Warning – there's worse language in this one. 😊
A/N I diverged a little in some places but kept some the same as the show. The scene where they talk about the will is word-for-word because I thought it was important and I didn't want to change that part of the show. And, again, thank you so much to everyone who stops to read this. I appreciate you and your time when you have so many other stories available.
That time came sooner than they expected when Dr. Carter released Eddie the following evening on the caveat that someone would be with him for a few days.
"Okay, nurse is getting your meds and discharge papers ready. Then we can get out of here," Buck announced, walking back into Eddie's room.
Eddie looked up from where he was sitting on the bed, waiting. "Great. Hey, since we got a minute…"
"Uh, is everything all right?" Buck stopped from putting something in his pocket and glanced up.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm just, uh, I've been meaning to talk to you about something."
"Okay." The younger man walked past Eddie and sat on the other end of the bed.
"So, you might have noticed I almost died. Again. Yeah, I've had a lot of close calls. This one wasn't even my closest…"
"Eddie…"
"Just let me finish."
Buck met his gaze, clearly concerned about where this was going.
"After the last time when that well collapsed on top of me…"
"Which you survived," Buck interrupted.
Eddie gave him a look and a soft huff. "…after that…it got me thinking. You know, what would happen to Christopher if I hadn't? So, I went to my attorney and changed my will. So, someday, if I, uh…didn't make it, Christopher would be taken care of… by you." Eddie's eyes never left Buck's when he delivered the news, his gaze soft and steady.
"What?" Buck stuttered, not quite comprehending what Eddie was telling him.
"It's in my will; if I die, you become Christopher's legal guardian."
To say he was stunned was an understatement. "I mean, h-how-how does that even work? Don't…" he chuckled softly. "Don't-don't you need my consent?"
Eddie tipped his head slightly. "My attorney said you could refuse," he answered, looking away.
Buck's eyes were glued to Eddie's face. "You know I wouldn't." And didn't that say it all? I'd never say no.
"I know you wouldn't." And Eddie's face had an answering look – that he never had a doubt.
Buck looked down, drawing in a rapid breath. "I mean, he-he has grandparents, other family." People better than me.
Eddie chuckles. "Yeah. After Shannon left, they all tried to guilt me into giving Christopher to them. It's not what I wanted then; it's not what I want now."
Buck held out a hand toward Eddie. "If," he emphasized. "It came to that, w-wouldn't they fight for him?"
"I don't know," Eddie shifted, straightening his back. "Maybe…probably." Eddie looked down, then back at Buck. "But no one will ever fight for my son as hard as you. That is what I want for him." You're who I want for him.
Eddie's words were poignant, emphatic as he turned back to meet Buck's eyes.
Buck licked his lips, nervous and a little unsure. This is a conversation he never thought they'd be having, and he was at a loss. "Well, you said you did this last year. Why are you just telling me now?"
"Because, Evan," A little louder now and with more feeling, which brought Buck's eyes back to his. Good, Eddie really needs Buck to hear what he's saying, to listen and understand his words. "You came in here the other day, and you said you thought it would have been better if it had been you who was shot." That would kill me.
Buck's eyes never left Eddie's face.
"You act like you're expendable." Never, never, never.
Buck glances down – he can't deny that.
They both look away, and Eddie sighs.
"But you're wrong." So wrong…how do I make you believe that?
And his gaze swung back as Buck's returned to meet his.
"All right, Mr. Diaz, are you ready to get out of here?"
And the lousy timing award went to Eddie's nurse.
"Hell, yeah," Eddie answered, standing up.
Buck grabbed their bags and went on to the door. "I'll go bring the Jeep around."
No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you.
You act like you're expendable. But you're wrong.
No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you.
Christopher would be taken care of…by you.
No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you.
You act like you're expendable. But you're wrong.
But you're wrongyou're wrongyou're wrongyou're wrong
It was a drumbeat in Buck's head all the way to the Jeep. Over and over, thumping in time to his heart. Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom By the time he reached the Jeep, he was running and breathless, bent over double, hands on his knees and panting.
You don't deserve this.
You just stood there.
You are expendable. ExpendableExpendableExpendableExpendable
"Fuck," he hissed. He snapped to his full height and scrubbed both hands over his face, over his hair to the back of his neck, looking up at the blue sky. Rain would've been better. It would fit the shitty way his life is going. He jerked the driver's door open and got behind the wheel, struggling for control, struggling to breathe.
"Fuck!" he banged the wheel.
