Adam was lying on the bed on his stomach and folded both arms under his chin. He was deep in thought while he waited for Kim to come in. Something had been churning through his mind all day and he wanted to get it out. She was cleaning her teeth having just got home from work and he wished she would hurry up.
Peeling off her shirt as she came back into their bedroom Adam watched her. Her baby bump was well and truly on show and he loved it. She would lie down on the bed and listen as he talked to his baby and it was the sweetest thing. At every opportunity he would talk to her belly and kiss the growing bump. He still couldn't believe that his baby was in here even though he had seen it and in the last few days felt it kicking her gently. He was surprised at how that had made him feel.
Kim had just crawled into bed after a long day at work. While she was basically on desk duty now, she still was in the Bullpen if everyone else was still there working a case and that meant some late nights. She had jumped in the shower quickly and as soon as she had lay down the baby started moving. Adam was half asleep but she nudged him and grabbed his hand. They waited quietly, the past few times as soon as Adam put his hand on her belly it stopped and Adam was starting to get a little impatient.
Suddenly he felt it, three soft little kicks against his hand. "Oh God. Was that it?" He propped himself up on one elbow.
"Yes it was."
"Wow." He could have stayed there all night waiting to feel it again. Dipping down he kissed her stomach and talked to his baby. "I just felt you. You seem so real now."
Still propped up on one elbow he brushed the hair back from Kim's forehead and kissed her softly. "Can I ask?"
She knew this was going to be about her pregnancy with Oliver, he had asked so many questions. Every time they reached a milestone or something happened he wanted to know if she felt this way with Oliver. "Apart from you, obviously. Who felt him move first?"
"Trudy."
"Really?" That didn't surprise him. As time went on he came to understand how involved Trudy was in her pregnancy from that very first moment. Al had been there, but Trudy was her rock especially early on before everyone knew. She was the one that was there that day and held her as she cried for everything she'd lost and the new life living inside her.
"Yep. She never forgot it. I have never seen her smile quite that much." Kim pulled him down to her level. "For some reason he seemed to know when it was Trudy and would always kick for her."
"He was probably too scared not too."
Everyday for the past week he had be able to feel his baby kick and he loved it. He constantly had his hands on her stomach, as soon as she got home from work, in the kitchen or sitting down after dinner and the moment they were both in bed together.
"I've been thinking about something." Adam's hands were again stroking her, running circles around her belly button.
"Hmmm.." she was tired. Kim was desperately waiting for that moment when she wasn't so tired. With each of her previous pregnancies there was always a period of weeks in the middle where she didn't feel quite so exhausted and it couldn't come quick enough. Adam noticed it and it worried him, but then again he worried about everything. How much she was eating or drinking, what she was eating, how much weight she put on and he was constantly at her and Kim did her best to grin and bear it. It was the only thing that was keeping his anxiety under control.
Living with someone who suffered from bouts of anxiety wasn't easy but they managed it as best they could and Kim could tell what set him off and did her best to avoid those situations but it wasn't always possible. The strategies they developed to help him deal with it worked and for the most part he was good. This pregnancy had been a little rough though, he felt like there was little he could control with what was going on with the baby so he foisted all that onto Kim with his fussing. Some thought that he was a little over the top but Kim accepted it for what it was, Adam's way of coping and having him beside her was worth every minute of frustration.
"This scan tomorrow?" Kim was straddling him on the bed and he had both hands on her stomach; they just about covered her whole of the bump when he spread his fingers out. It was their 20-week scan and he was nervous knowing that they would be checking for any problems. Kim seemed calm about it and kept telling him that she had a gut feeling that everything was fine. 'Call it a mother's instinct.'
"What? I know you are freaking out, but it's going to be okay."
"No, it's not that. I don't think I want to find out what is in here." He lifted his head and kissed her belly button.
It was the last thing Kim expected him to say; even yesterday he was talking about finding out and how much he was looking forward to it. "What? Why?"
