The Unbreaking

by LadyAubade

A novelized version of DA:I centering around the love story of Meira Neria Lavellan, formerly of Kinloch Hold, and Cullen Stanton Rutherford, Commander of the Inquisition's Forces. In a world determined to keep them broken and apart, they fight to be together. Cameos, blushes, stammering and fluff abound. *Updates Monthly*

53. Secrets

WARNINGS: Allusions to Cullen and Meria's traumas, but nothing graphic.

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MEIRA

"Meira," a gruff voice spoke softly. "Meira, wake up."

I blinked my eyes open to find gold eyes looking at me with a tender fondness. "Purpose."

"Hello, Meira," he smiled. "You beautiful thing, you."

I gave a small smile. "I'm hardly beautiful, Purpose and I'm sure my…what am I on? Third? Fourth? I'm sure my most recent brush with death did not help that situation."

Purpose laughed as he helped me sit up. "It is lucky that you have such talented friends. I think you'll find Solana did an excellent job at restoring you."

The feel of a blade lanced through my side. The agony of Ellana dragging me up the mountain racked my body. Hazy memories of Solana putting me back together played before my eyes. "I nearly died again, didn't I? Ellana and I both nearly died?"

Purpose's smile fell. "You did die, Meira. Briefly, but your heart stopped. It is only by Solana's quick thinking that you and I are having this conversation."

Purpose looked around. We were in a beautiful meadow surrounded by tall grasses, wildflowers, a soothing brook nearby, strongly scented pines all around and mountains springing up to surround us. Yet underneath its beauty I could feel the unnaturalness of it, the ever changing details. The Fade.

"Why am I here, Purpose?" I questioned. "I should be in the waking world. Is Ellana alright? Cullen? The Inquisition?"

Purpose hushed me. "While you are safer here, you still need to take things slowly. Your conscious mind is trying to protect itself from everything you just suffered. I was hoping you wouldn't remember everything, at least not right away. You need time to recover, to process. Until then, I suggest you remain here. Everyone is fine. Ellana is sleeping not too far away, I will take you to her in a moment." His gold eyes met mine, several emotions mingling within them. "Meira, there is…there is something I need to show you."

My brows knit at his tone. "What's wrong?"

He looked away from me. "I have…been keeping something from you, Meira. A secret that nearly got you killed back in Haven." He let out a sigh. "I was hoping to be able to prepare you better before I told you, but it seems it cannot wait."

"What are you talking about, Purpose?" A sense of dread breathed across the back of my neck as fear pooled in my belly.

"First, you need to speak with Ellana - she was terrified of losing you." Purpose faced me. "Cullen as well." He glanced at our surroundings once more. "I suppose we have him to thank for this lovely scenery. I guess this is what he makes you feel when he holds you."

I was taken aback, looking around once more as well. "What do you mean?"

A smirk pulled at his lips. "Your man is currently keeping you alive in the waking world. Holding you close to keep you warm. This scenery is of your making, not mine. It reflects where you are physically, but…it reflects something more as well."

"I made this?" I questioned in disbelief. "It's…"

"Beautiful, just like its maker," Purpose finished for me. I looked at him, finding his gaze intense, which caused me to blush. Abruptly, he stood and held his hand out. "Come on, you need to let Ellana wake up."

Taking his hand, he pulled me up. Holding me for a moment, he set his back to me and led the way. Despite the fact that I was in the Fade and this was not my physical body, I felt utterly drained. My legs felt unnaturally heavy, my thoughts slow to process, and everything felt as if it were too much. Memories of Haven, of the mountain, of Solana, screamed in my mind. The sensation of a dark voice echoed in my head. The meadow flickered, turning from beautiful to something war torn and on fire. "Purpose," I breathed.

He turned and came to my side. "Just breathe, Meira. Breathe. Focus on Ellana. Focus on finding Ellana." He took my hand and looped it through his arm, helping me to walk. "One foot in front of the other."

I took deep breaths in and out, gripping Purpose's arm. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Must find Ellana. I focused on the task set before me and felt as the Fade settled back into the meadow I had crafted. The panic that had begun to rise eased, but it was not gone. It was just under the surface, crawling beneath my skin. "Purpose, what is wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you, Meira," Purpose assured. "You have been through much in a very short amount of time. The mind is a fragile thing and the one thing it is good at is protecting itself. Yours is trying to process what happened to you and feels it is still in danger. Breathe and remind yourself that you are alive. You are recovering. You must allow yourself time to heal."

"What happened in Haven?" I murmured. "I…I remember a voice…a presence."

Purpose looked at me. "In due time, Meira. First, Ellana."

Anger lit in my chest, hot and sudden. "Why are you so desperate for me to get to Ellana? I am not right, Purpose! What is going on?" The longer I was awake, the more I could feel it. That dark voice that I had heard every so often now felt like an actual presence, an entity that sat within my mind, my heart. It pulled, it whispered. Maker, help me!

"Please, Meira," Purpose's eyes were wide as he looked around. I could feel it too, the Fade shifting again. "Please! You have to let Ellana out first, then I will tell you everything. I swear it, Meira. Help me get Ellana out first."

"'Get her out'?" I questioned, that anger evaporating. "Why…why do you make it sound like…she's trapped?"

Purpose turned to me and held my face between his hands. "It was not your fault. You were just trying to protect her, but you need to release her. You are to say nothing to Ellana about it. Do you understand?"

That panic burst from my skin. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, yet I felt frozen - trapped within my body. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. My heart was racing, my palms sweating. Come see. Come see what he has hidden from you. Maker, oh Maker, please help me! "Purpose, what is happening to me?"

"Shut it out, Meira!" Purpose shouted, giving me a hard shake.

"Hello, Meira," a gentle voice spoke. Surprised, Purpose and I both turned towards the voice to find a spirit that was breathtakingly beautiful. In utter disbelief and joy, I laughed. For the first time, I was beholding a spirit that took the form of a child. She was young, very young from what I could tell. Her eyes were made of fire, but pure warmth and joy, not anger or wrath. Her hair and dress were spotless white. "I am Faith."

"Faith?" Purpose gasped. "What…what drew you?"

Faith nodded towards me. "She did." Then she spread her hands out wide and as she did, the Fade shifted. "Then they did." As she said those words, a scene unfolded all around us. We stood within what I assumed was the Inquisition's camp. The people were downtrodden, defeated, but among them there was an undercurrent of something powerful stirring. That same something powerful equaled what radiated from Faith. "They need me, Purpose. Just like they need you."

"She needs me more," Purpose clenched his jaw.

"That may be so, but this is my domain now. I am with these people—this cause—until I am no longer needed. So long as you remain, you will assist as I ask," Faith commanded.

"You…you cannot just—"

"—I can and I have, Purpose." Faith cut him off. Her voice was stern and unyielding. Purpose gave a nod. Faith looked to me. "Speak with me when you've woken your sister, Meira. We've much to discuss."

"Al-Alright," I nodded.

"Do not fear, child," Faith assured, her eyes and smile warm. "I am here to encourage you. You called and I answered."

"Why?" I questioned.

"See to your sister first, then I will speak with you." Faith vanished at those words.

"A spirit of Faith," Purpose breathed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I have not come across one in ages." His gold eyes turned to me. "You are very special indeed to draw such a one."

I quirked a brow. "How would Faith be drawn?"

"You must have a faith so strong, so powerful that it cannot help but come to you. What happened in Haven—when you cried out to the Maker again and again, happily surrendered to death if it meant going to his side. That must have been what drew her."

"And the Inquisition?" I questioned.

"I am not sure, but Faith knows. She would not have shown herself unless it had been earned," Purpose offered. "Come, let us go to Ellana."

"Where is Ellana?" Breathing a sigh of relief, he took my hand and we stepped through the Fade to where Ellana was sleeping. She was on a cot, her face worried. Just as before, she glowed with the light of the Mark—the Anchor—her vallaslin shifting like a tree going through the seasons. "What do I do?"

"Just touch her forehead and will her to wake," Purpose instructed. "Tell her whatever you need to and then will her on to the waking world."

I nodded before stretching a shaky hand towards her forehead. As soon as my fingers touched her skin, she gasped awake. Her eyes were hypnotic, the silver flecks shining like moonlight, the jade glistening like precious stones and the dark rings like smoke.

"Meira? Wha-Where? Where am I?" Ellana blinked and then tears filled her eyes as she looked at me, eyes wide. "Are we dead?"

I took her face in my hands, putting my forehead to hers. A tenderness filled my heart at her fear, but beneath it I could feel something cold, malicious even. I shoved it away and spoke gently to her. "No, da'len. Ma vhenan. We live—I live—thanks to you. I praise the Maker that you did not listen to me. We are in the Fade. You need to return to the waking world." I wiped away her tears. "Do not cry, my sister. Go to them, lead them. They need you. Tell Cullen I love him and tell him that I hope he can forgive me."

"I will," Ellana nodded, her dark lashes wet with tears. "Why can't you wake with me?"

"Her mind needs to recover. It is not yet ready for her to wake to her body. Though she's been healed, there will still be much pain to endure—the same for you. Aside from that, I have something to show her and another spirit needs to speak with her," Purpose explained. "Fear not, Ellana, your sister is in my care."

Ellana looked between us. "Please be careful, my sister, and do not keep us waiting long." She studied me for a long moment. "Do you realize how…beautiful you look?"

I laughed. "I could say the same to you my sister, you are…extraordinary in the Fade." She gave me a small smile that did not reach her eyes.

"You mortals all appear differently in the Fade, but it is merely a projection of Meira's mind you are seeing," Purpose spoke. "If she willed it, she would appear just as she does in the waking world—as would you. You are merely seeing her abilities at work since she has not learned how to fully control them."

"Now go, da'len," I urged. "They need you. I will return to you as soon as I am able."

"Ar lath ma, Meira," Ellana murmured as she pulled me into a hug. "Dareth shiral."

"And you, sister," I breathed.

Holding me closer, Ellana drifted away as she returned to the waking world. Feeling a strange sense of loss as my arms were now empty, I turned to Purpose. Instead of Purpose, however, I found Faith standing beside me, her gaze forward. "Where is Purpose?"

"Fighting a losing battle," Faith said cryptically. "He will return when he is able, for now I must speak with you."

"About?" I quirked a brow at her.

Her fire eyes met my stare. "When you cried out to the Maker, I heard your call, the sincerity of your faith. You drew comfort from what you believed, were ready to surrender to what awaited you. There was no doubt, no fear - only assurance. It has been a long time since I have sensed such a strong faith.
"Then, as I followed you up the mountain and came to be among your Inquisition I sensed others - Cassandra, Giselle, Leliana, even Cullen though he wrestles with doubt. They are the strongest, but there are even more among you.
"Yet, your adversary dares to strip those who are…scared to believe in what little faith they have; but even more so he may be the very key to assure them of it."

"What does this have to do with me?" I asked.

Her face darkened. "Your tests are not done. In some ways, they are only beginning."

That fear returned in earnest, my skin feeling as if it were moving. "Wh-what do you mean?"

Faith turned to me and took my hands in her little ones. "Whatever comes, cling to your faith. It may be all that gets you through." Her tiny fingers tightened their grip. "And do not lose faith in Purpose."

"What aren't you telling me?" I questioned, anger beginning to brew in my chest.

"I cannot tell you what lies ahead, I can only encourage you in the now."

I ripped my hands from hers. "Why do you spirits insist on being cryptic? I am so tired of these puzzles. If you know, why can't you tell me?"

Faith's eyes became hard as flint as that fire blazed hotter. "Meira, you of all people should know that if you had been told what your path held for you before it came, you would never have walked it. You accept what happened to you in Kirkwall now because you went through it. If you had known what was coming, what would you have done? You would have run, you would have left Cullen to his fate, and you would have cursed the Maker."

"No, I—" I began to protest, my anger growing.

"—Do not lie to me, Meira," Faith scolded. "I am no fool." I snapped my mouth shut realizing that she was right. Had I not said as much myself? She took my hand and pulled me down to her level before pulling me into a hug. "I do not pretend to know all that will happen. I just know that you have endured much and have much to endure still. Know that you are not alone and do not lose sight of what it is you trust in. In your assurance, you may find that you strengthen and assure others."

"And if I fail?" I questioned, my voice quiet.

"You are mortal, Meira," Faith smiled as she pulled back from me. "You will fail. It's not the failure that's the problem—giving up, never trying in the first place—that is where true failure lies and hope is lost." Her fire eyes flicked between mine. "And hope is needed now more than ever. When you stand up after falling, when you rise from the ashes, when you keep fighting—that is when hope is ignited and faith is realized."

"You are asking much of me," I murmured, a loneliness coming in the wake of my anger slipping away. "I fear it may be too much."

"I am sorry for all you've endured, Meira," Faith apologized. "And for all you must endure still. But trust in the fact that Purpose was drawn to you for reason, that I was drawn to you for a reason. But above all, remember that it is not for youto decide what you endure, only what you do in response, how you are hewn by it."

I lifted my eyes to her. "Something in me is different, I can feel it. Am I…am I broken?"

