WARNINGS: There's discussion of what happened to Meira at Alrik's hands in this chapter, including some details that have not been shared up to this point. While not graphic in depiction, it still may be too much for some.

I made my way through the belly of the ship to my quarters. Torches lit the way, boards creaked at my steps and as the ship groaned against the water. The off-duty sailors slept in hammocks while those on duty tended to the needs of the vessel. Cleaning, sorting goods, checking manifests among other things. Those awake whom I passed would tip their hats and offer a "my lady" or "Herald". I would dip my chin in return. I gave a sigh of relief as I leaned against my door when I closed it behind me. My eyes were shut as I stood there for a moment.

"Long day?" Solana's gentle voice questioned.

My eyes flew open and I saw her sitting on my bed. She looked beautiful with her blonde hair falling in a long braid over one shoulder, her pearly skin shining in the torchlight, darkening the spattering of freckles across her nose. Her dark brows were knitted in concern as her rosy lips were pursed. "Solana? What are you doing up?"

"We haven't really spoken and its been eating me up inside," she murmured. "I snuck in here as I figured you shouldn't be seen talking to me too much as the Herald - since you shouldn't know me."

"That is probably true," I whispered in return as I made my way over to her. I sat on the bed and released a sigh as I ran my hands over my face. "I am exhausted and the real difficulties haven't even begun."

Solana threw her arms around me. "Tell me everything that's happened," she pleaded, keeping her voice low. "I saw the scars, the brand...Leliana said you read the book, too."

I placed a gentle hand on one of her arms and leaned into her hug. "Solana," I bit back a sob. "There is so much and I am so tired."

Her arms stiffened around me and she began to pull away. "Of course...I should've waited."

"That's not what I mean," I met her coffee eyes. "I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I'm tired in the sense of wanting to talk about it."

There was a soft knock on the door. "It's Talitha, Herald. I need to speak with you." I stood and went to open the door. Ellana met my eyes, concern flickering in her own, before her gaze found Solana. "I can speak with you later, if you wish?"

"Come in, please," Solana beckoned.

I stepped aside so Ellana could enter the room, closing the door behind her and setting the lock. She hesitated, looking unsure of what to do. I took her hand and brought her over to sit with us. "I know you met, but this is Solana. She was with me in the tower and was my best friend there."

"It's nice to meet you," Ellana murmured.

"And you." Solana smiled before giving me a hard look. "That's hardly true," Solana scoffed. "Cullen was your best friend. I got your leftovers."

"I did not give you leftovers, Solana, and you know it."

"Well, we all knew who you really wanted to be with when you were with us," Solana stuck her tongue out.

"That isn't true either," I rolled my eyes. "I knew you long before Cullen."

"Didn't seem to matter to you," Solana huffed. "One look into his puppy eyes and you were smitten; the rest of us forgotten in the wake of his 'honey stare' as you so often liked to tell us."

I blushed a little. "Well, his eyes do look like honey."

"Or gold, or molten or gold-flecked," Solana listed off with a annoyed look on her face.

"What made you fall for him?" Ellana questioned after a chuckle, her jade eyes curious. "I mean initially."

"Yes, please do enlighten us," Solana interjected. "I still cannot figure it out."

I blushed deeper, remembering. "It was when he first came to the tower. Greagoir - that was our Knight-Commander - was leading the new templars through the library up to their quarters. Cullen stopped in the middle of the library and looked at me. His eyes were wide as a goofy grin formed on his face and when I smiled at him in return, he turned scarlet." I chuckled. "It made me curious about him, as I'd never seen a templar be so...normal. So, I observed him when I could. During his initial days, before he and his fellow recruits became full-fledged templars, he was kind. If a mage dropped their books around him, he'd help pick them up. He'd offer a smile and a laugh whenever he could. He'd help the little ones if they fell or got upset. He'd settle disputes by talking, instead of force. I just felt he filled the tower with warmth. His presence was one I couldn't ignore - even when I tried. I was drawn to him. Then when he kept finding ways to talk to me or be around me, I didn't want to fight what I was feeling any more...so I didn't. Neither of us would cross a line as we valued our faith and propriety too much, but we didn't believe being friends was wrong."