He closed his hands into fists, stared hard at them, and did what he'd been doing for a week now. He took a deep, deep breath and another and another until he got his pounding heart under control. Then shoved everything down to a place inside where it couldn't get out. Down to the place that housed a thousand broken dreams, bitter disappointments, hurts, and lost loves. Down to the fragile wants and needs he's ignoring. He pushed it inside the overflowing closet of things he couldn't look at too closely and locked that door. And turned the deadbolt.
If he didn't have his shit together when he got back to Eddie, he was screwed because Eddie would know the minute he looked at him. And Buck wasn't showing his hand today.
He got back to the patient's pickup and jumped out to help Eddie. Buck wanted desperately to hold onto this connection that had grown during the long days in the hospital, to hold onto Eddie for just a little longer before they returned to everyone else, but instead, he stood inches away in case Eddie needed help as he got into the Jeep. Buck made sure his friend was inside then closed the door, feeling like he was closing it on more than just the Jeep.
A short time later, he pulled up in front of Eddie's house. Again, just at the edge of the passenger door, he waited, hands at the ready…just in case. Slowly, Eddie unbuckled his belt and slid out, standing still for several seconds to get his land legs under him. He raised a brow in Buck's direction as he took in the extra cars parked along the street.
Buck's head dipped, a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "They wanted to be here when you came home."
Eddie grinned as he pushed the front door open.
"WELCOME HOME!"
And there was his family. Bobby, Chim, Hen, Carla, Ana, and the light of his life standing front and center. Eddie took two steps forward and dropped to his knees, wrapping his good arm around Christopher, holding him tightly to his chest.
"Mijo, I'm so glad to see you," he whispered against the brown curls.
"Me, too, dad. I'm glad you're home."
Eddie pulled back and pressed a kiss to his forehead, then touched their heads together, tears misting his eyes after being away from his son for so many days. He laughed and squeezed him again. "You look like you've grown a foot! What's Abuela been feeding you?"
A giggle bubbled out of the little boy. "Tamales."
The group laughed, watching them hug once more. Buck watches from the doorway, taking in the faces of the ones he loves most. For the first time in too long, warmth spreads over him, reaching into the cold, dark places. His heart squeezes until his chest feels too tight, making breathing a struggle. He holds very still, barely keeping it in check, taking in the scene before him, soaking in the faces. Hen's beautiful smile, the laughing twinkle in Chim's eyes, the fondness in Bobby's gaze. And Eddie and Christopher… Bobby extended a hand, and Eddie took it, letting the Captain carefully pull him to his feet. Bobby hugged the uninjured side, murmured something that had Eddie smiling and nodding with a boyish grin as he squeezed the older man's shoulder.
"Athena sends her love." Bobby released him and stepped back.
"Tell her I said thanks and thank you all for coming. This means a lot."
"We aren't going to stay because we know just coming home probably exhausted you, and we need to get to work." Hen gently patted his uninjured side. "But Karen sent food."
Eddie sighed, a hand to his heart. "Thank you! To both of you." He hugged her, her hand briefly touching the side of his face, her smile tender.
"I put some stuff in the freezer for you, too," Bobby put in. "Can't have you recovering solely on takeout food. Call if you need anything."
"I will, Cap. And, thanks, for everything," Eddie said, squeezing Bobby's hand and trying to convey more than words.
Bobby understood and squeezed back.
There was still one person who hadn't greeted him yet. Buck spared her a glance and then moved toward Christopher. He couldn't be here for that exchange, not now when he was barely keeping himself together. In fact, it was time to add one more padlock to that hidden door.
"Come on, Chris! Let's go tell everyone goodbye!" Buck swept Christopher up in his arms and followed the others outside with a big smile.
Carla took the chance to make herself scarce. "I'll wait in the kitchen for you."
The others piled into their cars while Buck and Christopher watched, waving as each one drove away. Christopher rested his head on Buck's shoulder, and Buck looked down at the wild riot of curls. "You okay, buddy?" he asked, smoothing his hand down the small back.
"Yeah. Just glad to see you and my dad."
Buck rested his head against the young boy's, closing his eyes for a moment. Christopher was getting older and wasn't much for being held anymore, so he valued these small windows of time.
No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you.
Christopher would be taken care of…by you.
You become Christopher's legal guardian.
You don't deserve this.
You just stood there.
You are expendable.
The words echoed in the recesses of Buck's head and heart, coming back without his knowledge from the place where he'd locked them away. So, he pushed them down again, more determined than ever to hide them away, banishing them back to the dark.
He moved and sat on the small railing, both arms around Christopher, neither of them talking for a minute. The afternoon sun was warm, the sky a brilliant blue with fat, puffy clouds dancing in the breeze, birds chirping in the distance. Buck sighed profoundly and held Christopher a little tighter. How could it be such an incredible day when everything was going to hell? Why did he keep failing at the times when he really needed to succeed? He wanted a storm that matched the one in his soul. Something to drown out the pain and anger and wash away all the dark thoughts. Not a fuckin' beautiful day when everything seemed right in the world.