She giggled. "Do you know how marble statues are created? Chunks of the marble are split and broken off; the stone is shattered, gouged, cut and scratched. The process is grueling. It would even be painful if marble were alive.
"One wrong move by the sculptor and the marble would be destroyed. Each painful step is done with careful planning and purpose. Eventually, the statue takes form, then its rough edges are smoothed and finally polished. What about clay? It must been hardened in fire to withstand what it was created for.
"What is it that your Chant of Light says? 'All men are the work of our Maker's hands'? 'We are alike in sorrow, sculptor and clay, comforting each other in our art'?" Her eyes filled with tears for me.
"Not broken, but…changed. You cannot expect to have endured all of what you have and not have scars—both seen and unseen. To not be changed. All that matters is how you respond and know that the work is not yet finished."

"And if I want to rage? Want to run? Have had enough?" I asked bitterly.

"You have asked those questions before," Faith retorted. "What did you conclude?"

I sighed wearily, "That I am on the path the Maker set before me."

"And do not forget it," Faith encouraged.

"I have to say, you do not make it easy to like you," I grumbled.

Faith laughed gaily. "Why do you think I am not often seen? True faith tends to make life both easier and more difficult, but what would your life be without your faith?"

I thought for a moment, the answer clearing away my anger once more. "Nothing. I would be long dead or…or I would be a monster."

Faith's fire eyes burned brighter as her gaze bored into me. "Cling to that realization, Meira, and fight with everything you have—and everything you do not—against that."

"But I'm so tired," I cried.

"Then take refuge and find rest in those you love," Faith instructed. A smile bloomed across her face. "I think you will find you are in good company."

"What do you mean?" I quirked a brow.

Faith pulled a hand through the air, the Fade shifting to reveal the Inquisition once more. Words poured into the Fade, echoing all around.
"Shadows fall and hope has fled. Steel your heart, the dawn will come. The night is long and the path is dark. Look to the sky for one day soon, the dawn will come. The shepherd's lost and his home is far. Keep to the stars, the dawn will come."
I watched as the atmosphere of camp changed dramatically. The people stood, saluted, smiled, cried, and bowed as nearly everyone joined in the song. Facing Ellana, Mother Giselle to her side as she lifted her voice to the night sky, they sang the Chantry hymn. The same hymn Cullen had sung to me in his tent to bring me comfort after I had faced Keeper Deshanna.
Faith let their words continue to echo into the Fade and as it did, several more spirits were revealed: Endurance, Courage, Saudade, Compassion, and Valor. Tears wet their faces as they listened to the words the Inquisition sang. One voice stood out to me, Cullen's silvery voice lifting above the others and harmonizing with Leliana's dulcet tones. I watched as his features melted into surrender as he gave fully into the emotions the song was rousing within him.
"The night is long and the path is dark. Look to the sky, for one day soon, the dawn will come. Bare your blade and raise it high. Stand your ground, the dawn will come. The night is long and the path is dark. Look to the sky, for one day soon, the dawn will come."
Hope filling me as that last note was held, I felt the whisper of something dark across my skin. I turned to find that I was alone. No longer in the meadow nor the camp, the Fade was dark.

"Come see, Meira."

With a cry of panic, I felt hands upon my ankles as I was dragged down. The hands were like ice upon my skin, burning my flesh at the sheer coldness of them. Down, down I was dragged. Time slowed around me, seconds turning to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days. I did not understand what was happening.
I cried, I screamed, but no sound met my ears. That change I had felt, was writhing and wriggling within me, gnawing at my mind. Rage, fear, and despair gripped me, the force so powerful it was all I could feel. Maker, oh Maker, please!
My feet hit solid ground and I collapsed. Gasping in air, my panic grew as I felt my lungs unable to expand. I was breathing faster and faster, my heart pounding, my mind reeling.
I felt the stones upon my skin as insults were screamed at me; felt Alrik's hands upon me, felt his blade pierce my flesh; felt the brand sear my skin; felt as I died in Haven; felt as my side was split open; felt as I tumbled into darkness, breaking upon the rocks; felt as I died beneath Solana's hands. I watched Minaeve die over and over again; Ellana pierced with arrows and hurt by Corypheus; my family, Cullen and Solana abandoning me.
Maker, help me! Hear my cry! Darkness descended over my eyes and I slipped away.

…

Blinking awake, I was in a strange place. Turning to one side, I saw what looked like a stream of water suspended in midair. Looking closer, it was not made of water, but memories—my memories—but I could make nothing of them. To the other side, mirrors and paintings; they, too, held my memories, but they were also blurry. Fear gripped my spine and I wrenched myself off the ground.
With a horrified gasp, my gaze fell upon something I had hoped never to see again: the cell. I stood before it paralyzed by terror. It was the cell Alrik had chained me within; perfectly remembered, every minute detail.
It was not the cell itself that terrified me, but the door within the back wall that should not have been there. A door that stood ajar. Beyond it was only darkness—a darkness that seemed alive and beckoned. A voice emanated from within, slithering along my mind.

"Come see, Meira. Come see the secret you've hidden away. The truth you have forgotten," it called. Before me, a shadowy figure appeared that radiated malice. I could discern nothing of it, except a hatred focused on me. It shifted as I heard a dark laugh.
"How pathetic." The figure began to circle me, a shadow blade in its hand. "Why he chooses you over me, I do not understand. You are weak. You only survived Haven because of me. Your power—your real power—comes from me. Embrace me, Meira. Let me in and you never have to suffer again."

"Who-who are you?" I questioned, my voice shaking.

The figure shifted again as it laughed. "You truly have forgotten, haven't you? I wonder…did you forget or did he makeyou forget?"

"Forget what?" I probed.

"Meira, don't talk to it!" Purpose's voice shouted, though he sounded far away. The figure hissed and disappeared.

With a gasp, I felt that shadow blade at my throat. "I should just kill you and be done with it."

"Meira!" Purpose shouted as he threw himself at the shadowy figure. It hissed and disappeared as he wrestled it to the ground. Heaving breaths, Purpose turned to me. He looked disheveled, as if he'd been fighting with something longer than just the past few moments. His gold eyes searched my face. "Are you alright?"

"Purpose, what…what is that?" I pointed at the cell, the door. "What is this place?"

"This is your inner self. Your piece of the Fade. You asked once if you could come here and I warned you away," Purpose gestured a hand at the cell. "This is why."

Rage burned through me at his words, the shame in his eyes. "How dare you." That rage burned and burned. That's it. It's his fault. I was shaking when I spoke.
"You knew something was wrong with me. Knew about this and you said nothing! You lied to me. What in the Void is this, Purpose? What are you?" I demanded.

His eyes remained downcast. "I did not lie to you, Meira. I just didn't tell you everything."

"You think that pardons you?" I spit.

"No," he shook his head. "You were not ready to know."

"'Not ready to know'? Who are you to tell me if I'm ready or not?" I demanded. "This is my inner self!"

"Meira, please," he begged. "I do not even understand this. All I know is that I had to protect you from it."

"What is it, Purpose?" I raged. "What is it?!"

"Oh yes, Purpose, do tell her. What am I? What. Am. I."

"Be silent!" Purpose roared.

"I think not. I think it time Meira decide. I think it time Meira look upon me. That she know." I felt a pull to the door and looked at it. That darkness within was leeching out, like vines upon the stone wall. I stayed frozen in place, shaking as terror flowed, ice in my veins.
As I stared at the door, a hand appeared like a claw upon the wood. The hand was nothing but skin and bone, knuckles white as the milky skin pulled taut. "Remember, Meira. Do not trust. Let me out. Let me help you."

"Meira, run. Run now. Wake up!" Purpose warned, fear in his voice.

I tried to move, to speak, to breathe, but I could do nothing save watch as that hand gripped harder, as if it were trying to pull the rest of its body out from behind the door. Purpose flew past me, screaming at me to wake up as he rushed the door.
An animalistic snarl echoed from the darkness; full of rage, hatred and pain. A part of me longed to go to it. Deep down a piece of me realizing what lay beyond the door; the rest of me recoiled in disgust, pushing away the truth.
Purpose drew his sword, slicing the hand that clawed at the door. It was drawn back into the darkness, the owner howling madly. The hand removed, Purpose slammed against the door, but something—someone—pushed back, trying to keep the door open.

"No! You will not keep me in here any longer. I will escape! Meira! Let me out! Let me out! Do not trust him!"

My eyes fell to Purpose, confusion clouding my mind. His gold eyes were wide as he looked at me, fear and shame in them. "Meira, you must go now!"

I swallowed, forcing my tongue to work. "Y-you said not to wake up, said my body wasn't ready." You still trust him? Fool!

"If you don't go now, it may not be you that wakes up!" Purpose pleaded. "Please, Meira! Wake up! Wake up!"

My eyes snapped open, my heart pounding in my chest. Unable to stop them from falling, tears streamed down my face. What was that? Maker, what has happened?
My mouth opening in a silent gasp, pain hit me with such force I wanted to cry out. Healed, I knew, but I felt every break, every cut, every injury I had suffered. Agony, agony was what I felt along every fiber of my being and I longed for the Fade. But it was shut to me, Purpose had slammed the door behind me. I was stuck, unconsciousness my only escape.
I couldn't move, I realized, my body unwilling to respond. Panicking, I looked around. I was in a tent, night beyond the slightly open flap. Braziers sat within and I was covered in a thick layer of furs. I looked to my side and wept with relief.
Cullen was perched on a chair, his eyes closed and chest moving with sleep. Papers sat upon his lap, one even clutched in his hand as if he'd been reading and drifted off. He looked exhausted, his face drawn. He had cuts that were healing, bruises as well. He was disheveled, his face now sporting a beard. His armor was ruined as well—burned, cracked, dented.
I heard a whimper to my other side and I shifted my eyes. A silver gaze met me, moons sitting within the face of a wolf. Seeing my eyes upon it, it lifted my hand with its wet nose and worked its head underneath. It's eyes met mine, intelligence within them as worry and care shone within its gaze. It whimpered again. I felt my fingers twitch as I tried to pet the animal's midnight fur. I tried again and my fingers moved, pain shooting through my arm.
I heard Cullen startle and I looked towards him. He was pinching the bridge of his nose, rubbing his eyelids. He blinked a few times and then his gold-flecked eyes found mine. It took a moment to register, but when he realized I was looking at him, his eyes widened.

"Meira?!" He breathed. Papers flew as he lunged to me. His hand gently took my other one, careful not to move it too much. Tears welled in my eyes again.
"Oh, Meira. Oh, my love. My darling." He placed a hand on my face, caressing my skin. Even that was painful, the lingering feel of cuts beneath the surface of my skin coming to the forefront of sensation. I closed my eyes tightly and he pulled his hand away.
"Forgive me, I'm sure you are still in pain." I opened my eyes again. I tried to swallow, to speak, but my tongue was stuck and my throat drier than sand.
Cullen glanced over me and seemed to discern what I needed. He stood, going to a small table that held a pitcher and goblet. He poured water into the goblet before coming to me. Gently as he could, though pain fractured through my being, he lifted me and helped me drink. It was painful at first, but after a few sips, I was able to swallow. He pulled the cup away before I was even close to sated.
"Slowly, my love. If you have too much to soon, you'll make yourself sick."

Trying to force my tongue to work, it unstuck from the roof of my mouth. "C…Cul-"

His eyes filled with love as he looked at me. "Hush, my darling. You need not push yourself. I am here. I'm going to take care of you. I will not leave you again."
I cried in earnest at his words, the promise in the last sentence. He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead, his lips featherlight upon my skin. "I love you. I love you so much."

"Cole was right!" Ellana's voice cried as she ripped back the tent flap, causing the wolf to jerk its head from under my hand and I winced in pain.
At the same time, Cullen wrenched himself up, stepping back as not only Ellana entered the then, but my entire family. Ellana ran to the cot, but stopped herself from throwing her arms around me.
"Praise be to the Creators!" She knelt at my side, taking Cullen's place. "We feared…it's been weeks." Weeks? I'd been asleep for weeks? "I know Purpose said you needed time, but I did not think it would be so long."

I looked around at them all. I tried to speak again. "Wh-wh…"

"I should give you some time alone," Cullen stated, a slight blush on his cheeks as he met my father's eyes. Da was glaring at him, as was Mahanon and Tharen.

"Yes, you should," Da growled.

"That is unnecessary, Cullen," Ma shook her head. "You are more than welcome to stay."

"Thank you for your kind offer," Cullen bowed to Ma. "I will return later, but I should check in with the evening patrol. I will also wake Solana and send her to you." Cullen looked to me for a moment, mouthing an apology before ducking out of the tent.

"Would it truly be so difficult to be a little kinder to the man responsible for our daughters' return?" Ma scolded the men, Da particularly, who sheepishly looked away from her fierce gaze.

"Ir abelas, ma vhenan," Da apologized.

Ellana ignored them all, her eyes worriedly searching my face. "What's wrong, Meira?"

I tried to speak. "El…El," I stammered, my jaw hurting.

"Did you wake too soon?" Ellana questioned. "Blink twice for yes, once for no." I blinked twice. "Are you in pain?" I blinked twice. "Ir abelas. Solana will be here soon. Rest now."

