Disclaimer:
Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!
The Surgeon General's Warning:
Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).
How to be a Mr. Nice Guy
Ore no Nindo / My Way of the Ninja is...
Chapter 07:
Two Years
A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards
Two years flew by in the blink of a tear and a laugh for Urahara Shoten. The business had grown by plus one, a much needed boost to the previous glaring lack thereof female employees to balance out the gross surge in male testosterone. Naruto was now six and a half years old, and if possible, he had become even more loud and rambunctious vying daily for the title of "The World's Number #1 Loudest and Proudest Hyperactive Genius Inventor Little Brother." Urahara Kisuke was Kisuke Urashara. He never did say when his birthday was, but he still loved to laze around in the back of Urahara Shop's Man-Portable Deluxe H.C.L. Cart (now upgraded to the Series Type-03 with a patent pending), and throw massive parties every New Years Eve.
Why he did it? Nobody ever asked and never expected a reply. Besides, it was the end of a long hard year's work, and it was good excuse as any to go howling mad for one day with the rest of the town.
The biggest change, of course, was Haku. She was now seven and a half years old, still on the shy side of things, but she was working on it. Naruto had a big sister, and although their roles tended to reverse rather often, he did not mind in the slightest. Sandal Hat was probably the hardest hit with the new life, although he hid it pretty darn well by going out late at night and howling like a wolf at thefull moon, while dancing "The Moonwalker" in "Electric Slide Reversi." The fact of the matter came down to these simple facts really:
1. Urahara Kisuke had a daughter (surrogate or not does not matter).
2. Urahara Shop had a brand new employee.
3. The said employee was in fact very diligent, hard working, and had a decidedly feminine spark for aesthetics, beauty, and ultra user-friendly functionality in new inventions.
4. The new employee was his new extra convenience agent, seamstress-in-training, medic-in-training, soon-to-be inventor extraordinaire, gourmet chef-in-training, and "Pop Goddess Icon"-in-training as Naruto liked to put it because he absolutely hated the concept that she was simply referred to as the Company Mascot.
5. Of course, now that they had a company mascot, he had to learn the fundamentals of advertising, photography, editing, directing, costume design, being a producer, and a ton of other things that really required another body to do.
6. Naruto was more than happy to fill in for make-up, but did not want to touch anything else.
7. Haku was also a highly valuable asset in the field of finances, as she had naturally taken up the dreaded role of accountant with her naturally solicitous and concerned bedside manner.
8. She even addressed him with a highly respectful "Otou-sama" when they were not on the job, while switching to a more formal "Tenchou-dono" at work.
9. It brought tears to his eyes nearly every time he heard it.
10. She was so much more well-mannered, graceful, and organized compared to a certain hyperactive blonde-haired genius.
11. She had even come up with the new Series classification system to help categorize and organize all their products old and new.
12. Urahara Kisuke had a daughter.
Like any good bachelor and/or surrogate father figure, he was now scared SHI-MEOW!-LESS at night, and whenever they went into town, with him either behaving like the perfect gentleman or misbehaving like an immature delinquent (either way did not really matter), he noticed women were starting to pay more attention to him. It was like suddenly he had become the object worthy of attention by the female species from ages "Do NOT touch that virgin POO-NANY!" and up. Even "OLDER, ANCIENT" ladies liked him more, trying to introduce him to their daughters, and that left him scarred for life, not to mention scared SHI-MEOW!-LESS during the day!
Yes, the great Urahara Kisuke, the eternal bachelor, President and CEO of Urahara Shoten, the sublime guardian of two, and former shinigami has reduced to the likes of a coat or some other clothing related metaphor in the desiring eyes of women. He had become a commodity, a product to be bought and sold on the animalistic (or was it humanistic?) basis of want and/or need. It was terrible, a sad, sad day in the history of Urahara Kisuke surely. Heck, even his occasional drinking buddies, "homies on the streets," and "gangstas from the hood" eyed at him enviously with great jealously. Most of them did not want to hang out with him anymore, while others were already putting up betting pools to see how long it would take for some broad to put "a saddle and bridle" on him.
