Title: Tiny Thing Like That
author: Jmaria
Rating: FR-18
Disclaimer: Joss is god, I am a lowly worshipper.
Spoilers: The series, but not the big damn movie. Also, for Baby on Board, Just Unsettlin', Nightmare Seduction, Nucleus, Not Whole, & Mama Cobb
Summary: I thought you'd learned yer lesson. . .
A/N: This is such crackfic - but in a good way. Supposed to be reading the Dead Zone, or sleepin' but I can't. . .

Tiny Thing Like That

"That's Mother Cobb? The mother Cobb who had Jayne?" Wash asked again, standing apart from River, Jayne and Mrs. Cobb. "And eleven just like him?"
"Wash, shush," Kaylee grinned, smacking his arm. "It's the most precious thing ever."

"Oh, you'll hafta excuse me, it's just such a surprise, our Jayne finally settlin' down," Mrs. Cobb said, reaching into her apron pocket for a hankerchief.

"Here, Ma. Take this," Jayne said, handin' her one he'd had stuffed down his front pocket.

Mal stared at him as if he'd never seen the man before in his life. That was when the girl raced forward, leaving her puppy behind. Jayne caught her in mid-leap, laughing as the girl burrowed into him.

"Jay!" she cried, wrapping her little arms around his big, burly neck.

"Mattie, yer gonna kill me. I'm a old man, lil' sis."

"Little sis?" Zoe mouthed to Mal. Mal merely shrugged.

"Mattie, get off yer brother like that. It ain't proper," Mrs. Cobb scolded, a smile on her lips.

"Sorry, Mama," Jayne and Mattie said sheepishly.

"Mrs. Cobb, it is a pleasure to finally meet the woman who brought Jayne into this world," Shepherd Book said, stepping forward.
"This is Shepherd Book, Ma," Jayne said.

"Oh. Thank you kindly, Shepherd. My Jayne's been goin' on about what a calmin' and spiritual influence you been to him," Mrs. Cobb smiled, "And do call me Evie. My god-given name, and you can't be much oldern' me, Shepherd."

"Evie," Book smiled back.

"Ma, this is -"

"Captain Malcolm Reynolds, Ma'am," Mal stepped forward quickly.

"Captain Reynolds," Evie said, taking his hand.

"This is the rest of my crew, Zoe and Wash Washburne, Kaylee Frye, and Simon, little River's brother," Mal said, yanking Simon forward. "He's a doctor."

"We always wanted a doctor in the family," Evie said, pulling Simon into a tight hug.

"Yes, I'm - thrilled to be associated with the Cobb family," Simon said stiffly.

"Liar," Mattie said under her breath.

Simon stared at her oddly. Jayne laughed, loudly. Evie chuckled before lightly smacking Mattie's hand. She glared at her son, and Jayne immediately shut up.

"Sorry, Ma."

"Well, won't you all come in? Jayne's sisters and I have been whippin' up a dandy of a meal, and I just want to hear all about your fascinatin' adventures out in the black. And we've been gettin' ready for the weddin'."

"How many sisters does Jayne have?" Wash asked.

"Bout seven. He's got four brothers as well, but this time a day, they're all workin'."

"There's four more like him?"

"All my boys are big. Girl's are as dainty as can be, but my boys are oxen," Evie said, her voice laced with pride.

"Ma,"

"Don't you Ma, me, Jayne Alistair Cobb. Just cuz yer grown, don't mean I can't still take you over my knee."

"Yes, Ma."

"His middle name's Alistair?" Wash said under his breath.

"I wouldn't talk, Hoban." Zoe grinned, poking him in the side.

"I'm just sayin' a guy like that. . ."

The little house was bigger than it seemed. There was a large family room, with three big comfy sofas on each wall. Evie led them down a narrow hallway into a large, sprawling kitchen. Three women, all a foot taller than Evie stood bickering over a large range. Two women sat a huge wooden table, shucking corn and gossiping. One of them had a baby on her lap, gnawing on a cookie. The other was at least nine months along. A younger woman stood at the back door, four little ones vying for her attention. She glanced over her shoulder, screamed, and lunged at Jayne.

