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Entry 13
So busy. Too busy. Oh yes, my book was a success. Hailed by all as a "breath of fresh air!" and "modern chick-lit isn't dead!" etc. etc!
And naturally...I'm miserable. Go figure?
It's been months since I last wrote it here, because at first I didn't have time, and then I just didn't want to write anything anymore about love and life and so on. When you write a freaking book on it you tend to not want to. But I digress.
So I went on a book tour for a month, yay, with Megumi-san by my side for most of it and nothing is more traumatizing than listening to your boss trying to discreetly have phone sex with her guy. Oh God the terror. It was nice visiting Osaka and the countryside. The girls were really sweet there and really happy to have me sign their books.
Aoshi's column naturally made mention of me, but with surprising less venom than I expected. Honestly, it was rare for our paths to cross for a while as I was busy, he was busy, and well...I was avoiding him. Better to just walk away from a bad habit. Like cigarettes.
I once had a crush on this guy, who I couldn't stand most of the time. I hated him when I first met him and thought he was the biggest egotistical prick on Earth. Then we had to work together a lot in college and I saw, as a classmate put it, his "softer side". And I of course got a crush on the guy, which failed miserably because he 'liked me as a person but not as a girlfriend. He liked redheads. Sarcastic redheads."
And then I hated him the next semester and then we got along the semester after that. A typical day could be we'd see each other buy ignore each other, or make polite small talk, fight and be really sarcastic to each other, and then go have cigarette breaks and be perfectly cool with each other. It was a strange accquaintanceship and he was like cigarettes I often mused. Not good for me at all, and it wasn't that I was terribly addicted but everytime I quit something happened and pulled me back.
Kind of like that guy. I often compared him to Parliament Lights, the brand we both smoked. I sometimes wonder what became of him. Oh well.
I guess the situation with Aoshi reminds me of that.
He's a bad habit I just can't quit. So if I was avoiding him how did I come to that conclusion?
Simple. I avoided him for three months. And then...I didn't.
It was my usual off day and so I naturally went to the bookstore for casual reading and coffee. I wore my "day off" clothes of jeans, tee shirt, and hoodie and grabbed a few magazines, sat, began reading.
I swore I smelled the air of arrogance before hearing the sliding of the chair as my shoulders tensed and I looked up ever so slowly and of course seated across from me was none other than the bane of existence and bad addiction.
Who looked way too good in black jeans and a black shirt.
I was waiting for a comment on my choice of reading and.
'More manga and anime'
That was it. In such an even tone. And I being a mature, capable young lady set my magazine down, stood up, grabbed him by the ear, and dragged him outside. Oh yes, very cool and calm.
I yelled. He said nothing. I made various hand gestures. He sighed.
And when I asked what the hell he wanted of course he said the one thing to render me of all people speechless.
'I just wanted to see you'
Damn him. So I blink. I try to move my mouth, I think words will come out.
Nope.
And then.
Well, more or less...I found myself getting really familiar with his sheets.
Yes I'm bad. Yes I never learn.
But I can't ignore him.
And the worst part is that he's 85 of the time emotionally stunted and doesn't talk and doesn't act like he's interested in me. He talks when we do...stuff though.
I don't know what we're doing. Are dating? Just a fling?
I go and write this book about relationships when really I have no fucking clue about anything. I have a something...I don't even know! I only seem like I know what I'm talking about when I'm really just as clueless. I just state things as I've experienced them, tried to rationalize things, presented some history.
The truth is no one has a clue and that's why we try so damn hard to rationalize love, lust, and relationships because we just CANNOT figure it out.
Least of all me.
I write for a woman's magazine that most of time I think is rediculous. I was never a girly girl when I was younger, I wanted to be a ninja when I was five. I think most of the time I'm flailing about in my life. Okay so my job isn't so terrible and I like writing and I wrote a book, my apartment is nice, I have great friends, and I'm currently sleeping with one of the hottest men ever and I AM MISERABLE!
Because I see how Kaoru-chan and Himura are, and how Sano and Megumi-san are and even though I tell myself I don't want to be all mushy like that I can't HELP but be jealous that they have the one thing I'm too stubborn to admit I want.
Love.
I want someone to hold my hand and mean it, to just...fucking SAY IT and not leave me guessing.
Aoshi knows my quirks pretty well and hasn't run, he puts up with all my mass bs that I come with at times, he knows I don't worship his views when it comes to writing, he's interesting to talk to when he does talk and doesn't spew his male/female crap, and he's soooo passionate behind doors but it's not enough.
I thought it was but.
And thus I am miserable and morose.
You always want what you can't have. That's my problem, I seem attracted to impossibility.
Aoshi wants to have dinner tomorrow, a rare date type deal. Probably just doesn't want to cook cause I think he hates my cooking.
Maybe I have PMS, but I know something has got to give. I should probably talk to him and lay it all out on the table.
Yes. Maybe.