His only consolation prize was that one day, some day, or whenever --- Naruto was going to figure out the difference between boys and girls. He was going to learn why he should not be bathing with his dear beloved big sister in the nude, seeing to her every want and need without even asking (or her realizing), as he saw to it that her growing beauty was assured. He and Kisuke had argued for hours back and forth at the seamstress, the barber, and the beautician until the latter parties got involved themselves and all Hell seemed to break loose over one then five-something-year-old girl, who was busy trying to not blush to death.
Oh yes, Urahara Kisuke could not wait for the day to see his diabolical dream come true and watch his protégé fold up, screw up, turn all seven shades of the rainbow, and dig himself a hole to hide in, praying that God would strike him dead out of mortification. Sure, they were not related by blood in the slightest, so in a way it would be like he was just checking up on his future fiancé or girlfriend. However, it would still be a moment of penultimate hilarity worthy to be recorded in the annals of all human history, and he would see to it that it was featured in the next exciting volume of the Icha Icha series!
He could see the headline now: "The Triste and Misadventures of the Young Lovers --- Childhood Friends, Brother and Sister United Not By Blood --- But Love In Its Purest Form --- And He Had No Idea About The Difference Between Man and Woman --- But OH! GREAT! --- He Found Out One Day ALL RIGHT!"
"BWO! BWHO!" Kisuke chuckled with great villainy at work. His shoulders quivered unnaturally, before he threw his head back into a full blown "Evil Laugh!" (TM) for all to tremble in his presence. "BWO-AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA-EHEHHE-AHAHHAHAHAHA!"
"Otou-sama's doing it again, Naruto-chan," she whispered to him softly, while discreetly tugging on the sleeve of his T-shirt. To the outside observer, it must have been a pretty cute gesture, but in reality, it was a clear sign that his big sister was a touch --- uneasy about the situation.
"MWAHAHAHAHA-OOHHHH-AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!"
Naruto glared lightning bolts into the back of his surrogate father, his right brow twitching visibly in irritation. "I know. I swear to Kami-sama he's been screwed up in the head like this ever since that night. Talk about a guy who doesn't know how to deal with his own issues."
"EHEHEHEHEHHE-YEAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAH-MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"So is it --- my fault then, Na-Naruto-chan?" She held onto his sleeve a little tighter.
"GYAHAHAHAHHA-YES-EHHAHAHAHHAHAH-OOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHO!"
"Nahhh, he loves you to death and you know it, Haku-neechan. Geta-Boushi's always wondering what he should buy next for you, or ---as he puts it, if some villain's gonna holler out and steal you away from us. He'd die of heartbreak, if that ever happened...oh great, he's doing the fan thing."
"HUAGH-LADEEDAH-OOOOHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!"
"Arigatou, Naruto-chan. You always seem to know what to say to cheer me up."
"GO-KISUKE-IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY-BWOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-ha!"
"Of course, Nee-chan, and don't say you're a bother either. ...Geezus, can I please use Taser-chan on him already? People are staring, you know!"
"I'M-DA-MAN! MWAHAHHAHAHAHA-EHEHEHHE-AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! WHO'S BAD? I'M BAD, YO!"
"Well...etou, I guess, it couldn't hurt."
"Woohoo! You're going to love this, O-Nee-chan! I made some sweet upgrades to the Series-05B."
"Series-05B, so soon?"
"Hehehe, she's like my baby. Here, watch this!"
"WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HA-"
VHMM-BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
"-OHRORYRRYAYAYYAYRYAYAYHAGHAHAGHALBERLURURURURURUGRHRHHAHAHGHAH-poof...?"
A noticeably charred, smoking black Urahara Kisuke dropped like a rock into the middle of the street with a thud. The crowd, the women, the children, the men all stared agape in a mixture of awe and shocking shock. No words could describe the pregnant poise in the electrified air as Naruto casually flicked the reverse switch, rapidly reeling in the miniature arrestor hooks that had bit into Sandal Hat's rear just moments ago to deliver a positively devastating "charge." He had the distinct feeling his surrogate father, mentor, boss, and brother figure would not be able to sit right for a while after receiving the electroshock treatment straight to his gluteus maximus.
