"I've received word that Mother Giselle would like to come here for a time before going to Haven," Cullen told me after dinner as we went on patrol.
"She's willing to leave the people of the Crossroads?" I asked.
"Between her, Corporal Vale and his recruits they were able to hunt food, find blankets and track down a healer. The refugees are faring better now," Cullen replied, his eyes scanning our surroundings as we worked our way around the farm perimeter.
Corporal Vale had been a huge relief. He'd been the one the locals signed up with and with them came hunters, gardeners and farmers. Cullen had Vale instruct those recruits' to teach their skills to others, both at the Crossroads and the farm. Once they'd learned enough, Vale sent them to Haven to help Rylen.
"I'm glad," I smiled as I too watched for suspicious activity.
"She is bringing more workers to help. I guess seeing the first group become involved inspired others, praises for the Inquisition are beginning to sweep the countryside. With the additional help, we will be able to return to Haven to resume our duties," Cullen explained further.
"How soon?" I asked, trying to ignore the pang in my heart at the thought of leaving.
"Mother Giselle would like to hold a service or two for the people that have been taken by the rogue templars and mages before we depart, so I'd guess not for another week for her," Cullen mused, his hands resting on his sword pommel, "However, we still have to wait for the troops to arrive to help eliminate the mage and templar threats. I will not leave these people at their mercy any longer."
"Any word on the bandits?" I quirked a brow.
"No word, though they're definitely still in operation as they're ambushing people on the roads," his voice was laced with fury.
"Something needs to be done," I growled.
"Leliana has scouts looking for their base and watching their moves when they show themselves," Cullen offered, "It's best to wait and cut the head off the snake before acting too quickly."
"True enough, I'm just tired of the waiting game. I can't stand the idea of these innocent people being hurt any more than they already have been," I murmured.
"I understand how you feel, we will do all we can as quickly as we can," Cullen vowed.
I nodded and we fell into silence for a time as we continued our patrol. We could hear recruits laughing as we passed. I saw the lights of fires in the houses spread out around the main house.
Those not working on the watchtowers had helped fix the damage done to the houses and fencing, making things look far less derelict than when we had first arrived here. The smell of exposed dirt wafted through the air along with the smoke of the fires. I looked up to appreciate the starry sky above us.
"I must admit I missed the Ferelden countryside," Cullen stated, looking up at the sky, "I didn't realize how much until now."
"What was your life like before becoming a templar?" I asked, studying his profile, "We never really talked about our pasts at the Circle tower. I never pressed it since I wanted to bury mine."
He looked at me then, blinking for a moment. "I loved my life," he began, "I truly did, but I always had the pull to serve and protect others. Leaving my family, leaving Honneleath and everything I had ever known was one of the hardest things I've ever done."
"What is your family like?" I probed.
A sad smile spread across his lips, "My father and mother...passed away during the Blight. My family fled to South Reach to escape, but my parents perished."
"Cullen," I touched his arm, "I am so sorry."
He smiled, placing a hand over mine, "Thank you." He removed his hand before continuing, "My father was a good man who was firm but fair, and very stubborn. He loved my mother dearly, never a day going by where he didn't make her laugh. My mother was strong, but gentle and my biggest supporter in becoming a templar.
"Father had wanted me to stay, but conceded once Mother reasoned with him - she was the only one who could ever get him to change his mind about things. Mia, my elder sister, was not supportive. Mia is much like Father was, very stubborn, but she was determined to care for us and she...worried for me becoming a templar.
"Branson came after me, he's the trouble maker and prankster of the family. Rosalie is the youngest and she inherited mother's gentle way; she was the most hurt over my decision to leave. I still remember seeing the tears fall down her round cheeks when I left. That had occurred after she'd wrapped her arms around my ankles preventing me from leaving." He laughed.