The wolf whimpered and I looked to it. It licked my hand before coming to nuzzle my face. To my surprise, I felt as I calmed a fraction, it's presence soothing the roiling emotions within me.

"Talitha!" Solana shouted moments later, her voice nearly hysterical. Tears streamed down her pale face.
"Maker be praised! Oh, Maker be praised!" She fussed over me, checking vitals and asking questions after Ellana told her of how she had communicated with me. Producing a healing potion, she helped me to drink it. Instantly, I felt my pain ebb enough for me to relax.
"I will be back periodically to check on you and give you more potions. The most important thing for you to do is rest and drink fluids. If you become hungry, you are to have broth."

"We will care for her," Ma assured, placing a hand on Solana's arm.

Solana's brown eyes found mine. "I am so happy you've returned to us." Tears glistened in my eyes. I wanted to tell her how thankful I was for all she'd done, but I still could not form words.
"I know," Solana murmured. "There is no need to thank me. Solas is the one you need to thank." She smirked before adding, "And the Maker." My lips twitched as I tried to smile. "Rest now."

I watched as she left the tent. I looked over my family, they all wore expressions of relief. I wondered what had happened while I slept that they would all gather here. I looked to Ellana who was watching me.

"I suppose I should catch you up on what you've missed?" I blinked twice. "Very well, but tell me if you get tired."

As Ellana recounted everything that had happened, I watched as my family relaxed over time. Laren, Arlen and Mahanon played with Fioren and Camlen. Theran, Sanar and Da talked in low voices. Ma looked after me as Ellana talked. I was touched as Ma brushed my hair, wiped my face with a damp cloth, helped me drink water and even looked after the wolf.
I listened, trying to use Ellana as a distraction from what had occurred in the Fade. Solas had told her of a place that the Inquisition could occupy that would house not only our current force, but give us room to grow—a place that would meet all of our needs and then some. She had led us north, following Solas's guidance. Further into the mountains they'd traveled, but only after remaining in the camp I had seen for a couple of days.
Leliana and Cullen had sent people back to Haven once Leliana's scouts had confirmed it empty. The Chargers had joined to aid in gathering information on the enemy forces. They'd scavenged all that they could, even finding a few surviving horses and druffalo despite Dennet's assumption that they had all been killed. They'd been able to pull what supplies they'd found back up the mountain, relieving some stress at our alarmingly low stock.
Once that had been done, any injured that were unable to walk had been loaded onto carts. From what I gathered, the worst of the injured that Solana and the others had been unable to heal in time, had perished within the first few days—the cold of the mountains too much for them. Eventually, Asaala, Bethany and I were the only ones remaining of the severely injured. They'd had to hold several vigils, but had decided that a mass ceremony honoring the dead would need to occur once safety was reached.
Anger and determination had grown within the Inquisition with each death, each grueling day spent within the mountains. Ellana herself seemed changed to me—hardened, but in a way that assured me that she was ready to lead these people. That was another piece of news that she reluctantly told me: the advisors had offered her the position of Inquisitor. Nervous as she was, I could tell even as she seemed uncertain, that she was going to accept. That she was reluctant was obvious, but at the same time she knew she would have no one else hold that seat of power. Nor would I. I was happy for her, proud of her.
We had reached the castle—for that's what it was—a week ago. Ellana was excited to talk of it: Skyhold. The castle was massive, beautiful and touched by magic. Unfortunately, it was in severe disrepair; so much so that we were camped along the partially frozen river that ran at the base of the castle. They had begun clearing out what they could, but progress was slow. Rebuilding was going to take time, money and experts. For now, we were to rest, gather ourselves and Leliana's people were sending word to our allies as carefully and quietly as they could of our survival and new location.
Ellana believed us safe for the time being as watchtowers lined the pathway up to the castle and Cullen had seen to soldiers being stationed at each one; scrap wood made available to light the signal fires should our enemy appear. Ellana did not fear that happening as it seemed we had lost them in our travels. Anger burned in her eyes at the mention of our adversary.
With a wave of her hand, she moved on and smiled roguishly at me before whispering in my ear how doting Cullen had been in his care for me. Of course, he tried to be sneaky about it, but gossip was burning through the camp that the Commander had fallen for the mage responsible for pulling the rebel mages into the fight at Haven. The same mage responsible for saving the Herald's life after she'd professed her love for the Commander. The same mage who'd run to the aid of the Herald and sealed the Commander inside the Chantry, preventing him from sacrificing himself as he'd promised to do.
Her eyes glittered as she told me of the tale that had been spun—how our fearless Herald had faced down the dragon and ancient darkspawn, her one, true friend at her side. Together, we'd beaten back our foe—and even death itself—for the Maker to deliver us to the safety of the mountains. Ellana had petted the wolf fondly as she told me that they'd given a tribute to the animal by proclaiming the Maker had sent the wolf to guide the Commander to where we'd fallen in the snow. She'd wiggled her brows as she added that it was now common knowledge how the Commander had wept over my broken body and professed his secret love for me.

"So now the assumption is that the Commander has been in love with you since he first met you, but being the honorable man that he is, he never pursued you for fear he would disappoint his men as you were a recruit under his command. Instead, whoever has been spreading the gossip has turned the entirety of the army into Cullen's personal support system," Ellana laughed.
"They cannot wait to see their Commander succeed in courting his love, so I'd advise against breaking his heart." She winked at me as Da groaned audibly. "Oh hush, Da. I've no doubt you've Varric to thank for all of it. I think seeing Cullen so distraught moved the dwarf to do this for you—even if Cullen is livid about it." She smiled wickedly.
"Needless to say, the dwarf has kept well away from the Commander whenever he's stalking through the camp. I've caught Varric hightailing it to his tent whenever he hears our surly Commander barking at the soldiers. I swear the dwarf is writing a book about you two as well—just wait until Cullen figures that out."

At that, a laugh escaped me, followed by a hiss at the pain. "N-n…not…quite…ready for…laughter."

Tears burst from Ellana as I spoke my first words since waking, my voice horribly rough. "You deserve every laugh, every smile, sister."

I smiled weakly at her, feeling my body slowly returning to my control. I was not ready to talk about anything that had occurred in the Fade, despite the questions burning in her eyes. "Go on."

"Where was I?" She told me what she could of the castle and I itched to see it, to draw it. Ellana smiled when I said as much. Standing, she walked over to the nearby table to pick something up. She gently placed my sketchbook on my lap. It was burnt in a few places, the leather scratched, but it was intact. "Cullen found it in Haven. I think he's rather fond of your first entry."

Blood pounded in my face at her words. "He…he saw…it?" I remembered that drawing being so intimate in its captured emotion, that I'd never wanted him to see it.

"I don't think I've ever seen a male cry so much," Mahanon groaned. "It was disgraceful."

"Shut it, Mahanon," Ellana bit. "He did not cry. He was merely speechless."

"Paint it however you'd like, cousin. It was shameful," Mahanon shrugged.

"How did he see it? How were you with him when he saw it?" I questioned.

It was Ellana's turn to blush. "Cullen suggested using you to draw out the ideas we had for when we go to rebuild. He—we—knew you'd want to be useful somehow even if…you're confined to bedrest for a time. The builders we have on hand would not take him at his word of your talent.
"Hoping to find some examples to submit to them, he went through your sketchbook. It was late in the night; it was my rotation to sit with you and Mahanon was with me to keep me company—and so I could keep an eye on his troublesome backside," Ellana shot a glare at Mahanon who smiled wolfishly in response. "Anyway, he opened it and just…stared."

"And when she asked him if something was wrong he was choked up, stammering and blushing like a virgin," Mahanon rolled his eyes.

"Not everyone can be so very male, cousin," I goaded him, anger rising at his scorn towards Cullen. "I've never known a more masculine male in my life. You might consider taking a few lessons."

Mahanon gaped at me before clenching his jaw and mumbling something unintelligible about 'shems' under his breath as Ellana laughed. "He can't argue with you sister. Not only did Cullen seem unfazed by Mahanon's blade to his throat, he demanded that Mahanon be allowed to stay with the Inquisition. Though, he did ensure that he delivered our cousin a fine thrashing during training the other morning."

"Fenedhis lasa, Ellana," Mahanon growled, his hazel eyes glaring.

"You brought it upon yourself, da'assan," Ma scolded. "Personally, I enjoyed seeing you knocked down a peg by a shem."

"Even you, Mamae?" Mahanon probed.

"Even I, da'len," Ma gave a nod.

Mahanon groaned. "By the Dread Wolf. I suppose that means I am to apologize to the man?"

"You can't bring yourself to do so?" Ma questioned. "You're unable to find any reason why you should?"

"Perhaps if M-Talitha tells us why she's the one in that cot and not him—or better yet why he isn't buried beneath the snow in Haven?" Mahanon's hazel eyes fell on me.

That rage peaked and I leveled an icy glare at him. "Because I love him with everything I have, cousin. He claimed me, heart and soul, a long time ago. I was faced with losing the two people I love the most in this world in one night. I chose to save the man who holds my heart and to fight at the side of the one who shares my soul in order to save her if I could.
"I chose to obey my Maker and sacrifice. And I would do it again. I would die again and again if it meant no one else had to suffer. He did everything he could to get to me, to try and stop me - I did seal him inside the Chantry."

The tent was silent at my confession. Ma and Ellana looked at me, their brows furrowing in worry. My brothers were either angry or surprised. Da's face was unreadable. Laren kept her eyes away from me, but Mahanon's eyes blazed.

Mahanon's stare became just as cold as mine as his lip curled back. "What?" I said nothing, only stared him down. "You…you love him? That shem? You…you let him…defile you?!"
I remained silent, I would not respond to such an accusation. Mahanon stood abruptly and stalked to me. Ellana came between us, but Mahanon barked at her in elven. "Is it true? Has that shem had you?"

My heart was pounding in my chest, my rage a beast uncoiling, and I forced my unwilling body to move. I would meet Mahanon standing. Grinding my teeth, my hand shook as I forced it to grip the covers before moving them off me. Give in, Meira.

"What are you doing? Stay in bed!" Ellana ordered.

I snapped at her. "No. If this male is going to accuse me of harlotry—is going to slander the man I love—I am going to meet his accusations standing."
I wrenched myself off the bed, swung my legs off the cot and bore my weight upon them as I stood. My entire body shook with the effort, pain racked my body, but I forced myself to stand tall.
I felt the pull of my bandages, the whisper of the simple shift I'd been dressed in like fire against my skin. Shame colored Mahanon's features, but he dared to stare me down. With a mere thought, I summoned a staff of ice to hold me up.
"Do not ever accuse him of anything less than the most honorable conduct towards me, as that is all that has occurred between us."

"Harellan," Mahanon swore and there were audible gasps throughout the tent.

Ellana snarled before raising a hand to slap Mahanon. With effort, I grabbed her wrist before her blow landed. "What did you call me?" I demanded of him.

"Traitor—you're a traitor to your kin for whoring yourself to a shem," he spit.

Unfazed, I gave him a flat look. "Did you not betray me first, cousin? Did not you all?"

His dark brows raised. "Th-that was not—"

I furrowed my brow and cocked my head. "—'Not the same', you say? I was cast from my clan to fend for myself because I made the mistake of being born with magic our Keeper could not handle.
"And how did she try to handle it? She used blood magic upon me—she used dark magic upon a defenseless child to alter their very being. And when it worked, she still cast me out. Did you come to look for me, cousin? Did you try to stop her? Call her a 'harellan' for turning her back on another of 'the people' in their time of need?" I asked as if I did not know the answers.
"No, no you didn't. Instead, you most likely praised her for fulfilling her duty as Keeper, for leading the clan as a Dalish Keeper should. Then you stayed in the clan, clung to your old hatred for past wrongs and cultivated your prejudices until all humans were the same." I narrowed my eyes at him.
"You see, you don't care about me—not really. You care about staying in the shadows, licking your festering wounds like a mutt, while snarling and snapping at any that would extend their hand to you. You would prefer to stay upon your hill and die there, for fear that if you took a moment to open your eyes to those you hate, you'd find you are not so dissimilar.
"You are the one looking for any excuse to hate Cullen because you fear that if you don't have that shield between you, you may actually come to like him. Then what of your firmly held beliefs? Your years of pain? Wouldn't they be meaningless? Better to whore yourself to hatred than to grow, no?" I took a shaky step towards him until I was in his face.
"Dirthara-ma." I let my eyes burn with the full intensity of my rage until he dropped his gaze.

"But…what of children?" Da's deep voice spoke, his dark eyes on me. "With him…any you have will be human."

"What of it? Would that make them any less worthy of love? If that is what you believe, then have you not just proven my argument? You would hold onto your prejudices so tightly you would deny love to your own grandchildren—your own daughter? What hatred is worth such a price? Can beauty not be born of pain?" I questioned. He clenched his jaw and looked away. "I doubt it will matter, if such a future ever comes."

"Wh-what do you mean?" Ma questioned.

I looked over my shoulder at her. The truth spilling out. "Foolishly, I held on to hope, but I know…my body was ruined. It would take a miracle for me to be able to bear children."

"Sister," Ellana breathed.

