I drag myself away from her, looking back every few seconds as I walk down the street. I kick myself for not bringing Alex but he has the beginnings of a cold and I didn't want her to see him looking drippy and pale. She might think I hadn't been looking after him.
I think she thinks I didn't see the bruises but she's wrong. I half expected her not to be there, for me to find her unconscious, but she was alive at least. The thing that most upset me, more than the bruises and the whole baby thing, was the look in her eyes. She looked like she had given up caring. Those eyes which ones held so much love, so much hope and so much happiness are now cold stones.
I was upset about India, about not being told I was a father again but something in those words she said rang true. I could see the fear etched into her flawless skin, and that fear was mirrored in our child's face. All I know now is I have to get her out of there.
---------
I shut the door and slide down, hugging my knees. Indy crawls over to me, pulls herself up and leans on me, grinning like a loon. She sure knows how to cheer me up.
I'm scared now. More scared than I've ever been of Steve, because I know Luka hasn't left for good, and now I've seen him I want to see him again. I want to see my children, even though I don't deserve to. I'm such an awful mother-leaving the children I did have, and bringing my unborn child to a place where she will grow up to fear anyone but me. What sort of life is that?
I hate this wait, sitting here anticipating him coming home and knowing straight away. I know it'll show in my face, I haven't ever been able to hide things from him. He knows my inner most secrets and it's half the power he holds over me, he manipulates me in every way possible then leaves my weary shell to recover.
-----
My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
Cos I was under you're control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I understand
To make yourself feel like a man
----
"How's mom?"
"Fine."
"Luka? What's wrong?" Alex peers over his book as I open the door. His throat is swollen and he looks pale but better than this morning. "Is mom okay?" I nod softly.
"She had a little surprise for me." He sits up and looks at me. "You have another sister."
"I've…what?" He screeches. "Hang on…half or whole."
"Half…I think. She looks like Meri, Alex. Her name is India and she's about 1 and a half."
Alex looks at me for a while then a smile creeps over his face.
"When can I see them?" I bite my lip, thinking.
"I dunno…if that's such a good idea." Alex stops smiling and stares at me.
"So, what…you get to see her, and my sister but I don't. Where do you get off Luka, do you just wanna keep her for yourself?"
"Alex, don't be like that. The reason I don't want you to see her right now is because…well, look…Steve isn't very nice. He is…erm…well your mom…" I stop trying to formulate the words in my head. "He beats her up."
"Stop lying!" Alex stands up, his face red. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" He runs towards the door but I block it.
"Calm down."
"Why don't you just piss off! I hate you!" With that he throws open the door and vanishes as I drop onto the bed and wonder what I did wrong this time.
--------
I wish Luka had stayed long enough for me to talk to him. I want to ask about Freya, and Max, and Meredith and Alex. I wanna know when Meri learnt to walk, when Freya and Max learnt to ride a bike, whether they can all swim. The sorts of things a mother should know, but all the things I forfeited.
The only child I know about is Indy, with her funny loping walk and quiet little voice. I know her laughter by heart; her smile has become my smile when I've forgotten how. I know the feel of her hands, the perfection of her skin. Everything down to the freckles on her nose is imprinted in my mind.
But so is the feel of Steve's hands on my face, my arms, my stomach. The smell of his beer soaked breath as I try to pretend I'm asleep, the sound of his voice when I've mucked up again. The look in his eyes when he's mad; all these things are etched into my memory, the clouds that bring darkness even through the happiest times.
I know I have to get out, for mine and Indy's sakes but somehow I can't summon the strength to run the way I have to. I can barely lift my own baby anymore. I suppose missing meals isn't good, but sometimes I just feel so sick. It's not my fault.