A welcomed distraction came a week later when we walked into Defense Against The Dark Arts. This year we had been lucky enough to get a fairly-qualified professor who had even been an Auror for the French Ministry at one point, although Professor Agent had already announced she would be leaving at the end of the year for another position. I had really been hoping this one would keep the job for more than a year, but that never seemed to be the case.
James and the other fifth years had already filled us in on the lecture since apparently everyone above second year was to experience the same one. We were to face a boggart. Remus had been especially excited since he always took particular interest in dark creatures. So, we had spent the better part of the week hearing about it, but I still didn't feel anymore prepared to face my biggest fear.
This caused me to feel frustrated as we walked into class. I had been obsessing over it all week and still didn't have a clue what would appear in front of me. Every one of my friends had been speculating what they figured the boggart would transform into when they faced it and how they would react. Max had figured it would have something to do with losing at quidditch, while Fern was confident she would be faced with a snake. Elodie was unsure how the boggart would represent drowning, but she had been afraid of that ever since her mother told her she would if she ever got too close to the pond. Blythe on the other hand had been unsure of what hers would be but was confident she could face it no problem. This had been immediately refuted by Sirius however who wouldn't believe Blythe could walk away unscathed. This had left Wendall to surmise that his would be a swarm of bats, apparently that was how you got bitten from a vampire, and Zelene who believed hers would be a clown. This left me, and I had absolutely no idea what I would be facing, and that's what scared me. After hearing the experience from James and the others, it had seemed rather exposing and I couldn't stand the thought of that kind of vulnerability. James had faced a rageful Lily Evans, apparently, the red head had appeared before him with bright red cheeks and her arms folded across her chest. Sirius and Peter had found this hilarious while apparently the real Lily surprisingly hadn't said a word about it. Peter's had reportedly been the group of seventh year Slytherins who constantly pick on him. I didn't blame the poor guy, he always seemed more vulnerable than any of us and often cowered away instead of standing up for himself. I still didn't understand how he had stayed friends with James for so long, James often didn't have the patience for that sort of thing.
The one I had really felt for though was Sirius since his had been a mannequin adorned with a Slytherin uniform; the thought of following in his family's footsteps was the thing that he feared most.
The boys had been unwilling to talk about Remus' boggart, but unfortunately for him the entire school was talking about it. Why was the fifth-year boy who hung out with the infamous James Potter and Sirius Black afraid of the full moon? A lot of the students, including our friends, had figured he was afraid of being bitten by a werewolf or something. When we had talked about it earlier this week I had watched Remus look nervous and the other boys acted vague on the subject. I had almost asked why the boggart hadn't turned into a werewolf itself, but I could have sworn James could read my mind when he looked me in the eyes and shook his head. I hadn't brought up the subject since, but it still made me curious. Compared to Sirius, whom I knew his entire life-story, I knew very little about Remus. I knew his parents mostly kept to themselves and Remus seemed to get his poor constitution from his muggle mother who was often sick herself. I also knew that his father worked for the ministry in the justice department and had notoriously gone against Fenrir Greyback who was now a known Death Eater. Other than that Remus and the others were pretty mum on the subject.
I felt my stomach knot as I sat in my chair and pretended to listen to Professor Agent talk about boggarts. I could tell my friends were all finding the lesson to be quite fascinating, especially since Defense was typically about theoretical aspects instead of real life applications. But then again it was difficult to have practical lessons on the Unforgivable curses and dark magic.
"Alright class, it's time for each of you to face the boggart," Professor Agent announced mid-way through the lecture which brought my attention back to focus.
There was an excited buzz across the students as they waited in nervous anticipation.
"I will call each of you up once the boggart has been properly dealt with by the previous student. Remember the counter-curse against the boggart to accurately dispose of it. Riddikulus," Professor Agent explained.
My mind became a flood of non-sensical anxiety, with the only relief that Potter was half way though the alphabet; thank Merlin Professor Agent was formal.
"Alderton," Professor Agent said as Arkie stood up, trying to appear more confident than his face showed.
I watched as the first few students faced their most prominent fears. Most froze at the sight of whatever the boggart had turned into before being prompted by Professor Agent to change its appearance into something comical. Then the whole class would erupt into laughter.
"Carruthers," Professor Agent called out.
