Buck didn't remember anything after leaving Eddie's house, but somehow, he ended up in front of the station. He sat for a few minutes, hands gripping the wheel, wondering if he should go in or go back to Eddie's. Or just go home. Eddie didn't need him right now, and Buck did what he promised – he got him home safely to Christopher.
Now he just felt so…numb. Like he could just fade away into nothing. He dropped his head to his arm, feeling so incredibly overwhelmed. Maybe he'd gotten too good at locking away the hurtful things. Idly, he noticed a loose thread at the edge of his shirt sleeve. He reached down with his other hand and pulled to see if it would come off but instead, it pulled a couple of stitches out.
An image sprang to mind of strings sticking out from him. Fear, anger, love, Eddie. What would happen if he pulled on those strings?
He would slowly come apart at the seams.
And maybe when it was over, there wouldn't be enough to stitch him back together.
Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.
Slowly, he opened the door and slid out, standing for a minute to let the blood flow in his limbs. His body was trying to let him down, humming with a nuanced song of pain that spoke of too many hours sitting, too little to eat, and practically no sleep. It reminded him of a symphony with the brilliant arrangement of horns, drums, percussion, and singing, working together to break him with a beautiful masterpiece of sound.
Buck stood there a moment longer, taking in the beautiful afternoon. He wanted to just stop the rotation of the world and get off, but in the grand scheme of things, he was a tiny blip, and no matter how he felt or what he was struggling with, there was no slowing down time. No matter how much he wished he could go back to that day and change the outcome, he couldn't. But here he is stuck from moving forward, unable to change this outcome, either. No matter how many times he tells himself he did everything he could, knowing it and making himself believe it is two different things. Now he's stuck and he doesn't know how to deal with the closet full of messy, ugly things.
When he walked into the station it was quiet, but all the rigs were there, so they were probably getting ready to eat.
He headed for the stairs and his long legs took him up one at a time.
One step, then the next.
He stepped onto the landing and saw Bobby, Hen, and Chim. Hen and Chim were on the couch, and Bobby was cooking.
"Buck!" Hen called. "What are you doing here? I thought you were staying to help Eddie?"
One step, then the next.
The howling started in his head.
"Buck?" Bobby called, moving what he was cooking from the stove and wiping his hands on a towel. He started toward the younger man.
One step, then the next.
The eerie wail of the words he shoved into the closet of fragile needs and wants.
"Buck, what is going on?" Bobby demanded.
Hen and Chim took a few steps toward him, meeting up with Bobby until all three faced Buck, their concern evident. What did they see in his face? Did they see the same coward he did? The one who didn't act when he should have? The one who froze the one time it really mattered? Who couldn't raise a hand to pull Eddie to safety?
You just stood there and let Eddie fall.
You just stood there and watched him bleed out.
One step, then the next. He was almost there now.
And then that blast Bobby talked about in the hospital hit.
With the same force as the tsunami that nearly swept them away at the pier.
With the same toppling action of the earthquake.
One step, then the next.
He was trying to hold it all in. Trying so hard… Trying to force it back to the deep closet where he thought it was locked up, but he felt the wood splintering under the force of the emotions trying to escape. The same battering ram that hit when Christopher made his quiet confession swung again, hitting the locks, widening the cracks.
A raw, primal cry got past his choked throat without his permission, loud in the stillness of the room and then the world was tipping out from under his feet. Buck stumbled to a halt, his eyes locked on theirs…and then he was falling.
He went down like a felled tree, the momentum enough to carry them all to their knees, Bobby in the middle, Hen and Chim on each side. Buck bent over double, his head against Bobby's chest, arms wrapped around himself as if he could hold it all in or keep the seams from unraveling.
Bobby got his arms under Buck's and pulled him up, holding him tightly. Hen and Chim also grabbed hold, and all three held onto Buck for dear life.
Hen glanced at Chim over Buck's head, seeing his moist eyes, and knowing it mirrored her own. There were tears in Bobby's eyes, too, as he tightened his grip, feeling Buck's hands clenching fistfuls of his shirt, digging into his back.