"I couldn't ignore his presence either," Solana groaned, quietly. "But only because I found him so annoying."

"Why?" Ellana questioned.

"Solana hates templars in general," I chuckled, softly. "Cullen was no exception."

Solana rolled her eyes. "You make me sound so prejudice. I don't hate templars just because they're templars. I despise the Order and have several issues with the Chantry. I hate what the Order and the Chantry turns those men and women into - not the people themselves. Most come out with a superiority complex - believing they're the Maker's own soldiers to 'keep the mages in check' by 'any means necessary'. They're warped into believing that we somehow rebelled against the Maker by having magic. As if a gift I was born with was something I chose so I could shake my fist at the Maker." Solana rolled her eyes.

"But why did you dislike Cullen so much?" Ellana quirked a dark brow. "From what she's told us, it doesn't sound like he believed those things."

"He didn't believe them," I offered. "His beliefs aligned more with mine and Solana's - at least until Uldred."

"I found him annoying at first simply because of his interest in you," Solana met my eyes. "I worried for you. Templars had been known before to use their positions to abuse us...in every way possible. I feared he was trying a different tactic from force to lure you into his bed."

"He would never," I assured.

"I came to realize that," Solana admitted. "The problem was that even if he did believe differently, he still followed the rules like a well-trained dog. Sure he might have broken some with you, but when push came to shove, he still would've cut you down if Greagoir ordered him. He may not have enjoyed killing mages, but he still did it. You and I both know there are other ways to save mages from possession beside a sword, yet the templars always chose blood over magic. Your Cullen was no different."

"Do the templars know about the other means?" Ellana asked.

"Surely they must," Solana flicked her braid over her shoulder. "Mages are the ones who discovered it and then wrote a whole dissertation on the process. The Hero of Ferelden came to the tower in search of the means to perform the ritual to save Arl Eamon's son, Connor. He'd been possessed by a desire demon as a child, causing the siege of the undead against Redcliffe. Warden Evelyn sought to free him without killing the boy. After she had saved the tower, Irving selected a group of us to help her. Wynne, a Senior Enchanter, entered the Fade and saved him."

"Solana, you know that possession has to have not taken hold completely for that ritual to work," I reminded her. "It wouldn't work on someone who has fully given into their possession. I forgot you were part of that group, I'm assuming that's when you escaped?"

"I know, but perhaps that stage comes with every possession?" Solana questioned. "If templars were trained to study the stages of possession and seek to save us before it was too late instead of cutting us down...it's just a thought. And yes, that is when I escaped. On our way there, I pleaded my case to Evelyn and Leliana. I helped Evelyn and in the middle of the night she and Leliana helped me escape."

"Why would the Hero help you escape?" Ellana wondered aloud. "From what I heard, she sounded like someone who would be against something like that."

"Evelyn was far more liberal than the tales have painted her," Solana replied. "That's not to say she's not a woman of supreme merit, she is; she just understands that the world is not black and white. Every situation and person deserves an open mind. I told her why I wanted to escape and what I hoped to do with my freedom; she deemed me worthy of help because I wished to help unfortunate mages who had not chosen their fates. Apostates who simply wished to live - not blood mages and those who'd chosen evil. Whereas with Jowan, she judged him worthy of a second chance within the walls of the Circle. There is a reason she was allowed to become queen and while currently her husband may be failing, I have no doubt she will swoop in and clean up the mess."

"I hope I get to meet her," Ellana murmured, an tinge of awe in her voice. "I've heard so much about her that makes her sound almost otherworldly."

"I can attest that while the legends about her have grown preposterous, she is a woman who could do the things people claim," Solana smiled. Solana met my eyes, "But back to your lover -"

"He is not my lover," I growled. "We are friends - no more, no less."