I looked over to Elodie and watched her get up with the same expression she had bore when we had faced Bellatrix in the hallway. But, like she did then, she took her wand from her robe pocket and unwaveringly approached the box where the boggart was waiting. As timid as Elodie could be, she never let fear impede her from doing or accomplishing anything.
I watched as the boggart exited from the box, appearing as a glass tank filled with water. I could also see the reflection of her inside with a panicked expression as the water rushed to fill up the tank. Elodie remained firm though with her raised wand and produced the counter charm before the professor even said anything. Moments later the once looming tank was nothing more than a small Rubik's cube.
"Alright, Fenwick, you're next," the professor announced as Elodie returned to her seat in the same controlled demeanor she had left with.
"How was it?" I whispered as she sat next to me.
"The most frightening thing I've ever experienced, duh," she said as she rolled her eyes.
Obviously, boggarts showed you your worst fear, but that's not really what I had been asking.
"But you looked so calm," I replied, ignoring her comment.
"It was really like the air was being sucked from my lungs," she answered before I turned back to watch Zelene.
She was currently facing the creepiest clown I had ever seen. Instead of a smile painted across its face it had a maniacal expression, topped with beady black eyes. Moments later the clown was wearing a dress that Elodie was currently working on and kept in our dormitory. It's frizzy red hair was also replaced with flowers and its painted face was now uniform pink. There was nothing scary about it anymore; the whole class burst into laughter.
A few more students went next. I hadn't been able to ask Zelene about her experience since she was sitting on the other side of Elodie who looked miffed that the dress she had been working on ended up on Zelene's clown.
Next to go in our friend group was Wendall, which meant I was next.
"Mr. Porter, we haven't gotten all day," Professor Agent said tersely as she stared at Wendall who still hadn't left his seat.
Obligingly, Max pulled the scruff of Wendall's robes and shoved him out of his seat towards the cryptic box. Out of all of us Wendall had been the surest of what his fear would be and did not have any want for facing it.
I watched as he inched closer to the box under the expectant gaze of the professor. Once he was close enough the box unlatched, and a swarm of bats was unearthed and dive bombing at Wendall's head. It took several attempts for Wendall to even stand up straight to be able to perform the charm which eventually rendered the bats into paper maché. Wendall was about the same shade as a ghost by the time he returned to his seat.
Max gave him a congratulatory slap on his back which only caused him to trip over his desk and fall into his chair. He remained expressionless.
This was exactly the type of reaction I had been worried about. I was the daughter of Euphemia and Fleamont Potter, two of the top-ranking auror's in magical Britain. I was the sister of the most popular boy in school whose only fear is the rejection of the girl he has been pining over for years and that I think has mostly to do with his ego; he also apparently has gotten over his childish fear of big dogs. But the important thing here is that Potter's do not feel fear and they are not cowards. Voldemort and his stupid cronies are the ones afraid of the world and that's why they feel the need to control it. I can't be afraid of anything if I'm going to be the one to stop and defeat them alongside my friends and family.
"Potter, you're up," Professor Agent called.
I walked up to the front of the class while I stared fixatedly on the looming trunk. How did this creature know me more than I knew myself? I had been wracking my brain this entire week and I still had no idea what I was afraid of, but this creature was supposed to look into my eyes and know instantly.
I braced myself as I heard the lock unlatch. I held my breath as I waited for that split second before my boggart appeared. James stepped out of the trunk with that stupid expression he wore when he was going after Severus Snape.
I heard some of the students behind me laugh already which made the image of James waver a bit. But he still walked towards me with that expression on his face as I stared in panic. I realized that James was wearing his normal clothing and still had his wand outstretched in front of him; we weren't allowed to use magic outside of school yet. As vague as the situations seemed to be, I knew exactly what he was doing. He was being an arrogant git who wasn't using his head; he was going to get himself hurt. No, he was going to get himself killed.
I stepped closer to my brother and tried to get him to look me in the eye, but he continued to look as if he were following something in the distance and going after it.
"James," I said, trying to get his attention.
He remained focused.
"James!" I said more urgently.
I saw him raise his wand as if he had caught up to whatever it was he had been following. He had that same determined look in his eye which hadn't yet fallen from his face. He stood there, even more confidently than he had before.
"Miss Potter," I heard from behind me but ignored it.
It was like this James and I were in our own world, but he wouldn't even look at me.
Then James disappeared and was replaced with a green flash.
"Miss Potter!" I heard more urgently but continued to ignore it.
