Now everything was awkward again. They had just got back to a good place after the fight with Steve and now it was fucked again. He'd stuffed it up again by kissing her, not just sweetly like he had a Christmas. It was needy and passionate and he'd lost his head for just a minute. He stupidly pulled away from Kim and it did not make him happy and judging by Kim's tears it had devastated her too. He was fucking useless.

He was confused and that made him anxious and he started to doubt himself, he started to doubt whether he was going to make the same mistakes as last time, he was worried she was going to discover that the reasons she had called off their engagement were still an issue for her. Not that he really understood what they were. That night they had it out a lot of it was spoken in anger but blinded by lust and alcohol and he couldn't remember what she had told him.

Oliver was the very reason why Adam had pulled away. There was no way he was risking his relationship with Oliver. Missing eight years of your son's life was something he could never get back, he wasn't going to do anything to jeopardise being his father now.

Kim, that was a whole other kettle of fish. She had tried to talk to him that night but like that night many years ago he was scared of the outcome so preferred to let sleeping dogs lie. He was a coward; when it came to Kim he was always a coward because she had the ability to hurt him like no other woman ever had. While he didn't want to hurt her, he couldn't bear to let himself get hurt again either. He'd been kicked around for ten years, he'd lived with an undiminishing ache in his heart from the moment she put that ring back in his hand. Only a fool would let that happen again.

He struggled daily to keep his head above water, there was so much buried deep within him. He knew he had to deal with it, the things he'd done and the person he'd been but he was scared to let it out. He pushed it deeper and deeper and when Kim did get a glimpse of it seeing how much it upset her made him more determined to stay away from her. Paul Benson was not a nice person, he hated him but sometimes he worried that some of that terrible person would seep into Adam.

Paul Benson treated people like shit; he didn't care who he hurt when he walked away, which he always did. As soon as things got serious and people started asking questions he just packed up and left. His whole life stuffed into a duffel bag and he'd put as much distance between his current home and his new place of residence. He'd cancel his phone service and get a new number and he had no social media accounts and in the days before he left he would change the email addresses of those that he still needed and close the other. He'd break hearts and then fall of the face of the earth. On the odd occasion he would break up with whoever he was seeing face-to-face he basically told them that he would never love them and then he'd leave. He was an asshole but at least no one ever came looking for him. He never let his heart make one single decision, it was always his head because his heart belonged to Adam Ruzek and that meant it belonged to her. He never let Paul Benson control his heart.

Now he'd let his heart take control for the briefest of moments. He'd loved kissing her, it had set every single one of his nerves alight and when he pulled away it was like being stabbed a thousand times over but he had to listen to his head. He had to stop.

"Forget about it, it was a mistake." And he'd done the one thing he promised he wouldn't do. He had hurt her telling her it was a mistake. It wasn't a mistake; his only mistake was pulling away. His biggest mistake was letting her walk out of that locker room. So many mistakes over the years and it seemed like he hadn't learnt a damn thing.

"A mistake?" He didn't miss the hurt in her voice, just like she didn't miss Adam's devastation. It was written all over his face and hers.

"This has got to be about Oliver, it can never be about us."

"There will always be an us because of Oliver. Just like I am always going have to deal with Steve because of Daisy." Getting through to him sometimes wasn't easy. Everyone expected him to just be the Adam that they remembered, the life of the party, the joker but he wasn't that anymore. Around others he put on a brave face but Kim could see behind his mask, she could see how deep his pain was.

"So you are still going to fuck him too?" The moment that came out of his mouth he just wanted to curl up and die. It was cruel and spiteful and he hated himself for it. He took a step towards her but she cut him down with her eyes.

"Go to hell Adam." She turned on her heel and left him standing in the middle of her yard. He had dropped off Oliver after spending the afternoon at the movies and Kim had sent him inside so they could talk. They needed to clear the air, but this just blew more dark clouds overhead.