"Keep telling yourself that," Solana rolled her eyes. "I disliked him for his hypocrisy - which you seemed blind to while we were at the tower because he'd turned your head with his attentions. Then my beliefs about him were proven right when he raised his sword to you during Uldred's revolt. It took next to nothing for him to lose his trust in you; despite all his feelings and supposed beliefs. It disgusted me. I didn't want to be proven right, but I was. Then I was in Kirkwall - my time was brief, but I got a taste of your beloved templar's zealous reign. He wiped out the Mage Underground in Kirkwall. I stayed hidden, by the Maker's grace, but I saw the fire of hatred in his eyes as he razed our refuge to the ground and placed my friends in chains. I escaped to Val Royeaux and over the years, as others fled Kirkwall, I got bits of news about what was happening under his watch. I don't care wether he committed the atrocities directly or not, they happened while he was second-in-command. Once again, he could've done something and chose not to because he was faithful to his leash holder. All because a few mages killed his friends and he suffered abuse - which we face every day - he determined we all were what the Chantry told him we were: monsters."

"It sounds like you did exactly what he did," Ellana observed. "You had preconceived notions about him and when they were proven right in your eyes, you latched onto them with a zeal to justify your hatred of him."

Solana looked livid for a moment, giving Ellana a withering glare. I couldn't help but agree with what Ellana said, but I waited for Solana to reply. She took her time and when she spoke she did so slowly. "I never lied to myself about my beliefs. It was the lie he told himself that disgusted me; it was that lie being pulled into the open that corrupted him and the follow through of his supposed 'newfound truth' that made me hate him."

"I understand what you are saying, Solana, I do," I began. "However, I think you never allowed yourself to truly see him. You saw the armor and a belief that didn't fit inside of it. You couldn't reconcile the two, so therefore you rejected the idea that he could truly believe what he claimed. When he turned on me, I saw his fear while you saw the lie. What happened to him in that tower...changed him - not because what he claimed he believed was really a lie, but because what he wanted to believe - what he did believe - was so tainted by the deeds of Uldred and his acolytes that he was torn apart. He eventually convinced himself that it was his opposing beliefs and questioning of the Order that had led to all that happened. He vowed he would never again question his duty and set aside his previous beliefs and humanity. That was the zeal you saw in Kirkwall, but all the while those beliefs were there, whispering to him. The events in Kirkwall made him walk away from the Order. He is no longer a templar."

She gave me the same withering glare for a moment before she scoffed. "We'll see. You can say what you like, my friend, but until I see him for myself, I will hold fast to my opinion of him. Your love for him blinded you to his faults. His love for you blinded him to the beliefs he held about mages. I saw the truth. He was a templar, you were a mage. It spelled disaster from the beginning. I fear that it is happening again as I look at your face when you talk about him."

Anger flickered in my chest. "Solana, I don't know how to get you to understand."

"You won't," she shrugged. "You were branded, put through the Rite. Your body is riddled with scars. That had to happen in the Circle - at the hands of a templar. How can you turn around and love one who fulfilled his duty like a zealot? It's insane!"

That anger burned hotter in my chest. "You think him a zealot?" I stood and angrily stripped down to my bindings and smalls, nearly all of my scars bare before them. "These scars were received by a zealot who used a demon to experiment on me in order to figure out the best way to 'rescue me from my sin'." I pointed to an ugly gash that curved underneath my left breast from my ribs to my navel. "Alrik sliced this one into me as he whispered sweetly that if I just gave into the Rite, I'd save my soul from the Void." I followed the raised line of one that stretched from my right shoulder to where my heart pounded in my chest. "He carved this one as he moaned to let him 'rescue me' as he ra-," tears burned hot in my eyes and I ground my teeth together. I pointed to the first scar he gave me. "He gave me this one as he told me of his 'Tranquil Solution' before I tried to defend myself; when I did, he cut me and forced his mouth on mine." My breathing had become ragged as I spoke, fighting the writhing in my gut, that darkness I'd felt in the templar camp flickering in me. Let me out. I shoved the voice away.

