This is totally random and abusrd. It's a tribute to the drama class.

I should introduce the characters used in this sketch as follows:

Godfrey "Chet" Derwood: Owner of the Ye Olde English Cafe

Osiris: Psychic of the streets

Oscar: UPS Deliveryman

Emmy: Assistant UPS Deliverywoman

Carli:The waitress

Juniper Dawson: Personal Assistant to Chuck Dick John

GiGi Valentine:Part of the CDJ Show, love advisor

Dr. Hilary Meriwhether, Ph.D., DDS, MBA: New Age therapist

Jane "Jones":Orphan who thinks she's Hamlet

Charles Richard Jonathan: TV show Host

That's about everyone! I don't own any of them!

"Reminds me of the time me and Billie were surveying the lost territory of the Umbakapowski squirrels. All of a sudden, the tree we were sitting in exploded! Screaming girlishly, we grabbed at each other and were about to fling ourselves from the exploding tree when I--" Chet stopped as Osiris slapped him a cross the face.

"P-Package for Mr. Godfrey Derwood," Oscar stammered. He held a box wrapped in brown paper. Emmy reached for the package furtively. Oscar continued, "E-Emmy, get the rest of the frozen- er, melted- asparagus from the truck."

"Noshtinka," Emmy murmured as she disappeared out back.

Chet exclaimed angrily, "What! I cancelled my order three weeks ago! I do not have any need for melted asparagus!" Chet grabbed the butcher knife and raised all hell in the "Ye Olde English Café".

Carli, the waitress, came into the kitchen singing a song, "I'm gonna be a celebrity, that means somebody ev'ryone knows!" She stopped and gasped. "What is going on in here?" Carli exclaimed.

"Can I get some service?" a new voice asked.

Chet dropped the butcher knife and ran out to greet the customer. "Welcome to the Ye Olde English Café," he said politely, losing his Southern drawl. "What can I get for you?"

"A table for one, please," Lirit answered.

Chet reached over and pulled a table right in front of Lirit. Lirit was a bit surprised, and exclaimed, "Good service!"

Chet smoothed out the wrinkles in his shirt, "What can I get for you?" he asked again.

Lirit looked over the menu, "I'll have the macaroni and cheese."

Chet's eyes bulged, "Macaroni and cheese?" he asked, Southern drawl coming back.

Lirit was intimidated by this strange man. "And a tea?"

"Reminds me of the time Billie was calling for tea. He was delusional, we had been trapped in a foxhole for eighteen weeks without food or water. I gave him my left shoe to eat, but that was alright because it was hotter than my cousin Violet. Billie wanted tea, and he was feverish. I had to pour dirt down his pants to make him shut up! All of a sudden, Billie was trying to take off his vest! No, Billie, no! Keep it on, for Christ's sake!" Chet screamed, wrestling an imaginary Billie to the ground.

Lirit peered over the edge of her table, "Do you need help?" she asked.

Chet snapped out of it, "Yeah, I do. I'm sorry you had to see that," he said, getting up off the floor.

A lady called out from another table, "We're from the Chuck Dick John Show! We can help you!"

"Chuck Dick John!" Chet exclaimed. "I love that guy. He was in Tiger Strike Three!" Chet proceeded to perform a bunch of ninja moves from Tiger Strike Three. "Tiger claw! Squatting Lamb! The Gator! My favorite."

Lirit frowned, "The Chuck Dick John Show is for freaks."

The lady from the Chuck Dick John show replied, "Yes, it is! Do you know any freaks that we can get on the show?"

Lirit grinned, "Well, he's a bit indisposed right now."

"How so?"

"He has mono." Lirit wondered how long her macaroni and cheese was going to take.

"Well, I hope he gets better soon!" The lady said.

Chet was having another flashback, "…He looked like Bob Newheart with a bad nose job. And he said, 'Boy, you better put that away before someone gets pregnant.' Billie was mighty ashamed at that, let me tell ya…"

Carli came out of the kitchen with a raspberry pie in the key of D. "Now where did Osiris run off to?" she wondered aloud in her singsongy voice. "He ordered this pie especially!"

"Excuse me!" Lirit hailed the waitress. "Can I get some macaroni and cheese please? And a tea?"

"I know a song about tea!" Carli exclaimed. "I'm a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle and here is my-"

"Carli, don't you start that!" Chet yelled at her, raising his fist.

Carli gasped and fled into the kitchen.

Chet followed her in, yelling, "Emmy! Get that melted asparagus out of that sink right now! I am not going to pay for that!"

Lirit wondered if she should have stayed home for lunch.

The lady from the Chuck Dick John Show left with her companion. Lirit was now all alone, with no food. Chet and Carli finally emerged from the kitchen, neither of them carrying her food. Instead, they were carrying cleaning items and began cleaning the restaurant. "The Chuck Dick John Show is going to be filmed here!" Carli was exclaiming. "I'm going to sing!"

Chet was busying polishing the silverware. Lirit asked him about her macaroni and cheese. "Oh, you're still here?" was all he said to her.

Lirit was a bit frustrated with the service, and was about to get up and leave when a film crew walked in the door, followed by half a dozen orphans, the two ladies from the Chuck Dick John Show Lirit had seen earlier, GiGi Valentine and Dr. Hilary Meriwhether, Ph.D., DDS, MBA, and Chuck Dick John himself. One of the orphans was a thirty year old woman in a green sweater and a unibrow. She ran to Chet and exclaimed, "Ophelia! You're still alive!"

Chet dropped the spoon he was cleaning, "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"

"So, um, Ophelia, you're not going to kill yourself or anything?" the woman who thought she was Hamlet said.

"Will you marry me?" Chet asked timidly.

"Yes!" Hamlet exclaimed, throwing herself on Chet.

Chet was ecstatic, "I've never been hugged by a girl before!"

GiGi Valentine was there, taking notes for her new book, "GiGi Valentine's Book of Love II".

Chuck Dick John was talking to his assistants, "So these orphans are the freaks for the show?" he asked.

Hamlet heard his voice and removed herself from Chet. Stealthily approaching Chuck Dick John, she said, "So we meet again, Claudius."

CDJ was taken aback, "What?"

"So you think you can just kill my father, sleep with my mother, and take over the throne?"

"Do you want to get this on film?" CDJ asked a cameraman.

"I'm going to kill you, Claudius!" Hamlet screamed, but Chet and GiGi Valentine held her back.

Carli burst into song, "There's no business like show business, like no business I know!"

Chet had another flashback, "…It looked like a Lego house made by Michael Jackson! I remember Billie muttering 'this is creepy' the whole time…."

Oscar and Emmy were busy unloading all of the melted asparagus.

Dr. Hilary Meriwhether, Ph.D., DDS, MBA was holding an interpretive dance seminar for the orphans.

Lirit decided that it was time to go.