Rating: PG
Warnings: heavy angst; could possibly be taken as light shounen-ai (but only if you want it to be)
Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue.
Why
Every year it was the same routine. You were always completely serious, a rarity for any other day. The normal cheer would be replaced by a solemn expression and an uncharacteristic silence.
You would kneel down in front of your mother's grave, flowers still in hand, and simply stare at the words etched in the stone. I would stand a few paces back, watching you. You would just stare.
When you were younger, you'd cry as you read those words, finally looking down as the reality became too much for you to bear. The sobs subsided eventually and were replaced once again by silence. The tears returned when we left, though not as violently. You sniffled a little on the way home, reaching up to hold my hand as we exited the cemetery. As you grew older, the tears stopped, but the sorrowful expression remained. You would no longer hold my hand; only walk silently by my side.
Before we left, however, something else always happened. Something that frightened me, to be honest, though of course I'd never let that be known. The emotion would suddenly disappear from you. Your face would harden and your eyes would turn cold as they once again stared at her gravestone. Your voice never faltered as you then asked the question I had learned to be inevitable--
"What happened to my dad?"
It was the only time you ever referred to him as your "dad" rather than your "old man", or "Jecht", or just a contemptuous "him".
I would pause for a long time, as if thinking of a response, though the answer was always--
"You'll know when you're older."
You would never argue. I always wondered why you never insisted I tell you. You'd close your eyes and your features would soften as they slowly reopened. You would gently lay the roses in front of the stone and stand to leave.
Today our tradition was broken. I don't know what it was that made you snap as I repeated that familiar line. Your demeanor changed from uncaring to pure rage. You dropped the flowers and sprung up. My heart skipped a beat as you grabbed me by the collar of my coat and stared at me with wide, angry eyes.
"Why can't I know now? You always tell me, 'when I'm older', but when will I be old enough, Auron? I'm seventeen! It's been ten years and I can't know what happened to my own damned father? I know you know, so why won't you tell me?" You shook me slightly.
In that moment, looking into your crazed eyes, I wanted nothing more than to be able to answer the question you had asked me every year since your mother's death. I knew I could not. Not yet. You wouldn't be able to understand, nor believe, what I could tell you. I said nothing.
Panting turned into sobs. Those eyes that were filled with fury just moments before lowered and filled with tears. The grip on my collar weakened. "Why, Auron?" You let go and just stood there. "Why?" you repeated, barely in a whisper.
I don't know how long we stood there. Still sniffling, you turned and started to leave. I followed. As we exited the cemetery, I made no protest as you reached over and took my hand.