A/N: This chapter and the next are both from Cullen's POV. Originally they were not, but I realized we haven't heard from our dear Commander in quite some time. I had a ton of fun putting these chapters into Cullen's perspective! Hope you enjoy!
"The Light shall lead her safely through the paths of this world, and into the next. For she who trusts in the Maker, fire is her water. As the moth sees light and goes towards flame, she should see fire and go towards light. The Veil holds no uncertainty for her, and she will know no fear of death, for the Maker shall be her beacon and her shield, her foundation and her sword," Mother Giselle sang the Chant for the Departed as a few archers lit the pyre that had been constructed for the fallen.
As the fire burned, mourners cried or sang the Chant. I sang the Chant quietly, Elizabeth who stood next to me sang as well. I glanced toward Meira who stood among the farmers, her eyes on me, but she quickly looked away. I tried to stay focused on the service, but the idea that something was wrong between Meira and I was eating away at me. She'd withdrawn and put distance between us, it growing wider each day since the woman next to me had arrived. I worried that Meira felt that I admired the red-head in a romantic sense.
Elizabeth Trevelyan was pretty, but she reminded me so much of Marian Hawke. Brazen, rash and incessantly flirtatious; but like Marian smart, capable and willing to dive head first into danger on behalf of others. Also like Marian, she'd made her desire and willingness to be bedded by me more than obvious. Purely for pleasure or as a balm to pain from the current state of affairs, I could not discern.
Neither reason mattered to me, really, as I was not given to frivolous affairs. In fact, I wanted to tell her I would be nothing but a disappointment as I had no prior experience. I felt no shame in that fact, but knew virginity was not a trait all women admired in a lover. However, I surmised that it would likely only spur her on - she would be my first tryst and she'd make sure it was an experience I never forgot.
Marian had given me the same reply when I tried to turn her down gently after Meira had left Kirkwall. I'd finally had to tell Marian it would never happen when she'd tried to pull me into a kiss. Her blue eyes had burned with anger as she railed about my obvious want to die alone if I'd wait only for the elf I'd turned Tranquil. I appreciated all the help Hawke had given me during my years in Kirkwall, but she did not understand that my heart belonged to another and she alone was who I desired.
I looked to Meira once more, her eyes closed and lips parted as she sang the Chant. You were so brave, so strong. You are not alone. Admitting our mistakes and correcting them is just as gallant, Cullen. Did you think you would come out of that without scars of some kind? She showed me so much kindness where I deserved none. I still could not believe she held no animosity towards me when I felt so responsible for all the pain that had befallen her and so many others because of my negligence. Instead of animosity, she seemed more than willing to open herself up to me once again, as if nothing had changed between us. I remembered the feel of her skin beneath my fingertips when she so vulnerably allowed me into her pain. She wanted me to see her, afraid as she was, so that I would know I was not alone.
I studied her again, her beauty threatening to take the air from my lungs. She hid under her hood, trying not to draw attention to herself despite her melodious voice as she sang the Chant for our fallen. It slipped from between her full lips, rosier than the rest of her olive skin. Her delicate nostrils flared with each inhale as her thick, dark lashes brushed against her flushed cheekbones as her eyes fluttered closed. Her groomed brows knitted in concentration as she recalled each word perfectly.
I watched as her tongue swept across her lips, wetting them as her throat moved with a swallow before continuing her song. Heat seared across my face as I watched those lips. More times than I could count - or would ever admit - since she'd been freed from her Tranquility I had wanted to capture those lips in my own.
I wanted nothing more than to tell her how I felt, to claim her as my own if she would have me. Yet, I saw what she was so desperately trying to hide. She was sinking under the weight of all that was burdening her mind. I had been blind to it in the chaos following the explosion of the Conclave, but here with my attention far less diverted, I saw it. Reliving what Alrik had done to her, being thrown back into her sister's life, being forced from the identity she had created for herself, her magic almost foreign to her and the burdens on her - both placed and taken on - were dragging her down.
I'd witnessed the cracks in her armor in Haven, so I'd hid behind the excuse of my being Commander and her subordinate for my lack of pursuit to hopefully make her see that I did hold feelings for her, but didn't feel that now was the time to pursue them. I'd hoped it would ease some tension between us by removing any pressure she might have felt. Instead, I'd watched as hurt and rejection colored her face. I'd wanted to throw the table out from between us and pull her into my arms at it, but I, like a coward, kept my true feelings hidden. I had not lied when I said our relationship would be inappropriate, but I did not clarify that when the time came, I would ensure no boundaries stood between us - if that was what she desired. But did she? Could she feel for me what I feel for her?
