body, growing up? It can't be possible! And just where the heck do we go from here?
Thoughts! Reviews! Whatever, maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Mr. Nice Guy!
Thank you all for tuning in and leaving your thoughts for moi. Don't worry we'll get to everyone else eventually, and now that I've done this, I wonder if Urahara Kisuke just became the world's most eligible bachelor? Mwahahah!
Remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the maestro here.
Tsudzuku!