Life was good.
Haku sweatdropped and blushed in embarrassment, waving her hands evasively in a rather endearing manner, as she squeaked some flustered explanations to the by-standers.
And Kisuke could be heard subtly swearing his revenge.
Oh yes, life better than good --- it was freaking awesome!
Today was seemingly like any other day since she had come to live with Naruto and Kisuke: another road, another town, and another day full of possibility and the unexpected. Haku could never recall a truly boring moment with these two, and in a way, it was a blessing and a curse. Trying to find a moment to sit down and relax after the day's events, as their liable to be an emergency at any time. Those two literally burned themselves out every day, and in return, she would see to them in the evening. It was a cycle that bizarrely paralleled day and night, the sun and the moon, and many other things she had learned along the way.
There were still secrets, of course, amongst them. Urahara Kisuke was her father, her big brother, her uncle, her mentor, her guardian, and her boss all rolled into one. It was a complex relationship shrouded in smoke and mirrors, much like Naruto's connection with the older man. She still did not know much about him, and even her "little brother" did not know much, despite of having been raised personally by the man since his birth. He was an expert at changing the subject, controlling the flow of dialogue, and going as far to manipulate people's emotions. Her father was frightening like that, and she never could get the silvery look of his eyes gleaming in the moonlight out of her head.
Still, by his actions, she resolved to believe he was good man. Never had she seen or heard him do any wrong because in his hidden heart: principle and feelings were more important than just mere necessity and reason. In one of their rare moments together, a kind of father-daughter bonding "thing" that Naruto had insisted on vehemently, he had told her quite simply that human beings were just bags flesh and blood. If she burst one, of course, they would die. Strip them of their feelings: the will to live, and they would become no better than trash. Strip them of their principles: the desire to struggle and do what is truly right, and they would become demons.
She was not sure if she understood all of it, but Haku reasoned it was good sense. After all, she had seen something just like it happen --- once. She never wanted to see it again.
Kisuke certainly had the most secrets, and in fact, it was probably better to call the Keeper of Secrets. He told next to nothing of himself and held onto all the secrets of others, including Naruto. Her brother had grown over the years, a little taller certainly and impossibly happier. He and Sandal Hat constantly showered her with indescribable love that sometimes she did not know how to repay them. The energetic blonde-haired boy insisted what she was doing now for their sake was more than enough thanks, to love them in return was the greatest gift she could give.
Well, Haku did not know what to say to be honest. He was an incorrigibly blunt and straight forward boy, and it did comfort her to be near him. Kisuke would chuckle aloud every time he caught her tugging on Naruto's sleeve. She would blush and then her brother would whirl about face, his bright blue eyes shining brilliantly as he flashed what he had coined "The Mr. Nice Guy" pose to assure her everything would be all right. His confidence was infectious, and some day, she hoped she would be able to work up the courage to ask why he had those whiskers on his face.
They were quite adorable from what she had heard from the occasional passing village woman, and she too found them --- cute.
Yes, today was seemingly like any other day, and the road had brought them to the northeast, far deep into the Lightning Country to a "little" safe haven called Karakura Town. Contrary to its name, Karakura Town was actually a sizeable city complete with a suburb and all the modern necessities a growing metropolis would need. It was also one of the few places in the nearly perpetual cloud stricken, thunder roaring, lightning striking, and rain soaked plateau of the Lightning Country. Not a single day had gone by in her memory since she set foot in this country where one if not all of the above weather conditions had not occurred in the same day.
It was for this very refuge underneath clear blue skies in the bright summer day that they sought out the outdoor seating of a cozy restaurant. Kisuke was laid out lazily on the adjoining bench to their table, largely recovered from his shocking experience earlier, but using this as an excuse as any to slack off. There was Naruto seated from across her digging into a huge bowl of his favorite ramen, o-shiruko (sweet red-been soup), while she contented herself with some green tea.