Bethany still remained stalwart in keeping the true damage of Meira's torture secret from me, which I thanked her for and never pressed, but she was not afraid to advise me in how to handle going about my feelings for Meira. Usually unsolicited advice, but much like Mia, Bethany treated me as a brother and I had to admit I welcomed her familial affection. When I asked Bethany what to expect following Meira's breaking of the Rite, Bethany had told me what Meira needed more than anything was time. Time to process, time to heal, and time to come to terms with all that had happened.
Bethany also stressed that Meira needed friendship above all else from me; that I needed to be a place she could turn to and trust. That part was easy, we'd been that before at Kinloch Hold. The part that wasn't easy and Bethany could not advise me on was this incessant want for Meira. To pull her into my arms, kiss her breathless and tell her how much I cared for her with both my words and my body. That I was in love with her. It had reignited with a vengeance in just this short time. Her beauty bewitching, her soul a call to my own.
I looked at her again, tears on her face now. At her tears I recalled the ones I had shed in front of her. Part of me questioned if I should not feel embarrassed about her having seen me cry: cry at her acceptance after witnessing what had happened at the hands of the maleficar and again at her forgiveness for the brand now hidden beneath her leather hood. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to feel anything besides the deepest gratitude. She'd seen me in those moments, as tainted as I was and had not shied away. Forgiven me without hesitation, shouldered my darkness without fear and smiled. Comforted me, accepted me and asked me to be her steady shoulder to lean on. I hadn't returned to the cabin that night for fear my feelings for her would erode my hard won self-control.
I prayed to Andraste for strength as it was hard not to touch her. So, I busied myself as much as possible until I couldn't take being away from her for another moment. Then she'd challenge me or joke with me; smile warmly before turning shy as her face flushed and jade eyes brightened as they looked into my own. She'd speak some unexpected words of flirtation that would baffle me. Her body would move against mine as we trained together or patrolled and I'd find myself giving back nearly every inch I had fought for in mental resolve.
Suddenly, the singing of the ceremony turned too loud, the smoke of the fire too overwhelming and the light from the pyre pierced my vision. I closed my eyes tight, breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth. Just as quickly it subsided. Each day the penalty for giving up lyrium seemed be making itself more and more known. Unable to sleep, recurrent headaches, hands that shook, weakness in my legs, tightness in my neck and shoulders, a desperate thirst and the faint call of the lyrium song beneath it all.
Even that Meira seemed to ease, the song of her magic soothing the silence left in the wake of the lyrium leaving my body. When I was with her, I could at least pretend to drown out the longing. Her song was like an aubade: sweet, quiet, gentle yet underneath that an iron will and unpredictability. As the sweet light of dawn came, it assured the sun rose - that there was hope. The dawn also held the promise that though the day came, you did not know what it would bring, and its possibilities were endless. That was Meira: she was the dawn - a promise of hope and a mystery to pursue. Sadly, she believed she was the dark of night.
Lyrium was the night as it seductively promised all you wanted and even gave it, but not without a price. You ached for it and offered all you had - even your very soul. You forgot yourself, and instead became yet another note in its song. All the while you're aware that you're losing yourself, but for the thirst you don't care.
The service ended, pulling me from my thoughts. Elaina called everyone to return to the main house that evening for a meal in remembrance of those we'd lost. Elizabeth walked beside me, chatting away, but I wasn't listening. Meira walked ahead of me with Elaina conversing about something, a small smile on her shadowed face. My eyes fell down the sweep of her back and watched her hips as they swayed with each step she took.
Beneath the layers of leather were scars beyond counting on her skin. She'd tried to keep them hidden from me that night, but I'd studied the soft curves of her legs when she'd turned from me. I knew she hated them, but at the same time felt they were badges of honor - her own battle scars to show she had fought and won.
She'd confessed her giving in to temptation, but I had witnessed the agony in her face as she recounted the moment and did not fear the revelation. To what point had her captors driven her, what promise had the demon seduced her with to finally break her resolve? The demon wearing Meira's face materialized in my mind and I fought back a shudder. The will this female who held my heart had to possess astounded my mind. To not only endure those atrocities as long as she did, but feel the evidence of the atrocities committed against her were something to embrace despite the shame she seemed to feel in their existence.
I longed to show her how beautiful I thought they were, to feel each with my fingers and lips. My hand flew to the back of my neck as heat flashed white hot in my face at the thought and quickly I looked away from her graceful form. Of course I hated that she had them for her sake and even more the reason why they existed, but I hoped that I could show her that she did not need to be ashamed.
