Disclaimer:
Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!
The Surgeon General's Warning:
Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).
How to be a Mr. Nice Guy
Ore no Nindo / My Way of the Ninja is...
Chapter 09:
It Gets Dark
A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards
The sun was setting in the distant horizon, heralding the end of the another day's of hard work, and it was under this brilliant blaze of orange, red, and yellow did the two figures came to a fateful meeting. They were an oddly familiar sight to the eyes, the younger and the older, as if they had always been regulars to Ueno Inn, situated in a relatively sedate neighborhood in the bustling town of Karakura. It was all an act of "Presence," of course; a rather useful skill Sandal Hat had passed down to his surrogate son and daughter in recent years, as an effective form of crowd control and --- client persuasion.
At present, Kisuke could not help but marvel at just how supremely "jacked up" Naruto looked. His clothes were a mess, dirt and grime clung to nearly every inch of him, and has normal bright sunny blonde hair had been reduced to an unfaltering shade of brownish-yellow. He wreaked like a foul concoction of sweat, ashes, and things probably better left unsaid, which reminded the older man oddly of a substance known as "ammonia," packing enough punch to certainly wake the dead.
It was all Kisuke could do not to cackle mockingly, like the super awesome genius convenience agent, mentor, big brother, CEO, ex-Shinigami, and surrogate father of two that he most assuredly was! Instead, he opted for something more --- subtle, something so painstakingly aggravating that it would send his young compatriot surely into convulsions of insult and admiration all at once. And so, Urahara Kisuke smirked, his immaculate white teeth gleaming with a brief twinkle as his black haori billowed out behind him from a passing breeze all super awesome genius...
"Geta-Boushi, wipe that. That. That. Darn. S-Smirk. Off. Your. Face. Now," Naruto hissed tersely between grit teeth, smiling a smile that never did quite reach his eyes. He was quite pissed off after the totally weird blazing day he had just gone through, a day that he really hoped he would not remember in the morning. Alas, he had completely forgotten that sooner or later, he was going to spill the beans about his day over dinner or some other occasion, but at least, he could have gotten away with a much needed bath beforehand.
However, in his current state, it was pretty darn obvious that strange things had happened to Uzumaki Naruto, and it all started with one purple-haired girl...
"What was that just now, Na-ru-to-chan? Something about a purple-haired girl?"
Naruto paled, his jaw going slack with an audible "cha-ching." Oh by Buddha, did he just say that aloud? No way. No freakin' way!
"I'm still waiiiiiiii-ting, Naruto-chan! I wonder what-"
"Nononononononononononono! It's not what you think-"
"But it IS what I think it IS, isn't it, Naruto-chan?"
"Darn it, darn it, darn it! That stupid Arisawa Tatsuki-baka, flat-chested, karate, ugly, tomboy girl has got nothing-!"
"Tatsuki-flat-chested-karate-tomboy-ugly-baka-Arisawa-chan-who?"
Oh my Buddha, I did NOT just say that either! It's bad enough that she laid me out flat on my butt because I got a little careless... NO WAY! That was a FLUKE! Besides, she started it!
Kisuke sat down on his haunches, flourishing his fan in a most conspiratorially manner, as that gleaming smirk just got brighter and bright, "Oh, come on, Naruto-chan, I promise this'll just be between the two of us!"
"Yeah --- right, and I'm a blondie," the hyperactive soon-to-be-number-one-convenience-agent-in-the-world genius growled in a not particular pleasant manner.
"But, Naruto --- you are a blondie. Blonde hair? Blue eyes? Hello?"
Holy Buddha, my "Mr. Nice Guy Senses!" must've been punched straight to "Eureka!" when that stupid Tatsuki-inu laid me out in front of that dojo of hers. I'm becoming an idiot! "Shut up! I didn't just say that!"
"But you did."
"No, I didn't!"
"Did too."
"Did not!"
"Did toooooooooooo!"
"Did not times infinity! HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhh! Whose got who now, Geta-Boushi?"
"Did you get beat up by a girl, Naruto-kun?"