Despair threatened to swallow me and I collapsed back onto the cot. "Take heart, cousin. This traitor cannot further shame you by producing children. Another shem stole that likelihood from me years ago. And I can assure you, cousin, I had no choice in that defilement." Mahanon winced. "The blade that tried to sever me in two cemented it."

"Emm'asha," Ma murmured, her hand reaching out to me.

"I long for nothing more than for you all to be part of my life—to be my family. But I will not trade who I am for you," I stated. Full of sorrow, I kept my eyes away from them. "I would like to sleep now," I begged as Ma's broken voice called to me again.
Silence followed and I forced myself to swallow past the lump in my throat, the twisting in my heart. Maker, hear my cry.

"Daughter," Da spoke and I flicked my eyes up to him. "You speak with a wisdom beyond your years. We are the foolish ones here, not you. We are the traitors, not you." I was shocked.
"You have been different since the moment you were born. Touched by something unseen. A path before you that I could not predict. The moment I held you in my arms I knew I would lose you; that you would come to change me from within and without." Speechless I gaped at him.
"I cannot promise perfection, but…you are here and we are here for a reason. Perhaps it is the will of the Creators that we finally learn how to put the old hurts to rest. Perhaps you are the bridge that will allow us to do so."

Mahanon whipped towards him. "What?"

Da glared at him. "I have let your hatred rein free long enough, boy. I have never been so ashamed as I have been tonight. The words—the vile—you spewed at my daughter, at your cousin. Halam sahlin, Mahanon. That man could have—should have—demanded your life, imprisonment or at the very least, banishment. Instead, he spared you. What of your beliefs would have made you think that would happen?"

"That is not enough to—"

"—Mahanon, I am sorry for your parents," Da stated. "But nothing can bring them back. And your hatred is only poisoning you—it does nothing towards your supposed enemy. It is time for you to let it go. If you cannot, you need to dig a grave for yourself. If you cannot find it within you to move past it, then you need to return to the clan."

"Hahren," Mahanon breathed.

Da put up a hand. "That is the end of the matter. I give you three days, Mahanon, and that is me being generous. You will apologize to your cousin, to your family and to the Commander—before you make your decision. You will do this as a sign of respect for me. If you cannot, do not show your face to me again."

I gaped at Da, as did we all. Mahanon had his back to me for several heartbeats. Slowly, he turned and lowered himself to a knee before me. Taking my hand, he put his forehead to it. "Ir abelas, Talitha."

Raising a shaky hand, I placed it upon his head. "I forgive you, Mahanon."

He held my hand a moment longer before turning to Da. He placed a hand to his chest. "Ir abelas, Hahren."

Da nodded. "I want you all to leave us. I wish to speak with Talitha and her mother alone."

Moving quickly, the others left the tent. Ellana gripped my hand. "I will be back soon. My cot is in here with you." I nodded to her.

I was growing tired, standing before Mahanon had drained me utterly, but I knew Da had something important to say. He came towards me.
His hair was still cropped short as it had been when I was little, but it was peppered with silver—he was the only one of our family who's hair was short. He was strong, his skin swarthy even if it was decorated with wrinkles. His vallaslin represented June, god of the craft. He came closer and sat beside me on the cot.
Hesitantly, he reached a hand out and placed it on my cheek. "Can you ever forgive me, my daughter? I failed in my duty to you. I was to protect you, to love you, to sacrifice for you. Instead—"

"—Da, it is already forgiven," I murmured. "I only said what I did to try and open your eyes. I know you regret what happened. That you did what you could to protect me. It is behind us."

Da looked to Ma. "We want nothing more than to be part of your life as well. If you'll have us."

"And Cullen?" I questioned.

Da's jaw clenched, but Ma laughed. "The boy is determined, I'll give him that."

"Why? What happened?" I questioned, looking between them.

"He told us of what you asked him to do," Ma stated.

"'What I asked him to do'?" I quirked a brow.

"The boy asked us if he could court you," Da grumbled. "As I understand, that is the human version of bonding. He says he's gotten a second chance to do it properly. The first step was coming to us."

A joyful laugh burst from my lips and I hissed again as my stomach contracted painfully. "He…he really asked?"

Ma nodded. "Your siblings know nothing of this," Da stated. "And they won't for the time being."

"Then you…you accepted?" I probed, hardly believing it.

"On one condition," Da warned. "The boy has to pass the Hearthkeeper's Trials."

"The what?"

"The Dalish bonding tradition for males to prove they are ready—and worthy—of matrimony," Ma explained.

"No," I shook my head. "You're not going to force him to do that. He is Andrastian, you're asking him to pay heed to an elven god."

"Cullen agreed to pay your father respect this way," Ma stated.

"But I would not ask that of him," Da stated. "He is human, it would dishonor Sylaise. Instead, we devised a plan for the trials to happen in way that is not only more befitting of a human, but would train his soldiers and boost morale."

"How so?" I questioned.

"That is a secret, I'm afraid," Da grinned, mischief in his dark eyes.

"Did…did he agree?" I flicked my gaze between the two of them.

"Immediately," Ma informed me.

"Until then, he is to keep his hands to himself," Da threatened, half-heartedly.

A smirk pulled on my mouth. "If you said that to him, I can guarantee he'll listen."

"Well then, maybe there's something I can like about the shem," Da grumbled.

"Is that why you asked about children?" I inquired.

"Partially, but mostly I wanted to know what you would say," Da admitted. "If you said we would not be part of your life if we couldn't let go…I could not bear that. I've lived too much of my life with a piece of my heart missing."

"Feldor," Ma breathed.

Da looked to her. "Ir abelas, ma vhenan. I have watched you suffer in silence for long enough. The day I took her from you…I watched a part of you die. Your smile has not been as bright, your eyes not so full of life. We had child after child, but none could fill the void left in your soul."

Ma let out a sob at Da's words. "Ma sa'lath."

Tears came to my eyes at his words. "You…you missed me?"

A sad smile pulled Da's mouth. "We mourned for you, da'len. Every night. I in silence, as your mother sobbed in my arms, a pain I could not describe in her cries." He wiped the tears from my cheeks that I did not realize had fallen.
"I will not ask her to be parted from you ever again. We are so proud of you, da'len. We could not have asked for you to grow into a more beautiful female." At that, they encircled me in their arms and I felt a deep longing in me ease. "Forgive this old man for being set in his ways, I will try to be nice to your shem."

I chuckled as they pulled away. "That's at least a step in the right direction."

"We'll let you sleep now," Ma stated. "May I…may I spend time with you tomorrow?"

I smiled gently at her. "I would like that…Ma."

…

Sleep would not come as I was too afraid to fall asleep and enter the Fade; too furious with Prupose to want to see his face. Instead, I turned everything over in my mind. What was that thing behind the door? It was malicious, malevolent even that much was certain, but it was not a demon - I felt no pain at its presence.
Purpose had known of it, seemed to hint that it could take me over, but not like possession. I had felt drawn to it, a piece of me even pitied it. And what was this anger in me? Anger was not foreign to me, but to be so quick to it, so easily enraged? I'd wanted to rip Mahanon apart with my hands. Purpose and Faith both said it was an effect of everything I'd been through, but was that all?
The wolf whimpered at me and laid its head upon the cot. I ran a shaky hand over its bristly fur. It was both soft and wiry.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Solana barked when she entered the tent. Her hair was braided down her back, her coffee eyes had dark circles beneath them. She looked pale and drawn, her shoulders slumped. Behind her, I noticed Solas ducking gracefully into the tent.

"I…couldn't sleep," I admitted. "Too much on my mind."

Solana looked at me in surprise. "You got your voice back."

"I did," I smiled sheepishly. "Then I used it to tear Mahanon to shreds."

Solana snorted. "Good. That male has been insufferable."

"Surely you can understand his predicament, Solana?" Solas questioned. "Too long have his people suffered at the hands of humans, it was inevitable that he would blame the Commander if his loved ones came to harm."

"That does not excuse it, Solas," Solana argued.

"I did not say it excuses it, I simply mean to say that you can understand it," Solas clarified. "Especially, since his hatred is a reflection of your hatred for the templars."

Before Solana could react, I spoke. "It runs deeper than care for Ellana or I," I stated, my voice angry. "If it was care for us alone that motivated him, then he would not have been so quick to turn his sharp tongue on me."

Solas quirked a brow. "You are upset."

"At this point, I have been through the Abyss itself, Solas," I sighed. "I'm way past upset."

The elf chuckled. "Understandable. But be sure to point your newfound motivation at our adversary."

I clenched my jaw. "When I get my body back, I can assure you I will do just that."

Solana met my eyes, a flicker of concern in them, as she checked me over. "Are you alright?"

I looked away from her. "I'm alright."

Solana placed a hand on my shoulder. "You are not alright." I met her knowing stare. "If you're not ready to talk about it, I understand, but do not pretend that everything is alright."

I looked away from her again, but gave her a curt nod.

"That is why I came, Solana," Solas stated. "If you are finished, I would speak with Talitha alone."

I looked at him curious, but could garner nothing from his enigmatic features.

"I am finished," Solana stated after she helped me drink another healing potion. "But nothing taxing, Solas. Whatever you've been doing has taken its toll, Talitha. You are to rest and stay in this bed until I say otherwise."

"I will see that she is well tended," Solas assured. Solana gripped my shoulder before she left. Solas stood at the foot of my cot, his blue-gray eyes studying me. He pursed his lips a moment before he spoke. "Purpose came to me, as did Cole."

I clenched my jaw at the mention of the spirit. "I don't want to talk about Purpose."

"I will not ask you to," Solas clasped his hands behind his back. "All I ask is this: resume drinking the potion. I will speak with Solana about how to increase its strength. He believes it dangerous for you to return until you are more adequately prepared and I share his belief. That is the second thing I ask: As soon as you are well enough, you are to come with me so that I may train you and we can solve this mystery."

I glanced up at him. "Did he tell you about…it?"

"Somewhat," Solas admitted. "I will admit to some curiosity."

"So, you do not know what it is either?" I probed.

"I am afraid I do not," Solas shook his head. "This may be a matter that is not just of a spiritual nature, but what it is—that I cannot say for certain." He chuckled. "It seems we host two anomalies within our camp—first Cole and now you."

"What do you mean?"

"Cole is a spirit and yet he looks like a young man," Solas explained. "He is human, yet possess the nature and abilities of a spirit. An enigma to be sure. And you…you are a mystery, Talitha. One I am frustrated by, but moreover I see that you are beginning to buckle beneath the weight of all that has fallen upon your shoulders." He gave a small smile. "Even more, I see how it is affecting your sister and she has asked that I help you."

"How noble," I snorted, anger rising. The wolf's ear twitched as its silver eyes glanced to me. "Help me that you may bed my sister, is that it?"

Solas narrowed his eyes. "I did not realize you held so low an opinion of me."

I sighed. "I don't, Solas. Forgive me, that was untoward. I'm just…overwhelmed."

"And I am offering to help you," Solas chastised.

"I know, Solas," I murmured. "Thank you."

He gave a nod, his eyes falling to the wolf. "Another mystery."

"What is?" I quirked a brow.

"The wolf," Solas nodded toward the animal. "She came to you of her own volition. Guided us to you and Ellana. Cullen mentioned that you saved a wolf when you were accompanying him to Dennet's farmland?"

"I did, yes," I nodded. "You believe she is the same wolf?"

"What do you sense?"

I looked to the wolf, sensing something. "I believe she is; there is a familiarity to her."

"Her name is Ghilani," Cole spoke as he appeared, petting the wolf. "She has been trying to find you. Her pack was killed by the demon, her pups too. Alone and afraid, she sought the kind female that saved her life. Cullen's soldiers frightened her, so she stayed away. Then, she knew you needed help—she smelled your blood." Ghilani licked Cole's hand. "She is happy now."

"It was once considered a great honor to befriend a wolf," Solas stated. "I am surprised your family is not more wary of her, as wolves have become a symbol of the hated god, Fen'Harel."

"I suppose she proved herself a friend when she helped save our lives," I shrugged.

"True," Solas smirked. "Ghilani—to guide."

"Oh, forgive me," Cullen's voice came as he ducked inside, bowls of something steaming in his hands. Cole disappeared.

"You are welcome, Cullen," Solas turned to him, giving a slight bow. "I was just leaving." His stormy eyes turned back to me. "I will speak with Solana." I gave him a nod before he slipped outside.

Cullen stood there, his cheeks flushed as he smiled at me softly. "Forgive me for taking so long, love. There was more that needed my attention than I realized." His lips twitched. "One would think the late hour would call for a lighter work load."

"For you? I doubt it," I joked. "Have you gotten any sleep?"

"Does the minutes before you woke count?" He quirked a brow, trying to remain humorous even as I heard his voice thicken, his eyes warming at hearing my voice.

"I suppose for the Commander it does," I shrugged. "I was informed that I have you to thank for getting and staying warm. You didn't find time to sleep during that…assistance?"

His blush deepened. "I…yes, I did—keep you warm, that is. As for sleep…no."

"I'm just sorry I was asleep for it," I teased.

"Maker's breath," he breathed.