James was now lying at my feet in a motionless heap. His arrogance had killed him.
I sank to my knees without a sound and stared at James. I knew this would happen, he never thought anything through.
I felt a hand on my shoulder as it broke my trance. I looked up to see Blythe standing beside me and offering her hand to help me up. I turned back to the floor, but James was gone. Professor Agent had cast the charm and returned the boggart to the trunk. I took Blythe's hand and stood up, my fear already becoming replaced with anger. How could this creature defeat me so easily?
Blythe led me back to our seats while I remained in seething silence. I had never been so disappointed in myself before, not even when I had failed to make the quidditch team in second year.
Once class restarted I could barely focus on any of the others' boggarts. I only heard Professor Agent methodically call out each student as they stood up to face the creature.
"Selkirk."
Max went and faced his broken broom, he didn't have to see his dead brother.
"Taylor."
Fern went and faced a grotesquely large snake.
"Turner."
Blythe ended the group. I tried to pay attention as Blythe herself hadn't known what the boggart would show.
I heard myself gasp, along with the rest of the class, as Voldemort himself appeared before Blythe. I couldn't help but stare intently and noticed several students with their mouths gaping open or even looking away in horror. Blythe however remained focused and transformed Voldemort into a plush dummy without missing a beat. The whole class erupted into laughter and applause.
XXX
The rumour that Adeline Potter was afraid of her brother had circulated by the time we all sat down for dinner.
"Boo!" James shouted from behind me before sitting down. "I didn't know I was that terrifying."
I noticed some of the others laughing.
"Shut up James," I retorted, having no patience for his teasing.
I hadn't yet talked about the boggart to anyone since I had went up to our dorm to lie down in between class and dinner. In that time, it had only taken an hour for the entire school to gossip about me and make the situation worse. But I couldn't stop thinking about that stupid look on his face, the one that always made me nervous. It had only went away the last time when Lily had shouted at him and forced him to consider not going after Snape. I was almost willing to go talk to her and ask her how she had done that.
"Seriously Addie, what was up with your boggart. I don't think I'm that much of an arse that you're scared of me," James continued a little more seriously, but I could still see the joking smile behind his eyes which tipped me off.
"I don't even know how I could ever be this scared for an enormous prat like you!" I shouted as I stood up abruptly and headed out of the Great Hall.
It was all too much. I hadn't realized how much this war was getting to me and I wasn't even a part of it yet. I didn't know what loss felt like or even what it was like to be in real danger. Our parents had made sure to give us a sheltered childhood where they kept the darkness at bay and away from us. Dad had always regaled us with exciting stories from work, but he always left out the real-life aspects like loss and death. Now I felt like this had only led James down an idiotic war path which would inevitably cost him his life.
I kept walking until I arrived at the quidditch pitch. I grabbed my broom from the storage shed and immediately shot off into the air. I flew as high as I could go until the castle was outlined by it's torches which looked like flickering fireflies. The sun was still shining but was now touching the horizon line and threatening to descend and leave me in darkness.
I had never felt this overwhelmed before and didn't have the first clue on how to talk about it with anyone. Everyone's fears had been more about survival than emotional. Snakes, drowning, being bitten by a vampire, none of it had anything to do with losing their family. Plus, I was even more upset that I hadn't been able to even think about using the charm against it. I could face down Bellatrix Lestrange and her cronies any day of the week, I could ride on my broom and have bats thrown at my head with the intent to unseat me, but I couldn't face a boggart. What would I be like standing up against Voldemort. He had never scared me before, but now I wasn't so confident in myself.
"Ly. Hey, Ly!" I heard a voice calling me as it came closer.
I looked down to see Sirius soring towards me on his own broom.
"Please tell me James isn't with you," I answered as I tried to look around him.
"No, I convinced him I would bring you down," he replied.
"What are you doing here Sirius?" I asked bluntly.
"I'm going to bring you down," he repeated plainly, unfazed by my hostility.
"I don't want to go back down," I replied stubbornly.
"You know, you could always talk to a friend about what's going on instead of shutting everyone out and yelling at James," he said with judgement absent from his voice.
I sighed.
"How am I supposed to talk to anyone? They all fear things that are intertwined in their DNA. It's survivalist to not want to be bitten by a deadly snake or vampire. James was dead. He had that stupid look on his face one moment and the next he was dead at my feet and there was nothing I could do about it since James doesn't listen to anyone," I rambled as Sirius only stared at me.