Of course, Haku could not help but giggle at the sight of the blonde-haired boy trying to eat with a little more reserved gusto than usual. He must have sensed clearly the rare calm that had settled over the gathered members of Urahara Shoten, while their hefty travel bags remained safely tucked away underneath the table. It was a pre-caution not so much to protect themselves but for the poor unsuspecting thieves who had no clue that they were about to set off the equivalent of about three hundred thousand volts (per bag).
The end result would not be pretty in the slightest.
"I can't believe it's niiiii-ne in the morning only," the eternally unshaven man murmured audibly over the soothing calm of the nearby river.
Haku stiffled a giggle for the sake of her adopted father. He never really was much of a morning person. In a way, he was just like a cat, preferring to spend his morning indoors, lazing away in the rising sun. It was also the complete opposite behavior of her little brother.
"Geez, Geta-Boushi, you're always super, uncool, lame-o lazy in the morning," Naruto huffed, throwing an accusing sidelong glance at the older man. "You should learn to live life with more effort, give it a hundred-twenty percent every moment, or otherwise --- we're really going to have to start calling you 'Kisuke-O-JI-SAN' instead."
Twitch.
"I'm not that old-"
"Ara-ara, that's enough teasing Otou-sama for this morning, Naruto-chan."
Instantly, Kisuke seemed to light up like a Christmas tree complete with a sparkling aura full of paternal pride and joy that his dear daughter was stepping up to his defense. Nevermind all the other heart attacks she's given me because it feels so good to be me right now!
Aw, darn it. Haku-neechan just stepped up to the plate, Naruto wrinkled his nose in distaste, knowing fully well there was no way he could go against his big sister.
"Besides, you wouldn't want to owe him twice in the same day, do you?"
"Owe him twice?"
"Hmmmm, hm!" I love you, Haku-chan! You're the best daughter a father could ask for!
"Don't you remember what happened the last time you pranked him twice in the same day? As I recall..."
The hyperactive blonde-haired genius paled as the terrible memory finally dawned on him, making his jaw drop. Suddenly, the air behind him turned black and blue complete with gnarly squiggly lines of doom. Oh yes, now he remembered clearly because that particular day had not been a particularly pleasant evening for Uzumaki Naruto.
"SO! HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR OUTFIT TODAY, HAKU-ONEECHAN?" he beamed in a unnaturally loud voice, sending the morning birds scattering in a hurried flutter. Incidentally, being terrifyingly loud was Naruto's perfect natural defense mechanism. Few people could withstand the power of his voice at full blast, including one Urahara Kisuke who had promptly curled up into a ball to shield his sensitive ears.
Haku sweatdropped. "Well..."
She gave herself a quick once over. It seemed after much arguing and badgering as usual, Naruto and Kisuke had compromised on the "Sporty" look: loose khaki trousers, a high-collared utility vest with Urahara Shop's signature emblem on the back, a dark blue tank, and oddly enough --- steel toed combat boots. The latter was a strange choice, but with her long glossy raven hair down, which her brother had automatically dubbed one of the Wonders of the World...
Of course, he also insisted it was not black in the slightest, but a shade of dark blue if one were to peer closely enough, just like her eyes.
...Haku supposed it was at least a little bit less intimidating.
"I love it, Naruto-chan," she replied frankly with a smile. After having living with them so long, she fully understood that Naruto and Kisuke did not pick out her clothes on a whim. They bickered constantly on a daily battle over aesthetics and functionality, form versus function, when the solution to problem was simply just "form follows function."
The blonde-haired boy grinned proudly. It was moments like these he lived for and...
"OwOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWO!"
"Al-right, NA-ru-to-chan, it's time for work," the infamous eternally unshaven man appeared out of nowhere, shattering his wondrous daydream with a sharp tug to his ear!
Curse that man, and he was getting to good part too. Naruto sighed wistfully and complied with an unenthusiastic "Hai-Hai, Tenchou...", slurping down the rest of his ramen in a singular superhuman feat of eating, before bending down to retrieve his and Sandal Hat's backpacks. This was so totally a drag, and when Kisuke finally paid him back, he was going to get right back at him for this "super lameness."