Despite the way the young man wore his emotions for everyone to see, this outpouring was something they'd never seen. Every single moment of the past week, every ignored feeling, every emotion, every fear, spilled out now. Everything he'd refused to talk about whenever they tried in the hospital was now impossibly heavy and had no place else to go but out. Whatever he'd been keeping in the cage in the days after Eddie's shooting was on the loose.
Buck felt their arms, the strength of his family, of the people who meant the most to him. This is the lifeline he desperately needs and he catches it, clutching with both hands, afraid if he lets up for even a second, the wave will wash him away, and he'll never find his way back.
"Hang on, Eddie. We're close, so close. I need you to hang on."
"Are you hurt?"
No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you.
Christopher would be taken care of…by you.
You become Christopher's legal guardian.
Sometimes…sometimes I wish you were my dad, too.
The words rang in his head again.
From the back of the fire truck, the hospital room, the front porch.
The words echoed louder and louder, circling like water going down the drain.
Harsh cries racked his body, tears, and snot running down his face. His nose stopped up, and he gasped for air around the sobs, stomach clenching, sides aching. He squeezed Bobby tighter.
"Hang on, Eddie. We're so close, so close. I need you to hang on."
"Are you hurt?"
No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you.
Christopher would be taken care of…by you.
You become Christopher's legal guardian.
Sometimes…sometimes I wish you were my dad, too.
You just stood there and let Eddie fall.
You just stood there and watched him bleed out.
You just stood there. Stoodtherestoodtherestoodtherestoodthere.
The words pounded violently in his head, pounding, pounding, pounding, crushing him under the weight. Buck's harsh cries against Bobby's neck are heartbreaking and gut the other three, who can only listen as the grief pours out.
He bangs his fists against Bobby's back and Bobby holds Buck as tight as he can. The ragged sobs ripped his heart open, and he'd give anything to take the pain away and give Buck peace. This was what he'd dreaded, but at the same time, he's glad it's happening here, with them, and not while Buck was alone. This storm had been swirling, the ugly green sky of a tornado before it touches down. The blinding whiteout of a blizzard obscuring everything in its path. There is no escaping it, no slowing it down. But despite knowing this is needed, he feels Buck's hurts as if they are his own. Hearing Buck in so much pain is almost more than Bobby can take.
XXXXXXXXXX
"911. Buck at station."
The emergency text from Hen freaked Eddie out, sending alarm racing through his system. "Carla!"
She comes running from the kitchen at the panic in his voice. "What's the matter? Are you in pain?"
"I have to get to the station right now."
She must see something in his eyes because she reaches for her purse. "Let's go."
"You can drop me off and bring Christopher home. I'll get a ride back."
"What's wrong?" Christopher asked, holding tightly to Eddie and Carla as they hurried him to the car.
A litany of prayers starts running through his mind and the only thing giving him a slight iota of peace is knowing Buck is there with them. "Buck needs us."
XXXXXXXXXX
Bobby's arms kept him from totally unraveling when the strings started to pull. The feel of Hen's head on his back, and Chim's firm grip.
"I…I-I stood…there. I…stood…there."
"What?" Bobby asked, rubbing Buck's head.
The sobs kept coming. Bobby felt and heard him gasping for air, felt the rampant beat of Buck's heart against his own. Deep shudders wracked the younger man, his arms gripping Bobby so hard it was painful. Buck was having such a hard time breathing Bobby was worried he might pass out. The first thing he needed to do was get him calmed down.
More words were torn from his raw, aching throat. "Right…in…front. Did…did…nothing. Let him…fall. Coward…just froze. Watched…bleed."
It was garbled, but the man who just stepped off the stairs heard it and knew exactly what it meant.
Bobby saw Eddie first, and Eddie could tell from the Captain's face that what they talked about in the hospital was happening. The load Buck was trying to carry alone had gotten too heavy and was now crushing him. Bobby tried to ease back from Buck, but the younger man held on tight. Eddie hurried to the small group and carefully knelt behind Bobby so he could see Buck's face.