He spoke with such tenderness about Rosalie I could tell she had been his favorite. Branson and Mia had been his good friends, but he had cherished Rosalie. I pictured the Rutherford clan - all golden-haired, brown-eyed salt of the earth people. Working the land, attending Chantry services and being a pillar of the community. All with a stubborn streak when they needed to dig their feet in over something important by Cullen's description. "Seems like stubbornness runs in the family," I chuckled.
"I've got nothing on Mia, trust me," Cullen chortled, "She's always been good at tracking me down, even when I didn't want to be found."
"Tracking you down?" I quoted, "You didn't let your family know where you were?"
Cullen's smile faltered, "I - no, I didn't." Shame crossed his features, "There's a reason I said it doesn't do to be without family."
"You have a family that loves you and let you go because it was your choice; what you wanted," I said quietly, "My family forced me out, abandoned me and how I felt about it was never even taken into consideration. The Keeper took me into her tent, explained why I was being sent away, put a pack on my shoulders and said 'dareth shiral'." I shrugged my shoulders, "I've been without them for nearly twenty years, I think I've done alright."
Cullen looked at me then, "So...is it that you don't want to forgive them? Even if they try?"
His question took me by surprise. I hesitated to answer, turning it over in my mind. Did I want to forgive them? Could I? I nearly asked Cullen if he'd ever forgive Uldred, but bit back the question. What my clan did to me was traumatic, but what Uldred had done was...to ask him that question would be to cut him to the bone. What Uldred had done did not bear anything worth having in his life; what my clan had done had brought me to the Circle. To my faith. To my friends. To Cullen. Could I at least forgive them because of that?
"If I am to be brutally honest, no I don't really want to forgive them," I stated, "but if they hadn't forced me out, I wouldn't be where I am in life. I said the same thing to Ellana the first time we spoke. I still struggle with anger and hurt over it, but...maybe it's time to let go."
"Will you tell me what you remember about them?" he asked, curiosity plain on his face.
He'd willingly told me what he had, so I would answer in kind. "My da is the blacksmith for the clan. Though he would step in as a warrior when needed, because our clan was so small after what happened. I remember he would craft the most beautiful things: weapons, armor, jewelry, or whatever else the clan wanted or needed. He would always carve elvish images into whatever he made. It could be halla, elven legends, the pantheon, anything and he would do it so intricately.
"There was a necklace he made once that I had hidden away when he finished. He'd taken a piece of ironbark, sliced it thin before cutting it into the shape of a teardrop. On the surface of the bark he'd carved the profile of a halla looking up and sprinkled gold dust to look like the night sky behind it before encasing it in a resin. He shaved the resin down and smoothed it out to match the teardrop shape. He ringed it with gold, put the tip of a smoothed halla horn at the top to loop a delicate gold chain through.
"I'd watched him make it and when he'd finished, I tucked it under my pillow when he was gone one day. The feel of the pendant was like glass and soothed me to sleep. He was angry with me when he found it one night, but I don't think he ever sold it. I don't know why he made it either; usually jewelry was requested by someone, he rarely made it just to make it unless it was for Ma. I always thought the necklace was for Ma, since she's the keeper of the halla, but I never saw her wear it.
"I would probably describe Ma as the stubborn one and Da as the gentle one, but they could be both when they needed to be. Da wasn't gentle when it came to templars or humans in general, but he would craft items to be sold to the humans despite his distrust. Ma was firm with us, but gentle with the halla.
"The rest of the clan, they were...my family too. We all loved and cared for each other, rarely apart for anything. All the children listened to the Hahren teach and tell stories for our historical education, the Keeper gave us spiritual guidance, then some of the clan mothers would teach us our numbers and letters - common tongue and elvish. The rest would hunt, fish, gather, guard, train, Da would smith, Ma would keep the halla and milk them. Everyone had a role, everyone contributed. We took care of each other.
"I...enjoyed my childhood, but a part of me always longed for...more. I questioned, I dreamed, I felt...incomplete. Sometimes I wonder if that isn't why they sent me away, to give me a chance to find what I was missing or because they were angry that I didn't think the clan was enough.