Solana's eyes were wide, her face pale as I saw her putting the pieces together. "Every single cut that marks my skin was inflicted as it was whispered to me again and again the sin my magic was, the sin my love for Cullen was, and how the only route to my freedom was the Rite. That is a zealot." I glared at Solana. "I am not excusing Cullen's behavior, but at least when he fulfilled his duty he did his best to treat mages fairly. It may not have been the way you or I would have wanted, but he kept Meredith from killing them, spared them from the Rite when he didn't have to, listened to Hawke and others over his own distrust. He wasn't and isn't perfect, but don't label him a zealot. It is undeserved, Solana." My gaze softened as my anger cooled. "Forgive me." I pulled my shirt back on. "Confront him if you must, Solana, I will not stop you, but please bear in mind that there are worse things a templar can do than putting mages in chains and keeping them in the walls of a Circle." I closed my eyes and pinched my nose. "What I suffered does not outweigh the suffering of others, I just -" I looked them both in the eyes. "I love Cullen...with everything that is left of me. I can't explain it, as there are not words enough. I can't tell you all of the reasons why, as his story is not mine to share. I ask that you know that I am not blind to who he was or is, nor to what he has done. I...I -" Solana and Ellana flung their arms around me. I wrapped my arms around them in return.

"I cannot promise that I won't confront him nor can I promise that I won't be angry if I do. That anger is compounded by the fact that I now feel he's just as much to blame for what happened to you as Alrik -," Solana murmured.

"- He's not Solana -" I argued, but she cut me off.

"- Wether or not that is the case is a matter for debate, but know that I do not dismiss your feelings for him. I care for you, but I cannot simply set aside what he's done and allowed."

"I will do what I can to understand him, my sister," Ellana whispered. "I am here for you." She grabbed my face. "Let me carry some of your burden, sister. You've carried it alone for too long." She stared into my eyes, her own shimmering with tears, until I nodded. "Just tell me one more thing."

"What do you wish to know?" I asked as they released me.

"How did you survive down there after Alrik died?" Ellana questioned, gently. "You didn't say when we discussed it before and I've never known a creature to survive three years without food or water. And why did you never try to escape or use your magic?"

"I don't fully understand how I survived myself," I admitted as I tried to keep myself steady. "I did have a water source as the stones were always wet. I used a tattered blanket to absorb the moisture and I would...suck it out. It was never enough, but it kept me from dying of dehydration. As for food," I let out a shaky breath. "There was a plethora of vermin to choose from." I tried to smirk, but failed. "Mice, rats, cockroaches, centipedes, spiders...after vomiting the first few times, I was eventually able to hold them down. Roasted vermin tastes good when you're starving to death. Once, the vermin stopped coming, my body ate itself. Once that resource was used up, I think I consumed my mana. Over time I grew unable to use my magic, it was shortly after that happened that Cullen found me."

"Cullen found you?" Solana questioned.

I met her eyes and smiled sadly. "The look on his face told me all I needed to know of the state I was in."

"What did he do?" she asked before his eyes turned steely. "Did he turn you Tranquil to keep you quiet?"

I looked at her in horror. "What? No!" I vehemently whispered. "He - he tried to help me. He and Marian Hawke, along with Marian's sister, Bethany. They enlisted the help of a dreamer mage to try and reshape my memories so I could cope. I...resisted. A demon came to claim me and to spare me from possession, he turned me Tranquil. I forgot what happened to me while I was Tranquil and when the Rite was broken I was able to remember knowing I had survived. It is because of the Rite that I was able to cope with what I went through. It was broken when the Breach exploded into existence."

"But how?" Solana implored, her eyes begging.

"I'm not entirely sure, Solana," I admitted. "A spirit approached me in the Fade and did...something." I knew she wasn't satisfied, but she nodded her head.

"As for why I didn't try to escape or use my magic," I met their stares. This truth I did not want to share, but I knew it would help me if I did. "I did try to use magic. Whenever I did...he'd...he'd take me into another cell and make me watch as he...tortured the others he held down there. He'd smite me and chain me to the wall. He'd beat them, break them, violate them all the while chanting how it was my fault - that they had to pay for what I'd done. Eventually, I lost the will to use my magic in my defense. He'd allow me to heal myself and the others, but only just enough to keep us from dying. If I tried to remove scars or heal us completely...he'd-he'd," I took another shaky breath as the memories returned. "He was a monster. As for escape - the one and only time I tried and escaped." Words failed me for a moment and tears welled in my eyes. "I saw Cullen."

"What?" they gasped in unison.