"Ly, James does listen to you," he said with sincerity in his voice.
"Not when it comes to chasing Snape. What happens when Snivellus becomes a Death Eater, huh? Then what?" I asked, working myself up. "How is anyone supposed to know what to say to this. Or to James to stop him from getting himself killed by his own arrogance?"
"I think I am the answer to both of those questions," Sirius answered softly.
"Your ego isn't helping this situation! I am already worried enough James' is going to get himself killed," I replied angrily before Sirius put his hand up in a surrendering motion.
"Ly, that's not what I'm trying to do here. First, did you think about the fact that my fear is about my family and not some primal instinct. My boggart was a bloody robe for Merlin's sake."
I stopped and thought about it. I had known about this, but I never really considered Sirius to be the one to work all of this out with.
"And second, I am always going to be at James' side so I promise I will be the one to save James from himself," he answered soberly.
"I'm not asking you to save his life or anything. Or to sacrifice yourself!" I said worriedly.
"You don't have to Ly, James is like my brother and I would cease to exist if he were to die," Sirius said solemnly.
We stared at each other for a moment.
"I'm not brave. I don't even know if I belong in Gryffindor anymore," I confided and broke our eye contact.
"Ly, how can you even say that, you're the bravest person I know," Sirius said while I looked at him incredulously.
"You are the only one I know who will even say Voldemort without flinching, you always stand up to my dear cousins when they corner you in the corridor, you walked right into the Forbidden Forest in your first year when James dared you to without a second thought, when you were younger you got right back on your broom when you fell from ten feet up, and you always stand up for your friends when they need you," he listed.
"None of those things are very hard to do," I said impishly.
"Ly, you're joking! James couldn't even walk into the forest until his third year, no seven-year-old would remount their broom after falling from that high, most of the school doesn't stand up to the Slytherins, and most of Britain are too afraid to say Voldemort. You are so amazing and it's infuriating that you don't see that. You are not afraid of a boggart you are afraid of losing your best friend who is also your brother. You see his flaws and know how vulnerable they make him when none of us are even brave enough to face that fact. Plus, I don't even know how you would make James' dead body comical for the counter charm," he stopped as he looked at me intensely.
"Put him in a dress? Maybe blue to bring out his eyes?" I replied simply.
We paused again before bursting into laughter.
"I love you," Sirius said with a big grin on his face before we both stopped abruptly.
I could see his uneasiness and a blush starting to form.
"I love you too," I replied as I felt heat form over my own face.
"Better get back before James breaks his promise and comes up here himself," Sirius said while I nodded.
We flew back to the ground in silence. I could see James pacing in the center of the pitch as we neared while Peter and Remus sat off to the side. James spotted us when he turned, and the others stood to come over.
"I am so sorry Addie, I wasn't even thinking. I didn't realize I was dead at your feet! I'm such an arse," James rambled as I saw how anxious he actually was.
In response I just went up to him and pulled him into an embrace to ease his nerves. We stayed there for several moments as I felt the anxiety ease out of his muscles. It was comforting to know that James, on some level, understood my own fears and maybe even felt them too. I just wasn't as much of an idiot as he was and thought about things before I decided to act.
"Are we good?" James asked, still with anxiety etched into his voice.
"We're good," I smiled before going to put my broom away.
Sirius followed me to do the same before following the others and heading back up to the castle. By this point the sun had set and the moon was now brightening the night sky.
"Looks like a full moon," I said casually while Sirius looked up at it a little too quickly.
"No, not quite," he said before I took another look and saw there was a sliver missing.
"I didn't realize you were so great at Astronomy," I teased.
"I'm not," he said simply before we fell into another silence and caught up with the others.
We were ascending the stairs to the common room when I stopped and took Sirius' hand.
"I just wanted to thank-you. You were right you know, I should have come to you," I said, feeling embarrassed with myself.
"I'm just glad you did end up talking to me," he said softly, still holding onto my hand.
"Well, you know, if you ever need to talk about yours, I'm here," I said, feeling the heat rise in my face again.
"I'll keep that in mind," he replied before I took my hand back and made my way for the portrait hole.
I looked back one more time before entering as Sirius stood rooted in place.
"Good-night," I said.
He turned around and greeted me with a smile.
"Good-night Ly."