Journal Entry #4
You know, it always boils down to this, with Dr. Mitwanga, with the Holonet, heck, even with my own family. It always comes to the love interests in my life. What, am I not capable of having anything else interesting in my life because I'm a female? Sure, the relationships I have affect me, but they don't control me. Nonetheless, that is what good ole Doc brought up today. Actually, she was sort of cute in an old lady sort of way. Here's what she asked me, word for word:
"Now Jaina, I don't want you to think that I'm just snooping because of what I've heard on the Holonet, I really do want to know for the sake of your mental state. What is the whole Zekk craze about? And those rumors about that Kyp Durron fellow and you during the war? Or that fine Jagged boy with the tight little butt, what happened with that relationship?" And it just got worse from there. Understandably I was a little stunned, I mean, who knew my ipsychiatrist/i would think that Jag has a great butt? He does of course, but that just isn't the point.
When it finally came time to answer her questions, I really did try. Honest. I didn't start yelling about how that's all the universe ever cares about until, oh, about three minutes into my answer. But after I did start groaning and moaning about that, Dr. Mitwanga offered me some rare insightful words.
"Jaina dear, it's not as if people don't admire all of the other qualities you have. For heaven's sake, there must be at least three movies made about you and flying for Rogue Squadron, and more then ten about Twin Suns. And then there's the whole Jedi obsession. One of my neighbors, a little girl, built a pretend purple lightsaber a few years ago saying she wanted to be a Jedi just like you. But Honey, what people are going to be most interested in, as gossipy as we are, is how you've managed to have three famous hunks mooning over you for years and yet still be single. You're still an independent woman, and it's amazing. We just want to know if you're like us at all, if you ever get lonely and yearn to be loved. That's really the root of it; we want to know if Jaina Solo is ireal./i"
I sat stunned for a minute or two. Never have I heard anything that explained so much in so little time. I have always wondered about people's obsessions with my love life, and it finally made some sense. And right then and there in front of grey-haired, thin-lipped Dr. Mitwanga, I broke down. I told her that of course I got lonely, and that I of course wanted to be loved and appreciated sometimes. I told her how I got so confused with Zekk and Jag, not to mention Kyp in the background of it all. It was so baffling, and it always has been.
Kyp…well, he's Kyp. I had a little teeny tiny crush on him for like, a day, and all of a sudden he starts eyeing me funny. Which is really creepy if you think about it, because he knew me when I was in diapers! And I had a crush on him. But then he started giving me the look, the guy look, and that's when I got seriously weirded out. But we've gotten over all of that now, he's more of a… a mentor now. Seriously. Nothing romantic. At all.
And Zekk… I've never really loved Zekk. I had a crush on him as a girl, but it was a silly infatuation. But after you've realized this and come to terms with it, it is so hard to have him come and pour out all this affection onto you. I didn't want it. I've never wanted it. Okay, so I used to want it, but for the past 15 years I haven't. And he just keeps pouring it on. Come on now, leave me alone already! And then I got mind-melded to him for awhile, and that was just a mess. But there were a lot of factors then, and I was so heavily influenced by the Killiks. I regret so much with him.
But the man I regret the most with, the man I probably should have married… was Mr. Jagged Fel. Never again have I felt like I did when I was with him. I can't believe I gave him up, and now I probably ruined any possibility of getting back together after I told him I still loved him and then tried to shoot him down. Not to mention he most likely thinks I've got my face melded to Zekks along with my mind, as most of the galaxy does. If he's alive even. We never did find out for sure. But I always assumed that I would have felt if he had died, we were so close… but maybe I didn't. I've been so confused lately, and it was in the middle of the Killiks confusion... maybe I can't feel him anymore. No, of course not, I would have felt it if he'd died. Right?
-Jaina Solo out.