"I love you," I chuckled. His gaze turned smoldering as he came to sit on the edge of the cot. Setting the bowls down on the nearby table, he took my hands in his, his skin freezing despite holding the warm bowls.
Unease twisted in my gut and my mind flashed to his panicked face before I had sealed him inside the Chantry. I dropped my gaze. "Can you forgive me, Cullen?"

He leaned forward, tipping my chin gently with his fingers. His voice was husky as he spoke, "It will cost you."

I quirked a brow, my stomach fluttering. "Oh?"

"Mmm," he hummed, my heart pounding as he leaned closer. He stopped a breath away from my lips. "You must be hungry?"

"No, I'm not really," I said, truthfully. I was too overwhelmed to eat.

"I'm afraid I'm under orders." He leaned to grab one of the bowls. "Solana demanded that my visits be productive. You are to either be eating or I am to help challenge you mentally and physically, but not too much." At my obvious pout, he smirked. "You eat all of this and I'll reward you with a kiss. You don't…" He thought for a moment, his eyes flicking over me. "I'll have to think of a way to discipline you."

"Cullen," I growled, my cheeks heating.

"Forgive me, love," He chuckled, "but I must give you some sort of motivation to get better quickly." He stirred the broth with a bent spoon before ladling some up. Holding it before me, his eyes danced with mischief.

"Oh, very well," I sighed as I opened my mouth for him to feed me. For it being a simple broth, it was quite good. They must have found someone who could cook amongst the survivors. "You're going to enjoy this aren't you?"

He held up another spoonful. His gaze turned virile as he studied me boldly. "If I must admit it, I already have, my darling."

"And here I vouched to my father that you're a man of propriety," I looked off to the side. "I believe his exact words were 'He is to keep his hands off until then'. Am I to tell him you do not intend to follow his wishes? That you asked for their permission under false pretenses?"

Cullen went red. "Maker's breath, he…he said that?"

I quirked a brow. "Did he not say as much to you?"

"N-not in those…exact words…no."

I chuckled. "What did he say?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. "I am to prove myself in the Hearthkeeper's Trials. If I succeed, he will recognize my—our—bond. Until that time, I am to treat you with the utmost honor."

I bit my lip to keep from smiling. "'Bond'?"

His blush spread down to his neck and to the tips of his ears. "Y…yes."

"Cullen Stanton Rutherford," I chuckled and his eyes found mine. "You do realize that you asked my father for permission to marry me? That he's putting you through the trials so that you can marry me?"

His gaze burned with emotion as he leaned towards me. "Yes."

Surprised at the ease with which he said it, I blushed. "Oh."

Setting the bowl down, he took my hands in his, his grip both firm and gentle. "Meira, I…thought I lost you—again. You…the Maker brought you back to us—to me. I-I've a second chance, Meira…to…to do this properly—if you'll have me."

Confused, I asked, "What do you mean 'properly'?"

Shifting uncomfortably, he looked away. "I fear I have…not treated you with the honor you deserve."

I cocked my head. "Why?"

"I fear…that is—I know I have…"

I could tell he was struggling with what he wanted to say. I laced my fingers through his. "What is it, my love?"

At that he looked at me. "I fear I've…been using you instead of loving you." I watched as he swallowed thickly.

Taking a moment to process what he was saying, I blinked. "'Using me'?"

He shifted again, looking away. "Physically."

I blushed before squeezing his hand. "Cullen, you have done no such thing."

"Are you certain?" The question was quiet, but full of shame.

I leaned forward until I caught his eye. "What is this really about?"

Closing his eyes tight, he let out a deep breath. "I saw…Meira, I saw them. I…I tried not to look, but…"

Nausea rolled in my gut and I tried to pull my hand away, but his grip became a vice. "You are nothing like him, Cullen." Are you sure? My heart skipped at hearing that voice. I shut my eyes tight.

"Meira," Cullen breathed and I met his eyes, pushing away that voice. "I do not say this to hurt you or to…bring up bad memories. Nor do I say it meaning that I am like…that monster. I-I'm simply trying to say that I do not want to…that is, that I want our…I want this to be…everything you've ever dreamed of—ever hoped for." He tipped my chin up, his eyes bronze as they burned.
"I want to give you everything." He lifted my hand and planted a light kiss on my palm before placing it flush with his cheek. His eyes closed as he pressed my hand against his bearded skin and for a moment I saw all the pain I had caused him, causing a lump to form in my throat. In an effort to comfort him, I ran my thumb along his cheek.
"For now, I am asking if you would…that is, if you…Maker's breath." He clenched his jaw. "You know I am a fool when it comes to words. What I want to say eludes me and never comes out right."

"Cullen," I breathed. "I would." He glanced up at me through his lashes. "And know that you have done nothing wrong, but I understand what you are saying…and what you're wanting to give me. I would love nothing more."

Turning his gold-flecked eyes to me, he placed a hand on my cheek before leaning forward to put his forehead to mine. "I love you. Always."

My heart fluttering as he repeated my words, that lump in my throat only grew. "As I love you."

…

CULLEN

"How are things coming along, Commander?" Josephine questioned at my left.

We were holding our first meeting in weeks since arriving at Skyhold, too busy with everything to hold a formal meeting. We'd kept each other informed through runners, but things had reached such a position that we needed to actually speak with each other. We stood around the worm-eaten door sat upon a stack of crates that I'd commandeered as a desk. Soldiers bustled about the bailey, hauling stone and various debris.
Excavation had been a slow process at first, fear that the castle was in such disrepair that any shifting of weight could cause sections to collapse. Leliana had ferreted out a dwarven stonemason from within our surviving people. Trained in Orzammar, Gatsi had proven a valuable asset in rebuilding the castle. Far more openminded than any of the human stonemasons we'd had on hand and far more educated, even if he did have an abrasive personality. Varric had joked that was what branded a dwarf from Orazammar, the inability to lighten up—too afraid they'd fall into the sky.
After that joke, the dwarf had remembered he was talking to me and ran before I could kill him with my bare hands. Little did he know, I was truly in his debt—and I had no doubt Leliana and Ellana's as well. Since gossip had spread amongst the soldiers, I'd had no end to jeers about when they'd get to meet my fine lady, Rylen quick to encourage them. Despite, the weight lifted off my shoulders at their acceptance, I was still embarrassed by our relationship being known about; even more so, talked about.
Warmth pooled in my gut as I thought about Meira and I knew that I'd be more upset if there was nothing for people to talk about. A nagging worry pulled at me that something was wrong, not between us, but with Meira. There were times I caught her looking terrified, going pale and shaking. Whenever I asked her about it, she would pass it off as pain from recovery or recalling what occurred in Haven; both explanations I believed, but I suspected there was more to it than that.

"Commander?" Josephine questioned again, pulling me from my reverie.

"We've men out scouting the area," I informed them. "Thus far, all reports I've received say we've no enemies beyond mountain predators. We need more excavation done before we can begin moving people inside, but what paths we have made have allowed soldiers up on the intact battlements. Stonemason Gatsi's initial reports are promising, but we'll have more of an idea once we get further inside. What of your efforts, Lady Ambassador?"

"We've promises of aid flooding in, Mistress Lavellan's prediction was correct. Word of our survival—and our enemy—has only bolstered the people's faith in our cause. Sovereigns and soldiers will soon be on their way to us," Josephine smiled, warming her exhausted face. "Lady Vivienne has brought a matter to my attention that I believe we should heed."

"Which is?" Leliana questioned.

"A tailor and for Harrit to smith new armor for everyone," Josephine stated, her stance saying she was awaiting our arguments. "She says we must keep up appearances and I agree. The people, specifically the faithful, need to be reassured of the Inquisition's stability. The heads of the Inquisition and our soldiers being in rags will not sit well for those seeking comfort—and that unease will spread to our more…fortunate backers."

Irritation flooded through me and I clenched my jaw. "Surely those more 'fortunate' backers can understand our current predicament? That we have more important things to worry about than our appearance?"

"Says the man who has still been styling his hair," Leliana cooed. Before I could argue, she continued: "I agree Josie, but I would instruct we wait for the most opportune moment. We clothe ourselves in fine materials too soon and our people will think us frivolous and more concerned with money than faith. Too late, and their trust in us will wane. We must keep up appearances yes, but we must show that we care for our people first."

"I will wait for you to inform me when you think it is time," Josephine nodded her head. "In the meantime, perhaps we should employ someone to plan our wardrobes? I know Lady Solana has skill in this area, but with Mistress Talitha soon to take on her role and Mistress Bethany…"

"Perhaps it is time we assign positions to some of newer recruits?" Leliana mused. "We will need to find replacements for…those we lost in Haven."

"Is now really the time?" Josephine questioned. "Surely we should give some time as a sign of respect for those who lost their lives?"

"Of course, Ambassador, but we can select and prepare those who will fill those roles for when it is time," I stated. "They must be adequately prepared and we cannot be without our infrastructure much longer."

"Do you have suggestions?" Josephine questioned.

We delved into conversation of who seemed most suited to what jobs and were thankful that most of those who had perished had apprentices that could easily step into their shoes. Minaeve had been training the young Tranquil woman Meira had saved from the rogue templars—Helisma Derington. The woman was bright and had a focus that only Tranquil could possess.
We would have to find a few healers as Solana could not carry the weight on her own, Meira would be stepping into her new role soon and with Bethany…Bethany had woken a few days prior, but had been refusing to see anyone or eat anything. We all understood and had decided to give her the time she needed. Solana and Meira both seemed affected by Bethany's state, but neither could be of any help to her.
A cook had been found, having volunteered on the road to Skyhold and producing better fare than we'd had in months. I'd considered the woman a miracle worker as she'd had nothing to work with and still managed food that tasted wonderful and lifted the spirits. Josephine had wanted to hire on an Orlesian chef, I'd suggested she could do so once we had money to spare, but the cook we had currently had more than proven herself.
A new requisition officer would be needed and no immediate prospects came to mind. Josephine volunteered to look for someone as she believed they would need to have connections to truly help us flourish. The list went on and on: builders, masons, carpenters, historians, cooks, servants, runners, stablemen, cleaners, launderers. Growing exhausted with the endless list we changed topics.

"What of Lavellan?" I questioned. "Any word yet as to her decision?"

"She and Cassandra are to join our meeting momentarily," Leliana stated. "I did not think they'd need to be included in these earlier discussions. Cassandra has expressed her interest in stepping back from leadership and focusing her efforts on locating the Seekers and reforming the Templar Order."

"She has?" I questioned.

Leliana's blue eyes fell to me. "She feels that Ellana is the right choice for Inquisitor and once she is the head of leadership, Cassandra feels she will simply be another voice adding to the confusion."

"I hope she does not think that's how we felt," Josephine murmured. "Lady Pentaghast could be a difficult woman, but I always valued her input."

"Surely she could continue to provide advice?" I probed. "It is because of her and you, Sister Nightengale, that the Inquisition even exists."

"I am sure she will readily advise the Inquisitor when asked," Leliana assured. "As for joining us in our meetings, she says she has had her fill. She is ready to focus on fieldwork and feels that the mystery that is the disappearance of the Seekers is going to require all of her attention—when she is not assisting the Herald."

"She could have at least told me," I grumbled.

"Afraid to be alone with us, Commander?" Leliana chuckled. "I promise we don't bite…much."

Josephine laughed. "Leliana."

"Maker's breath," I scratched my neck at their teasing. "I'm afraid of being outnumbered in more straightforward solutions to the problems we will be asked to face."

"Don't worry, Commander," Ellana's voice spoke from behind us. "I promise the Inquisitor will reward you like the good Fereldan you are." Her voice bit, but I could tell she was genuinely teasing me.

"I am not a mabari," I growled.

"No?" The ladies laughed.

"Then you accept?" Leliana questioned Ellana. "You've decided to become the Inquisitor?"

Ellana let out a breath, squaring her shoulders. "I have. On one condition."

"Which is?" Leliana probed.

"When I am away and the Inquisitor is needed or there are things that require my attention, Talitha is to act with my full authority," Ellana stated. "Once I am fully recovered and the Inquisition resumes its duties, it is inevitable that my time away and the length of that time away will only increase. There will be things that cannot wait for my return to be seen to—I entrust Talitha with the responsibilities of the Inquisitor when I am gone."

"I suppose even you should have a legate," Josephine mused, "But what of her positions as Mage Ambassador and leader of the mage battalion? Do you believe she will be able to balance all of those roles?"

"I believe her more than capable," Ellana defended her sister. "But restrict her inquisitorial duties to only that which absolutely require my attention when I am gone—immediate attention. Anything that can wait or does not truly need me to see to it, do not bother her."

"What of visiting dignitaries?" Josephine probed. "There will be those who wish to meet with you."

"I trust my Ambassador to handle such situations," Ellana smiled warmly at Josephine. "People need to understand that the Inquisitor is a leader of action. I will not sit within my castle while others do the work. I will lead from the front—I must, for only I can seal rifts. If there must be meetings, they will wait until I am among these halls and I will meet them at my leisure."

"We must keep our patrons happy," Josephine warned.

"I understand, Josephine," Ellana nodded. "But if I am not here, the Inquisitor cannot miraculously appear. It is one thing when we are both present or both absent to switch, but for one to be absent and then suddenly present—people would catch on quickly."