There are a few events in Eddie's life that will stay with him for all his days – like the birth of his son. But the sight of Buck on his knees in Bobby's arms, falling into a million tiny pieces, would be tattooed on his heart.
"Buck," he whispered, reaching out a trembling hand to Buck's head.
The one word - or maybe it was Eddie's voice - got through, and Buck's wet, swollen eyes met his. "E..Eddie," he choked out.
Once Eddie got his attention, the other three shifted away enough for Eddie to take over. Bobby gently untangled himself from Buck and scooted back. Without his support, Buck fell forward on his knees to the floor, head in his arms. He lifted slightly and slammed both his fists against the carpet.
"Buck." Eddie carefully laid his hand on Buck's head. "Let me help you."
Buck slowly pushed himself up, sitting back on his heels, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. Eddie scooted closer, sliding one hand around the back of Buck's neck. That was all it took for Buck to fall into him, Eddie's good arm around Buck's neck, his other around his waist. Buck did the same, clinging to Eddie. It was the last blow from the battering ram and the closet door broke into tiny pieces and fell away, letting the dark, ugly things out into the wild.
"I'm here," Eddie murmured, stroking the back of Buck's head. He was aware of the other three moving away, giving them some space. "Listen to my voice," he whispered.
Bobby grabbed a handful of tissues and eased them into one of Buck's hands. Now that he was on the other side, he could see the utter devastation in the kid's face, and it broke his heart.
"Listen to my voice…" Eddie whispered again, turning his mouth closer to Buck's ear, keeping it low and soft. "Listen to my voice…I love you, Buck, and I've got you. You're going to be okay." I'm here, you're not alone.
Buck buried his face in the warm curve where Eddie's neck and shoulder met, smelling the familiar scent of laundry detergent and something that was uniquely Eddie. He shook his head slightly, trying to marshal every not of strength he had to get his control back in place.
Eddie could feel the tense lines in Buck's back. He was struggling so hard inside that it reached itself out and dove right into Eddie's heart. "Don't fight me," he whispered, his breath brushing the shell of Buck's ear. "You don't need to be strong anymore. Just be here with me, I've got you." The fight went out of Buck at those words, and he sagged deeper into Eddie, who was more than willing to hold him up.
The other three people in the room exchanged looks, feeling as if they were witnessing something sacred. Chim squeezed Hen's hand as he wiped his own eyes. "It's a good thing you texted him," he whispered for her ears only.
Hen squeezed his hand back and wiped her own eyes, nodding in response.
Another few minutes passed before Buck was finally able to lift his head far enough to see Eddie's moist eyes. "How…how…why are you here?" His blue eyes were red and still swimming with tears.
"I knew you needed me," Eddie says tenderly. "And Hen texted me." He glanced at the woman.
Buck glanced over at Hen. "Sorry, not sorry. I knew he'd want to be here." Her overbright eyes were soft.
Buck shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. For making such a scene." But I'm so damn glad you're here.
Eddie raised a brow, his arms tightening on Buck. "Are you seriously saying you're sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for."
"Feels like I do," Buck muttered.
Eddie glanced up at the ceiling. "Madre de dios," he muttered under breath. "How about we get up from here and go sit on the couch?"
Bobby hurried forward and extended a hand to Eddie, helping him stand, and then opened a hand to Buck. They took a seat on the couch, followed by Hen on Buck's other side and Bobby and Chim on the coffee table. Buck wiped his nose with the tissues he still held, and Bobby leaned over to hand him the box. He stared down at his hands, floundering with embarrassment.
"I know that look." Bobby broke the silence.
Buck chanced a glance up at his face and found only love in his bright eyes.
"I'm glad you came here. You promised me you would when the time came."
Buck hung his head. "I-I don't even remember…driving here…" His voice was still thick with tears.
"You came here because this is safety. This is where we can catch you and support you, Buck. We love you and we want to help. Did you forget that we're a family? I'm so sorry you felt this was a burden you had to carry alone." Bobby covered Buck's twisting hands.
