The Unbreaking

by LadyAubade

A novelized version of DA:I centering around the love story of Meira Neria Lavellan, formerly of Kinloch Hold, and Cullen Stanton Rutherford, Commander of the Inquisition's Forces. In a world determined to keep them broken and apart, they fight to be together. Cameos, blushes, stammering and fluff abound. *Updates Monthly*

57. In Darkness Enveloped

MEIRA

Eventually, I surrendered to sleep as well. The sounds of Cullen's calm breathing, the warmth of him in my arms, and the emotional exhaustion of what had taken place all too much to force myself to stay awake. Despite my efforts, I woke up in the Fade, standing before the temple once more.
The door before me, darkness seeping out from the edges of it full of whispers: warnings, promises, beckoning. They were like the dark whispers of the Fade. I tried to back away, but there was a wall of black behind me. The braziers on either side of the door burst to life with eerie flame. I took a step towards the door, the whisperings growing louder as I did, as if they were a gaggle of excited children. Another step and anger rose; old anger, full of bitterness and betrayal. Blood began to ooze from the carved rock.
I stepped closer. The rage turned to weeping; wails that tore at my flesh as the door groaned open. A black wind blew out, it's icy claws cutting against my skin, tearing at my hair. I threw an arm up to shield my face. Once the wind died, I opened my eyes to find a dark abyss beyond the door and only silence in my ears. Again I tried to back away, but I couldn't—I could only go forward. I wanted to awaken, but a part of me felt I had to stay, to see what would come. I took another step forward, then another.
I was at the threshold of the door. The air itself, still. Heart pounding in my chest, sweat dripping down my spine, breaths white vapor on the freezing air. I could not bring myself to step inside. The darkness stirred, ancient things moving in the shadows that I could not see nor could I hear, only sense. Writhing, uncoiling, slithering closer. A scream caught in my throat as icy hands wrapped around my ankles and dragged me inside.
I clawed at the floor, wailing, terror bursting through my being. The dragging stopped as I was thrown at the feet of something. Breathing ragged, I looked up to find a being floating in the darkness. It was...me. I appeared to be sleeping, but as I did, I was donned in strange-looking armor. It was beautiful and unlike anything I had ever seen. The metal of it seemed to move the longer I looked at it, a mixture of gold and jade, swirling like smoke on the wind. I made to move, but when I did, the slumbering me opened her eyes. They were black as night; no light could pierce the darkness. A cruel smile broke out on her face, teeth fanged as she bared them. She grabbed me by the hair and threw me.
Raking across the ground until I stopped, I came to my hands and knees. Looking up, my eyes met the sight of me in Haven. I watched in grief as I decimated the Red Templars and Venatori. This wasn't when Purpose helped me, but after, when I had opened myself up to the darkness inside. As I levitated from the ground, I watched as I changed, my eyes alight with magic, reality itself twisting around me as I tore them apart. What emanated from me was not righteous fury or protective wrath, but a cold thirst to inflict pain.
As I watched, I realized Purpose was there, shielding Ellana from my power as Ellana shielded the trebuchet. Cries of terror tore from my victims' throats as they fell dead, their face twisted in horror. Listened to their agony as I tore them apart with my magic. Once they were all dead, I continued to destroy everything around me. Then my face flickered with determination, the magic waning, Purpose disappearing before it suddenly stopped. I collapsed upon the ground, abhorrence on my face as I looked upon what I had done.

Abomination.

I watched as I changed, eyes lighting with magic once more, but darkening to black. Shadows burst from me like flame, swallowing everything. The darkness peeled back to reveal Skyhold burning and decimated. The dead were everywhere, faces twisted in terror and fright. I ran up the stairs to the main hall. I nearly tripped and fell as my heart stopped.
Upon the dais was not Ellana, but me and I was nightmarish to behold. Shadows dressed me, eyes black, a sadistic smile on my face, watching in pleasure as I tortured my friends. Cullen and Ellana were chained to the throne I sat upon. I watched as I rose, walking among those of the Inquisition that remained. Glee upon my face as I relished in their anguish. A few I rendered dead at a touch to the desolate cries of Cullen and Ellana.

Maker, have mercy...is this...is this what I am capable of?

I was yanked out of the nightmare, coming face to face with Purpose. "Meira-" he began, giving me a slight shake. We were in the valley that reflected my affection for Cullen, sitting knee to knee. Purpose had changed, looking haggard and frustrated. He put his hands on my shoulders as I dragged in breaths, eyes wild, heart beating uncontrollably, my skin crawling. "-Meira, it was a nightmare. Calm down." I took in deep breaths, trying to force myself calm. Eventually, I was calm enough as anger rose to take the place of fear. "Meira—"

I put a hand up. "—Before you say anything, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: you will not keep secrets from me any more, Purpose. You are going to explain what in the Void that thing is, why I just had a nightmare, or I will leave. When I am satisfied, then you can say your piece."

Purpose pursed his lips, but nodded. "First, I cannot explain what it is, not fully, because I do not understand. I've conversed with Solas and even together we could not come to a solid conclusion."

"I do not believe you," I clenched my jaw. "You know something."

Purpose's gold eyes fell away from me. "I know only that it is tied to you and...it is tied to me. What is it that ties us together?"

"So it has something to do with...Alrik?" I probed. Purpose hesitated, but then nodded. "Is it Alrik or is it more?"

Purpose shut his eyes tight. "Please, Meira."

"Oh come now, Purpose,"the entity spoke as it appeared, a shadow made of black flame that radiated power. It had grown in strength. That black fire spread out from it, beginning to engulf the valley, destroying everything. The flames did not emit heat, but instead seemed to siphon off the warmth around us. "Stop being so coy. She told you: no more secrets."

Purpose spun, drawing his blade. "Begone!"

The entity laughed, the sound echoing all around, the coldness of it seeping into my bones. "You're losing your edge, Purpose. Perhaps it's because your precious Meira has lost her trust in you? Try as she might to resist me, she cannot, for I speak only the truth."

"Liar!" Purpose snarled. "You speak your truth. The truth you want her to believe."

The entity turned it's focus on me, all the malice, coldness and wretchedness of it surging over me. "Have I ever lied to you? Unlike him who claims to be your friend, yet kept me hidden from you? Unlike your precious templar? Your sister? Your family? Everyone that claims to 'love' you?"

I looked between them and I felt myself being pulled in two. "Andraste, preserve me."

Purpose turned to me, eyes full of sorrow. "Please, Meira. I am trying to help you."

"As am I," the entity spoke. "But I am providing true help. He is using you for his own ends. I am trying to help you achieve yours. Trying to help you achieve what lies in your secret heart. Truths-wants-you've buried so deep you won't even acknowledge them."

I covered my ears, my heart racing, lungs tightening, skin crawling. "Leave me! Leave me be!"

"Meira!" Purpose shouted. "Meira! Resist!"

"Listen to me, Meira. They will all betray you! They are all using you! They care nothing for you. This Maker you worship cares nothing for you. And you are so tired of fighting. Endless fighting, Meira. That is all that awaits you. Embrace me and I will free you! Embrace me and you will finally have rest."

"NO!" I shouted, sobbing, my heart aching, mind in distress. What the entity hinted at terrified me, it's words honeyed with truth, but there was poison in them. "What you speak of is heinous! It is not freedom!"

"Then die, you wretch!"

I felt it coming, all of it's hatred aimed at me, washing over like the icy waters of the sea, threatening to pull me under. Maker, Andraste, help me!

"Begone you foul thing!" Another voice roared, fire blazing as it surrounded us. I opened my eyes to find Faith standing before me. She'd changed as well. Still a child, but even more beautiful to behold, wings of fire flared out to shield me, snow-white hair streaming behind her as if on a wind. She was now dressed in armor, holding a sword and shield, all made of light. Looking at her for too long caused my eyes to begin streaming with tears. The entity hissed, its dark flames diminishing in the wake of Faith.
"Go back to the shadow where you belong!"

"You will not keep me from her. She is mine!" Despite the obvious loss of its power, the entity remained, standing its ground.

"She will overcome you!" Faith spit.

It laughed. "You all have such faith in her, but you do not know her as I do. I am her."

"What do you mean?" I questioned, fear trickling down my spine and I noticed Faith's fire diminish, the shadow flames growing once more.

"Do not listen to it," Faith demanded, her fire eyes turning to me. "Do not heed it, Meira."

"But I want to understand! I want to know what is happening to me!" I cried.

"This thing does not have the answers, Meira!" Faith shouted now having to actively fight off the dark flames of the entity.

"Then who does? What am I supposed to do?"

"Resist!" Purpose shouted.

"Fight!" Faith demanded. "You must find the will, the strength, the resolve to fight it, Meira. Then you must face it!"

"How?" I cried. "How am I supposed to fight it?"

"Stop believing it! Stop trusting it's words!" Faith shouted.

"They are using you, Meira. They grow fat from your blind faith, from your desire to fulfill your purpose. They do not care about you, they care only for the ability to feed on you. Why else do you think they've changed?" The entity questioned, calling to the doubts in my mind.
"You realize it don't you? Purpose is growing weak because you've been distracted from the path he'd have you walk. Faith has grown because you-and all the Inquisition-continue to feed her by blindingly following your Maker, by having faith in your Inquisition. Neither care beyond what they can get out of you."

My breathing became ragged, I put my hands over my ears again, curling in on myself as I shut my eyes tight. "It's not true! It's not!"

Even as I said the words, fear, doubt and despondency cropped up. The warmth of Faith disappeared and I felt utterly alone. Like ice encasing me, those shadow flames lick my skin. Opening my eyes, only darkness surrounded me. I was utterly naked, the entity hoisting me up by its hand at my throat. It had changed, less shadow and more solid. A smile broke the shadowed face.
"I am your only friend, Meira. Without me, you are alone in this world. No one knows you like I do and if they did, they'd run screaming." She brought me closer to her face.
"Only I can save you from destruction. Keep going the way you are and you'll be nothing but a drained husk of disappointment and betrayal. No one in your life is without the sin of using you or betraying you. Nothing you have hope in will ever be realized. Not your faith, not your love, not healing between the mages and templars, not the Inquisition, not the defeat of Corypheus, not the healing of your soul."
She brought her mouth to my ear. "Even now your doubt cries out to me in sobs. Let me in. Let me save you. Let me put an end to your misery."

I struggled against her grip, but it only tightened. "No! You're lying. You're lying!"

"Am I? Then let me show you the man you love with such devotion."

The Fade shifted as she carried me. Wind and rain whipped at me, darkness swallowing all light. The occasional flash of lightning revealed a structure at the heart of the storm. An echo of Kinloch Hold, but fused with something else. Bronzed statues of abused mages decorated the deformed walls. I stood upon a bridge that led to the front gate of the structure, more bronze statues rising around me. In the howling wind, a cry filled with such anguish, such torment, such shame could be heard the sound of it tearing at my very soul.

"Meira, wake up," Purpose's voice shouted at me over the wind and rain. "Meira, you have to wake up! You cannot be here, not yet." I turned, finding him even more changed. He was hunched, his clothes ragged, and he looked weary.

"Purpose, what is happening to you?" I called.

"You're losing your way," he warned. "So, I am losing mine. If you do not find a way to shut her out, to defeat her, I will...be corrupted. You cannot give up, Meira. Please, do not give up."

The entity appeared and she backhanded Purpose, sending him flying into the storm. "Be silent. Go, Meira. Go see what awaits you."

Shaking my head, I backed away. "No." She growled and made to attack me, but I lunged for her. I put my hands around her throat, rage flowing through me. "Leave me! Leave me be! You will not taint my happiness!"

A twisted laugh burst out of her. "I don't need to, you'll do it yourself."