Naruto blanched. "Wha-"
"Well, according to my inner 'Eureka!' and based upon how jacked up you look, this sort of things usually starts with --- a girl," stated Kisuke clinically with a "shiny" grin, "Kukukuku..."
Oh Buddha, if Haku-neechan found out I got beat up by a girl, she would totally freak. After all, how could she rely on me to protect her if some crazy man-hating --- err --- person --- girl-thing came after her and kidnapped her from underneath our noses? "Argh, I --- I-!"
"So did you make any profit at all out of this whole mess? Experience tells me that things usually snowball downhill from there, one thing leads to another, and-"
"Seventy-Five Ryo!"
"Seventy-Five? Wow, not bad --- and who started this?"
"Uhhh, well..." Okay, I wasn't expecting that! I thought Geta-Boushi was going to get up all in my face and fool around like a loon. "...SHE DID! I swear to Buddha, it was all her fault! I was just passing by that karate dojo when this orange-haired kid came flying out the front door and nailed me. Strawberry Kurosaki-something... It totally was NOT my fault, believe it!"
"Oh, really now? And what did you say to Tatsuki-chan?"
"Ta-Ta-Tat-Tatsuki-CHAN? Are you crazy, Geta-Boushi? She doesn't deserve a '-chan'anything, more like Tatsuki-kun! She hits like a GUY does! And I told her flat-out to her face too. No way in a million years would she ever be as beautiful as Haku-neechan!"
"And why did you do this, Naruto-kun?"
"Well, because she knocked that Strawberry-head kid out cold. I thought she was a bully or something, though I found out later from Strawberry's mom that Tatsuki-inu gets a little bit carried away every now and then when she spars with Straw-I mean-Ichigo."
"So you decided to be Mister Nice Guy at the wrong place, at the wrong time?"
"Yeah."
"And it all went downhill from there, right?"
"Yeah, Yakuza and stuff --- bad."
"But you did take care of the Yakuza, right?"
"Yup, all gone thanks to me!" Naruto thumped his chest proudly with a fist. "Well, at least for the meantime anyway. Can't say what the situation will be like in ten years or so, but with any luck, they won't be coming back for a while, ne, Tenchou-san?"
Kisuke nodded his assent and stood up. Ah, he did even more of a thorough job than I thought, but I wonder...
"You didn't kill anybody, did you?"
"Blah! Of course not! How can you be a real Mister Nice Guy, if you kill people? Besides, those guys weren't completely bad to the guts, Geta-Boushi, and they hadn't killed anybody yet either. Truth was, they had only gotten started when I showed up to clean things up and set the record straight. Those crazy guys even wanted to make me the new Boss!"
Kisuke laughed heartily, before he promptly doused his surrogate son with a heavy dose of sanitizing spray. Taken by surprise, Naruto squealed in a rather undignified manner, shielding himself through the burst while the older man cackled maniacally at his triumph. It was not a prank in the best sense of the words, but it was still sweet revenge after getting laid out cold by Taser-chan again for the umpteenth. Of course, like all things, it was short-lived as he ran out of ammunition and was forced into a merry high-speed retreat back into the inn, with a furious screaming indignant junior manager hot on his heels.
He had to admit, though, the boy had a point. How can you be a real "Mr. Nice Guy," if you kill people? Kisuke doubted that Naruto fully comprehended the exact nature of morality and justice yet, but his idealism was something to behold truly. To think he had broken up some local yakuza all by himself, and made a hefty profit in the process, was an uncommon achievement for a child his age, something worth to be proud of. However, how long would it last?
Idealism: the word seemed to be perfect for the twist down the philosophical road Naruto had just maneuvered him down unintentionally. Urahara knew he had it once, a long, long, long, long time ago. It was so long ago, he could barely remember it, but he could not deny it was there, that he had it once. Ideals were precious things, and yet, as much as he hated to admit it, the ex-Shinigami had been keeping an incomprehensibly meticulous, silent track of time.
Five years...