Buck nodded, knowing the truth in the words. This was why he'd come here without realizing it to the ones who could gather up all the threads and sew them back together.
The alarms sounded. Hen kissed Buck's cheek, and Chim clasped his shoulder as they rose and headed for the pole. Bobby leaned over and clasped Buck's hand. "You did the right thing. Call me later and let me know you're okay."
Buck squeezed his hand back, and the man moved away, down the fire pole, leaving them alone. Silence ensued and Buck couldn't bring himself to look at Eddie, so he stared at the coffee table. "She shouldn't have bothered you. You have plenty to worry about besides…"
"Buck, stop."
Something in the tone made Buck look at him. "Fuck, Eddie," he swore, rearing back and lunging to his feet. "You just got out of the hospital! You don't need to be trying to clean up after me. Don't look at me like that! I'm just acting like an idiot. Once I get some sleep, I'll be fine." Buck viciously rubbed his hands over his face, erasing the rest of the tears and the weakness, putting the mask back in place.
Eddie remained where he was, eyes glued to Buck, weighing his options. One step forward, ten steps back. He had to get this right, and if he didn't, he was deathly afraid he might lose Buck to the darkness trying to swallow him up. He carefully got to his feet and joined Buck near the island.
"Every time I look at you, I see you standing in front of me with blood splattered on your face."
Buck jerked in reaction – inhaled sharply and turned away. Eddie caught his hand and tugged. Buck tugged back, trying to step away, but Eddie wouldn't let him this time and since he didn't have the strength to stop him, he outmaneuvered him, slipping under the arm he held and around to Buck's front. Buck took a step back, but Eddie held tight, more determined than ever.
"You've never run from me before."
"I'm not running from you now. I'm embarrassed and pissed at myself for causing a scene. For Christ's sake, you just got out of the hospital," he repeated. "You don't need to be here dealing with my shit." The anger was choking him.
There is only one way Eddie is going to get through to him. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me." That got the reaction he wanted.
Buck froze in place, and those shimmering blue eyes snapped up. "That's the one fuckin' thing you'll never hear me say, and you know it."
For a second, Eddie marveled at how easy that confession rolled off Buck's tongue. Except it really isn't a confession at all because Eddie already knows. Even if he hadn't already started picking up the clues, the days in the hospital cemented it.
"I know." His voice is calm, the words coming to him now. "Now let me tell you what else I know. Every time I look at you, I see you standing in front of me with blood splattered on your face. I see a man frozen in fear watching everything he loves slip away."
His words pierced Buck's heart, reminding him of his failure. He squeezed his eyes shut, holding up the hand Eddie wasn't holding as if to ward off the words and the pain coming with them. "That's not..."
Eddie kept going, cutting him off, and the next words were strangled and hard for him to get out around the tears caught in his throat. "That man was me."
Buck's eyes flew open, and his heart stuttered with a hard thump, then tried to launch itself out of his chest. Roaring filled his ears. "Eds..what…"
"That's what I saw reflected in your eyes – my face. I was leaving you, and everything I loved was slipping away. I saw the same look on your face, in your eyes."
"I should have reached for you." The words were barely audible, but they might as well have been a yell to Eddie. Then they were. "I should have reached for you! I should have done something! I stood there and let you…"
Eddie stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Buck as hard as he could manage, pressing against him. Buck's arms automatically closed around Eddie's shoulders, letting the other man hold him up as he stood there shaking and panting. He shook his head where it rested along Buck's neck.
"No, Buck," he whispered against his neck. "You didn't stand there and let anything happen." He pulled back and brought his good hand up to curve around Buck's jaw, feeling the rapid pulse beat under his thumb. "You don't get to take the blame for that. Shock did that to you, not being a coward."
Buck's hands gripped the back of Eddie's shirt, pulling it tight. "But I'm supposed to have your back! Since we first became partners, I've protected you. And I let you down this time." His desperation wraps around Eddie.