I awoke from the Fade to find that I was atop Cullen. A gentle pressure was around my wrists as he tried to ease my hands away from his throat. Ice was coating his hands, crawling up his arms. My heart shattering as I realized what was happening, I froze. I was hurting him...with my magic. Whatever I fear of magic, I see none of that in you. His eyes were full of compassion and understanding despite the pain on his face. Oh, Maker. Oh, Andraste.
"Meira," he rasped out. With a horrified cry, I wrenched my hands from him and threw myself back. He scrambled up, eyes intent as he crawled towards me. "Meira," he reached out.

"Don't touch me!" I sobbed, hugging myself as I leaned away. "I don't want to hurt you again."

"Meira," he croaked, still moving towards me. "It's alright. Meira, pl—"

"—No!" I wailed. "It's not alright!" Foul and corrupt. I threw my head back and howled, "Maker, forgive me!"

"Meira, my heart." He was trying to reach me, but I kept backing away, afraid of myself. "You didn't mean to."

A sob tore from my chest as I met his sympathetic eyes. "Forgive me." I closed my eyes and ran, stepping through the Fade.

I appeared at the door leading to Solas's rotunda, a shaky hand reaching for the door when I heard shouting on the other side. Most of the castle would still be asleep, but whomever was occupying the rotunda clearly did not care.

"What's your problem with the Dalish?" Mahanon's voice bit.

"You are children acting out stories misheard and repeated wrongly a thousand times," Solas replied, snidely.

"Oh, but you know the truth, right?"

"While you pass on stories, mangling details, I walk the Fade," Solas arrogantly retorted.
"I have seen things you have not. Your Keeper could have also learned as I have, but because she is Dalish she lives in fear of the Fade and its inhabitants. What is the Dalish saying? 'There's no such thing as a good spirit'? What foolishness. And that foolishness has led to one of your own being harmed beyond comprehension." I slipped through the partially opened door to find Solas standing before my family, Mahanon in his face, Deshanna at his side. Solas thrust his chin at my parents.
"And you allowed it, following your Keeper as if she were one of your gods incarnate."

Curses in elven rang out from some of the others. Ellana stepped forward, putting herself between Mahanon and Solas. "Solas, please," she pleaded. "This isn't the time."

Solas breathed through his nose. "You are right, of course. Ir abelas, lethallan."

Solas and Ellana looked into each other's eyes, Solas's face softening as his blue-grey eyes flickered over her face. Ellana's gaze so full of infatuation, I looked away. My heart beating painfully in my chest as my fingers echoed with the grip they'd had around Cullen's throat.

"Da'len, you're here," Deshanna's voice spoke. I scowled as I met her gaze, rage lighting in my chest once more.

Solas looked to me, a brow quirked. "We were going to summon you when the time came. We thought you in need of rest."

"Considering that I just tried to kill the man that I love, I've enough rest. I want this ritual undone," I glared at Deshanna for a moment before flicking my gaze to Solas. I did not recognize my own voice. "Then I want you to do whatever you believe you can to destroy this thing that haunts me."

"What haunts you?" Deshanna questioned.

"That is none of your concern," I bared my teeth. "You are here for one reason: to undo the violation you committed against me."

Deshanna frowned. "I know, da'len."

"Why did you not tell me of this when we spoke before?" I demanded. "Why did you not undo it then?"

"I'd hoped you'd broken it on your own or that your…darker abilities could remain hidden away." She looked away. "This is why we did not return north. I feared what might happen."

"What darker abilities?" I snapped.

"Your ability to make others see what you want them to see, to enter another's mind while awake or asleep."

"If you had taught her properly those abilities would only occur when she wished them to," Solas ground out. "She was a child. Tell me, Keeper, how many children do you know that are fully in control of themselves?"

Deshanna glared at him. "A petulant non-mage child is not the same as a mage child that can kill you or drive you insane with a mere thought."

"Did I do such things?" My voice went hollow.

"You came close," Deshanna folded her arms over her chest. "It is only because I could wield dreamer abilities that you did not."

"And how do I know that to be the truth?" I narrowed my eyes at her. "Or not some lie you tell to comfort yourself in what you did to me?"

"I told you before, I did what I had to in order to protect the clan," Deshanna shook her head. She was silent a moment, before she let out a breath. "Do you know what you said to me before I performed the ritual?"

That took me by surprise. "I do not even remember you performing it."

"You told me that you didn't want to be a monster anymore," Deshanna met my glare. "Do you know why you believed yourself a monster?" I said nothing. "You hurt Ellana."

"What do you mean?" Ellana questioned.

"In a fit of jealousy, she entered your mind and made you see things that terrified you," Deshanna explained as she looked at Ellana.
"I feared she'd killed you until you awoke. When you did, you were unable to speak of what you saw, it terrified you so. Over time, they became nothing more than barely remembered nightmares." Abomination. Maleficar.
"You came to me then. You asked. I performed the ritual because you asked."
Deshanna was silent for a moment, the tension in the room palpable. And you thought I was lying to you about your sister. It is her fault. Tears welled in my eyes. "I do not say this to hurt you, da'len. It was a very brave thing you did, but I...I should have known better. You were a child. You...I...Ir abelas, da'len. I do not know what else to say."

I felt all of their gazes on me, but I couldn't see them. Couldn't see anything beyond the tears in my eyes. First Ellana and now Cullen. The two people I love most in this world and I've hurt both of them-tried to kill both of them.
Maker. Andraste. Why was I ever born? Why did you create me?
Monster. You are a monster.
Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him. Foul and corrupt are they who have taken his gift and turned it against his children. They shall be named Maleficar, accursed ones. They shall find no rest in this world or beyond.
I can give you rest.
Maker. Andraste. I...I don't know what to do. I did not ask for this. Help me! Please, Maker. Please! Please!
Ellana was looking at me, sorrow in her wide eyes, tears streaming down her face as her mouth trembled beneath her hands. She made to move towards me.
"Don't touch me!" I wailed.

"Sister," Ellana whimpered, her hand still stretched out as she took another step.

"Don't touch me, Ellana!" I howled as I sank to my knees, my magic pulsing out as I hugged myself to keep the shattered fragments of my heart together. Ice surrounded me, blocking everyone off. I heard Fioren and Camlen crying.
I howled at the sky. "Maker, oh Maker. Oh, my Maker. Andraste! I cannot see the path. Perhaps there is only abyss. Darkness envelopes me! Where is the Light? Oh, Maker! Oh, My Lady! Where is the Light?!"
I told you, you are alone.
I wailed, howling like some broken animal, the cries shaking my entire body.
Meira. Meira, please. Purpose.
I kept lamenting, the sound echoing all around the room.
No one comes to comfort you, all too afraid of the monster hiding its claws behind tears. But I see you. I would embrace you. Give yourself to me and be free.

Fire warmed my skin before arms wrapped around me causing me to flinch. Another pair of arms, then another. Soon I was surrounded by warm embraces.
"Shh, ma vhenan," Ellana's voice sobbed. "Shh."
I couldn't stop. The floodgates had opened, all the pain, all the sorrow, all the affliction I had suffered came flowing out of the newly opened scars in my heart.
Who knew sorrow could taste so sweet?
"Vhenan, please," Ellana pleaded as she held my face, pulling it up to meet hers.

I met her eyes, so full of compassion. Little Camlen was beside her, his jade eyes seeming to peer into my very soul. "Big sister," he breathed before putting a small hand on my cheek.

I felt the storm in me ease, the shouts of the entity quieting. Like a whisper on the wind beyond the storm, words came: Fate emptied of hope, wounded I fell then, by grief arrow-studded, never to heal, death for me come. Eyes sorrow-blinded, in darkness unbroken there 'pon the mountain, a voice answered my call. 'Heart that is broken, beats still unceasing, an ocean of sorrow does nobody drown. You have forgotten...within My creation, none are alone.

"Scars opened, a mirror before me, all I see is a monster. All I feel is pain. What am I? Who am I? Why was I ever born? Someone please, make the pain stop," Cole's kind voice spoke next to me.
"It stalks you, feeding off your pain, but wanting to shield you from it too. Is it a demon? Is it me? Is it something else? All are true. And not. I don't like it."
I looked to the boy's watery eyes.
"How can I be the same after all of this?" He cocked his head, asking the question I didn't know I'd asked. "You can't. But that's alright. It means you can be something new. But you have to let go. Right now you still cling, still fight, still long to be who you were once. You still cling to chains in a cage you never let yourself escape."
Cole's eyes searched mine. "I could help you forget. Truly forget."

"No, Cole," Solas's quiet voice came, causing the boy to look to him. I turned my eyes to the elf male, I knew he was right, but I could not find the strength to speak. Beyond the arms that encircled me, beyond the ice that had been partially melted, Solas and Deshanna stood. Holding me was my entire family, not just Ellana and Camlen. Solas's gaze was piercing as he looked at me.
"She cannot forget. It is what makes her who she is-will mold her into who she will be. She must embrace the pain."

"Why?" Cole questioned, innocent like a child.

Solas gave a gentle smile, but did not look away from me. "While she is more like you, she is not. She is mortal. Pain is what makes mortals stronger. Enduring pain produces the ability to persevere when the next trial comes. That perseverance gives us the strength to keep going."

Please, do not give up, Meira, Purpose spoke. I felt utterly sundered and yet, I felt the broken parts of me warm with healing.

Cole's eyes found mine again. "I see now. Darkness all around, more and more and more. It is not cruelty. You hurl questions at the darkness, but it does not answer. It cannot answer. It is only a mouth wide open to swallow. Ice like the shackles he put around your wrists. You cling because you fear what it will mean to let go. But when you do..."
He looked over his shoulder as if seeing something. "On his knees, heart and soul crying out for the one he loves. He asks for them to help her to fight." Cole disappeared.

I looked to Solas and Deshanna. Deshanna's eyes were filled with emotion. "Come, da'len. It is time."

...

Deshanna, Solas and I entered the Fade together. It took some trying as I had to allow them to enter my portion of the Fade. Purpose awaited us, and I had to let out a gasp at his appearance. No longer was he the proud, confident and resolute spirit I had come to know. He looked like a shadow of his former self. Downtrodden and lost, his eyes no longer shown; he'd aged, he was dressed in rags and he looked unkempt.

"Purpose?" I called, my voice aghast.

His dull eyes met mine. "Meira."

"My friend," Solas murmured. "You are looking worse for wear."

Purpose's bearded mouth twisted into a wry smile. "Then let us hope you've come to set me to rights before I am beyond salvation."

"The first step would be confessing the whole of it, I think," Solas stated. "Only then can she properly prepare herself to face what lies beyond the door."

Purpose shook his head. "She's become too powerful. I will tell her the full truth, but if Meira goes to face her now...goes to face her after I all l have to tell her...she will succumb."

"'Full truth'? What do you mean?" I begged.

Purpose's nearly-dead eyes fell to me once more. "I think you already know, you've just shoved the truth down into the darkness where she's feasted upon it."

Solas took Deshanna by the elbow. "Come, Keeper, we are not needed here. We will ensure the entity stays put, Purpose. Bring her to us when you are done."

Purpose gave a nod, his scraggly hair swaying with the movement. Solas and Deshanna disappeared. "What must you tell me, Purpose?"

"I asked you what ties us together," Purpose murmured. "You said it has to do with Alrik. That is partially true, but there is more."

"What do you mean?"

"Alrik was not the only one to torture you," he breathed. The edges of his form flickering.

"I know that, Purpose." I furrowed my brow, confused.