He was so damn frustrating. It was hard work and as much as she tried to be patient and understanding it was starting to hurt. He was starting to pull away from her and she couldn't stop him and the tighter she tried to hold on the more he fought her. That kiss, she knew he felt the same way she did, it was written on his face and his body language was a dead giveaway but he had steadfastly refused to go any further. Kim had pushed him, almost begging him to stay but he jumped up off the couch, apologised for over stepping the line and left. Leaving them both in a state of shock and turmoil.

Oliver was watching from the window. "Are you and Dad fighting?"

"No buddy. Please try not to worry. Your Dad, you know he still feels sad sometimes because of what happened. Sometimes he needs to talk about it." Kim tried to reassure him but knew that she was probably failing miserably.

"We've got to help him. I don't want him to leave again." Oliver was pleading with her, he looked so distressed and it broke her heart. It was his eyes that got to her; she had just seen that look in his father's eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes that always gave away everything, every thought and feeling, the hurt, the love and pain was always there for her to see, in Adam and in his son. After all this kid had been through with Steve, she couldn't bear to see him so upset about Adam. "Please can we help him?"

Slipping her arms around his shoulders he didn't fight against her cuddle. That had also been a big change in Oliver, his willingness to seek the comforting arms of his mother when in the past he thought he was too big for that. Adam had bought about that change in him. He had always been very affectionate when they were together and he had taught Oliver that it was a good thing to show the people you love how you felt with a touch, a kiss or a hug. If only he wasn't so reluctant to take his own advice as far as Kim was concerned. "We are Baby."

Kim sent him a message. 'You need to call your son.' And a minute later she heard Ollie's phone ring with that inane tune that Adam had insisted he program as his ringtone. "So he knows it's me and he won't ignore it like when you ring to nag him." He had teased her.

"Hey Buddy."

"Dad, I just want to make sure you are okay?" He always did this; his son always seemed to know when he needed to be picked up. "I don't like it when you are sad."

"I know Ollie. I'm okay, really. It's just been a tough day." Adam leant his head on the steering wheel. He had taken himself down to the lake, he liked to sit and look back at the city when he was spinning out a little. Those days had become less frequent but it was always bubbling under the surface. He found it calming looking out over the place he never thought he'd see again, the city he once protected. "Ollie, you know I love you right?"

"What about Mom?"

"Oh yeah, I love her too." He did wonder if Ollie could hear how painful that was to admit because the pain it was causing him was unbearable.

"That's good right?"

"Yeah, it is. Now please don't worry about me. I'm going home to grab some pizza and a beer and put my feet up and watch the game tonight. Make sure you are watching, I'll be checking."

"You could come here and watch it, Mom won't mind."

Adam tried to laugh but it came out a little strained. He was pretty sure he was low on the list of people Kim would want to see right now. "Thanks for the offer Ollie, but really I just need to go home and be by myself. I promise I am not going anywhere, I'm not going to leave you."

"I love you Dad." Kim was watching him talk to his Dad. No matter how angry she was with Adam right now he had knocked it outta the park again with regards to his son. Oliver just seemed to calm down as soon as he spoke to his Dad. How Adam managed it she would never know? That incredible bond they had developed was mesmerizing. She could understand why Adam didn't want to do anything that might put that at risk but she couldn't stop herself from dreaming about what it would be like if he was here all the time, if they were a 'family' in the truest sense.

"Right back at you Ollie. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Kim had no choice but to let him watch the game and the messaging started as soon as the puck dropped. They both needed it. Kim sat with him and Oliver would show her some of his messages and they were all just about the game. It was cute.

That night he only sent her one message, late and well after the game had finished and Oliver had said goodnight.

'I'm sorry; I had no right to say that to you. I don't want to hurt you, but I am scared. I am scared of not being able to walk away from you and I just want to be a good Dad to Oliver, I love him Kim. I can't lose him; I don't want to risk my relationship with him just because I can't control myself around you. It wasn't a mistake, it was perfect. I've dreamed of kissing you again since the moment you walked into that café, I dreamed of kissing you one more time everyday for nine years. It was better than my dreams and I can still feel you.'

How the hell was she supposed to sleep now? Damn it Adam.

'I didn't think it was a mistake either. All those nights I sat with your son and dreamt of you, that was exactly what dreamt of, what I craved. That kiss gave me hope.'

"Me too."