"The Herald is correct Josie," Leliana gave a slight nod. "We will only be able to utilize their special talent in the most precise circumstances now. The whole of the Inquisition will be aware when its Inquisitor is gone and when she is present. And now with the rumors of the Commander's love affair spreading, Talitha will be unable to remain in obscurity. We will have to be careful."

"Are you saying this is my fault?" I protested as Ellana and Josephine chuckled, my face heating. "And it is not a 'love affair'!"

Leliana's lips twitched. "Fine, the Commander's 'infatuation'."

"It's not that either!" I barked.

"The Commander's amour?" Leliana quirked a brow, she was clearly enjoying this as her eyes glittered mischievously. "Courtship? Devotion? Passion? Seduction? I did promise Varric to think of—"

"—Maker's breath," I said through clenched teeth. "May we please focus?"

Josephine and Ellana were laughing openly, earning some glances from the soldiers milling about. Smiles pulled on their discouraged faces which would have eased the weight in my chest had it not been at my expense.

"Excellent," Josephine smiled broadly to Ellana. "We will set a date for announcing you as Inquisitor once you are more recovered and our rebuilding is further along. Our people will be most pleased. The people of Thedas even more so."

"Everyone has so much faith in my leadership. I hope I'm ready," Ellana admitted, uncertainty in her voice.

"You won't have to carry the Inquisition alone. Although it must feel like it," I offered. "We need a leader and you have proven yourself."

"Thank you, Cullen," she nodded.

"We are with you, Inquisitor," Josephine smiled.

"What do you need of me?" Ellana asked.

The rest of the day was spent discussing with her decisions to be made about personnel, building decisions, and the like. The meeting took up the majority of the day, the sun beginning to set once we finally came close to being finished. Ellana looked exhausted and I found my legs shaking beneath the weight of my armor.
A headache had developed a few hours before the conclusion of our discussion, making it hard to focus. Nausea was beginning to roll in my gut, the withdrawal symptoms returning with a vengeance over the last few days. Worried I would be sick, I prayed the meeting could end. In an attempt to end it, I presented the last thing on my list.

"One last thing," I stated. "We need an infirmary. Bethany, Asaala and Talitha will all have long recoveries ahead of them according to Solana and she could use a better workspace. There are soldiers as well that have been injured in our excavation efforts that would be better served by a healer within the castle walls."

"Where would you suggest?" Ellana questioned.

I unrolled the sketches that Gatsi had made, though the dwarf claimed he was a poor artist. I had to agree, he did not have Meira's eye nor graceful hand, but his depictions served well enough. My blush renewed when I thought of her drawing of me, a smile threatening to spread on my lips. I cleared my throat.
"The armory will be here. This building must have served as the mess hall and could easily serve as that again." I moved my finger to a building that had been demolished either by war or the ravages of time. "This would serve well, I believe. It is protected, but also in a strategic location." I pointed to the section of the wall that was completely demolished. A tower had sat in its middle.
"I believe we should rebuild this tower to house the mages; that way, healers will have a quick route all over the castle once this walkway is rebuilt. Until then, I would put a few sickbeds and supplies here." I moved my finger down to the gatehouseS.
"There are two gatehouses, one to either side of the main gate. One can serve as temporary quarters for our soldiers, the other can serve as an infirmary until the official one can be built." I looked up to Ellana, the headache pounding behind my eyes. "It is your decision, Herald."

Ellana glanced over the map and sketches. "It seems you've several ideas for the fortress, Commander."

I nodded. "I do. I will not make the same mistakes I did in Haven."

Ellana's jade eyes met my gaze. "I think your plan is solid, Commander. The sick and injured will be protected and the healers easier to reach. Getting some of our people moved in will help everyone to feel we are moving in the right direction."

"I agree," I nodded again. "May I also suggest we look outside the mages for medicinal aid? There is a surgeon who has been assisting Solana. If Haven and the aftermath taught us anything, it's that we should not rely on magic alone."

"That 'surgeon' has employed bloodletting in her services," Leliana stated. "I would prefer a mage and potions to a blade in an effort to heal me if I am sick."

"Perhaps apothecaries and alchemists, Commander? As opposed to fringe practices?" Josephine offered.

"It was a suggestion," I tucked my thumbs into my belt to hide the shaking.

Ellana seemed pensive before she opened her mouth. "What are we going to do for Bethany?"

Silence swept over us. Sighing, I spoke. "What can we do for her? As far as I am aware, there is no remedy for an amputated limb. She will have to use a crutch to get around. She will not be able to resume her duties as a healer or join the battalion." I clenched my jaw. I could not fight the guilt I felt—If I had not asked her to come, this would not have happened.

"What about an arcanist?" Leliana questioned.

"A what?" I asked.

"Arcanist," Leliana stated again. "There was a dwarf that Evelyn assisted in Orzammar. She was a smith interested in learning more of the arcane. When I became the Left Hand, I sent an agent to keep an eye on her progress. She has come to some fame—the first of her kind. She has found a way to combine smithing, magic, enchantment and runecrafting beyond anything thought possible.
"After Haven, I thought we could use a person of such talent—and I knew she was looking for work. I sent word asking if she would be interested." Leliana produced a letter.
"She is…eager to say the least. However, we must find an adequate workspace for her." Leliana turned to look up at the main hall. It was impressive, but the inside was a ruin, making it difficult to explore what all the structure had to offer. "Hopefully, there is more to be discovered."

"The armory will not suffice for her?" I questioned.

"She claims she needs a space that is…safely away from others," Leliana informed, her choice of words sending off warning bells.

"Maker! Are we to be concerned this dwarf might blow up our newly acquired fortress?" I asked.

Leliana glanced at me. "Only if we do not give her what she needs."

"You believe she could help Bethany?" Ellana questioned.

"Not only Bethany, but the Inquisition as a whole. What I have heard of her abilities…" Leliana trailed off. "She could open up endless possibilities."

"Get her here. Whatever it takes." Ellana commanded.

"You're not concerned about this?" I questioned.

"Not if she can help." Ellana shook her head.

I sighed. "Very well. I'll try not to worry about it."

"I believe we should call it a day," Josephine stated as she glanced at the sky. "I've several large contracts and negotiations to read over. I will have them summarized for you to read over," she stated to Ellana.

We said our goodbyes. I wanted to go straight to Meira, but I had too many things to see to before I could descend to the camp below. My whole body shaking, I rolled my neck and strode off to find Rylen, praying to the Maker I could keep the nausea down and the shaking hidden.

…

I stood before the amassing crowd of soldiers, pilgrims, new arrivals, mages and templars all waiting patiently within the lower bailey to watch Ellana accept the mantle of Inquisitor. The tension and excitement was palpable, the first spark of hope we'd felt in weeks.
Many more had succumbed to their injuries; too many had come to the realization that they would never be reunited with their loved ones. We'd had more accidents during excavation and rebuilding. Our slowed progress barring us from moving anyone up into the castle beyond the soldiers patrolling the walls and working to rebuild the fortress.
Some good news had come as we'd finally made our way into the castle proper finding it beyond what we could have hoped for in meeting our needs: a great hall, near endless sleeping quarters, a library of no mean size, an undercroft that had brought tears to Harrit's eyes as it made for the perfect forge—and a space for the arcanist —a large room with a massive table for any meeting we would hold and so many other secrets yet to be discovered. We had money coming in slowly, along with more and more people arriving to join the Inquisition. I prayed to the Maker that Ellana accepting the role would give morale the boost it sorely needed.
Murmuring began as we watched Ellana ascend the stairs and I felt a twinge of bittersweetness for Meira who had to stay below. Too weak to make the climb and the temporary infirmary still not ready, she had elected to stay below. Knowing it was foolish, I searched the crowd anyway sensing someone's stare. I saw the shift of fabric in my peripheral and turned, but where I had sworn someone had turned from my gaze stood only soldiers.
Then in the back, having to bite back a chuckle I saw them. Meira was red-faced as she was sat on Bull's shoulder, giving her a clear view over the crowd to see her sister named Inquisitor. I could only assume Ellana asked the qunari to carry Meira up and the grin plastered on his face told me he had been only too happy to do so. His single eye finding my stare, he winked. The whole of Ellana's inner circle was now aware of Meria's role and importance thanks to Bull's suggestion and with it had come more friendship and protection for Meira. I gave the male a nod of thanks and turned back to look up at where Ellana now stood.
Josephine stood at my side, reaching a hand out to grip my arm. I glanced at the woman to find a warm smile on her face and tears in her eyes. Of all of us leaders, Josephine had taken the loss of our people and Haven the hardest emotionally. To have Ellana returned and finding Skyhold had seemed to restore something in her that she had lost.
Understanding, I gazed up at Ellana. Feldor had produced armor for her to wear during the ceremony, armor he had crafted while he'd still been amongst the clan. It was the armor of a Dalish Keeper. It was stunning to look at, bespeaking both femininity and power.
Her face was solemn as she looked upon the sword Leliana held out to her; a ceremonial weapon indicating the role she was now accepting. It had been crafted well before Ellana was chosen to be Inquisitor, a representation of what the Inquisition would be: a powerful force for justice that would strike without mercy when called into battle, but when it was no longer needed, it would be sheathed.
Ellana reached for the blade, her hand shaking before she grasped the hilt. Holding it before her, she furrowed her brow before facing the crowd. Her eyes swept over the Inquisition, the fierce pride coloring her features making us all stand a little taller. My heart began to beat faster as Cassandra stepped forward. I was only too eager to salute to Ellana, who was quickly proving herself to be the leader we needed.

"Have our people been told?" Cassandra called to Josephine who stood at my side.

Josephine strode forward, shoulders back and head held high. "They have. And soon, the world."

"Commander, will they follow?" Cassandra shouted to me.

I turned to our soldiers, feeling the adrenaline and eagerness emanating off of them. Their eyes followed me, fierce and fiery. "Inquisition, will you follow?"
Without hesitation, they roared their approval, throwing their fists into the air in a sign of unanimous agreement. Not just our soldiers, but the mages, templars, and common folk. I raised my hands, asking them to shout louder.
"Will you fight?" I yelled, my heart pumping faster, like it did on the battlefield, clearing away the symptoms of withdrawal for one blessed moment. Lastly, I met their fierce gaze with my own, looking a few in the eye. I flicked my gaze to Meira and saw her watching me with open adoration.
Her gaze lighting a fire in my gut, I demanded of them all, "Will we triumph?"
Their echoing roar was deafening, shaking the ground beneath my feet. They were ready, I was ready and we had our leader. I went for my sword. Maker, be with us.
"Your leader. Your Herald. Your Inquisitor!" I shouted as I thrust my blade into the air in salute to Ellana. They shouted louder at my back, shaking me to my very bones.

Ellana raised her own blade as she looked at the sky. Bare your blade and raise it high. Look to the sky, for one day soon, the dawn will come. The crowd went positively wild in response.
Cassandra looked elated at the people's reaction. Leliana even cracked a smile. Their eyes met mine, imperceptible nods showing their approval. I gave them a nod back, but my eyes caught on a flash of gold in the sunlight.
Josephine had thrown her hand in the air, shouting at the top of her lungs. I gave her a quizzical look, never having witnessed such an outward display by the woman. She caught my eye and quickly dropped her hand, looking surprised by her own reaction. I smirked at her and she chuckled gaily, a self-deprecating smile on her face.
I turned to find Meira gazing at me, a lovely blush on her cheeks and admiration in her eyes. The adrenaline still pumping in my veins, I had to resist the urge to dash through the crowd, take her up in my arms and kiss her soundly. Instead, she gave me a nod to do what I had to before saying something in Bull's ear. Bull nodded, gently lowering her into his arms before turning to head back down to the camp. I caught the flicker of movement in my peripheral again, but as soon as I looked it was gone, swallowed by the still raucous crowd.
I turned to find Ellana still holding the sword in the air, but as the crowd quieted, she lowered it. Leliana had her return the blade to a velvet lined box, Cassandra tucking it under her arm, before Leliana waved Ellana up the stairs. Josephine and I climbed up to the castle proper, eager to finally see the inside ourselves. Two soldiers who stood guard outside, opened the heavy wooden doors for us.
My brows rose in surprise at the sheer size of it and simple beauty of the craftsmanship. It was still a mess, but there was no denying that this would be a place bespeaking power once it was finished. Stone walls and fireplaces, carved stone pillars, giant metal chandeliers, bronze braziers, flagstone flooring, and hand-carved doors.
Once opulent tapestries, wall hangings and rugs were draped about the room, but had since been moth-eaten, sun-faded and unraveled. At the back of the main hall a massive stained glass window took up most of the wall. Before the window, a dais sat, but was missing a throne.

I spun taking it all in, seeing what it could—would—become in my mind. "So, this is where it begins."

"It began in the courtyard," Leliana rebutted. "This is where we turn that promise into action."

"But what do we do?" Josephine questioned, her old board back in her hand and quill ready to write. "We know nothing about this 'Corypheus' except that he wanted your Mark."