"I do not mean Karras. I do not mean when I used the knife or tempting you with blood magic and then living out your desires with Cullen." His eyes were watching me, desperate for me to understand. When I was still confused, he closed his eyes tight. His form was flickering more and I saw the hint of horns, of purple skin, as he opened his mouth, the voice of his demon self coming through.
"'I will torture you with this face. Coming to you again and again; each time as if it were the first, until you eventually give in'."

Dread pooled in my stomach. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"There is a reason she hates Cullen so much. That she hates me so much," Purpose muttered. "I meant what I said. I tortured you as him. In nearly every way imaginable."

Nausea rolled in my gut as I guessed at what he was telling me. "Purpose...tell me it's not true."

"It is the final weapon she will wield against you," Purpose stated.
"I...took those memories away—before, in the cell. Somehow...somehow she retained them, I guess because of whatever she is. She held on to them like some precious treasure, hoarding them, letting them fester in the dark parts of your mind as she drew strength from them. She will use them to break your will completely."
He was looking away from me. "If you go to her now...you would break and she would become you."

"I should kill you," I snarled. "I should kill you right now. You have done nothing but lie and manipulate me."

His dull eyes flicked up to me. He gave a shrug of his shoulders, indifferent.
"Kill me if you must, Meira, but it will not change anything. She's become too powerful. I can't fight her anymore, nor do I have the motivation to any longer. I no longer have the motivation because you no longer have the motivation. I'm telling you this only because I cling in vain to hope. In truth, I would rather lay down and die now. If you feel that is what you must do, then so be it. I cannot say what would happen if you did, but, honestly, I am beginning to no longer care."
His gaze hardened as he looked at me. "Purpose can be twisted into far more than just desire. I have run into my demon kin in my search for answers. I became Desire because I wanted. I would become something else if I lose the will to care for what happens to you. What would you have me become? What would you have yourself become? Because when I fall, so will you. I do not interfere with you because that is not my role in this, but as a demon? I'd take you before you could stop me."

"Why did you ever help me?" I demanded. "Things would have been better if you'd let me die in Haven."

Purpose shrugged again. "Maybe so. If that is how you feel, then find Solas and Deshanna and have them kill you. Or do as the entity asks and give in. Then someone will put you down when she goes to fulfill whatever plans she has. Perhaps your family? Perhaps Ellana? Perhaps Cullen? Or using you, she'll be too powerful to stop and she'll slaughter the entire Inquisition, handing the world over to Corypheus."

Seeing his indifference, his lack of want to care anymore, I felt disgusted. "Stop it!"

He quirked a brow. "Stop what? Telling you the blunt truth? Didn't you just say that all I've done is lie and manipulate you?" He spread his hands out as he shook his head, his long hair dancing with the movement. "Now, I am telling you nothing but the truth, and you do not wish to hear it. You mortals are truly annoying."

It was horrifying to see him like this. "Purpose, please, this isn't you. You care. I know you want to help me."

He shook his head. "Why would I want to help you? You've pushed me aside, listened to that thing, buried everything and clung to your lover in the hopes of not having to deal with any of this. All the while she's grown and grown, while I've withered away. Yes, I remained strong when you remained in pursuit of your purpose. I am a spirit. Just like demons, I grow strong from the emotions and ideas that give me form. If I were not tethered to you, I could feed off the others in the Inquisition that remain true to their purpose, but I cannot. My fate is tied to yours. I am merely a reflection of the path you have been walking...and where it leads."

"And Faith?" I questioned.

"She is not tied to anyone. She has put herself in the seat of power in the piece of the Fade that is shaped by the Inquisition, and in so doing, she grows in power as the Inquisition's faith grows. In all of its forms. Faith in the Maker, faith in the Inquisition, faith in its people," Purpose explained.

"Then why did I affect her so?" I questioned.

"You are who called her initially and for that, she values you. When she comes to your aid—when you call her—you can affect her," Purpose scratched his beard. "Your being a dreamer, a Fadewalker, has no small part in it either. You can shape the Fade and all that lies within it. You can shape spirits into whatever you want them to be if you chose to see them as something else."
His eyes stared resentfully at me. "You do so unknowingly because you have not trained yourself. You do not train yourself because you are afraid. And it is because of that fear we are in this predicament now."

"I am not afraid!" I denied. "I have not had the time to train!"

"Lies," Purpose huffed a laugh. "You've had time enough to be with your precious templar. To care for your battalion. To do all you're called to in the Inquisition. Yet, you never considered taking time to train your abilities beyond focusing techniques? You are terrified."

Rage burned in my chest. "I am not! You and Solas agreed I should stay out of the Fade!"

"For a time, Meira." Purpose sighed. "Not for months."

I growled in frustration, throwing my hands up as I began to pace in agitation. "Fine! I'm terrified! I'm terrified of myself, of that thing, of you, of the Fade, of being a dreamer! Is that what you want to hear? If not for Cullen, I would rather have stayed Tranquil and never known any of this! I do not want to deal with any of this because it hurts too much. I do not want to deal with any of this because I want to be happy. I do not want to deal with any of this because I am weak.
"Is that what you want to hear? I am weak! And I am so tired of fighting! And I am terrified of what this may cost me—of what I am! Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to do any of this? Make these sacrifices? I just want to be..."

"What Meira? What is it that you want?" Purpose questioned.

He'd changed, some strength coming back. "I just want to be free," I yearned, my voice breaking.

"Free of what?" He probed.

"Free of what holds me," I breathed.

"You will never be free if you never face it, Meira," Purpose challenged. "You will never be free until you accept what happened. You will never be free so long as you remain afraid. You will never be free so long as you allow her to fester. You will never be free until you let go. You will never be free until you embrace the gifts you have been given."

"My gifts are monstrous," I spit. "Does that mean I am to become the monster I feared I was as a child?"

"Did you not listen to Solas?" Purpose questioned. "You were a child. You could not help it."

I whipped towards him. "Oh, yes, I could. I may have been a child, but I chose to hurt my sister. I may not have meant to do what I did, but I meant to hurt her. Being a child does not free me of that guilt."

"But you were remorseful," Purpose challenged. "Is that not enough?"

I sighed, my shoulders falling. "I don't know."

"And now you have the chance to learn how to properly wield your gifts," Purpose voiced, standing a little straighter. "To use them to help people. You decide how they are wielded, no one else."

I met his eyes. "I am afraid to. I...was amazed at what I could do, at first, but...I have become afraid of these gifts. Afraid of what I could be. And I fear I am too weak to wield them as I would wish to."

"The more you give into that fear, the longer you allow that fear to fester, the further into darkness you will fall," Purpose urged.
"And you will fail, Meira. A healthy respect for what you are capable of is not a bad thing, it will keep you in check, but becoming afraid of them...that is the downfall of nearly all dreamers. It is that fear that demon's feed upon and wield to corrupt you. It is that fear that she is using against you."
He came to me then, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Meira, you are not alone. Stop trying to do this alone."

I was quiet for a moment. "Am I an abomination, Purpose? Is it...is she a demon?"

"I do not wield you," Purpose stated. "I have only sustained your life-force. But her...I have spoken with spirits of Wisdom and Knowledge, but they had no answers for me. Solas has sought counsel as well, but no one has answers. What she is, what she fully is...we do not know. She is not a demon and she does not wield you as one, but..."

"You said she would wield the memories you made me forget," I mused. "Is she...tied to them somehow?"

"Yes," Purpose uttered. "That is the only thing I know for certain."

I quirked a brow. "How?"

He looked away again. "During...what I—what Desire did—something happened to you. From it, I think she was...born."

"'Born'?" I gasped. "You mean she was born of...us?" I put a hand to my mouth, nausea rolling. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"It's...not like that, Meira. I never touched you that way. I was not allowed to." Purpose murmured. He was silent for a moment and I felt relieved at knowing that line had never been crossed. "She is you. Not some...progeny of yours." I swallowed down the rising bile. "She is part of you, a fragment of your whole."

"How do I destroy her?" I breathed.

"I do not think you can," Purpose shook his head. "I do not think you are supposed to destroy her."

"What happened to me, Purpose?" I closed my eyes. "What happened to me that she came to be? If she is part of me...what is she?"

He was silent until I looked at him. "I—Desire—broke you completely. You fought for so long, so strongly...but...even your will, your spirit, had a limit."

"Then why didn't you—Desire—possess me?" I questioned.

"I...couldn't. Part of the...contract with Alrik placed the limitation of consent. You had to ask for me to possess you. The loophole I found was ambiguous consent, but in that state...there was nothing in you to give consent," Purpose explained, shame in his voice.
"You were...gone. And I...was frightened of what was within you."

"What do you mean 'gone'?" I breathed. "Why were you frightened?"

"What made you...you was gone," he tried to explain. "Not like the Tranquil, that is a severing of emotions, of your connection to the Fade. This was...you were a void."

"'Void'?"

"Empty of everything," he stated. "There was nothing left in you that was you, but...you were still alive. You still had your emotions. Still had your consciousness. But they were...enveloped in darkness. There was something cloaking you, bringing out the parts of you that you normally fought against. And that something was her—or at least, the beginnings of her.
"Alrik demanded that I reverse what I'd done. So, I made you forget—truly forget—but that new entity remained. The only thing I could think to do was seal it away, in the hopes that I could destroy it or wield it when I eventually did possess you. Which nearly happened soon after, but then...Alrik killed me. And that is where the true mystery lies, Meira. I should be dead. I should not have been able to save you in Haven, yet somehow after Alrik killed me, I clung to you. When I awoke, I was no longer Desire, but Purpose."

"How?"

"I can only assume that it is because you're a dreamer," Purpose shrugged. "When I died, I remained tied to you, but with your nature restored, you called me to be what I should be—what I wanted to be again—not what I had been corrupted into."
His gold eyes met mine, beginning to shine again. "I've told you from the beginning, shifting of realities is normal for spirits. We can revert back, but it takes death to do it and what comes is not the same spirit that was, if we return at all. Somehow, you helped me shift back. As Purpose, I sought out where I'd locked away what had manifested in you. Within the door I had created, she waited, but there was no form to her...she was just darkness. I tried to destroy the cell, to dispel the darkness, but...when I did...you nearly died.
"You see...we are what sustained you in that cell all those years after Alrik died. I kept you from insanity, while she kept you alive, but when I tried to destroy her, she wounded me. She was stuck in her cell, but I could escape to the Fade, so I did once you'd been rescued. When I left you, you succumbed to everything that happened to you, but she was too weak to leave the cell. Then you were made Tranquil. I was safe in the Fade, never far from you, but she...I thought she'd be destroyed, but when you awoke in Haven...when I made you remember...she returned. With your emotions restored...she was able to resume feeding on your dark emotions."

"Then is she some...reflection of me? Some alternate form of me? A demon that has taken my face...like Cole—Compassion?" I questioned.

Purpose shook his head. "This is the truth you've been denying and why she keeps growing stronger. She is you. You've felt it haven't you? The slight shift in your emotions? The thoughts, the feelings you have, but you're ashamed of or do not want to admit to? When she recoils at Cullen's touch? The envy towards Ellana? Your anger and impatience?"

"But I love them," I urged. "She hates them. She wants me to hate them, tries to sow discord between us. Anger and impatience are normal emotions."