In the way that kids often do, Christopher seemed to sense that something was off. He tightened his grip around his neck, brushing his hand against Buck's hair.
"Love you, Buck. Thanks for taking care of my dad."
Buck swallowed hard and pulled back slightly, releasing the small body to cup that perfect, beautiful face in his hands. "I love you, buddy, you know that, right? I couldn't love you more if you were my son," he whispered.
The mega-watt smile came like a brilliant rainbow after the storm. "Bucky, can I tell you something?"
Buck wrapped his arms around him again. "Of course, you can tell me anything, anytime."
Christopher laid his head back on Buck's shoulder, playing with the collar of his shirt. He didn't speak for a long moment, and Buck didn't rush him. "Sometimes…sometimes I wish you were my dad, too."
And those simple words whispered in such a clear, sweet voice dropped the bottom out of Buck's world and hit that closet door like a battering ram. It took every ounce of his mental and physical strength to remain still. To sit there on the railing, holding his best friend's son, and absorb those words. To remember how to breathe when his throat closed over and his brain short-circuited.
Those sweet, simple words made him shake, and his heart stutters to a stop.
He doesn't deserve those words. Christopher would snatch them back as soon as he knew how Buck had failed Eddie when he needed him most.
When he didn't answer, Christopher raised his head. "Are you mad? I'm sorry. Is that something I shouldn't say?"
"Oh, no, you just surprised me. Christopher," his voice cracked, and he paused, struggling for ground. "If I could handpick my son, there would be no one better than you. You are the smartest, bravest, funniest kid I know. Having you in my life has made me better."
There was that smile again, brighter than the brightest star in the sky. Christopher laughed and squeezed his neck again as Buck stood, gently setting him on his feet and waiting until he got his balance before he let go. He opened the front door to let Christopher in.
"Would you tell your dad I'll be back later?"
"Yep."
XXXXXXXXXX
To the other man, standing just inside the front door, the precious exchange on the porch shot straight to his heart and exploded like fireworks in the night sky. So lost in the conversation, they didn't hear him crack the door, so he quickly stepped back and eased it closed. He didn't mean to eavesdrop – he'd only gone to see what was taking them so long.
Stunned, his head fell against the door. For the rest of his days, he would remember the look he just saw on his best friend's face. The one who didn't understand why Eddie changed his will, but if he could see himself the way Eddie just did, he'd never have to question it again. The naked emotion on his face was a revelation after watching Buck struggle to hang on the last few days.
"Everything okay?" Ana asked, coming up behind him in the hall.
"Yeah, great." He straightened and turned, trying to put a happy smile on his face. "They'll be back in a minute. I really appreciate your offer to stay, but Buck will be here with us for the next few days," Eddie stated, noting her disappointment even as she tried to hide it.
"Are you sure? I can take care of you. Doesn't Buck have to work?"
"We've got it worked out." Eddie took a deep breath. "Ana…"
"You know, I never understood why he wouldn't let me stay with you in the hospital."
"What do you mean?"
"He let me visit you for a few minutes, but then he basically kicked me out. I have to say that it didn't seem his place…"
"Stop right there."
Her mouth snapped shut, and she frowned. Good, he got her attention.
"I've put up with your little comments before about why he spends so much time with us, why he's here as much as he's at his own home, but that is none of your business, Ana. Buck is none of your business, and his place with Christopher and I is non-negotiable."
"Eddie!"
He shrugged, rubbing his good hand over the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, Ana, I am. Christopher loves you, and I guess I thought…"
Ana nodded, gathering her purse. "You thought you would, too. I could tell you were pulling away," she smiled wistfully. "I hoped I was wrong."
"I'm sorry, but it isn't fair to any of us to keep going," he answered.
"I wish you the best, Eddie."
As she turned to leave, the door opened, and Christopher came in.
"Where's Buck?" Eddie asked.
"He said to tell you he'd be back later."
Eddie's brows drew together. "Did he say where he was going?"
"Nope."
Behind the boy, Ana gave Eddie one last look and let herself out the front door just as Carla came from the kitchen.
"That was pretty anti-climactic for two people dating."
Eddie glanced over as Carla came out of the kitchen. "What does that say about the dating?" he muttered, shaking his head.
"Ana is a lovely woman."
"But?" Eddie asked because he could sure hear it coming.
Carla grinned. "I'm glad you're following your heart."
Eddie flashed her a blinding smile. "Me, too."