The one who repents, who has faith, unshaken by the darkness of the world, she shall know true peace. Andraste, beg the Maker on Meira's behalf that she will know true peace.
I glanced around the farmland: the timber fence was underway, the watchtowers near completion, I needed to select a leader for the soldiers to be stationed here...the list was endless and I rubbed the back of my neck to try and ease the tension tightening the muscles there. I excused myself to Elizabeth and headed off to see to my duties.
...
I had received word from Leliana of how things had gone in Val Royeaux. I had to stop myself from punching something at the recounting she had given. The templars had officially abandoned their duties in favor of doing what they desired; which sounded like regrouping to build up and destroy the mages. Kill them all for what they've done. Nausea rolled in my gut as my own words echoed in my mind. I recalled Evelyn Cousland's kind, evergreen eyes as she patiently listened to my near maddened call for blood. Maker, I thank you for the Hero's wisdom to ignore my want for vengeance that day.
Leliana had reported that Grand Enchanter Fiona had been in the city, approaching Ellana to at least offer a meeting with the mages. If Ellana had not already decided to appeal to the mages for help, this would solidify and even justify the choice in her mind. I would not blame her; little would endear a mage to the templars in their current state. Much like myself, the bitter thought speared to my chest.
I'd hoped to gain their aid as I feared the power to render magic useless would be necessary to seal the Breach entirely. To also avoid more demons pouring out of the gaping hole in the Veil. However, the templars were too consumed with their feud with the mages to be convinced to turn their attention elsewhere. The Lord Seeker too arrogant to even deign to speak with Ellana or Cassandra. The Chantry too, was useless as it was more concerned with finding a Divine and keeping its lyrium-leashed dogs in check than actually seeing to the needs of the people. It had disgusted me to read.
Elizabeth had decided to stay when I told her of Leliana offering to send some of her spies to help with the bandits. The woman was ceaseless in her pursuit of me, hardly straying from my side as she was now as we entered the main house for the celebration of the dead. I breathed a sigh of relief as Elaina seated Meira and I nearest them, leaving no room for Elizabeth at the head of the table. A frown pulled on her rounded lips, but she headed to the other end of the table without complaint. I sat, willing Meira to look at me as she took her seat across from me. Her eyes looked at everything else but me, and I spoke before I could stop myself.
"Meira," I nearly barked, my tone verging on commanding. Her jade eyes found mine then, her gaze was steady, but cool.
"Commander," she nodded, her voice distant. I hated when she called me that; always her slipping away from me wether it be to keep from breaking decorum, to show her agitation with some foolish thing I've done or to tease me into an embarrassing blush.
"Is something wrong?" I asked before I thought better of it, wanting to dispel this strain between us.
"Not at all," she shook her head, but her jaw was set hard giving away her lie.
"Things did not go well for your sister in Val Royeaux," I frowned, willing my tone to ease as I recounted Leliana's letter. "The templars have declared their independence from the Chantry as well. The Lord Seeker wants nothing to do with the Inquisition, but Cassandra felt there were some templars who wished to help. Grand Enchanter Fiona was there; she did at least offer to meet with your sister in Redcliffe."
"Why wasn't Fiona at the Conclave?" she asked as one of her groomed brows quirked, her eyes leaving me as she pushed food around on her plate.
"The same reason Lord Seeker Lucius was not: they both suspected a trap," I took a swig from my tankard, the cursed thirst pulling at me again.
"Seems their suspicions were correct," she scowled, but offered no more words.
"Your sister and the others are going to the Storm Coast to rendezvous with the Bull's Chargers and track down some leads about the Grey Wardens that have been spotted there," I continued, "Blackwall went on ahead to Haven at Sister Nightingale's request as she hopes he will have more information. Sister Nightingale fears what's become of them as they have all but disappeared. Your sister and the others should return in a few weeks followed by your family's arrival. We will decide our next steps when Ellana returns."
She nodded to show she was listening, but kept her attention on her food. Unable to think of anything else to say that would convince her to oblige me in conversation, I turned my attention to my meal as well. The slight distance I had felt earlier now yawning into a wide chasm between us. I hardly had an appetite and was about to dismiss myself when the main doors opened.
"Henry!" Elizabeth shouted as a templar hesitantly entered, "Come over here."