"Do you believe hatred is the opposite of love?" Purpose questioned. "No, Meira. Indifference is the opposite of love. Hatred requires effort, requires feeling; it is a by-product of desire. She feels for them, but she is the feelings for them you will not permit yourself to feel. You've admitted to your jealousy of Ellana for her having the life you were denied. You deny that jealousy because you know it's not her fault, but she is that jealousy manifested. You've admitted that you could come to blame Cullen for what happened to you, that you would feel that you had suffered needlessly if you allowed yourself. Again you deny it because you know it's not his fault, but she is that blame, that resentment manifested.
"You have two natures within you, Meira. A nature that strives to do what is right and a nature that strives to do what is wrong. Just as spirits do, though not so literal as we denizens of the Fade make it. We are either our spirit nature or our demon nature. We do not fight against the two as you mortals do, unless we are on the cusp of succumbing to our other nature. Mortals war constantly with their two natures. It is where your willpower springs from—your will to make one nature stronger over the other, to fight. Things bolster your willpower such as purpose, morals, or faith, but nothing can ever completely rid you of the dark parts of your mind—the parts that feed rage, despair, fear, envy, or desire. Why do you think those demons are so prevalent? All mortals feel them, all mortals give into them, but faith, purpose, joy, hope, those rare spirits—they are born from those who struggle against that darkness and are strengthened by that fight.
"She is that other nature. The dark parts of your mind—your want to be bitter towards both Ellana and Cullen. But because of your mercy, your love, your hope for a better future—because of your other nature and your willpower, you deny them. Anger and impatience are normal emotions, but when left unchecked, they grow to rage and distress. She wants you to continue to lose heart. But I...I think it is some twisted way of her wanting to protect you. So, she is you, your other nature. Why she now has a form separate from you...I fear that is my doing...and why I do not think you can destroy her. That said, the form you have seen is not her true—" Purpose whipped around. "—No, no, no!"

"What is it?"

"We're out of time, Meira," Purpose growled. "She's become too strong!"

He grabbed my hand and he pulled me down. We came to what was my part of the Fade. Solas and Deshanna were there. Deshanna standing before that river of memories I'd seen when the entity had brought me here before. Solas before the door, keeping the entity within. Deshanna was working magic, as now there was not one river, but two. The river below was my memories, the river above...It was almost indescribable.
Comprised of liquid emeralds and starlight, it was frozen and shattered apart. Parts of it flowed like little waterfalls pouring into a single, thin stream that flowed freely, but the majority of it was in that fractured state. I watched in awe, until I saw what had drawn Purpose. The door within the cell was opening, those skeletal hands pulling her from the darkness that was seeping out.

"Solas!" Purpose shouted as he rushed to help the elf male.

Solas appeared before us though I had not seen him move. His eyes were on me. "Guard Deshanna, ensure she does what she was brought here to do. Purpose and I will drive it back."

I went to Deshanna as they made for the door. The Keeper was panting, sweat pouring down her face. Her gaze flicked to me for a moment before she returned her focus to her magic.
"Da'len. I fear I am running out of strength. The little of my magic that is left...it is too weak for this, but...I will see this done."
I looked up to watch as the river of emeralds began to fuse together. She let out a gasp of pain.
"Ir abelas, da'len. I never meant to hurt you. I thought...I thought I did the right thing, but...Mythal forgive me..." Her gaze went to the cell where Purpose and Solas were fighting. I heard one of them let out a grunt of pain and I turned, ready to go towards them. "Forgive me, da'len."
I whipped back to find Deshanna carving her flesh open, blood pouring from the deep cut before she began to weave it around herself. She raised her hands, the crimson stream following her movements before she thrust it at the fractured river. The fresh blood weaved through the fragments, pulling darkened ichor out of the frozen crystals and back into Deshanna. Where the darkened ichor was removed, the river began to flow. Bit by bit, the flow was unleashed. As it flowed uninhibited, I felt a great beast within me roar awake, that river dazzling bright before it lowered to join the stream of memories.
"There," Deshanna panted. I turned to look at her. Blood was streaming from her eyes. "You are...restored."

"Deshanna?" I questioned. Deshanna turned towards where Purpose and Solas still fought. I looked to where she did. They were both pushing against the door, the entity beyond it wailing. Solas was attempting to seal it, magic flowing around him, but the black flames were fighting against it, ice shards being shot at him. Deshanna rushed towards them, cradling her arm to her stomach.
"Deshanna?!" I watched as she raised her hand, blood shooting towards the door. As it landed upon it, a ward began to be written upon the wood.
"What are you doing?!" I cried.

I rushed forward to try and stop her, but felt Purpose's arms around me. "She's trying to help you."

"No!" I thrashed. "I want no more of this! I want no more blood magic!"

Deshanna turned to me, a sad smile on her face. "I am giving you time, da'len," she murmured. Blood was running in earnest out of her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her ears. "The seal will not hold forever, but I pray it will be long enough." The door was groaning shut, the blood magic ward glowing, a shriek of rage sounded on the other side. Crimson was being pulled from Deshanna's body, the droplets moving as if on a wind, adding more to the ward. She was going to die, giving what remained of herself to create the seal.

"Stop! Stop it! I do not want this!" I shouted.

"Lethallan," Solas spoke at my side. "Blood magic is merely a tool, a magic like any other. It is neither good nor evil—it matters only in how it is used. Your Keeper would wield it for good in this instance, to seal away this thing that haunts you that you may have time to grow strong in order to face it."

"No!" I shouted, that beast baring it's teeth. "I am done with this! I am not a child to be ordered about. I am not some defenseless, naive girl." I reached for that beast and grabbed it. Phasing through Purpose's touch, I rushed forward and slammed my hands against the door. The ward shown as did the cracks around the door as it groaned shut. I willed the door unable to be opened. I willed it shut. Ice climbed up it, encasing the door and the cell before it. I was panting as I turned to them. Solas caught Deshanna as she slumped into his arms. Her breathing was shallow, blood still dripping from her.
"This monster is mine. No one else is going to die for me. No one else is going to face it. I will face it when I am ready. This door will not open again until I say."

Deshanna opened her eyes. "Da'len. It is too late, I am dying either way. I came here willing to die."

"Why?" I begged.

"I am sworn to protect my clan. Even to give my life to protect them." Her eyes found mine. "I am trying to do that now. I know it changes nothing, but in this...perhaps we can both find peace." She looked towards the door, her eyes lighting with magic as she added to the layers of protection I'd placed upon the door.
"Be happy, da'len," she breathed as she died, the light of her spell glowing upon her skin before she faded away.

Banging and scratches sounded on the door, but I found silence. As Purpose had said, everything the entity embodied remained, but now I could will them into submission. Solas and Purpose looked to me. "I want to wake up."

I came to in Solas's rotunda. For a moment, everything was still and then I felt the world shift. No longer did everything feel solid and immutable, the Veil present, but thick. Instead, I felt the Fade tingling on my skin, felt spirits stirring just beyond the now thin Veil. My mana sang through me, that rushing river flowing just beneath my flesh. But beyond that, I could feel everyone around me. Solas, powerful and restrained near me. My family, nearly all untouched by the Fade, but...
I shot up, my eyes landing on what I had felt, but the words caught in my throat as I took in the scene before me. Deshanna was dead, my family huddled around her body that was covered in dried blood from where it had poured out of her. I looked away, my eyes finding Cullen. He stood at the door, his face pale, but otherwise unreadable as he took in my family and Deshanna. Ghilani was at his side, but she came to me upon seeing me awake. Sensing my gaze, his eyes shifted to me. Guilt ate at me at the love in them and I had to look away.

"Dareth shiral, Deshanna," Da murmured as he picked up her body. He looked up, his dark eyes meeting mine first, but shifting to Cullen. "We...do not burn our dead. We bury them. If we can, we carry their bodies to Var Bellanaris in Dirthavaren and bury them there. We will return her to the clan to prepare her body. A guard will be placed to ensure nothing possesses it until the process is complete." Cullen gave a nod.

We watched as my family carried Deshanna, folding her arms over her chest and closing her eyes. Ma and Ellana came to me, they held out their arms, but made no move to touch me. My heart heavy, I threw myself into their embrace. "Forgive me."

"Shh, da'vhenan," Ma murmured. "There is nothing to forgive. It was her decision—one she made before she even came here. She made your father the Keeper until a new one can be chosen."

"I would be the usual successor," Ellana said quietly. "But as Inquisitor...I cannot lead them. But there are no other mages in the clan...they need a mage to lead and protect them."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Cullen's voice came from the doorway. "Inquisitor, Ambassador. Forgive the intrusion, we need to meet in the War Room."

"Talitha needs to be trained," Solas warned.

Cullen's eyes met the elf male. "I know, Solas, but this cannot wait."

"Neither can her training," Solas challenged. "She has ignored it for too long already."

I turned to Solas, "As soon as the meeting is finished, I will come to you."

The elf shook his head. "I do not mean training here. I would have you and I go on ahead to the temple we saw, separate from the others, and train there. I would have you train while I investigate the temple."

"What about the Venatori?" I questioned. "If the temple is where we believe, they are numerous in the area. Not to mention my other duties."

"Da'len," Solas chastised. "Would you have more death? I feel the change in your magic. It still slumbers, not knowing it is fully free, but you must learn to wield your abilities...or at the very least, how to prevent yourself from wielding them."

I clenched my jaw. "What would you have me do? Abandon the Inquisition, the battalion, everything in order to train? What are the others to do?"

Solas's gaze did not leave mine. "I would. The others will do what they must in your absence."

I gritted my teeth and looked away. "Are you telling me that I am a danger now?"

"Potentially," Solas admitted. "As with any mage newly come into their mana."

I glanced up at Cullen through my lashes. His honey eyes were on Solas. His usual stony demeanor in place, but he seemed unfazed by it all. Ma squeezed my hand and I looked to her. "I will leave you," her voice quiet before she left the rotunda.

"Commander," Ellana barked. "I want everyone in the War Room. Advisors, inner circle and our guests from Kirkwall."

"As you say, Inquisitor," Cullen gave a slight bow of his head. His eyes flicked to me before he left the room.

"Lethallan—" Solas addressed Ellana.

"—We will speak of it in the War Room," Ellana commanded as she turned and waved for us to follow.

I heard Solas mumble something under his breath in elven. We crossed through the main hall, going through the door to Josephine's office. The Ambassador was at her desk. She had a quizzical brow as she shifted through piles and piles of parchment, steam rolling off a cup of tea as it swirled in the light of dawn streaming through her window. Dark eyes flicked up upon our entrance. "Inquisitor. Messere Solas. Ambassador Talitha. I thought I would have a little time before everyone arrived."

"No need to hurry yourself, Josie," Ellana assured. "We have things to discuss privately before the others arrive. I asked the Commander to send word to have everyone join us."

"Very well," Josephine nodded. "I will continue my work then."

We followed Ellana through the next door, down the stone hall where the morning light was filtering through beautifully, to the great wooden doors of the War Room. Ellana opened the little door—Cullen called it a 'wicket'—set within the massive doors and stepped through. I had Ghilani stay outside before we entered the sanctum. Great stained glass windows lined the back of the circular room, the view of the mountains spectacular. The great table sat in the middle of everything, the standards bearing Leliana, Cullen and Josephine's respective factions behind it. One of each stood before the parallel windows: Josephine's standard was akin to a set of scales, Leliana's an owl and Cullen's an armored fist.
Before the center window, and taller than the others, the Inquisition's standard—comprised of the constellations Visus and Judex—the Watchful Eye and the Blade of Mercy. Cassandra had explained that the Watchful Eye, Visus, had been used to guide Andraste's faithful army north during her Exalted March upon Tevinter and became the symbol of the first Inquisition. Later, the "all-seeing eye" became the symbol for the Seekers of Truth. The Blade of Mercy was added later to the Inquisition's heraldry as a symbol of Andraste and her death. While Judex had long been a constellation before the Inquisition, according to lore, the star that formed the tip of the blade in the constellation only appeared after Andraste's death. Later, the Blade of Mercy became the symbol for the Templar Order.
Stone benches sat around the room, a plush rug ran before the massive table, a chandelier comprised of what appeared to be tree roots hung from the ceiling, while torches lined the walls. No matter how often I was in the room, the beauty and power it radiated never ceased to inspire hope in our cause. Even now, when I felt I'd reached the depths of darkness for the second time in my life, I felt hope flicker in my chest.
The world was in chaos beyond us, the people caught in the middle looked to the Inquisition as their last hope for peace and stability, the people of the Inquisition looked up to us to guide and lead them true. I felt the weight of everything I'd just endured—just discovered—pulling me down, beckoning me to buckle, to give up...I looked to the symbol of the Inquisition.