Ellana looked at her marked hand, the green shining off the metal of her armor. Turning to face us, her brow was quizzical. "Could he strike at us here?" She turned her eyes to me. "We can't have a repeat of what happened in Haven."

A pang of guilt shooting through my chest, I looked her in the eyes. "Skyhold has the bones to withstand Corypheus. At the moment, I would bet against direct attack." I placed my hands on my pommel. "But I will ensure this castle is indeed a fortress, Inquisitor."

"We do have one advantage," Leliana stated. "We know what Corypheus intends to do next. In that strange future you experienced, Empress Celene had been assassinated. Those plans were confirmed at Therinfal."

"Imagine the chaos her death would cause," Josephine stated. "With his army…"

"An army he's growing. The envy demon gloated about a massive force of demons," I added.

"Corypheus could conquer the entire south of Thedas—god or no god," Josephine finished.

Leliana let out a deep sigh. "We know of one of his generals at least, but I'd feel better if we knew more about what we were dealing with."

"I know someone who could help with that," Varric's voice came from behind us, causing us all to turn. His russet eyes swept over us and I crossed my arms over my chest before scowling at him.
"Uh, everyone acting all inspirational jogged my memory, so I-I sent a message to an…old friend." Taking me off guard, I could tell the dwarf—for the first time since I'd known him—was genuinely nervous.
"She's crossed paths with Corypheus before and may know more about what he's doing. She can help."

"I'm always looking for new allies," Ellana stated. "Introduce me."

Varric looked behind him as if worried someone was going to attack him. "Uh…parading around might cause a fuss, it's better for you to meet privately first. On the battlements." I noticed Leliana and Josephine exchange a glance. I got a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach as my hair stood on end. "Trust me, it's complicated," he stated before throwing his hands up and leaving.

"Well then," Josephine cut in. "We stand ready to move on both of these concerns."

"On your order, Inquisitor," I saluted.

"I know one thing," Leliana began, her eyes on the dwarf. "If Varric has brought who I think he has, Cassandra is going to kill him."

Maker, no. Not Hawke. Anyone but Hawke.

…

"I could hardly believe it when Varric and Bethany told me," a voice I'd hoped never to hear again called from behind me. "And yet, here you are."

We were called to gather in the new War Room at Ellana's request after she had met with Varric's contact. I'd been the first to arrive, going over reports and placing markers while I waited for the others.
Turning and doing my utmost to hide my displeasure at seeing her again, I found Marian Hawke leaning against the door, her sharp eyes flicking over me. She had aged since I'd last seen her and her raven black hair was longer, but still choppy as it fell to her shoulders.

"Hawke," I nodded.

"Cullen," she smirked. "You look good." I did not miss the huskiness in her voice as she said those words.

I made a noncommittal noise and strode around the table, putting distance between us. "So, how do you know about Corypheus?"

"Straight to business, then?" Marian chuckled. "Ever the same."
Marian walked forward, her hips swaying as she did so. Spreading her hands out over the map of Thedas, she lowered herself down, no doubt trying to get me to look at her partially exposed bosom. In confirmation, her sapphire eyes flicked up to me, a dark brow quirked. I gave her a hard stare and she laughed before straightening.
"Forgive me, Cullen. I wanted to know if you were still the same blushing templar from Kirkwall." She put her hands on her hips. "It seems you've grown up a bit. She's a lucky woman, whomever she is. Will I get the pleasure of meeting her?"

"You already have," I raised my chin.

Her eyes flicked over me before a look of understanding crossed her features. "I see."

Unsure what to say, I shifted on my feet. Looking at Hawke and thinking of Meira only brought back memories of Meira in the cell, in her sorry state after and making her Tranquil. Like a sharp blade in my mind, those memories flashed before my eyes, causing my head to pound and vision to blur.
The floor rose to meet me and I had to grip the table to keep from buckling. The War Room door opening gave me time to recover. My vision cleared, the headache dulled, but my body shook in the wake of that attack. As I looked to Hawke, I was back in the Gallows and Meredith was before me, a petrified statue of red lyrium. I pinched the bridge of my nose, shutting my eyes tight until the vision passed.

"So it was you," Leliana chuckled. "I hope Varric hid himself somewhere safe."

Marian laughed. "I do apologize. This is long overdue."

"Lady Hawke," Josephine greeted.

"Just Hawke," Marian corrected.

"Erm…Hawke," Josephine said. "It is a pleasure to have you among us."

"I doubt your commander shares that sentiment," Marian laughed.

"Kirkwall is not at the top of my list of favorite places," I grumbled. "However, I welcome whatever assistance you can provide."

"You sure know how to warm a woman's heart, Commander," Hawke cooed. "I'm sure the ladies just swoon as you walk by."

"They do, not that he'd ever notice," Leliana smirked.

"Are you here for a reason, Hawke, or just to be as unserious as ever?" I growled.

"And here I thought we were friends," Hawke pouted, sticking out her full lower lip.

"Maker's breath," I swore.

"Besides, you've enough seriousness for all of us," Hawke smiled.

"I agree with the Commander," Ellana stated, her voice stern, "We do have a matter of some importance to discuss." I shot her a grateful look and she gave me a small nod.

"Of course," Marian nodded, her joking demeanor dropping entirely. "I may be able to help you."

"Varric said you fought Corypheus before," Ellana probed.

"Fought and killed," Marian clarified. "The Grey Wardens were holding him, and he somehow used his connection to the darkspawn to influence them. He was able to speak to their minds, turn them against each other. If the Wardens have disappeared, they could have fallen under his control again."

"So Corypheus has the Venatori, the Red Templars and now possibly the Wardens as well?" Ellana questioned, her voice angry. "Wonderful."

"I didn't come this far just to give you bad news," Marian crossed her arms over her chest. "I've got a friend in the Wardens. His name is Stroud. The last time we spoke, he was worried about corruption in the Warden ranks. When I mentioned Corypheus, he said he would investigate discreetly. Since then, nothing."

"Did Stroud disappear with the rest of them?" I questioned.

"No," Marian shook her head. "He told me he'd be hiding in an old smuggler's cave near Crestwood."

"Then we should go to find him as soon as possible," Ellana urged. "If he has any information on Corypheus, we cannot risk losing him."

"If Corypheus has corrupted the Wardens, it may be too late to save them," I grumbled.

"Corypheus is my responsibility," Marian curled her lip. "I thought I'd killed him before. This time, I'll make sure of it."

We spent the remainder of our time discussing travel plans for Ellana and going over other things she could see to on route to Crestwood. Scout Harding and her team were already in Crestwood after a request for aid had been sent due to the town being besieged by the undead. Harding had explained the situation as 'dire' and 'dismal'.
Word had also come that some of our soldiers had gone missing in the Fallow Mire after the attack on Haven and subsequent word of the Inquisition's survival spreading. Leliana's people had discovered that they were not missing, but being held captive by Avaar who wanted to challenge the Herald of Andraste.
Hawke stated that she would make her way discreetly to Crestwood and learn what she could. Well as would take the long way around and went through the Mire. I assured Ellana that I would send soldiers with her as the whole of the army was eager to see the captive soldiers safe return.
Through the whole of the meeting, I would catch Hawke's eyes on me, a curious look on her face. I ignored her, but couldn't fight the sensation of feeling exposed beneath her stare. Hawke had known me at my worst; had told Varric she was proud to know me when I'd turned against Meredith and seemed as confusing as ever. I had never been able to puzzle her out in Kirkwall, determining that she protected herself with humor and bold flirtation. I wondered what had happened to her in the years between our last meeting.

"It seems we're alone again," Marian murmured.

I blinked and realized everyone had left. A part of me had registered their movements, but I'd been too caught up in thoughts to react. "I had a few things I wanted to look over on my own," I stated, truthfully, to cover my staying behind.

Hawke came around the table and hoisted herself up, sitting on the edge with her legs crossed. She began to swing her foot, barely grazing my leg. "Are you sure that's all it is?"

"You said it yourself 'she's a lucky woman'. Do you now believe me single?"

Marian smiled coquettishly. "I'm not sure I believe you're with someone or if you just said that in hopes to deter me."

"Hawke," I stepped away from her. "What happened between you and Fenris?"

Her seductive demeanor dropped instantly at the elf male's name. "I don't want to talk about Fenris."

"I thought he -"

"I don't want to talk about him!" Marian ground out, her eyes looking away from me.

"Forgive me," I apologized. "What about you and Prince Sebastian?"

"Seb?" Marian quirked a brow, a dark chuckle coming from her mouth. "I was not…religious enough for him. We were never more than friends. Besides he and Bethany had more of an interest."

"Hawke, I'm sorry," I apologized. "But…I am taken."

"And here I'd gotten my hopes up that I'd have a second chance," Marian sighed. "I suppose I should be used to disappointment."

"You did live in Kirkwall at the same time as I. I certainly got used to disappointment."

"Unfortunately, I'm an eternal optimist," Marian shrugged as she hopped off the table.

"I guess that makes me an eternal pessimist," I quirked a brow.

Marian shook her head. "You may fool others, Curly, but as a fellow optimist, I know one when I see one."

I chuckled. "You may want to have a healer take a look at your eyes then."

Growing serous once more, Marian looked at me. "Bethany won't even see you?"

My mind working to switch gears, I shook my head. "She's refused to see anyone, even Varric. She won't eat either." I placed a hand on her shoulder. "Forgive me, Marian. She came at my request and…she fell to harm."

"You've nothing to apologize for, Cullen. She came because she chose to. I can't imagine what she's going through, but I will do all I can to help her."

"Maker turn his gaze on you," I offered.

"Thank you, Curly." Her eyes flicked up to my hair. "I miss the curls."

I chuckled. "I'm sure you're the only one."

"Cullen." I looked at her. She'd walked towards the doors to the War Room, but had stopped to look at me over her shoulder. My face fell at the sadness in her gaze. "I meant what I said. Whomever won your heart, she is a very lucky woman."

"I'm not sure how you can say that about the man you knew," I murmured, glancing away.

"The boy I knew was lost," Marian stated. "The man that stood up to Meredith was someone worth knowing."

…

"You're moving me?" Meira questioned, her dark brows knitted. I noticed the sweat at her hairline and felt my gut twist. Her hand was looped through my elbow as I helped walk her around her tent. Solana had ordered that she begin some light exercise to rebuild her strength. Meira tackled it without complaint.

"Yes," I stated. "We need Solana in quiker reach for those working on construction. That way you will also be safer."

"Where will you be?"

My heart skipping, I took her hand and kissed the back of it. "I will be in the tower above the additional gatehouse. I need to be in easier reach as well. Too much time is lost traveling up and down the path from the castle."

"So, you're just adding fodder to the rumor mill?" I could hear the laughter in her voice at the question. "The ex-templar Commander and the leader of the Mage Battalion, that will have people talking."

With Ellana officially named Inquisitor, she had awarded Meira her title on the grounds of her actions in Haven. Meira's first step as Ambassador was announcing the mage battalion. A joint effort—and mutual desire—between she and I for a battalion comprised entirely of mages to be trained and inserted into the army at my discretion. Ellana, of course, had given her approval, stating that Talitha would be at its head. Talitha would hold equal power to me in leading her battalion, falling under my authority only when the army as a whole was called upon to action.
Neither Fiona, Vivienne nor Barris had objected to Talitha's new position and first action, stating that she had earned the right to represent the mages when she rallied them to defend the Inquisition and further more when she risked her own life to save the Herald's. Barris had been named the templars' representative and the man had taken the title with an oath to help steer his brethren towards a righteous path once again.
We'd finally made progress and finished the makeshift infirmary, setup temporary barracks and I'd even found a space to make an office of within one of the towers overlooking the main gate. I had to use an indirect route that took me past the massive stables, but I didn't mind. I was able to speak with Dennet, check on our mounts and even spend time with Dennet's mabari.
Josephine had claimed the room directly before the War Room and Leliana had found an excellent spot for her and her birds at the top of the southernmost tower of the castle proper. Slowly, people were claiming their spots and making their way into the castle as more and more space was cleared out and deemed safe enough to inhabit.
The armory was the most functioning structure we had, which I was thankful for as it meant we'd be able to get our soldiers outfitted with better equipment soon. The mess hall remained unusable and several portions of the living quarters would need to be stabilized, but it was progress. We'd be able to resume a fast pace once Ellana and the others departed. She'd decided to take them all along as it sounded like Crestwood would need all hands on deck.
I'd staked my claim, but my continued visits to the camp down below only increased the amount of gossip and speculation concerning Talitha and I. While she was the main reason for my continued visits, people seemed to forget that we had soldiers and watchtowers spread out between Skyhold and the pass that was quickly becoming a main road.

"Maker's breath," I swore. "You wouldn't believe how quickly gossip spreads through the soldiers."

She was quiet for a moment. "Does it bother you?"

"I would rather my—our—private affairs remain that way," I admitted. Seeing I had worried her, I bent to kiss her cheek. "But if there were nothing here for people to talk about, I would regret it more."

She smiled warmly at me. "As would I." Her gaze lingered. "I rather like the beard."

I chuckled. "I do not intend to keep it." I wanted nothing more than to shave it, but my hands no longer had moments of steadiness. They shook constantly and I feared taking a blade to my face. "But I've found no time to shave."

