Journal Entry #2
Today's session was not what I would describe as
"fruitful." It has always been my understanding that
psychiatrists are supposed to let the patients do the talking, not
the other way around. But apparently Dr. Mitwanga just loves the
sound of her own nasally voice. A few words into my answers of her
questions she would interrupt and go on to recite a lengthy
explanation of what my answer could mean, or how maybe it has to do
with relationship problems with my mother, or that perhaps it is an
insight from the force. At the end of these spiels, she would ask
another question, hence repeating the process all over again.
In a
vain attempt to actually heal my psyche, I am going to answer a few
of her more sensible questions in here, with the hope that I might
come to some conclusions.
Question one: Tell me about your relationship with your parents.
I never actually knew that
psychiatrists really asked this question, but here it goes. It is
hard to categorize my relationship with my parents as one thing,
seeing as it differs greatly depending on the parent in question. My
father-daughter relationship is probably the best to start
with.
Although many people call me "Daddy's Girl," I don't
think they realize exactly how much of a block there is between us.
Sure, I take after him in many ways, but that doesn't mean we're
very emotionally connected. Even when I want to tell him things,
confide in him, I find that I can't. It isn't that I distrust him
or don't love him, I simply realize that most of the things I go
through he couldn't possibly understand.
Jag for instance. How
could I ever talk to him about how I was unsure about the level of
commitment I wanted to give to that relationship, or how I was afraid
that I would have to choose between Jag and my family? See, there are
just some things I could never tell my father. And that is why there
is such a gap. We are both unwilling to fill it, both too afraid of
what we might find. We are both afraid that we might let the other
person down. And that, in essence, sums up the relationship I share
with my father.
My mother now, she is a completely different
story. Our fights are notoriously over exaggerated. Sure, we have our
quips, and they might happen more often then some peoples, but we
still love and respect each other. Even though there are some issues
we disagree on, she has always been my advocate concerning men.
I
think one of the main reasons Jag isn't dead or castrated is the
fact that my mom held back Dad. And whenever there are breakups or
fights, she's always there to wipe away my tears.
Maybe she's
a little disappointed that I don't take after her except in the
looks department, but she never shows it. The only time she ever acts
disappointed is when she's justified, when I do something stupid.
Take the whole Killiks ruckus for example. The way I treated everyone
was horrible, and I'm glad my mother called me out on it.
Basically
Mom and I have a weird relationship, but not one that's utterly
terrible. Not one as bad as everyone thinks.
-Jaina Solo out.