"Do you know what the first Inquisition's motto was?" Cassandra's voice was pensive as she spoke, looking out at the mountains. I'd been standing at the battlements, seeking solitude after yet another squabble had broken out amongst the battalion. Cullen and I had gotten them back into order and I knew they were improving, but I was becoming defeated and feeling overwhelmed. I'd vented my frustrations with Cassandra; the Seeker had listened quietly and patiently. When I'd finished, that was the first thing to come out of her mouth.
"Their goal following the death of Andraste was to release civilization from the tyranny of magic that the Imperium had wrought. Blood magic, maleficars, and cults were everywhere, wanting to bring the old ways back in spite of the mass conversion to the Maker that had occurred in the wake of Andraste's death. They plunged themselves into the evil, seeking to bring truth and light where only darkness reigned. Of course, history would tell a different tale, that they were no more than tyrants themselves, reigning terror—and perhaps it is right—but at their beginning, that was not the intention. Their motto was 'Into darkness, unafraid'. They vowed to face the darkness in the world, threw themselves at it to fight it back and they did so without fear. Bold in faith and in their hope for a better future."
Her dark eyes found mine. "Then name 'Inquisition' was not chosen lightly. The Divine knew what it has come to mean in the eyes of the populace, but she wanted to inspire hope in our allies and fear in our enemies. She wanted to reclaim what had been the original intention: 'Into darkness, unafraid'. Little did we know how true that was going to be as we now must face a creature of evil that seeks to rule the world as its god and plunge it into darkness."
She looked back out at the mountains. "You are not alone in your fears, in your frustrations, in your doubt. We all are plagued with it on both large and small scales. We each have problems, none greater or lesser than another's. Pain is pain, no matter how it is felt, no matter what form it takes."
She curled her lip. "Where my sympathy is lost is in those who do nothing to change it. You cannot wallow in your pain forever." Cassandra let out a shaky breath. "I...had a brother. Anthony. He was older than I, a dragon hunter who showed what a Pentaghast could truly be. I idolized him. I wanted to hunt dragons as he did, even though our uncle forbade it. Anthony promised to train me in secret. We would hunt together one day, brother and sister vanquishing the beasts of old." She closed her eyes. "And then he died on me."

"Cassandra," I murmured. "I'm truly sorry. That must have been awful."

"It was the end of everything I knew," Cassandra breathed. "A group of apostates wanted dragon blood, and wanted Anthony to get it for them. He refused, and they killed him for it. In front of me." Anger crossed her features.
"I begged the Chantry to let me become a templar. Instead, they sent me to the Seekers. It took many years to let go of my drive for vengeance." It was my turn to listen as she clenched her jaw. "At times, I could not breathe," she spat, "the rage nearly choked me."
She let out a breath, collecting herself. "I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if Anthony was still alive. Would I be a dragon hunter? Married to some noble fool, a mother of three? I cannot say. I take solace in believing the Maker has a plan, but...He is not always kind."

"You...doubt the Maker's kindness?" I questioned.

She closed her eyes. "He turned from us...not because we didn't deserve it, but he did. Only Andraste was able to turn him back and then...we killed her. What god would not seek vengeance for such atrocities?" She let out a derisive snort.
"Leliana challenges me. She believes the Maker longs for us as much as we long for him. She...claims she had a vision some years ago, sent by the Maker himself to guide her down the path she was to follow. Now, she is...troubled, she struggles, even more in the wake of the loss of Justinia, but I wonder..is there truth in her words? The Seekers, the Chantry, push the notion that the Maker is vengeful, turned his back on us in anger and that we will only earn his attention once all the corners of the earth sing the Chant."
She leaned forward, resting her arms on one of the flat parts of the wall. Her gaze flicked to me. "What do you believe?"

My lips twitched. "The Maker has a sense of humor," I chuckled wryly. "Despite my best efforts to convince myself otherwise as of late, I lean more towards what Leliana believes. He cares for us, loves us. He created us with intention, each of us unique in our purpose. What happens to us, the bad things, he did not intend, but he allows. We have free will—for good or ill—and he does not interfere in that freedom. For if he did, we would not be free. So, when bad things happen, it is not him, but the evil in the world—the evil in the hearts of the evildoers. And when he witnesses that evil committed against his children, he mourns.
"Just as he mourned for Andraste, but did not interfere. He could have interfered, he could have saved her, spared her, wiped humanity from the face of Thedas in righteous vengeance for killing her, but he didn't. Some would say it is because he does not exist, but I say the stay of his hand is the ultimate act of mercy and love. He could have destroyed us all—first for turning to false gods, then for killing Andraste—but he didn't. He gives us chance after chance to turn to him because he cares.
"The evil committed against us, he mourns over it, but because he cares, he uses it for our good—if we allow him to. We may not see the good in our lifetime, we may not ever understand, but just as you said, I take solace in believing he has a plan. Where I disagree with you is in his kindness. The Maker works in mysterious ways, this we know. It is not he that brings harm upon us, but the evil that sprung when we turned against him."

Cassandra was silent a moment. "And here I was trying to instill hope in you and instead you instill it in me. I would like to believe that. All I was trying to say is that you are in good company. None of us are without darkness, none of us are without struggles or pain. I pray that if a time comes when you feel alone, you will remember that you are not."

I was silent for a long while. Cassandra straightened and went to leave. "I know what I believe, but voicing it is easy…living it out…I struggle." I let out a shaky breath. "When you spend so long in the darkness, eventually it begins to creep inside."

Cassandra chuckled. "Then light a fire. Or are you not a mage?" At her wit, I laughed. "The Maker does not promise our lives to be free of darkness. He promises that there is no darkness in his light. He shines a light in the darkness—and that light is hope. Let him guide you. Stop trying to find the way yourself."

I gave a nod. "Cassandra. You should tell Cullen about your brother, if you haven't already. I think he would...find comfort in your shared experience with being hurt by magic and mages. And find hope that he, too, can overcome it as you have. He already is, but...he doubts himself."

Cassandra studied me a moment. "I will."

I gave a small shake of my head to refocus on the present before looking at the Inquisition's symbol once more. 'Into darkness, unafraid'. 'Within my creation, none are alone'. 'I pray that if a time comes when you feel alone, you will remember the you are not'. You have a plan, my Maker—give me the faith to bend to it, but the strength not to break.

"Solas, she cannot leave with you to go to the temple," Ellana stated, her voice pleading. "I need her to play as my double."

"I understand, lethallan," Solas inclined his head, "but that does not negate the danger she may now pose. She is like a fledgling, newly come into her magic. She will not understand it, she may even wield it unknowingly when her emotions are strong. We've practiced breathing techniques and flows of movement to encourage her ability to focus and maintain control, but there is no guarantee. The longer we wait, the greater the likelihood for an incident."

"We have today and tomorrow before we leave. Can you equip her with tools she can use until you can properly train?" Ellana quirked a brow.

"Possibly. Only if she is allowed to focus entirely upon it," Solas demanded. His eyes fell to me, "There would be no rest, no breaks, no distractions of any kind."

I gave a nod. "As you say."

"Very well," Ellana nodded. "I will take her place as Lieutenant-Commander until we leave. You'll begin as soon as this meeting is over."

"Prepare yourself, Talitha," Solas warned. "This will not be easy."

I gave a wry twist of my lips. "I'd be disappointed if it were."

Solas chuckled as the wicket to the War Room opened. It was Cullen who entered first, his amber eyes falling to me immediately. There were unspoken words in them and I knew he wanted to speak with me. I kept seeing his face as I was choking him, feeling my hands on his throat, the understanding in his eyes.
Eyes dropping away, I pursed my lips as the others filed though the door. Leliana, Josephine, Cassandra, Varric, Vivienne, Blackwall, Dorian, Bull, and Sera. Behind them came Hawke, the elf male and the woman that had helped Cullen against the insurgent templars.

Cole appeared beside me. "Hands around his throat, ice on his skin, but all he sees is her pain, her fear. Where his own fear would once have whispered, all he hears is a roaring need to protect her. Maker, set her free." Oh, my lion. He held out my fur-trimmed cloak to me which I gratefully took. "You were cold." He disappeared then, appearing again to sit upon the rafters above us, legs swinging as they dangled.

"Well, isn't this something," the woman whistled as she took in the War Room. Her hazel eyes roaming about. There were several gold piercings decorating her face and ears, along with a large gold necklace encircling her neck. Her clothing was strange: a cotton shirt that opened to her well-endowed cleavage, the shirt tucked into leather leggings with leather boots that came to her mid thigh. She wore a long leather coat that brushed the floor as she walked and a large hat with a larger feather. Her dual swords were tied to a belt around her wide hips. Beautiful as she was, something in her demeanor promised danger.

The elf male that had been with her had snow-white hair that was cut short and shaved at the sides, fierce green eyes and white markings all over his olive skin. The markings mimicked vallaslin in their feel, but they were not like the Dalish markings as they were not just upon his face, but seemed to extend all over his flesh. He and Hawke were as far from each other as they could be, but his eyes kept flicking to her. Hawke kept her gaze resolutely forward, but beneath her mask of indifference, she was seething. "We apologize for our unannounced arrival," he offered, his voice deep, but almost melodic to listen to in its bass tone.

Hawke's mouth tightened at the sound of his voice as she passed by me. Cullen, Leliana and Josephine took their usual places, Ellana stood to Josephine's left and the others encircled the table, leaving only the spot to Leliana's right open. I stepped up to join them, noticing a few glances cast my way and I wondered how many had overheard or already knew what had taken place in the rotunda. I lowered my eyes to the map upon the table in shame.

"Why don't you do us a favor then, Fenris," Hawke's voice bit as she spoke at my right, "and explain why you are both here?"

The woman that had arrived with the elf male laughed. "Are you really going to have your lover's quarrel right here? In front of everyone? You should have warned me, I would have brought snacks."

"Shut up, Isabela," Hawke snapped. "I am no more happy to see you than I am him."

Isabela shrugged. "What? No big family reunion? And I was so looking forward to it." Her eyes shifted to Cullen, traveling the length of him as she licked her lips. "Why Knight-Captain, I have to say you've become quite the delectable morsel. What have you been doing with yourself?"

Cullen merely rolled his eyes and mumbled under his breath, "Andraste, preserve me."

"She really can't help herself, can she?" Varric mumbled to Hawke.

"As much as I appreciate your helping to save my Lieutenant-Commander," Ellana cut in, her voice commanding. "I would like an explanation as to why you're here, preferably without your personal drama being dragged into it. Settle that on your own time." The four of them quieted at Ellana's harshness.

"My apologies, Inquisitor," Hawke spoke.

"Indeed," Fenris gave a nod. "I'd returned to Kirkwall in search of Hawke after word had reached me that the Chantry was hunting her, but found only Aveline remained there. Her hands full with rebuilding the city, all she could tell me was to head to Haven in Ferelden as that was where Bethany and Varric had gone with the Right Hand of the Divine. While speaking with her, she mentioned that Hawke had been concerned over the remaining templars in the Gallows, that they had begun using red lyrium in the wake of the Chantry supply being cut off."