"Phoebe, get off yer brother. I swear, yer as bad as Mattie some days. Captain, Shepherd, these are my girls. This hellion is Phoebe, she's my second youngest. These three are Enid, Rochelle, and Natasha, the one with the baby is Jasmine, and the one who's 'bout ready to pop over there is Jayne's older sister Brooke," Evie smiled, taking the baby from Jasmine.

"Is it just me, or aren't those the names of Jayne's guns?" Wash asked.

"They are," Mal answered.

"Which one is she, little brother?" Brooke demanded, her eyes resting on Zoe, Kaylee, and River in turn.

"River, this lovely little thing," Evie beamed.

The room went quiet for a moment, and River's head buzzed with bits of thoughts. Her smile faltered, and they noticed. Mattie gently took her hand, and River felt the catty voices flow away from her, the little girl's innocent thoughts a relieving calm she could dock herself it.

"Uncle Jayne's home!" The children cried, swarming into the kitchen.

"I swear, you bring more upheavel into this house than any man in the 'verse, Jaynie," Phoebe laughed.

"Y'all can go out back, we've got some lovely weather today," Jasmine smiled brightly. "We'll have the children entertain you while we get supper on."

"Could I help?" River said timidly, letting Mattie's hand slip through hers.

"Me too," Kaylee said cheerfully.

"Sure, could always use extra hands, 'specially when Jayne's home. Man's got an appetite bigger'n any in the 'verse," Enid grinned.

"You girls gonna be all right if I take some time with yer brother?" Evie asked.

"Yes, Mama."

Jayne followed his mother into her sewin' room, nervous as all hell about what she'd say. She nodded to the chair, and he sat, stiffer'n when River'd told him she could kill him wit her brain. Evie smiled, took out her knitting needles and sat in her favorite rocker that Jayne's father'd made for her when he was courtin' her.

"Well, Ma?"

"She's a mite young, Jayne," Were the first words out of her mouth. "How old are you now, son?"

"Thirty-seven, Ma."

"How old's she?"

"Eighteen."

"Eighteen, Jayne? Couldn't find no older girls? That brother a hers don't much care for you, neither," Evie said quietly. "Hell, Jayne, she's three years older than Phoebe, and eleven older than Mattie."

"I know, Ma."

"You know that yer future bride and soon to be mother of yer children is eleven years older than yer daughter?" Evie snapped. "And the fact that you already got her in the family way? That's not helpin' ya, son."

"You sayin' you disapprove a my choice of a wife?"

Evie dropped a stitch, went back and straightened it. Her face was blank, and her eyes focused on her work. A smile crept onto her lips.

"No, I like her. What's more important is that Mattie likes her. She don't take easily to strangers, as you know. That Simon fellow fer one."

"Doc's all manners a prissy, Ma. Nobody but Kaylee takes to him."

"Kaylee the one you had a crush on when you first got on with them?"

"Ma, she ain't nothin' but like 'nother sister to me."

"And River? You love her, Jayne? You love her like Vera?"

"Vera's dead, Ma." Jayne said stiffly.

"I know, son, I held her hand when she died," Evie said on a shaky breath. "Didn't answer my question, Jayne."

"Ma, man ain't supposed ta -"

"Man ain't supposed ta get a girl in the family way a'fore vows are taken, either, Jayne. I ain't been around yer sisters and sister-in laws, and been through birth eleven times to not know when the girl I'm huggin's with child," Evie snapped, leveling her gaze on him.

"Gorrammitt, Ma - I got feelin's for her, all right? She's got it rough. We ain't plan on gettin' hitched this way, but it were that or me findin' myself a whole manner a dead," Jayne snapped.

"Yer crew woulda killed you?" Evie gasped.

"Simon, he mighta. River'd stop him, clocked him cold a few weeks back fer me."