Just a good five years was all the time he had left before he had to step up to his end of the bargain. Urahara Kisuke was not a man to give his word lightly, and considering he had promised the Kage of a rather prominent ninja village that he would return in twelve years time, he sure as heck had to go back. If he did not comply, the blonde-haired dandy did not really fancy the idea of his life becoming anymore --- unpleasant --- by being added to another "Bingo Book." He already had trouble from any number of psychopomps from the spiritual world hunting for his head most likely, along with any other not very nice people he had crossed paths with over the years, including some ninjas.
"HA-HAAAAAaaaaaaaa! You're no match for the graceless corporate speed of this company's CEO, my young protégé!" Kisuke shouted back as he mounted the stairs, bounding upwards two steps at a time. "If you can't even beat me to the room, guess who Haku-chan'll be taking a bath with tonight, NA-RU-TO?"
The yellowy blur closing in behind him decided to move just a little faster, getting down literally on all fours. "In your dreams, Pervert-jiji! You know, you want a wife!"
A wife-!
The very thought of it was enough to cause a break in his concentration, sending Kisuke upending face first into the wooden floor with a comical yelp. The hollow thud reverberating through his jaw into his ears, he looked up just in time to see Naruto sailing by overhead, wearing a dastardly grin on face that brought out the whisker-like birthmarks in his cheeks. It reminded him just like one of those big mischievous grins Yoru-
Kisuke shook his head vehemently, dismissing the memories that threatened to surface. For almost eight years now, he had managed to keep them under lock and key, the pictures of his former life, in a solid black box for no one's eyes but his alone. Occasionally, there were reminders here and there, like the chance encounter with the Mad Dog just two years ago; however, it was just a fluke, right? It was not like his past was finally gaining ground on him, and that today would be the day of reckoning at long last.
After all, he still had a while to run yet, was not that right?
"WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHTTTTT!"
There was barely enough to clap his hands over his ears for the ensuing shockwave of Naruto's "Legendary Super Genius Hyperactive Unpredictable Scream of...Anguish" that could be heard rifling through the inn and off into the orangey heavens --- wait a second, that did not sound right. Naruto screaming in anguish? What was he screaming for; it was like Kisuke could recall setting up any pranks in their room and his daughter was not the type for "mischief managed" in general, so...
"KIIIIIIISSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ANNNNNIIIIKKKKKIIIIIII!"
What in the world? Now, he sounds like he's crying, thought the ex-Shinigami ponderously, as he picked himself off the floor. There was an awful lot of sobbing, sniffling, whimpering, and snorting emanating from the open doorway. Definitely, this was a sure case of "un-Naruto-like" behavior, an ill omen indeed.
Still, it was not like something really, really, really bad had happened, right?
"Oi, Naruto, what's all the waterwor-!"
His words died in his throat, like embers fizzling out in the wind. Black butterflies, jigoku kouchou --- Hell Butterflies; they were everywhere, infesting the room like a black plague. Naruto sat hunched over by the Western-style beds, clutching something in his hands as he shook and trembled in anguish, oblivious to the creatures all around him. Maybe it was a small blessing that his surrogate son's spirit senses were too weak to actually see the bloody black things, but to Kisuke it was a sure sign, a blatant calling card, if not the finger to his face that some shinigami had been here.
And they meant business.
"The-They... Some-someone! Some-sonuva...to-took h-her, Aniki!" cried the blonde-haired boy, his broken voice tempered with a rage that was just beginning to bubble. "Someone took --- Haku-neechan!"
Nevermind Naruto seemed to be grasping the concept of explicit expletives from somewhere, as there were much more important things to deal with. Simply put, the "EMO-moron" who took his surrogate daughter was going to pay big time, and he was going to enjoy this --- a lot. Nobody screwed with his family, period.
"Give me the note, Naruto," Kisuke asked simply, no emotion what so ever. He was saving up his anger for later, but for now, he wanted to see who had the bright idea to pull something off like this against him of all the bonafide crazy, scary sonuva-BLEEP!s from Soul Society.
The notes contents were...
Kisuke,
If you are reading this, then you should already know what this means. There's a forest to the west of this town, Raimori, exactly sixteen kilometers. Be there by sunset, or I cannot guarantee the girl's safety.
Suzumebachi.