"It wasn't either of those reasons though; Ellana was the jewel of the clan. She was beautiful, even as a child. She loved everyone, her joy infectious. Magic came so easily, so naturally to her that she was leaps and bounds ahead of me in our lessons with the Keeper. I didn't resent her it though, I loved Ellana. She was...precious to me. To be ripped from her...I felt like a part of me died that day. That's why I couldn't be Meira anymore when the templars took me. Who was Meira without Ellana?" I couldn't stop the tears that came as I talked about Ellana. Sadness and anger in equal measure.
"And now?" Cullen murmured.
I looked at him, wiping the tears away. "I guess we'll see," I smiled weakly.
"If you need my help when they arrive, in any capacity, just let me know," he offered.
I nodded before changing the subject, "So, did I actually do well the other morning when we trained or did you go easy on me?"
He chuckled, "I did go easy on you, but no more than I do for any raw recruit. You held yourself well, had some idea of how to use your sword and shield. I'd even go as far as to say you have some raw talent in that area, but you definitely need more practice. As I said before, I won't be able to train you individually at this point, but while we are here, I will as much as I can. Once we return, I will advise Asaala. If there comes a time when things are less...strenuous, I will provide training myself."
"That makes me feel a little better," I admitted, "but fighting an intelligent adversary is far more difficult than a mindless demon. I can't imagine how you all survived against the pride demon or how templars fight mages or wardens fight darkspawn and archdemons."
"Lots of practice," he smirked, "Don't be too hard on yourself. You've only just begun and your training has been limited because of your other duties. Knowledge and ability will come with time. You said you were able to summon your magical weapons because Solas suggested strong emotions. What made him come to that conclusion?"
"I didn't want to tell you at first," I began, "but now knowing that you enlisted the help of one, I feel less concerned." His dark brows furrowed in confusion as he looked at me. "Solas believes that I possess the abilities of a dreamer mage," I continued, "That its because of this I was able to enter your dream and why my magic has been difficult to control."
His face paled as I told him this, fear and concern coloring his features. "He's certain?" was all he asked, "Even though you didn't have these abilities before?"
"Not certain, but confident enough that he advised that I take a potion to keep me out of the Fade for the time being. We theorized that the Breach could have brought out these new abilities or I have been suppressing them somehow," I explained, "He said he would try to figure out a way to test our theories to be certain. He did say that it's impossible to enter another's dream unless you are a dreamer, however."
"How did he know you entered my dream?" Cullen asked, his voice a little tight.
"I did not tell him, if that's what you are concerned about," I replied hastily, "he said we were 'not as quiet as we presumed'."
"I suppose it was foolish to think that when I pinned you to the ground, no one heard," Cullen mumbled, looking a little embarrassed.
I fought back a smile, "Perhaps they thought something else was going on."
Cullen went red, "Mm-Maker's breath." His hand shot to the back of his neck as he rubbed it reflexively at his embarrassment.
"Sorry, I couldn't resist, pay back for the other morning and for earlier with the soldiers," I smiled roguishly before asking, "Why do you seem afraid of me being a dreamer?"
Cullen cleared his throat before collecting himself enough to answer, "I spoke with Feynriel a little after he tried to help you. I'd never heard of a dreamer before and what Hawke had told me prior was both fascinating and terrifying. Feynriel could enter the Fade at will, could reshape things there, but he said demons constantly hounded his steps in both the waking and dream world.
"It's no wonder why, I could only imagine the kind of power a demon would wield through such a mage. A demon could use them to enter anyone's dreams and entice them into whatever temptation. If a dreamer can enter the Fade while awake, does that mean they could enter another's mind while they're awake as well? Could they reshape reality if they can reshape the Fade? The potential for magic like that is..."
"Well, I have since been taking the potion Solas suggested and have not entered the Fade," I assured, "No demons here."