"Oh, you're leaving already?" Haku asked, a touch surprised by the abruptness of her father's --- no --- her boss's announcement. She was not sure if work and home should be two separate things, but for the sake of propriety, she adjusted swiftly. "Tenchou-dono?"
Kisuke laughed. "Yup-yup, I got a long day ahead, and I'm not going to leave my number one troublemaker agent..."
"Hey, I'm standing right here, you know, Jiji!" Naruto squawked indignantly.
"...see what I mean?"
"Anou --- I think so."
"Argh, whatever! I'll prove it that I've still got what it takes to be the No. 1 Convenience Agent in the world! Just you watch!" With this said, Naruto took off like a yellow-orange blur towards the bridge that served as a crossing over the riverbank. "Smell ya later, Geta-Boushi, NYA-NAH!"
"Look, there he goes again, taking off without even saying good-"
"He doesn't have to say goodbye, if he's going to come back home, Tenchou-dono," Haku interjected respectfully.
The former shinigami blinked, not quite believing he was hearing such words from a girl so young. "Wha?"
"Think about it, Tenchou-dono. Goodbye is for farewell, right? But, if you're not leaving, you don't have to say goodbye."
"Hm, by Eureka! --- you might just be on to something, Haku-chan," he laughed proudly, patting her on the shoulder. Urahara seemed to relax visibly now that he understood a little better, and she beamed at his praise, happy to have perhaps brought some peace of mind to him.
"Well then, you go ahead and stick around here. I get the feeling something interesting might be coming along soon..."
"Something --- interesting?"
"Yeah, call it a businessman's intuition. I can smell an opportunity in the air from a kilometer away, and that's no joke!"
"Hai, Tenchou-dono."
"Besides, I think those kids playing by the riverbank might need a little medical attention..."
There was an ear-splitting thwack, and on cue, a rousing wail of pain went up into the air. Haku saw one of the waitresses duck her head outside for a moment to survey the scene, shaking her head admonishingly, before retreating back within again. Needless to say, she was surprised by the accuracy of her father's words.
"...about now."
"Otou-sama!" she called out to him impulsively as he began to amble away casually. The raven-haired girl did not even realize her slip of the tongue in the heat of the moment.
Kisuke's reply was swift and jolly, "Don't think too much about it. If somebody needs some serious help or you get a gut feeling, just act. You're old enough now, and I got plenty of faith in you after that pep talk. Now, if you'll excuse, I gotta go catch up with that brilliant twerp, Naruto! He even stole my stuff with him too. See ya later, Haku-chan!"
He was gone like a green man in a dead run, kicking up a huge cloud in his wake from his tailwind. She was on her own for the foreseeable rest of the day. The bill was paid, the patrons inside were starting to get antsy, and whoever it was down by the riverbank was still bawling there lights out.
Yes, this was certainly the fantastic start of another new day!
To be continued...
Author's Notes:
Yes, we're in Karakura Town! For the Win and l33t! This is also probably the longest chapter I've ever written, and I pray the last because I really do prefer the faster pace and release from my shorter chapters. The character development for the new Urahara Shop family turned to be heckuva lot bigger than I realized. Still, I think crammed in enough WAFF and Comedy to balance out the drama.
More importantly...
Just WHEN will Urahara get hitched? He's a wanted man, all right! Are we going to have more Bleach characters finally? Are we going to see a Hollow? Do we get a Chibi Ichigo? How about a Karate Tatsuki? Will the kids ever receive any kind of formal ninja, shinobi, shinigami, or whatever the heck training? Can they even become Genin at this rate? There's only around five years left before the normal Naruto cannon will be catching up!
Thoughts! Reviews! Whatever, maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Mr. Nice Guy!
Thank you all for tuning in and leaving your thoughts for moi. The reviews are great "Food for Thought" and quite frankly I had almost forgotten about Zabuza. Not sure what to do with him, but I'll figure something out. Remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the maestro here.
Tsudzuku!