Eddie moved his hand a little higher and touched Buck's cheek. "You did have my back," Eddie whispered, calm and sure. "No matter what you think happened in those first few seconds, it was you who saved me. If you hadn't acted when you did, I would have bled to death. You risked your life to come after me. That's why I'm standing here now. Sometimes we really are our own worst enemies and you're blinding yourself to the truth.
You're so focused on the one and only time you weren't the first to jump into action that you're missing the rest. Buck, you crawled under a fire truck and pulled a dead weight one-handed. You pulled me to safety. You picked me up and shoved me into the truck. You laid on me trying to stop the bleeding. You saved my life."
Buck swallowed hard; his eyes locked on Eddie's. For once, the words were getting through. "I did it because I had to, even if it meant getting shot. You were reaching for me, Eddie, do you remember that? You reached for me twice and no matter what, I wasn't leaving you there. I could not make myself leave you." The words rolled out in earnest, each one punctuated, his voice sure and steady despite the desperate grip he had on Eddie.
The quiet was deafening. Time ticked by as they stared at each other. Buck moved first, sliding his big hands up either side of Eddie's neck, thumbs brushing the sharp edges of his jaw.
But it was Eddie who spoke. "I would have done exactly the same thing, even if it meant getting shot, because I am so deeply in love with you, and it took staring into your blood-smeared, terrified eyes to finally realize it." His voice was like gravel. For a man of few words, he knew when to make them count.
Reverently, Buck cupped the side of Eddie's face. There was a fine tremor in his big hand as he touched his bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. It was Eddie's turn to tremble then. His grip tightened on Buck's neck. Buck leaned forward until only an inch separated their mouths, then tipped his head forward that last little bit but didn't kiss him.
"You already know I love you."
Eddie's lashes drifted downward when he felt the first brush of Buck's mouth against his jaw, caressing his skin with his lips. He felt the brush of Buck's lashes as he closed his eyes. The tiny rasp of stubble on his jaw sensitized Eddie's nerves. Buck traced a path to the corner of Eddie's eye. Then his warm breath brushed his ear, and a shiver coursed through him.
"I thought you did… I hoped but I knew for sure in the back of the fire truck and then in the hospital." Eddie turned his head slightly, brushing his nose against Buck's jaw.
They moved together, covering each other's faces with tiny caresses that were as light as air. Buck slid his hands around to the back of Eddie's head, gliding over the silky hair at his nape, before pressing his lips to his throat, feeling the rapid beat of his pulse. Buck raised his head and met Eddie's tender gaze. "I knew you loved me when you gave me Christopher."
Then Buck's lips settled over Eddie's, drawing him in tightly, one hand at Eddie's waist, the other behind his head. Days, months…minutes…seconds of waiting. It was all worth it in that one precious moment.
Eddie held Buck as tight as he could, reveling in the feel and taste of him. Buck's lips were warm, and he kissed Eddie like it was the very last thing he'd ever do. Eddie kissed him back the same way, feeling their tongues slide together. He explored the inner recesses of Buck's mouth, feeling the edge of his teeth. The sound of their breathing intensified, and the need to draw a breath intervened.
They broke the kiss so, so slowly, foreheads pressed together, sharing the same pocket of air. Buck reached up to grasp Eddie's hand where it was still on his neck and drew it down to his chest, holding them both against the pounding of his heart.
Buck kissed the tip of Eddie's nose. "All this time…I thought…you might feel the same, but I was afraid to ask."
"Same for me, but some words, once said, can't be taken back or forgotten no matter how hard you try. I couldn't get past my fear of losing our friendship."
Buck squeezed him gently. "Never gonna happen."
"Good." Eddie's eyes grew serious. "Can you do something for me?"
"Anything."
"Please drive me home because I'm barely hanging on here."
Buck went into action so fast it made Eddie dizzy. "Well, shit, why didn't you say something sooner? When was the last time you took your medicine? You're supposed to be in bed, not here trying to straighten me out. Let's go."
All Eddie could do was laugh, his eyes loving. Buck guided him down the stairs like he couldn't walk by himself, and Eddie let him do it, content to let him take over. Taking care of others, taking care of Eddie, is what he does best.