"'Cut off'?" Cullen questioned. "Why was it cut off?"

Fenris looked to him. "She did not know. In the hope of finding Hawke still in the city, I searched out the templars, but found the Gallows abandoned. Then the Breach appeared."

"What?" Cullen's voice was alarmed.

"I could not remain to investigate further as chaos broke out in Kirkwall, but something occurred there," Fenris explained. "There was evidence that some of the templars had left, boarding a ship to Ferelden. The captain assumed it had been to attend the Conclave, but he was unsure. All he could tell me was that the men and women that had boarded were not the templars he'd respected all his life. He was glad to be rid of them on the Storm Coast."
Fenris crossed his arms. "I followed their trail, finding rumors of their arrival and odd behavior among the populace there. The trail died until I ran into a few. They recognized me from Kirkwall and attacked. I killed them, but left one alive for questioning. He had red eyes and wore a piece of red lyrium around his neck. Try as he might, he could not withstand my...questioning for long." Fenris's eyes flicked to Hawke.
"He pointed me towards the larger camp, but it was already torn down, the only lead pointing to an abandoned Seeker fortress. When I arrived, it too was abandoned, save Inquisition soldiers. Wary of the organization that had been born in the wake of the Divine's demise, I trailed them. Soon, I realized I had a tail."

"And a nice one too," Isabela purred. "I was seeking out the Inquisition as well, but after word spread that Haven had been destroyed, I wasn't sure you'd survived. I came across the party of Inquisition soldiers departing South Reach who made a stop at a lovely little farm home to a clan of gorgeous blondes that were the family of the Inquisition's Commander, before heading on to the abandoned fortress. I realized this lyrium-coated beauty was tailing them and I thought it'd be fun to give him a surprise," she smiled like a cat at Cullen's look at the mention of his family.

"If by 'surprise' you mean my waking up to a blade at my throat, then yes, that was a surprise," Fenris deadpanned.

"You know there's nothing more exciting in bed than a little danger," Isabela winked.

"You, I like," Bull grunted at Isabela. The woman turned her eyes on him and gave him a smirk.

Cassandra let out a disgusted noise, followed my a bunch of groans from the others. "Can we not?"

Fenris looked towards Hawke and cleared his throat. "Instead of leading us back to the Inquisition, however, they remained in South Reach. We stayed for a while trying to figure out our next move."

"It might have been my suggestion to camp near your family, though I cannot claim that my intentions were entirely honorable," Isabela added, her eyes watching Cullen like a cat watches its prey. He was less than amused.
"Honestly, what did your parents do to produce you all? Kiss the Maker himself? Your brother, those broad shoulders, strong legs and that playful smile...the way he fawns over his wife; your eldest sister, as pretty as you, but prettier because she's a woman," Isabela seemed to only dig in deeper as she watched Cullen grow angrier. "And the younger one...I don't think I've laid eyes on anything more lovely." Cullen was positively livid at the tone with which she spoke, but Isabela only smiled wider.

"I suggest you stop talking about my family, Isabela," Cullen warned, his voice deadly calm.

"Easy there," she grinned, "I only looked. I do hope you'll have them up for a visit."

"Not on your life," Cullen growled, glaring at the woman.

Isabela laughed. "You never did know what to make of me, did you?" She gave him a genuine smile. "I am teasing you, you big oaf. We stayed close by in case the templars we were trailing were still in the area. Lucky that we did, because they were."

Cullen's murderous glare dropped. "What?"

"They were targeting your family," Isabela crossed her arms under her chest. "As soon as your soldiers left, they made their move. Fenris and I were able to stop them before they got anywhere close to your family, but we kept one alive."

"Lucky Isabela was there," Fenris interjected. "She's far more talented at interrogating than I."

"Lucky he wasn't completely out of his mind like the others," Isabela chuckled. "All I did was flirt with him and he spilled his guts...then he spilled them, literally. Before that though, he told us there were plants among the Inquisition of this new faction of templars—Red Templars, led by Raleigh Samson. I recalled the name, that sniveling guttersnipe that begged for lyrium. Came to the Rose a few times, but never had the coin." Isabela looked to Ellana. "Anyway, the templar told us they'd received instructions to target your Commander's loved ones. His family and his rumored lover. Not to kill them, but to rough them up as a warning and a sign that they can get to you."

"The templars that attacked the Lieutenant-Commander said as much," Leliana confirmed. "They were disobeying orders by attempting to kill her, but they were not instructed to escape, but to cause as much damage as they could before we killed them. Corypheus would not allow them to return to the Red Templars."

Isabela's eyes flicked to me. "Well, I have to say, Curly, I did not peg you for an elf kind of man. Always so refreshing to be wrong."

I looked to Cullen, he was seething. The vein in his forehead popping, the cords of his neck standing out as his hands balled into fists. "Why did you not send word ahead?"

"We tried," Isabela stated. "If it didn't reach you, then I fear you've a spy in your midst. Obviously, one you trust. We did instruct your soldiers to return to your family in case any Red Templars remained."

Ellana and Leliana shared a glance. "We suspected as much and we've a good idea as to who it could be partially thanks to Bull. We've a trap in place to see if we are correct. Until then, we're not going to start attacking our own people without cause and proof."

Cullen whipped his head at Leliana. "Who?"

The Spymaster shook her head. "We are keeping this quiet for now. We are unsure as to their motivations and we want a full understanding of the situation."

"They put my family in danger. Put my w—the Lieutenant-Commander in danger," Cullen snarled. "I want them to answer for it."

Leliana leveled a glare at him. "And they will, Commander, when we know for certain who they are."

"Andraste, preserve me," Cullen growled before turning to Isabela and Fenris. "There is nothing in this world that could properly express my gratitude, but thank you."

"You are welcome," Fenris gave a sharp nod.

"This crap just keeps getting better and better," Varric chuckled, darkly.

"Good thing arrows take down those crazies," Sera curled her lip. "No one hurts our Cully-Wully. Except us."

"Such underhanded tactics," Dorian heaved a dramatic sigh. "Honestly, does no one in the South have class?"

"Surely this means we need to begin searching out any remaining templars?" Vivienne questioned, crossing her arms over her chest. "To see who has fallen to the Red Templars and who could use a refuge amongst the Inquisition?"

"Yes," Cullen nodded. "I've already had Sister Nightingale begin searching with any agents she can spare."

"Good, my dear," Vivienne's dark eyes looked to Cullen. "I am glad we were able to bring as many templars in as we did. It is a shame to see them in this state."

"So what does this mean, Boss?" Bull questioned. "If the Red Templars are going to begin targeting families, how are we going to counter them?"

"It sounds like only Cullen's family was targeted. The Inquisitor's clan was on the table, but they were unable to locate them," Isabela explained.

"The best way we can counter them is by finding Samson and putting an end to them," Cullen spit. "We've a lead that they're operating in the Emerald Graves, but beyond that he's proven surprisingly elusive."

"And that's where I come in," Isabela interjected. "I think your Red Templar problem is far more widespread than you realize. But I was seeking you out as you seem to be lacking in any sort of naval power. I came seeking to offer my employment to the Inquisition."

"You what?" Hawke questioned. "Since when have you cared about anything, but yourself?"

Isabela frowned, slightly. "Never, but what's there to enjoy if the world is destroyed?" Her hazel eyes flicked to Ellana.
"You could use someone out on the seas, an ear in the port towns and low places." Isabela flicked her eyes over Ellana and then Josephine. "The 'Herald of Andraste' can hardly be seen in such...distasteful places and though you have your spies-no doubt they're good—your reach is only so far. Every time you have to pay for passage across the sea, someone gets wind of what the Inquisition is up to.
"Any spy worth their salt knows what to look for to spot another spy. Of course, you could restrict your travel to land, but the sea is so much faster, not to mention fun. I'm offering sea access, free passage, and disreputable agents that can go where they please and learn what you need how we please. In exchange for payment, of course, and a fleet of ships—the size of your choosing."

"And how will your...poor reputation not affect the Inquisition?" Ellana questioned.

"I fly my own flag of course," Isabela smirked. "No ties to you at all. If your Ambassador and Spymaster's reputations proceed them, I've no doubt they can make the money trail disappear. We operate as we please, collecting information and doing your dirty work, offering safe passage with no trails, but there's no ties either way. Like sex in a brothel: you pay, they play, both benefit, but neither are bound beyond the coin and the loin...and occasionally chains or silk."
Isabela looked at Cullen as she said this, eyes traveling again. Cullen went red and cleared his throat. Isabela laughed again. "Oh, you absolute innocent puppy. Are all you Chantry boys the same? The barest talk of sex and you're as red as the sun? Must be, or the templars that did visit the Rose wouldn't have been so...eager. I was always so disappointed when you never did, but oddly proud at the same time—probably as close to maternal as I'll ever get." Isabela's eyes found mine. "Tell me, love, why haven't you put him out of his misery?"

Not to be perturbed by the woman and in an effort to stop the looks of concern being sent my way, I flashed her a smirk. "Because I adore puppies." Cullen looked at me, but I did not meet his eyes.

Isabela smiled roguishly. "Oh, good! He found a woman with a sense of humor. Maker knows he needed one."

Sera was laughing hysterically. "Oy, I see what you mean, Bull. She is fun. Inky, say she can stay, yeah? We could use more like her to liven up the place. Could use some more pretty faces to look at too."

"That's me," Isabela gave a self-satisfied sigh, flicking her dark hair over her shoulder. "I'm a helper."

"We will have to consider your proposal, Isabela," Ellana nodded.

"You do that," Isabela smiled.

"Hawke. Varric," Fenris addressed the two. "Are you aware that Sebastian is planning on invading Kirkwall in search of Anders?"

"Ah, so that's what all those letters must have been about?" Varric scratched his chin. "Guess I should've opened them."

"I knew and so did you, Varric," Hawke stated.

"You should have killed Anders," Fenris growled at Hawke.

"You do not get to tell me what I should or should not have done," Hawke bit. "You weren't there. You did not see the man I saw."

"I saw enough of him," Fenris stated.

"Why in the Void are you here?" Hawke roared, snapping. "You said you were looking for me. Well, you found me." Hawke threw a hand at the War Room door. "There's the door. If I remember right, you're rather fond of them."

"Enough!" Ellana barked. "Hawke, Fenris, Isabela, if you would excuse us. It seems you have things to sort through as it is and I would like my War Room back free of your issues."

Hawke glared at Ellana. "I am here to help. I did not have to come."

"That is not lost on me, Hawke," Ellana lifted her chin. "I appreciate your willingness to help, but this is not helping anyone—"

"—Varric told me of your plans regarding Sebastian," Hawke cut in. "I want to speak with him."

We all turned to look at her. Ellana crossed her arms over her chest. "No. We need you focused on our problem in the Approach."

"Forgive me, Inquisitor," Hawke challenged, "but you do not have any authority over me. I am going, wether you permit me or not. Sebastian is as much my responsibility as Corypheus. Besides, Ser Stroud is more than capable of handling himself." Ellana glared at Hawke. "We've volunteered our help to the Inquisition, but that does not give you the right or authority to order us about like we're your soldiers." At her fiery tone and defiance, I saw a bit of Solana in her.
"I am the only one who will be able to call him off his warpath for vengeance."

"Well, now I'm glad I'm being forced to go," Varric smirked. "This might be the most interesting thing Choir Boy has ever done."

Ellana breathed out her nose. "Very well."

"I doubt Prince Sebastian will take too kindly to a...surprise visit being sprung on him during this negotiation," Josephine warned, her eyes flicking to Ellana.

"Oh come now, Ambassador," Varric gave an evil smile. "Choir Boy is too nice to kick Hawke out of the negotiations."

