"Please Indy, shush. Daddy's not mad with you, he's just drunk." She looks up at me with those bright green eyes, eyes that stir memories in my mind, and stops crying. Recently she's started to become clingier- crying when I'm away from her, stopping the second I'm near again. Steve offers no comfort for her, in fact she screams more if he holds her. That in turn annoys him more and I have to take her off him quickly before he hurts her.

His rages scare me-the way his eyes suddenly fix on me and I know I've done something wrong. I used to know-usually it was something silly like the dinner wasn't hot enough or the table was messy, but recently it's been more cryptic. Last night he nearly punched me because I didn't look at him when he spoke to me. Before that it was because Indy's toys were messy, and the night before it was because I left the landing light on.

At 16 months she's starting to walk and talk, though she doesn't do much of either a lot of the time for fear of making her daddy mad. But on days like these, when he's gone from 8am til 9pm she wanders round the house with me, singing. Sometimes, if I close my eyes, she could be Freya. But I open them again all too soon, see my surroundings and remind myself I gave up my right to my children the day I got in that car and drove away.

It breaks my heart to think I don't know what my children really look like. The last time I saw Max he had a graze on his chin and a new haircut, Freya had dark hair, always in pigtails. And Meredith, the baby I dreamt of, was 11 months and beginning to teeth. Now she'd be nearly 3, and twins would have just turned 7.

I often think about writing Luka a letter, telling him everything, but the chance of Steve finding out and the consequences are too risky. Even if I asked Luka not to write back, I know how stubborn he is.

"Max, why did you punch Adam Sawyer?"

"He said my mommy was a puta and she didn't love me." I look in confusion at the principal.

"Puta means whore in Spanish Mr Kovac." He says quickly and looks back at my son who is chewing on his thumb nail. "Punching doesn't solve things Max; if you were mad you should have spoken to your teacher." Max nods and looks at me. "Don't do it again."

"I won't."

"Okay, well I won't suspend you this time-you're normally very good- but if it happens again, I will. Understand?" Max nods again. "Okay, well bye Max. Bye Mr Kovac." I take Max's hand and we go to the car. Freya is sitting in the back talking to Meri, who is eating a lollypop. Alex is slid down in the front seat with a face like thunder. He got suspended today for bringing alcohol to school. My kids are rioting!

As soon as we get home, Alex runs to his room and almost immediately the normal booming music comes on. I sit the twins and Meri in the living room to watch a video and I start making dinner.

For the first week after Sam left I cooked pizza every night. The next week it was chicken and chips and the cycle went on until the kids started complaining. Now I use a recipe book and make different dishes most nights-our favourite is tuna pasta bake.

The phone goes as I'm putting the dish in the oven. I slam the cooker door and dash for the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dr Kovac?"

"Speaking."

"It's Sergeant Saunders. We've had some information from Brookbank General Hospital, Minnesota. An Ms Samantha Taggart was treated there last Thursday."

"What for?"

"They aren't at the liberty to say-you're lucky we got that much."

"Thank you Sergeant Saunders." We hang up and I try and control my joy. There's a high chance it's not her, that she isn't even near Minnesota or any other problem. I'm not telling the little kids until I have to, but I feel the need to tell Alex.

"Hey Al," I push open the door and he looks up. "What you doing?"

"Looking at photos." He mumbles.

"Mind if I join you?" He shakes his head and holds a pile of glossy pictures out to me. All of them are of Sam and him or of all three of us together, except one near the bottom of the pile. It's Sam when she's pregnant with the twins, sunbathing. Her shirt is pulled up over her bump and she's smiling at something to the right of the camera.

"Do you like this photo?"

"S'alright."

"Alex, I have something to tell you…There's a slight possibility we've found your mom." Alex stares at me.

"Where?"

"Well apparently an Ms Samantha Taggart was treated in Minnesota last week. They couldn't say what for-patient confidentiality. I'll go up there as soon as possible…"

"I'm coming too."

"No Alex, I can't. What will the others say?"

"I don't care. Please Luka; I need to find my mom." He looks over at me and for the first time in two years I see a glimmer of something vulnerable in his eyes. I nod, unable to refuse him this time.

"I need you to find a nice picture of Freya, Max and Meri. Your mom'll want to see her kids if we find her."

"When we find her."

Go on, push the button

The time has come to PUSH THE BUTTON

please :D mwah x