Evie let it rest at that, squeezing Jayne's hand in hers. He was her first born, and he'd done all manner a good for his family, specially when they'd lost Alistair a few years back. All the new fixin's on the house were cause a Jayne, so was Mattie's medicine, and the money that let 'em keep their land.

"She'll be good fer you, Jayne. I can feel it," Evie smiled.

River felt much more at ease. Given a test, she passed. She excelled, because of Mattie. Had she been stand-offish, she would have been keel-hauled. Took to the child, first test. Stuck by our ornery brother, second test. Wasn't intimidated, third test. Mama likes her, fourth and most important test. Young, but maybe stronger. . .Vera was weak, gave in when Jayne had left. Always weak, didn't deserve Jayne. Their voices pummeled at her mind, but not with the cattiness of before.

"Who's the oldest, how's it go?" Kaylee asked.

"Brooke's the oldest, then Jayne, me, and Enid's two years younger'n me," Jasmine smiled broadly, shifting the baby on her knee.

"Then Dewey, and Martin. They're twins, and about four years younger," Rochelle added, "Then me, and Steven, Natasha, Logan, Phoebe, and little Mattie."

"Y'all married?" Kaylee asked.

"'Cept for Phoebe, Mattie, and Jayne. Logan got hitched two years back. Jayne came home fer the wedding," Enid said. "Thought old Jayne'd go to the grave a bachelor. But it looks like we didn't count on little River here."

"You hooked up with a fella, Kaylee?" Phoebe asked.

"Nah, not - well,"

"She's got eyes on Simon, but he's a boob," River said.

"How so?" Phoebe asked excitedly.

"Simon's not - he's not a boob, River."

"Fails to take action. Fails to act on emotions, he's a boob."

"Don't sound like dinner's bein' made proper - hello," A man said, striding into the kitchen. "Who're you lovelies?"

He was a bit shorter than Jayne, and a bit leaner. He had lighter hair, and was pleasin' to the eye. He grinned, and the grin was of Jayne's. River smiled coyly.

"Logan, this here is Jayne's soon-to-be missus, River. And that genius mechanic Jayne writes about." Enid called.

"Jayne writes about me?"

"Uh-huh, wrote bout y'all, 'cept fer Simon and River. Hasn't said a lick bout them?"

"He write about Canton?" Kaylee said grinning.

"Where?"

Not long after Logan arrived, the rest of the Cobb brothers came home. Each had their family in toe, and the sisters' families arrived. Evie sat at the head of the table, with Jayne and a shy River, who blushed at everything Evie said.

"So, Jayne, we hear yer a bonafide fold hero," Logan yelled across the table.

"What?" Jayne snapped, looking angrily at his crew, and River in particular.

"Kaylee told them, I wasn't there. I was hiding from the hair," River replied, giving Book a dirty look.

"What's all this, Jayne?" Evie smiled.

"Ma, t'ain't nothing."

"Whole town built a statue to him. Gave a magistrate hell, just like old times," Logan grinned.

"Logan, shut yer trap," Jayne warned.

"What's this about old, and I'm assuming, amusing times?" Wash asked the bigger man.

"When Jayne was 'bout sixteen he had a thing fer the magistrate's daughter -"

"Logan, no one wants to hear that story," Evie snapped.

"No, what happened, Logan?" Mattie pressed.

The table went quiet. Jayne glared at his younger brother, and felt like throwing his knife at him. A small hand slipped around his wrist, and he turned to River. Evie watched them carefully.

"Tell us what happened, Jayne," River said quietly. "Tell us a story."

"Ain't nothin' much. Got forbade to see the girl, caused a ruckus in town. Took off after that."

"Magistrate near had a heart attack when Jayne flashed his ass at the man," Logan said laughing, the noise returning to the table.

"What happened to the girl?" Mattie asked.

"Married a rich man, moved off world," Jayne answered.

"Oh. 'Least you got River. If'n you'd married that girl, you'd a never met her."

"Yer right, Mattie," Jayne said quietly.

Beneath the table, Jayne took River's hand in his and squeezed in thanks. River just smiled back at him.