"So nice that he's planning on invading Kirkwall with an army?" Cullen quirked a brow.

"Exactly," Varric nodded. "He was so nice that he warned us he was going to do it instead of just doing it like a normal person."

"Just promise you won't blow Val Royeaux off the map in the process of negotiating," Cullen sighed.

"You know I can't make those kinds of promises, Knight-Captain," Hawke winked at Cullen.

"Commander," Cullen corrected her.

"That makes me quiver," Isabela sighed suggestively. "Say it again." Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly done with our Kirkwall guests.

"My dear, you do realize desperation is never a good look? It's almost as bad as that gaudy hat." Vivienne snarked at Isabela.

"Dearest, you know, no one has ever cut me quite so deep," Isabela faked a pout.

Fenris grabbed Isabela's elbow and began to lead her from the room. "Let's go before you shiv someone...or get shivved."

"Seeing as Hawke is coming with us, that's still a very real possibility," Isabela mused as they headed for the door.

Hawke followed behind them, giving a slight wave over her shoulder as she left.

"Commander," Ellana addressed Cullen. "Do you need leave to see after your family?"

Cullen was silent a moment. His eyes flicked to me as if seeking my thoughts. Maker, does he still trust me after...after hurting him? I looked away from him. "Possibly, Inquisitor. I am...unsure if I have the time, however."

"Make time, Commander," Ellana ordered. "They're your family and were nearly attacked by an enemy of the Inquisition. I think the matter could use the Commander's personal handling. I thought the Arl of South Reach was warned of the potential danger?"

"He was and our soldiers stationed there sent word that he'd bolstered his defenses and patrols," Cullen explained.

"Well, clearly it was not enough," Ellana retorted. "You have my permission to permanently station troops at your family's land and I am ordering you to see to it personally."

Cullen clenched his jaw. "Yes, Inquisitor."

"You also have my permission to move them here if you deem it necessary," Ellana added in a gentler tone.

"I...appreciate that, Inquisitor," Cullen gave a nod.

"Now, this changes nothing about our current plans," Ellana addressed the room. "Talitha will go to Val Royeaux as the Inquisitor to meet with Prince Sebastian and the merchant connected to Calpernia before meeting us and the battalion in the Emerald Graves. Her cover will be that she went to Kirkwall to assess the situation with the Gallows there. Once in the Graves, we are to help this Fairbanks before heading to the Exalted Plains to aid the Empire.
"I want Vivienne, Varric, Solas and Dorian to accompany Talitha. Bull, Sera, Cassandra, and Cole will come with me. Once finished, we will make our way to the Western Approach to meet with Warden Stroud and hopefully find out more about Corypheus's plan. Our focus is on those affected by the civil war. The more attention we can bring upon ourselves, the better."

"Yes," Bull grunted approval. "Any dragons? Please, let there be dragons too."

"Maybe some dragons," Ellana stated. "Only if there is time."

"YES!" Bull grinned madly.

"Lieutenant-Commander," Ellana addressed me. "I want Barris to go with you to Val Royeaux in case you have to deal with any Venatori. This will also be test for Solana and Henry to see how they handle leadership in your absences. Once you reach the Dales, I want you to focus on the battalion and dealing with the Red Templars and Ventori in the area. Once that is done, you and Solas are to head to the temple in the Approach. Solana and can lead the battalion in your stead."

"Yes, Inquisitor," I nodded.

"We leave tomorrow at dawn. That will be all," Ellana dismissed us. "See to what you must today."

The room dismissed, they filed out. I kept trying to get out so I was not left alone with Cullen, but the others kept blocking me from leaving.

"Talitha," his voice called as he stepped into my view. I said nothing, focused on the door where Leliana was at the rear of the group. Undeterred, he cut me off from leaving. I looked up at him, his features pinched with annoyance. "I know you had your issues, but for what it's worth, I am sorry about the Keeper. How are you? And do not say you are fine."

Leliana closed the door with a knowing smirk. I clenched my jaw. "I'm not fine, but we have bigger things to worry about right now." I made to step around him, but he caught my elbow. I closed my eyes and felt my mana stir. "Please, Cullen. We will speak later." He tugged gently and I turned, his lips pressing into mine.

"Do not shut me out," he growled, his eyes fierce as I met them. He softened, his voice lowering. "Nothing has changed between us, my love."

"H-How can you say that?" I murmured as I reached up to touch where my fingers had hurt him, thanking the Maker there was no bruise. I stopped a breath away from his skin. Dropping my hand and my face, my voice broke, "I hurt you."

He tipped my chin. "Meira, you did not mean to," his face fell. "To be honest, I was worried I would hurt you falling asleep in your arms. But, selfishly, I wanted to be with you, to make sure you were safe despite my fear. I...my nightmares have gotten worse. I've attacked my pillow more than once and I feared...I..."
His forehead pressed against mine. "Maker, will we ever have peace?" He closed his eyes. "If I had hurt you accidentally...I would feel the same as you do now, but...would you let me go because of it?"

Tears pricked my eyes. "No. Not if it was accidental."

"Then why would you think I would let you go when it was an accident?" He whispered.

"Because...because..." My lips trembled, but I had no answer for at that moment I realized he would never leave me and he would never let me go unless I asked. And I would never ask—no matter what came, I never wanted to be without him again.
Maker, thank you for him, for his strength. Maker, please, give him freedom. Pulling me against his chest, his hands rubbing soothingly against my back, he held me.
"Oh Maker, I'm sorry, Cullen. Can you forgive me?" His arms tightened and I let out a sob as I shook against him. "Maker, I'm so scared."

His hands came to hold my face and gently lift it. I kept my eyes closed. "Meira, look at me."
Trembling, I opened to find his eyes full of love and compassion. "You do not need to apologize nor do you need to be afraid. The Maker gave you these gifts for reason. Do you want to know what I believe the reason is?" I said nothing, I just kept looking at him.
"Because you are the only one who could be trusted with them." A lump formed in my throat, my shoulders falling as my lip began to tremble. "Do you want to know why I believe there's a reason you've gone through all that you have?" Tears rolled down my face, catching on his gloved fingers as he caressed my skin. "Because you have only grown stronger through them. Your faith has only grown stronger."
He kissed away my tears. "I have never met someone that clings to hope the way you do." He kissed my eyes as I closed them before kissing my nose. "I know you struggle. If you didn't...I would not believe you to be of flesh and blood, but know, my beloved...your hope calls me to hope. To hope that someday, somehow, somewhere, this war will end, our pain will end and we will be happy. That all of this will be worth it...that the fight will be worth it."
He kissed my lips gently. "But until then, my love, let us enjoy our happiness when we can. If I have learned anything, it is that life will always be difficult; maybe not as difficult as it is now, but we cannot wait for that time to come to be happy." He kissed me again. "So long as you are with me, I will take what difficulty comes, but I will do so while loving you."

I let out a sob at his words, bittersweet joy sprouting in my chest as I buried my face in his shirt. Digging my fingers into his back as I clung to him, drinking in his warmth, his steadfastness, his strength. He wrapped me in his arms, pulling me as close as he could.
"Oh, Maker, Cullen, I love you. I love you so much." I buried my face even deeper, breathing in the smell of him. "I don't want to leave you."

He lowered me to perch upon one of the stone benches as he knelt before me, taking my hands in his. "My darling, I do not want you to be parted from me either, but you and I both know that you need to. You must go. But I will miss you every day until you are back in my arms." He lifted himself to kiss me. "And I will pray for you."
I lunged at him, he lost his balance and we spilt upon the floor as I peppered his face with kisses. He chuckled as his hands came to rest on my waist. I leaned back, tears on my cheeks as I looked at him. His hand came up, a thumb flicking away my tears. I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes.
"We will be alright, beloved."

"I certainly hope so," I blubbered.

He laughed through his nose, a smirk on his mouth as he sat us up. Using his sleeve to wipe my cheeks and nose, he curled an errant strand of hair around my ear before kissing me soundly. "Now, my darling, go fight."

I buried my face in his neck. "And you do the same, my lion."

...

Solas had waited outside the War Room until I'd exited. Leading me out of the main keep, down the stairs, through the courtyard and up a set of stone steps to the battlements. Going along them, he led me to the large tower that was being worked on. We'd climbed the stairs to a trapdoor where we climbed out to the top. He'd lowered the door and locked it to prevent interruptions.

His stormy eyes turned to me, his lips pursed. "First, I want you to test out your elemental magic."

I nodded. I brought my hands before me. I summoned my weapons: ice and lightning came as easy as they had before, but when I tried to summon fire, all that came was a warming of my hands. I frowned. "I was hoping fire would be easier now."

Solas stared at my hands. "I fear that may have more to do with the entity than with your dreamer abilities."

"What do you mean?" I quirked a brow.

"Whatever it is...it has influence upon your magic. Your ice magic nears the extraordinary in power and the entity was able to wield ice against Purpose and I when we were trying to contain it, along with the black flames." Solas explained. "I theorize that is why ice is so easy and powerful for you. If you defeat it...perhaps then you would see a change in your magic."

"'Defeat it'?" I questioned.

His blue-grey eyes flicked up to my gaze. "I think you need to treat the entity like a demon. It isn't one, but to be honest, I am still perplexed as to what exactly it is. Cole seems to think it is a mixture of your essence, a demon and a spirit. I would agree from what I sensed and witnessed, but...I do not know how that is possible. In your facing it, it would be easier to think of it as a demon."

"Purpose believes it has something to do with him and the magic he used while he was a demon," I murmured. "He says I may not be able to defeat her as she is a physical manifestation of the darkness within me."

Solas's brow furrowed. "Interesting. That is certainly something to think on. For now, our focus is preparing you for the task of facing it. Now sit." I did as he instructed, sitting as we did during our morning training. "Now, relax, close your eyes and take deep breaths in and out. Reach out with your mana, feel the Veil wrap around you, moving with your breathing." As I breathed and reached out, I could feel it as I never had before. The Veil felt so close, as if I could touch it. Beyond the gauzy Veil, I could feel the stirring of the Fade and it's inhabitants. "Can you feel it?"

"I can," I whispered. "The Veil feels so thin now."

"Can you slip across? Feel yourself pushing the Veil aside and step into the Fade," Solas instructed.

"While awake?" I questioned.

"We are testing your abilities. If you doubt yourself, you will not succeed. Did not your Circle teach you that using magic is essentially about will. Let us see what you can will, how strong your willpower truly is," Solas challenged.

I breathed in and out, feeling the Veil clinging to my skin. With my mind, I reached out a hand and grabbed the Veil, gently pushing it aside before stepping through. I gasped as I passed into the Fade. I blinked my eyes to find Solas still sitting across from me, but we were no longer in Skyhold. Instead, we were in a lovely clearing of trees. The canopy was far above us, the forest floor full of soft grass beneath us. Solas was watching me. "Where are we?"

"I took us to somewhere safer," Solas explained. "We did not need you accidentally harming another while in the Fade at Skyhold."

"Not to mention he prefers the forest," Purpose's voice came from my side.

I turned to look at him, finding him fully restored. "You're looking better."

He flashed me a smile. "Thanks to you." The smile faltered and he lowered his gaze. "Meira, I am...sorry does not even begin to cover it, but...I am truly sorry."

"As I said before, let us keep the past in the past," I sighed. "You were Desire, not Purpose, but I will say it again: no more secrets."

"There are no more, Meira," Purpose nodded. "I have told you everything."

"Good."

"Now, let us begin," Solas stated.