P.S. I hope you will enjoy the other present I left behind, now that this note has found its way into your hands in...
Three...
The Hornet...
Oh --- Hell NO!
"Naruto!" Kisuke shouted, grabbing the blonde-haired boy suddenly by the scruff of his neck, earning a surprised yelp from Naruto as he...
EXPLOSION.
He was slow, much too slow. Had eight years been enough to dull his skills this much? Was it possible that eight years had weakened him so much that even her child's play plot had been enough to dispose of the infamous Urahara Kisuke, former Captain of Twelfth Division, and the grandest traitor to all of Soul Society.
NO. There's no way that wily bastard'd die so easily, thought Soi Fong, her russet eyes flashing rage as she hurled a knuckle clenched fist into the trunk of the nearby tree. A resonating thud punctuated the blow, and the ancient torched maple splintered into pieces with a pitiful whimper, collapsing loudly into a heap, like a fallen house of cards. There's no way. There's no way Yoru-Yoru-Yoruichi-sama would --- choose someone so --- weak --- over me!
The pitch black sky rumbled and flashed with white, ominous and wanting, as the wind moaned, carrying their chattering voices. Men, women, and children, the tense misty air was heavy from their tainted presence, the shadows stirring and shifting with things nightmare and eyes bubbling to the surface. She had only set the bait four minutes and thirty eight seconds ago, and astonishingly, so many of them of had already gathered together, congregating in packs amidst these dead woods, scorched black by countless fires.
Yes, there was no doubt she had waited a long time for this fateful moment ever since that mad dog, Kenpachi, brought in news of him two years ago. Convincing the Commander-General to allow her to resign from her post and make haste for the human world in an unrestricted gigai had been no easy feet. Soi Fong hated to admit it, but if it were not for the favor of that man, Sousuke Aizen the Captain of the Fifth Division, she would not be standing here right now in front of her hated enemy.
Hated second only to the one who had abandoned her, the shinigami had planned and trained for any inevitability, ones where she would open the eyes of that most important person to her --- and this one. Her life had been ruined because of him. It was him who seduced Yoruichi-sama away from her, the devil that sowed deceitful, perverse visions of grandeur into the heart and soul of Yoruichi-sama. Him. Him. Him! It was all because of Urahara Kisuke that nightmares robbed her of sleep, and an angry acid black flowed through her veins, as her heart bled from the twin scars, day and night.
Everything had been ruined became of Urahara Kisuke, and it would be today that she would have her sweet revenge. Eight years Soi Fong had waited for this moment, eight years since she succeeded Yoruichi-sama, eight years since Yoruichi-sama --- left, but everything would be all right after tonight. After all, once she presented Urahara Kisuke's head to Yoruichi-sama, surely her most important person would awaken from her delusions, and end this nightmare once and for all.
Yoruichi-sama did not --- leave --- her because of her own will. She would have taken her trusted lieutenant anywhere, and her Soi Fong would have followed diligently as always, no questions asked. The Fong house has served the noble house of Shihouin in such a manner for centuries, and the Elders could not have possibly been mistaken by ordaining that she would follow Yoruichi-sama.
Yoruichi-sama was-!
Yoruichi-sama...
"Why...why didn't you take me with you?" whispered the cloaked woman, as the night rumbled with the drums of thunder.
For a moment, there were no other words to be said. The gravity of here and now, was settling upon her shoulders, like an invisible weight, as the shadows voiced her doubts. Had she done the right thing? Was kidnapping a child and holding them hostage, like bait, the makings of something righteous? Would Yoruichi-sama approve? Would Yoruichi-sama disapprove?
Soi Fong smirked darkly. Is now any time for me to be doubting myself? I've come this far, haven't I? What's one child to me, anyway? As long as it can get me one-step closer to Yoruichi-sama, what does it matter?
It should not matter at all, right?
"Oi, GETA-BOUSHI, HOLD UP FOR A SECOND HERE!" a sudden boisterous voice broke out from the darkness, jarring her senses awake. The rushing rapport of footsteps... "Sandal Hat"? Who was that? It couldn't be-? "HEY, I SAID, 'WAIT A MINUTE HERE,' JIJI! Have you gone deaf or something?"