"That is good," he chuckled, "I don't mean to be frightened, I just...worry for you. Perhaps I should see if I can find any information on dreamers."
"Where would you look and why would you do that?" I asked, scanning our surroundings again.
"If it helps you, I would gladly do it," he replied, "and as to where, there are some books in the Chantry back at Haven. They're old and there are some writings by Genitivi while he was held captive there. I didn't make time to look through them before, but I will be sure to do so when we return."
"Thank you," I spoke softly, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.
"You're welcome," he replied.
We fell silent again, but Cullen opened his mouth to speak again before closing it and looking away. He rubbed the back of his neck. It was becoming an obvious tell for when he was thinking about something or he was nervous.
"What is it?" I asked, my voice gentle.
He turned to look at me, pain in his eyes. "I don't really want to, but I have to ask. If I don't, I fear the questions will eat at me."
"Ask me what?" I quirked a brow.
"You never said anything about me... about my being willing to kill you so that I wouldn't give in to the demon's temptation at the Circle tower. I didn't know you weren't real," he blurted, the words a little rushed, but I understood what he was saying.
"What do you think I should say?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Doesn't it...bother you?" he murmured.
"Cullen," I touched his arm again, willing him to look at me, "It doesn't bother me for two reasons: The first being that if I had been real, she would have killed me anyway, even if you did give in to her temptation. You never made a contracted deal with her to keep me alive. The second reason being if she didn't kill me, she would have possessed me and used me to hurt you even more.
"Stabbing me, I had a chance to be healed and recover, but gave you a definite chance to kill the demon. You had an impossible choice to make and you gave yourself a third option that would've possibly saved us both - not that it was a certainty or that you did it for that reason, but the other two options would have certainly ended with death. Either yours or mine. You don't need to be hard on yourself for any of the choices you made during that time."
He met my eyes, "I don't know how not to feel that way. I survived while all of my friends died. I -"
"- Cullen you were barely more than a boy when this happened. You had to endure some of the most horrific things I have ever seen all while being rendered useless behind a magical cage. A crazed woman that allowed a demon to possess her to get to you, tortured you in a disgustingly vile way. You had just become a templar. You were barely prepared to guard mages let alone stand against demon-possessed maleficars and abominations. You endured, you stayed strong despite it all. Did you think you would come out of that without scars of some kind?" I argued.
"No, I just -" he began, but stopped abruptly as we heard footsteps running toward us.
"Healer!" a male voice shouted in a panic.
"Yes?" I turned towards the voice.
One of the farmers was running towards us, his face ghostly pale and his eyes wide with fear. "It's my wife! She's with child - the baby...it's comin' - but somethin's wrong!"
"Go back to the house, get a cloth wet and dab your wife's face. I will be along momentarily. The biggest thing is not to panic - you must be calm because she must be calm. It is vital that you do this, do you understand?" I instructed.
"Yes, miss," he nodded fiercely.
"Go!" I hurried him.
He turned and ran back towards his house, I watched until he went inside. When he'd disappeared, I turned to Cullen. "Please, wake Elaina. We need hot water, clean cotton, some kind of cord, clean blankets - as many as possible, soap-"
"-Meira, I've helped deliver before," he assured, "You go to the mother, I will take care of the rest."
"Thank you," I breathed and raced off in the direction the farmer had gone.
...
"I need you to pant hard, Emily," I instructed.
Emily and Ivan, were a young couple and this was their first. Ivan was panicked, but kept it together for Emily. Emily was a fighter. There had been nothing wrong, the baby was just taking its time. Finally, though, the baby was coming, it's head making an appearance.
"Good, Emily, good. Keep panting, don't push," I said softly. The head was where it needed to be. "Okay, now push!"
"I can't," Emily panted, gritting her teeth.
"Emily, you have to," I commanded.
"I can't!" she sobbed.
I looked up into her face: the pain, the fear, the exhaustion were beating her resolve. She opened her eyes and looked into mine. "Emily, I know this is hard, I know you want to give up. But you are so strong. You've carried this baby, now it's ready to meet you. Let's help it come into the world, shall we?"