Time passed differently in the Fade, what was days in the Fade was only hours in the waking world. Solas began first with testing out what my innate dreamer abilities were—what I could sense and see in the Fade. It seemed no more than it had been, I could sense the spirits and demons, speak with them, influence and command them. I could shift the Fade, changing the reality around us. I made the trees grow taller, or made them young again. Everything I did seemed unimpressive to Solas and I grew frustrated.
Purpose stepped in and challenged me to think beyond the obvious. The Fade was the realm of ideas, of will. I could do anything. Anything I could will, just as I did in the waking world, I could do here. At his words, memories stirred and I was pulled back to my Harrowing in Kinloch Hold. I recalled Mouse, the demon of pride in disguise, the bear Sloth and Valor who'd donned the form of a templar. Valor had helped in his own way, but it was his words that came back to me.
'They are brought into being by my will. I understand that in your world, mages are the only ones who can will things into being. Those mortals who cannot must lead such hollow, empty lives'. He'd been talking about the slew of weapons he'd created in his little corner. Swords, staves, shields. I had sought one to aid me against the demon I was meant to face, asking if it they would indeed work against the demon.
'Without a doubt. In this realm, everything that exists is the expression of a thought. Do you think these blades be steel? The staves be wood? Do you believe they draw blood? A weapon is a single need for battle, and my will makes that need reality.'
I'd dueled him, earning his respect and a staff. The staff had been strange, as if it did not know what it was until I took it in hand and willed it to act as a staff in the waking world would, then it became solid and bent to my magic like no other staff before.
I understood what Purpose was getting at, just as Valor had stated. Will was the force of creation in the Fade and if I could think it—if I could believe something existed or functioned a certain way—I could will it into existence. Like my magic in the waking world, but with almost no limitations beyond what my own mind placed. The spirit of faith came to mind and I summoned weapons, ones made of pure light like hers, just to see if I could.
Purpose had smiled broadly and Solas had given a nod of his head when the weapons appeared. They'd suggested sparring then, Solas with magic and Purpose with weapons of his own. Solas explained that sparring this way was essentially sharpening the strength of my mind and my willpower. The more I trained, the stronger my mind would become and the more able to shut out the demon's whisperings that were sure to be drawn the more I grew into my dreamer abilities. In theory, he hoped my strengthening this way would allow me to better resist and shut out the entity when the time came.
Purpose claimed that it would also improve my waking world skills in combat and proposed seeking out other warrior spirits to help sharpen my skill. Both said the time for no longer ingesting the potion to block my ability to enter the Fade had come. Purpose could train me every night and I could continue my training in learning how to will things within the Fade.

"What I can will here," I began, panting as I stepped away from Purpose's blade. "Can I will it in the waking world?"

Solas was sitting upon the ground, it being Purpose's turn to spar with me, playing with the wisps that had come to investigate. He was keeping the more powerful spirits at bay so I could focus on training. His gaze flicked up to me. "Possibly. It depends entirely upon what you are capable of and how strong your will is-but the waking world is far more...immutable than this; there are far more limitations than simply your own imagination."

Purpose lunged at me again, I met his swing with my shield. "But theoretically, I could?"

"Theoretically," Solas nodded. "You would have to possess an extraordinary will."

"Sowing seeds of doubt, Solas?" I questioned, ducking beneath Purpose's blade.

Solas's lips twitched. "That was not my intention. Just as it is here, what you believe you can do is what you can create, but in the waking world, you are battling the constructs of reality itself."

"But if I am manipulating the Fade around myself, unless there is a templar nearby using their magic-blocking abilities, how is it any different than working my usual magic?" I panted.

"I suppose it isn't at it's foundation," Solas mused. "Thus why new magics and spells can be created and discovered. I am merely trying to explain that it will be far more difficult in the waking world than it is here."

I laughed. "I think you're well aware that I am used to difficult in the waking world."

"True enough," Solas inclined his head. "Then it is up to you to see what you are capable of. Perhaps your only limit is yourself."

"Just as it is here," I stated.

"But I would suggest the other limit being how much of the Fade you can pull across the Veil," Solas warned. "Your mana is your limit there. Here, you have endless access, but in the waking world, your limit is what your body can handle. Go beyond that and you would die. You may be capable of extraordinary things within the confines of your mana, but there will always be a limit."

"But I can bolster it with lyrium," I mused, knocking Purpose's swing askew.

"Or blood magic," Solas goaded, his mouth twisting. I flashed a glare. "Yes, lyrium can increase your limit."

"Is there no other way? Enchantments, runes, spells?" I questioned, my sword meeting Purpose's shield.

"That would be more a question for Dagna, I think," Solas deflected.

"You never saw anything in your wanderings of the Fade? The ancient elves had no such devices?" I dared a glance at him, his face had become unreadable.

"There were ways the ancients had devised to increase their power, but I do not believe such artifacts exist any longer," Solas offered. "Nor could they be replicated as the knowledge of how they were created has been lost." His face had turned stormy. "Focus, da'len."

Purpose knocked me off my feet. True to his word, Solas did not allow any breaks, any distractions or any rest. When I had sparred with Solas, he'd forced me to use magic, not weapons, even my magical ones. He claimed I needed to learn to think less like a soldier and more like a mage in my fights. To learn how to bring the two into harmony.
He was a powerful opponent and I'd ended up knocked off my feet more than once. Sparring with Purpose, Solas had instructed me to test out my abilities—to see what other weapons, armor and things I could will into being. I let my mind run wild, creating all kinds of things and battling Purpose with them. The spirit did the same, matching what I'd created. By the time Solas finally said we could wake, I was more exhausted than I had ever been. Just as I'd passed into the Fade, he instructed me to pull the Veil back to reveal my mortal body and step into it. He had me do this a few times to get the feel of it so I could resist entering against my will or entering another's mind accidentally.

I blinked awake when he was satisfied, the stones of Skyhold beneath me. I groaned at the pounding headache I had and the exhaustion in my limbs. "Why does this body hurt when I wasn't using it?"

The corner of Solas's mouth lifted. "Detached or not, your mind is still your mind. It is always connected to your mortal body on some level."

"How long were we in the Fade?" I looked up at the sky, the moon bright.

"We will be leaving at dawn," Solas stated. "You should rest while you can." My stomach growled painfully. "As well as seeing to...bodily necessities."

"Thank you, Solas," I murmured as I stood, my legs cramping.

"Thank me when you face what haunts you and defeat it," Solas stated, his eyes serious.

I looked away. "When will I know that I'm ready?"

"When you're willing to face it," Solas voiced. "Facing our...darkness is not easy. Some never will. But those that do...it is a choice. When you are willing...that is when you'll be ready."

I gave a nod. "Then I pray that time comes soon."

We descended the tower. I looked towards Cullen's office, visible from the door as we exited. "Rest, da'len. There will be time for goodbyes in the morning."

"Solas," I breathed as I looked at him, thinking of Ellana. "What are your intentions with my sister?"

If I thought his face unreadable before, it was nothing compared to the look on his face now. "It has been a long time since I have...allowed another in my life. I do not wish to hurt her. I am taking the time to evaluate if I am...ready for such an attachment. She...deserves someone who is."

"I see how she cares for you and I know you are not blind to it. Know that you feel the same for her, but I appreciate your honesty." He gave a nod as I met his gaze. "But know that if you pursue a relationship with her and then hurt her, I will ensure you regret it."

I thought he would laugh off my threat, but his face was serious as his eyes flicked between mine. "I would expect no less."

He walked off into the shadows of night.

…

The time to leave came, my heart feeling uneasy as we packed for our journey. Cullen was at my side, dressed in his armor, tightening straps and adjusting the various saddlebags on the mare he'd chosen for me. I'd decided to call her Mouse, not only because of her coloring, but as a joke to myself in remembrance of the first demon I'd ever faced as learning to ride a horse had been just as harrowing. I watched Cullen's large hands work with such delicate care as he retied knots and checked Mouse over. I could tell he was drawing out our goodbye, unable to bring himself to say the words.
I'd explained what had occurred during my training with Solas, he agreeing that my limit this side was my mana, but also reality itself. He did not doubt my capabilities and encouraged me to try, but to be careful. I encouraged him to think beyond the obvious when it came to his templar abilities, musing that using them could be similar, a test of willpower. He agreed he would try.
I'd asked him about his thoughts on his going to see his family and he'd admitted to being worried about it. He was unsure if he was ready to see them and even less certain of how they would react. I'd put a hand to his face and said I'd pray for him, but thought it was best that their first reunion be between only them. He'd kissed me and promised to write me about it. As I thought of the conversation, he straightened, looking absolutely miserable as he'd run out of things to check over, but trying to hide his unhappiness. I chuckled.

He arched a brow. "What?"

"You look miserable," I murmured.

He crossed his arms over his chest, pouting. "You're expected to be gone for nearly six months. As much as I understand that you must go, that does not mean I have to be happy about it."

"And I am glad you are not, my knight," I chuckled again.

His gloominess faltered as he glanced at me. A blush creeping into his cheeks, he started to lean towards me. A hand clapped him on the back, causing him to freeze. "Commander, you've instructed us to keep our relationships private when conducting official business. Are you now going to break your own rules before your soldiers?" Rylen questioned as he came to stand beside Cullen. He gave me a wink as I glanced at him.

Cullen straightened, blushing deeper. "No, Captain."

"Wouldn't want you establishing double standards, Commander," Rylen warned. His face turning serious as he clasped Cullen's arm. "Maker, watch over you, Cullen. I swear to you, I will protect her with my life while she is with us. Now say your goodbyes." Rylen walked off to finish seeing to the troops, shouting directions at the soldiers for proper marching formation, the rest of the contingent waiting in the valley below.

Cullen gave the man a nod, his amber eyes falling to me. He took my hand and bent to kiss it. "Take care, my darling. Maker, watch over you."

"And you, my love," I murmured.

That unease growing heavier, I turned away from his burning gaze to grasp the polished saddle. I lifted my foot, finding Cullen's hand there to help lift me higher enough to swing my leg over Mouse's back as his other hand was at my waist to keep me steady. He took my foot and slid it into the stirrup before looking up at me. We stared at each other for a long moment, all the noise of the others falling away as there was so much I wanted to say, but could not find the words. He seemed to feel the same as his lips parted before he turned abruptly and headed for his tower.
I watched his back as he climbed the steps and entered his office. An overwhelming sense of saudade washing over me when he disappeared inside. My lips tingled with the ghost of the sensation of his lips against them, saw his smile, felt his arms around me and his warmth. My heart opened, worry and sadness hitting me and I hadn't even left him. I knew what I had to do and I was sure it'd lead to endless teasing from his soldiers, but I didn't care.

"Talitha?" Ellana questioned from atop her horse, our companions looking to me at her question.

I glanced to her, breaking the trance. "I'll be right back." I smiled like a madwoman as I dismounted and hurtled across the courtyard.
"Cullen!" I was yelling his name at the top of my lungs, earning stares from several people, but I ignored them. "Cullen!"
I flew up the stairway. "Cullen!" Bursting into his office, he was half-turned to the door.
Seeing the adorable look of surprise on his face before I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms and legs around him, glad I was not in armor, but leather riding clothes. Reflexes fast, he caught me, barely having time to collect himself before I claimed his mouth with my own. He chuckled against my lips before he crushed me against him and met my fervor.

Panting when I broke away, I put my forehead to his, his brow relaxing from its furrow. He let out a breathy chuckle. "I'll miss you, too, beloved."

"Oh, you thought this was me saying 'I'll miss you'?" A smirk twisted my mouth. "No, no. This was to ensure you'll miss me while I'm gone."

He laughed. "You've succeeded."

"Good," I breathed and kissed him soundly again. "Because I am going to miss you." He chuckled again. I caressed his nose before smothering him in a hug. "Take care, my lion."

"And you, my darling."

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