"He didn't see me," I muttered. "He was...praying. There was blood on his face, streaks of tears cutting through the smears. He was weeping as he spoke the Chant." Seeing him in the candlelight, looking so utterly broken and defeated had made me forget what I was running from just long enough. "Before I could call out to him, a templar that was part of Alrik's circle stepped out of the shadows as another pressed a blade to my throat. Alrik strode up next to me and whispered, 'One word, one scream, one single syllable and I will kill him. I will bring him down below, make him watch as I take you before I gut him like a pig in front of your eyes. As he bleeds out, I will carve you open. I'll drag both your carcasses before Meredith and tell her you were an abomination. We'd come too late to save the boy from you'." Tears fell from my eyes as I recounted his malice and the absolute terror that had paralyzed me at his words. He would do exactly what he promised. "He went on to say if I ever tried to escape again he would fulfill his promise to me. I never tried again, not even when he hadn't come to my cell after a time. I didn't know how long it had been between his death and Cullen finding me until I read Tale of the Champion." Their eyes were full of horror as words failed them. I encircled my arm around my sister and Solana before I pulled them close. "Enough about this," I said thickly. "I did not mean to place that burden on you. Neither of you needed to know those details." I released them. "Cullen is never to know about what I just told you, do you understand? Never."

They both nodded their heads. Ellana softly touched my shoulder. "Let's stop dwelling on the past."

"Yes, please," Solana breathed.

"Will you tell us about your conversation with Vivienne?" Ellana asked, though her voice was hesitant as if she shouldn't have spoken.

I took a deep breath to steady myself, before pulling the rest of my clothes back on. Ellana explained that she'd seen me enter Vivienne's room before I recounted what we discussed. The distraction served its purpose in easing my frayed nerves. "I hope what I said aligns with your thoughts," I glanced at Ellana. She seemed to be mulling things over.

"For the most part," Ellana gave a slight nod. "I'll try not to be offended by your comments on the Dalish, however," a smirk flickered on her face. "I will admit that I do not wholly disagree with you on anything you said."

"I'll even admit that your ideas sound agreeable to me," Solana agreed. "Maybe changing a few details, but a Circle that I can leave as I please - that doesn't sound so bad. What did Vivienne say?"

"I don't think she was very happy, but she didn't give a solid refusal or dismissal," I explained. "As I said to her, the future of the Circles and the Order can't be decided by one person alone."

"Indeed," Solana nodded.

As conversation lulled, I glanced at Ellana who looked troubled. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

She glanced up at me, her eyes widening slightly as her cheeks flushed. "Nothing, it's not important." Her eyes flicked to Solana.

That made me curious. "It's not nothing."

"I - I," she kept glancing at Solana.

Eventually Solana took the hint and with a sigh hauled herself off the bed. "I should get some sleep," she sighed. "Though I hate missing out on interesting conversation," she teased Ellana. She turned to me and hugged me before saying, "We all need to talk again, but about happier times. Your sister needs to hear about the girl who grew up in the tower." She smiled gently and I returned it with a smile of my own.

"I would like that," Ellana admitted. Solana smiled wider before dismissing herself. Ellana waited until Solana had left the room before turning to me. "I think I'm attracted to Solas, but more than attracted to him. Like you said - drawn to him. How do I know? How are we going to handle romantic relationships in our roles?"

"I kind of guessed as much," I chuckled. "What is it about him that draws you to him?"

A small smile formed on her lips as a blush crept into her cheeks. "He's mysterious, intelligent and even though he opposes the Dalish, I find our conversations and arguments about elves riveting. There's a passion in him that I can sense beneath his cool demeanor. I find him...fascinating." A smirk flickered as she spoke the last word. "I enjoy his company."

"Sounds like you're on the right track to me." I smiled. "Have you...not been in a relationship before?"

She blushed deeper. "No," she squeaked before her features were colored bashful. "Is it that obvious?"

"A little," I admitted. "But we do share the same face...and the same tells."

She chuckled before looking at me seriously. "I have missed you."

"And I you," I murmured. "As for how we're going to handle relationships," I paused before smiling mischievously. "Perhaps we should let the males figure it out."

Ellana looked shocked before laughing. "Oh, you're terrible. What will your dear Commander think?"

I smiled wider. "He'll live...after he dies of embarrassment."

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