Tears streamed down her face, but she nodded.
"Okay, Ivan, push her up," I instructed, having Ivan place his arm around Emily's shoulders, "Cullen, get everything ready. On three, Emily. One...two...three. Push!"
Emily grunted, the head slid out.
"Good, very good. Now pant again," I encouraged. The baby's first shoulder moved out a bit. "Okay, Emily, push!"
She rallied her strength and pushed again. The first shoulder was out.
"Very good, pant a little and then one more push, okay?" I looked into her eyes.
"I'm so tired," Emily sobbed.
"I know, but you're doing so good," I encouraged again, "We're almost done." She nodded her head weakly, steeling her face. "Okay, Emily. One more big push. Give it everything you've got! Now!"
Emily sobbed as she pushed with all the strength she had left. The baby's second shoulder emerged, followed by the rest of its body. Emily slumped back as Ivan laid her back on the bed, breathing hard. A great cry issued from the newborn and my heart swelled with joy.
"Ivan? Emily? Would you like to meet your child?" I asked tenderly.
Emily smiled from ear to ear and held her shaking hands out. I laid the crying babe on Emily's chest. Emily curled her arms around the infant, whispering sweetly to it. Ivan's eyes were lined with silver as he beheld his wife and child. I felt tears come to my own eyes at the blatant joy on their faces.
"Cullen, blankets," I whispered.
Cullen handed them to me and I laid them over the infant. As the family bonded, I healed Emily and attended to the cord. The babe suckled on Emily, which made Emily cry again with joy. Cullen and I left the room to give them all some privacy for a little while. He leaned against the fireplace mantle and I sank into a chair.
"Is there anything you can't do?" Cullen murmured.
"Ride a horse," I sighed heavily.
Cullen laughed. I laughed too.
...
"We can't thank ya enough," Ivan whispered to me as we left the room. Emily and the babe were both asleep.
"It was my pleasure," I smiled, "Emily did all the work."
"Nah ma'am," Ivan shook his head, "She's mighty grateful for all your encouragin' words. She doesn't think she'd a made it wit'out ya."
"I'm glad I could help," I stated.
"We decided to name 'er, Meira, after ya," he smiled broadly.
I was shocked. "You didn't - I don't deserve -"
"No 'fense, miss," he cut me off with a shake of his head, "but, 'tween deliverin' 'er and everything ya done for the farms, we wanted ta honor ya this way."
I blushed and tears came to my eyes. "Thank you," I bowed my head.
"You'll be back tomorrow, then?" he asked.
"Yes," I nodded, "I'll clean the babe up some more and make sure Emily is recovering properly. Get some rest yourself, Ivan."
"Yes, miss," he assured, "Evening, miss. Ser." He nodded to Cullen before he went back into the room.
Cullen and I saw ourselves out of the house.
"It seems you're a favorite of the farmers," Cullen observed, his eyes studying me as we resumed our patrol.
"I don't understand why," I shook my head in disbelief, "You're the Commander; you're the one that controls the Inquisition's forces."
"Aye," Cullen acknowledged, "but, you're the one that made the deal with Dennet, got the watchtowers in action, helped plant and just delivered a baby."
"You helped too," I mumbled.
"Meira," Cullen stopped me, grabbing my shoulders to have me face him, "you have been working harder than anyone else since we got here."
"I just...I had to help," I replied, sheepishly.
"I know," he smiled.
We walked in silence until the next rotation came to take their shifts. Cullen had pulled them into our patrol while we helped with the delivery, but they volunteered to take their next shift on time. We remained in silence as we walked back to the cabin.
"Goodnight, Meira," Cullen murmured as he held the door open for me.
"You're not coming?" I turned back with a brow quirked.
"I have to check on a couple things," he replied, evasively.
"Goodnight then, Cullen," I breathed as I entered the cabin.
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