Journal Entry #3

Surprisingly, today's session wasn't a complete bore. First off I'd like to say that I was generally surprised, because Dr. Mitwanga hasn't asked me the question that almost every stranger or admirer I come across asks: What's it like to be the daughter of the galaxy's heroes, the granddaughter of the feared Darth Vader and the niece of a Jedi Master? In fact, what's it like having almost every single person you know be famous? So even though she hasn't asked this question, I'm going to give a short answer anyway.

Imagine if every person you knew and loved was adored by the entire galaxy. Would that change how you feel about them? Would you love them any more or any less? Cause really, in the long run, all these heroes are just people, and they have the same qualities to hate and love as everyone does. So what's it like when your entire family is famous? They're still your family. It's just a little odd when the Holonet makes movies out of your life as well as the lives of your family and friends.

The second reason today's session wasn't a complete waste, besides the fact I actually got to speak a few sentences, is because we discussed my brothers. For the first time in my life it felt like someone understood how I felt. And having Dr. Mitwanga tell me that these feelings were normal made ime/i feel a lot less crazy, so here's the first question.

Question two: Describe your present relationship with your twin brother.

The only way I can answer that question is by looking back. What makes me the saddest, what makes me wonder what has happened to my brother, is when I look back and see how happy he was, and how close we were to each other. But now… what is he? I mean really, what has he become? He scares me so much sometimes, how easily he can lie or how he does just… plain ol' bad things, all in the name of "the will of the Force."

Who is he to know what the Force wants? What makes him so kriffing special? It always seems as if he and Anakin are the "all powerful" ones, the great Jedi. Who's to say I can't hear the "will of the Force" just as well as he can? Okay, sure, the Killiks incident wasn't the best judgment of… well, my judgment, but can't a girl make a few mistakes? I don't know, it just seems as if my brothers always get the recognition.

Besides, it's not only that, Jacen is just so… so powerful. And not only does he have the power, but he uses it. It's incredibly scary, and I really do worry for his and our safety. On that happy thought, let's look at the next question.

Question three: And what about your deceased brother, Anakin?

Anakin… what do I feel about him anymore? It's not to say that I don't miss him; nor is it that I don't still mourn his death. But… it's such an old wound. It really only bothers me every once and while. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not dwelling on him anymore, but then I figure that's not what he would want. But the feelings that I'm really ashamed of are the feelings of jealousy.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as if Anakin wasn't a great Jedi and a great person. But does he really deserve all of the recognition he gets? Was he really that wonderful and I just can't remember? I'm not sure anymore. I find it hard to untangle the adorations of other people from my own memories. I remember him as a person, with his mistakes and with his adorable moments. But most of all I remember him as my little brother who always wanted to do what I was doing.

How can a little brother, who had general qualities that were similar to mine, as well as who tried to be like me, be looked up to more then me? I have resolved myself to the fact that dying immortalizes a person, even if they don't deserve as much recognition as they get. And even though it kills me to be jealous, I have come to realize that this is how a lot of people with dead siblings feel, or so says Dr. Mitwanga. So I suppose I won't beat myself up about it anymore.

-Jaina Solo out