I jerked my head in the direction Elizabeth waved as the templar entered. My brother's been in love with you since the day we met you, Elizabeth's words clanged in my mind. He had his helmet on, but I could tell he was uncomfortable as he hesitated and looked around. His gaze paused in our direction as he reached up to remove his helmet.
Dark hair cropped short, the same blue eyes and noble features as Elizabeth. He smiled broadly at his sister as she pounced on him before she dragged him down the length of the table to where we were seated. Elizabeth stopped them where Meira was seated and I couldn't stop my jaw from clenching as Henry Trevelyan's eyes fell on Meira. She was not mine and I could not deny her whatever would make her happy, but the thought of her being in the arms of another man - even one who loved her - filled me with dread.
"Henry, you're not going to believe it," Elizabeth schmoozed, "but this gorgeous elf is our little Neria. Her actual name is Meira, but I think it suits her better. Meira, this is Henry."
I could tell he agreed with his sister's assessment of Meira's beauty, his eyes bold as they looked Meira over; she unable to hide both her discomfort at his perusal and her form as she'd discarded most of her armor. That included her hood in exchange for the piece of linen she tied around her forehead. Used to both conceal the brand and keep her ebony curls back.
"It's good to see you again." Henry inclined his head before looking to our hosts, my hands turning to fists beneath the table as a blush bloomed across Meira's lovely cheekbones. "Elizabeth, you're being rude to our hosts," Henry chastised his sister.
"Dennets, this is my brother, Henry," Elizabeth hurriedly introduced them before turning Henry to me. "Henry, this is Commander Cullen." The man looked to me, giving a salute at my title. I saluted him, allowing him to be at ease. "Make some room," Elizabeth said to a couple of recruits so she and Henry could sit with us.
Elizabeth sat Henry next to Meira before she came to sit next to me. I boiled inside at her boldness, but she was oblivious to my irritation as she quickly dived into chatter. I answered when required with various one syllable responses, which seemed to appease Elizabeth. I was not intending to be rude, but my attention was focused towards Henry and Meira.
The man said something to the Dennets who chuckled in response before rising from their seats. They bid Meira goodnight, not noticing her pleading look to have them stay. Meira tried to focus on her food, but Trevelyan turned to her with a brow raised. He asked a question which Meira hesitated to answer, but eventually she did.
Once she gave an answer, I watched as Trevelyan raised a finger to brush along the linen on her forehead. He even began pushing the fabric out of the way as he did. I saw red in my vision as Meira shied away from the touch, readjusted the linen and curled in on herself. It was only respect for Meira that kept me in my seat, knowing she could handle herself and that bringing more attention to the situation would only bring her embarrassment. One look from her, though, and I'd be across the table.
"Cullen?" Elizabeth questioned, her eyes looking between Henry and I as I turned back to her voice.
"What?" I nearly barked, causing her haughtiness to falter for a moment before she continued telling whatever story she wanted me to find humorous.
When Meira didn't speak and moved away from his touch, Trevelyan lowered his hand. Concern crossed his face as he voiced another question. His brows raised and he hastily apologized to whatever answer Meira gave him. Meira met his eyes then and held them for a moment. My gut twisted uncomfortably, but it eased as she looked away when Trevelyan started wolfing down his food.
Soon after, they stood before exiting the cabin together. Elizabeth tried to entice me with a nightcap and evening stroll. My patrol had taken place earlier that evening after I had seen to Mother Giselle's quarters, but I declined citing fatigue as my reason. Not taking the hint, the woman walked with me to the cabin where Meira and I were housed.
"Goodnight, Commander?" her eyes darkened with desire as she quirked a brow, offering another invitation.
"Good night, Trevelyan," I had to keep myself from biting out.
She frowned, but nodded her head before turning to go sleep wherever she'd been assigned. I hurriedly shut the door.
"Maker's breath, that woman," I sighed deeply as I rubbed the back of my neck. I heard one of the beds groan and turned to see the outline of Meira's form beneath the blankets. Her back was to me and she was doing her best to pretend to be asleep. I wanted to speak with her, but knew I'd only make whatever was troubling her worse if I tried to force her to talk about it.
I set my armor and weapons at the foot of my bed, slid off my leather doublet before pulling my tunic over my head. I laid them on the end of the bed before pulling the covers over myself. I stared at the ceiling for a time before turning on my side to look at Meira. She was still pretending to be asleep. I stared at her back, hoping she would turn and talk to me. When she didn't, I allowed sleep to take me.
Thank you for reading! Let me know in the reviews if you'd like to see more Cullen POV chapters! Faves, follows and reviews are always welcome and appreciated!