The advancing set of heavier steps came to a halt, breathing lightly, but still in good shape, as it was joined by its companion, punctuated by harsh ragged breaths. "Au contraire, Naruto-chan, you actually said, 'HOLD UP FOR A SECOND HERE.'"
"Gah, stupid-stupid-stupid! Aghk...!"
"Still, I'm impressed you managed to keep up with me more or less, so then shall we-"
"KISUKE-BAKA!" Naruto cut in with angry rasp. "You don't --- call guys --- '-chan'! And. You're --- not listening ---- to a single --- thing I'm saying!"
The man giggled jovially, not even the slightest bit concerned, "Why, whatever could you mean, Na-ru-to-chan?"
"You're not --- being yourself right --- now, you freakin' MORON!"
Soi Fong blinked at the shear absurdity of the boy's statement. What? Urahara Kisuke was not being himself right now? However, as ridiculous as the notion was, she could not simply just ignore it. Any tactical advantage she could get right now was the worth the risk, especially when she was but moments away from entering battle. And so, the shinigami crept closer, timing her stealthy steps with the booming roar of thunder overhead, as the unpleasant silence settled between the boy and Urahara.
"Maa, maa, Naruto, I think that explosion knocked a few screws loose out of-" the older man attempted jovially, before he was promptly cut off with a fiery retort.
"SAME. TO. YOU, JIJI! And when were you able to move that fast, anyway? I'm not ungrateful, being alive sure beats being toasty and crispy like fried tempura, but I don't think even stupid crazy shinobi can move that fast!"
"Naru-"
"And what's with you charging head first into this, like an angry kid? That's my job! Aren't adults supposed to sit bit, think about the situation, and be smart and stuff about things like this? By Buddha, you know this is a trap, oldest trick in the book. You saw all those knocked out lightning towers on the way too, didn't you, Geta-Boushi; if our freakin' bobby trapped room wasn't enough!"
"Naruto..."
"That person blew the whole place up! What if there were people still in there, when those bombs or whatever went off? Huh? HUH? This is-this is pure cold --- ninja --- stuff-I... I HA-HATE SHINOBI! Don't the-they ever think about-"
"Naruto, you're..."
"So wh-what if I'm a-a big crybaby? And who's-who's this 'Hornet' person? Do they get some-some kind sick joy out of-of blowing people up, huh? HUH? Can't they --- can't they understand the pain they'll cause to the people left behind?"
Abruptly, Soi Fong stumbled in her step, breaking a twig underfoot with a sharp crack. Lightning flashed, the scene white, and when the rumbling darkness returned, there was only her and two sets of eyes, blue and silver. It was impossible to believe that such an absurdity had happened, but sure enough, here she was living the grim reality of it all. There stood Urahara Kisuke dressed in greens and all, with his sealed zanpakutou in hand and a backpack on his back, wearing the most queer expression on his face, somewhere between a frown and a smile, and then there was the boy, Naruto.
Damn, I got careless... she thought bitterly with a sneer. All because of one child.
"Well, it's been a long time coming, hasn't it, Urahara-taichou?"
To be continued...
Author's Notes:
After a month, I'm back with the goods and another episode. Chapter 9: GO! Naruto's certainly had an interesting day, but wait, it gets better? What's this with Kisuke not acting like himself? How the heck did he manage to escape that explosion with Naruto in tow? Has Soi Fong gone nuts? Didn't she just totally the possibility of collateral damage? Does she really think bringing Kisuke's head to Yoruichi will make everything right again? And man, does Naruto hate ninjas or what? This doesn't spell good tidings for the future to come...
Thoughts! Reviews! Whatever, maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Mr. Nice Guy!
Thank you all for tuning in and leaving your thoughts for moi. I noticed we got some pretty enthusiastic and motivated reviewers out there, which gets me motivated too, so thanks for the pick me ups. On the other hand, I repeat there is no need to actually physically harm yourself. I wouldn't want to be made the scapegoat now by the media and angry soccer moms. Now, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the maestro here.
Tsudzuku!