"Why won't you keep it?"

"I…see my father when I look in the mirror," I murmured.

"And that's a bad thing?" Her groomed brow quirked, concern in her eyes.

"No…I don't know," I sighed. "I feel an odd sense of guilt."

"Cullen," she breathed. "What happened with your parents was not your fault."

"I know," I glanced away. "But I did not go to my siblings' aid when I should have."

"All you can do is try to take care of them now," she advised. "Have you received any word from them?"

Blanching as I realized I had not sent word of what happened in Haven, I shook my head. "No."

She squeezed my arm. "Do not lose hope. I'm sure Mia will write to you soon." She was starting to pant with the effort of walking, so I helped her back to the cot.

"Don't push yourself too hard, my darling," I breathed as I kissed her cheek. "You'll set any progress backwards."

"I know, but I'm tired of being in this infernal cot," she grumbled. "I'm ready to be doing things. I'm ready to train with Solas."

Unease stirred at the mention of her training with the elf male. I knew she needed to, but I also knew it would mean time apart. She still had not told me what had occurred between her and Purpose in the Fade, nor why she had resumed drinking the potion that prevented her from entering. I knew she had consulted Solas and Cole, but beyond that not even Ellana knew.
"I won't press you to talk with me about it, but if there is any way that I can help, you know you need only ask."

"I know, my love," she laced her fingers through mine and my gut tightened. I'd found new gloves as soon as I was able as I'd noticed she had begun to pull away whenever the cold skin of my hands met hers. I didn't think she did it consciously, but I had noticed.
Even with the thin leather between us, I adored the sensation of her hand in mine. Every time she held my hand, it was with a grip that told me she didn't want me to go anywhere and there was an odd assurance in it—even more so because it seemed to still the shaking, even if for just a moment.
"I just…I'm not ready to talk about it. I've only talked to Solas and Cole because they're so knowledgeable about the Fade. Please, do not think that it is because I do not trust you."

I could say nothing as I had yet to tell her about my no longer taking lyrium. She'd seemed so happy as of late, if a little quicker to anger than I'd noticed in her before, that I feared telling her would shatter that happiness. Perhaps it was the same for her—whatever had occurred in the Fade was not anything positive. I feared for her and had to bite my cheek to keep the questions from pouring out. I prayed to the Maker that she would be safe and well.
"You will tell me when you're ready, love. I am not going anywhere."

"And that is more reassuring than you know," she murmured.

I curled a stray hair behind her ear. "I should let you rest now." Giving a solemn nod, she laid back onto the cot. I pulled the furs around her and covered her feet. Brushing the hair back from her face, I bent to kiss her temple. "I will be here in the morning to take you up to the castle."

Her lids already heavy with sleep, she let out a deep breath. "I love you, Cullen."

The comfort in her voice as she spoke those words made my heart ache. "And I love you, Meira," I whispered in her ear, my lips grazing her skin.

Her lips twitched. "You know, you're really not supposed to call me that."

I let out a breathy chuckle and she shivered. "You should have realized by now that I'm not always the best at following rules."

"Why Commander, how scandalous," she murmured.

"Sleep now, love," I squeezed her hand before gently releasing it.

Standing, my joints aching and head pounding. I let out a slow breath from my nose. Tomorrow I would tell her. I would tell them both. Andraste, give me strength.

…

Word had spread of Cassandra's attempt to murder Varric for lying to her about Hawke. The ruckus they'd caused had been heard throughout the upper courtyard until Ellana had broken them up. Varric had all but disappeared within the castle, while Cassandra stalked everywhere with a murderous glare on her face.
She'd come to me after the fight, shouting about how foolish she'd been to believe the tale he'd spun for her. I had a nagging suspicion that it was due to the infatuation she had with Varric—which was obvious to everyone but herself and the dwarf. Agitated as well that the dwarf had kept Hawke away, but understanding his reasons for doing so, Cassandra stormed out of my office in a huff.
Hawke had sent word that Bethany had allowed her in and she was devastated for her sister. It was clear that Bethany felt the loss of her leg made her useless. Solana had had to sedate her twice to keep her from drastic actions. Now finally allowing herself to process what the future would look like and the promise of the Arcanist possibly being able to help her, Bethany clung to hope. Solana, Bethany and Hawke took some time to get to know each other, finding the familial tie they shared—however distant—a comfort.
Collapsing into my chair after reading Hawke's note, feeling my entire body ache, I knew it was time. I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to dispel the headache to no avail. "Legate," I barked.

The dwarven woman, Sela, entered through the side door and came to attention. "Yes, Commander?"

"Send word to the Inquisitor and Ambassador Talitha that I need to speak with them. Immediately."

"Right away, Commander." I watched as she left before sighing heavily and straightening.

The desk the tower had contained was large, but even with its size, it was covered in parchment: reports, maps, letters, duty rosters, guard rotations and the like. The rest of the tower was just as disorganized. Books and scrolls scattered everywhere, a bookcase that desperately needed to be repaired, a pile of broken boards to one corner, the ladder to the loft above in the other. I'd shoved everything off to the sides in order to make room for the soldiers during debriefings. It was spacious and once it was cleaned up, it'd be a decent enough place to call my own, but it would have to wait.
My joints protesting, I climbed the ladder to the loft above. Grimacing at the bed that was still evidence to the intensity of my nightmares before I'd gone to collect Meira, I walked to the chest shoved against the nearby wall. Sitting atop my few surviving belongings, I grabbed the box of my lyrium rations and returned below.
I set the box down atop the desk and simply stared at it. Feeling my arms shake with the effort of holding me up, the thirst, the exhaustion and my nightmares flashing before my eyes, I swallowed thickly.
The nightmares had changed. Now, instead of the demon hurting me, I only saw Meira. Carving me open, clawing my skin, violating me as they had or I would see me doing horrific things to her in the name of love.
Then it'd shift and I'd just watch as she died over and over again—me unable to do anything as invisible chains held me down. I'd wake, a scream stuck in my throat, sweat pouring over my body, my mind unable to remember where or even who I was for a few terrifying moments. I'd gasp in air, trying to fight the tears until the words finally came.
My name is Cullen Rutherford. I am the Commander of the Inquisition. I am in love with Meira Lavellan and she loves me. I am safe. She is safe. The Maker brought us back together. The Maker called me away from the Order. For that reason, I gave up lyrium. Maker, though the darkness comes upon me, I shall embrace the Light. I shall weather the storm. I shall endure.
I heard their footsteps as they entered. Ellana had entered first, her graceful gait barely making a sound. The heavy footfalls of Bull sounded behind her along with the whisper of fabric as he set Meira down. Ghilani's padded feet sounded on the stone, a huff as she sat.
Bull said something to me, but I couldn't hear him over the song whispering from the open container before me. The door hinges squeaked as it shut. The only sound in the room the lyrium song, its rhythm in cadence with my heartbeat. I forced myself to look up at them.

"As leader of the Inquisition—and her representative—you…," I sighed heavily before forcing myself to stand straight. Missing the support of the desk, my hands shaking in earnest, I placed them on my sword pommel. "There's something I must tell you."

"Alright," Ellana spoke, her voice suspicious. Meira exchanged a glance with her, just as confused as her sister. I realized she'd most likely forgotten the conversation we'd been in the middle of prior to the attack on Haven.

Unable to bear the weight of my armor on my back, I leaned forward once more, bracing myself on the desk. The light of the candles and the sun streaming in from the windows burned my eyes, the song of the lyrium and the song from their mana pounded in my head. I forced myself to continue, pushing back the withdrawal.
"Lyrium grants templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer—some go mad, others die." My headache peaked, nausea rolling in my gut. I took a deep breath in and out before continuing.
"We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the templars here. But I…no longer take it."

"You stopped?" Meira's voice questioned, a tinge of fear in her words.

I could not bring myself to look at them, feeling that I had been dishonest with the both of them as I was finally telling them the truth. My next words revealed the depth of my deception:"When I joined the Inquisition. It's been months now."

"Months?!" Ellana snapped. "You didn't think to tell me this sooner?" Her question came not from a place of friendship, but as a leader to her subordinate.

"Has it mattered?" I demanded.

"I don't know. Has it?" She spit, venom in her words. After a pause, her voice softened. "I know we've discussed eliminating lyrium before, but why are you doing this? Why now when we've no plan for how to go about it?"

"After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't…" At those words, I finally lifted my head, the pain subsiding for a moment. I kept my eyes trained on Ellana, unable to bear whatever lay in Meira's gaze. I had to confess it all first.
"I will not be bound to the Order—or that life—any longer." I straightened, my hands on my sword once more. "Whatever the suffering, I accept it." Ellana's eyes narrowed.
"But I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to…watch me." Catching myself from saying evaluate me as that would lead to more questions that I did not have the strength to answer. The pain lanced through me once more, but I pushed on. "If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty."

"Are you in pain?" Meira's gentle voice asked. My heart twisted at the fragility of it and I looked at her. There was anger there, but worry and love as well.

I stood straighter. "I can endure it." It was a promise. There was a subtle shift in her features, but what, I could not discern. I looked back to Ellana.

"You should not have done this in the first place," she growled.

"Ellana!" Meira protested.

Ellana put up a hand. "This is not the time. You would have my full support after the Inquisition has defeated Corypheus."

"I have to do this," I argued, my hands tightening on my sword. "I believe in this Inquisition, but I would serve out of loyalty. Not blind obedience." Never again.

Ellana was taken aback at my words. "I didn't mean…" Embarrassed, she apologized, "I'm sorry, Cullen. I would have that as well." She was quiet for a moment. "I know you would not have done this unless you felt it absolutely necessary."

"The Inquistion's army must always take priority," I assured. "Should anything happen…I will defer to Casandra's judgment."

"I will trust you both in this matter," Ellana nodded. She looked back at her sister. Meira's gaze was intent upon me. "I will give you two a moment. I need to speak with Bull about our preparations for our travels."

I nodded to her as she turned to leave. Ellana gripped Meria's hand a moment before exiting. I looked at her, waiting for whatever it was she needed to say. I saw anger rising in her and prepared myself for her rage. She was justified in it, but still, I feared what she would say.

"You're not going to apologize?" She demanded. "You've had opportunity after opportunity to tell me. You have kept me in the dark about what you're going through and lied to me."

"I did not lie to you," I shook my head.

"Don't you dare give me that, Cullen," she growled. "You lied by omission. I have been sitting for months worrying about what was happening to you as I watched you lose weight, felt as your hands shook, your skin growing colder and exhaustion obvious on your face. Your nightmares have gotten worse —the servants and soldiers whisper about your screams at night. I have been out of my mind with worry!"

"And how do you think I feel, Talitha?" I raised my voice. "You are keeping something from me as well! Yes, you're at least forthcoming in that you're admitting to not telling me, but I must still sit in silent agony as I see you suffer day by day."

"I can't explain that to you, Cullen!" Tears were in her eyes.

"Why?" I begged. "Why can't you tell me?"

She clenched her jaw. "I do not fully understand what is happening, but…it has everything to do with that cell in Kirkwall." Her knuckles were white as she closed her hands into fists.
"Something happened to me and dying after Haven…it unlocked a secret that I had buried within myself. To come to the answer—to explain it to you—I fear it will mean telling you everything that happened while I was locked away."
Her eyes shone as she looked at me. She had lost weight, the simple shift she still wore because her skin was overly sensitive hanging off her, her high cheekbones prominent and eyes sunken in. What she looked like after coming out of the cell flashed before my eyes and I found myself genuinely afraid. "Don't ask that of me, Cullen. I can't…I can't." She was on the verge of sobbing.

Ignoring the pain in my legs, I rushed for her as her knees buckled. Catching her in my arms, I hushed her. "I would neverask that of you, my darling. I just wanted you to know that I see you."

"And I see you, my love." Her voice was shaking and I felt her trembling. Maker, please help her. Andraste, give me the strength to be the strength she needs. I felt her push against my arms and I loosened my grip. She straightened, her jade eyes finding mine. She placed her hands on my face.
"And loving you means shouldering your every burden, your every pain, your every fear. It means holding your hand through every failure, every success. Praying for your every dream, your every hope. Loving you means challenging you, supporting you, caring for you, comforting you and seeking only that which is best for you."

"Meira—"

She put a finger to my lips. "I fully support your giving up lyrium, but you need not suffer beyond what cannot be helped."

"This is how I atone, Meira."

"To the Void with that," she growled. "You atone through your actions—putting aside old prejudices, helping to reform the templars, leading the Inquisition's forces—not by imposing this pain on yourself and refusing relief. That is twisted. Suffering does not equate salvation, Cullen. The Maker decides what trials we face, not us. There are things to help you with the pain and you will use them."

I saw that there would be no arguing with her. "Very well." I looked into her eyes. "Then you will do the same."

She blinked. "But I…I don't know what to do."

"Talk to Solana. Talk to Solas." I curled a hair behind her ear. "As soon as you feel well enough, go with Solas to train so you can defeat whatever it is that haunts you."

She looked into my eyes. "No more secrets. When I can explain what is happening, I will."

"No more," I agreed.

---

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