"I think I like this, the not knowing. Talking to my lentil every day and trying to figure it out." Ever since Kim told him she was pregnant and said that it was the size of a lentil that's what he called it. "Some days I think it's a boy and then other days I decide it's a girl. I really like that."
"Are you sure?" Kim was surprised but also a little emotional. She took it as a sign that he was feeling more settled. Initially he wanted to find out in case he wasn't around, he was scared of missing out again but they had worked through that, a little painfully at times. Sometimes his insecurity just manifested out of nowhere and it often blindsided both of them.
"Yes."
"We could ask them to write it down in an envelope and give it to Erin to hang onto in case you change your mind."
"God no, I don't want that pressure. Knowing that it was written down would drive me insane and you know that would completely send Erin over the edge, she would completely flip out knowing that she had that envelope and wasn't allowed to open it. Do you want to find out?"
"No, I mean if you did I was okay with that but I would rather wait. I like the wondering as well." Kim climbed off and stretched out on the bed beside him. "What are you thinking today?"
"Girl." He kissed her warm skin. "Today, it's a girl."
"And what would you call this little lentil if it was a girl?"
"I haven't thought about it."
"I have. If this is a girl." Kim played with his hair while he rested his cheek on her belly. "Can we call her Charlotte?" Adam's head snapped up.
"Yes." He was a little stunned that she actually remembered that conversation. They had never talked about it after that night that he freaked them out but Kim knew that 'Lola' had a special place in Adam's heart; she was the one thing he never let go. Very rarely did they talk about anything that went on while he was away. Like Adam had to bury his old self when he went into witness protection he wanted to bury Paul Benson. The difference was Paul wasn't a real person so he was easier to forget. He was never as emotionally invested in Paul's life. He never liked him. "Little Lola Burgess Ruzek."
"And if it's a boy we could call him Charlie?" They had already decided that the baby was going to have Burgess as one of the middle names, like Oliver had always carried the Ruzek name.
Adam rested his chin on her stomach and looked thoughtful. "Nah, I have another idea." He crawled up the bed and whispered in her ear. Kim smiled and nodded and they never talked about any other names.
She grabbed his face and pulled him in for a long slow kiss. Suddenly she wasn't quite so tired.
Adam loved seeing his baby. "Wow, It looks like a baby." He was genuinely shocked to see the face and hands waving about and it's legs kicking away when they had the scan. Last time he saw it he was a little stunned that it looked like 'ET' "What's wrong with its head? It's huge." He had almost passed out from the shock and it took a little reassuring and Kim getting him to calm down and look at Oliver's scans when they got home before he actually believed it was normal. Now he thought it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen.
"Now if that's not a Ruzek I don't know what is." Kim laughed when the Sonographer commented at how active it was.
Sitting in the waiting room before they went in Kim asked him again if he was sure that he didn't want to find out the sex of the baby. "I am sure. All I want to know is that our little lentil is okay has all it's bits in all the right spots and is growing." He was rubbing his thumb in circles on the back of her hand. "And healthy. As long as both of you are healthy that's all that matters to me now."
And it did. It had all its bits, they were all where they were supposed to be and the baby was growing well. Adam was relieved; Kim could feel him physically relax through the appointment. The longer the pregnancy went on the more he calmed down, seeing her stomach growing with his baby was very therapeutic for him. When he was struggling Kim would rest his hand on her stomach and watch him relax.
"Hello my little legume." That night Adam whispered quietly as he peppered Kim's stomach with kisses. "I saw you today, I saw your ten little fingers and toes. You look perfect. I can't wait to meet you."
Erin was not impressed. "Why did he change his mind?" Erin followed Kim through to the small kitchen when she got into work after her appointment and poured herself a coffee while Kim made a ginger tea. She didn't really need it any more, it had helped with her nausea but it had become a habit of sorts.
"I think it's a good thing. He wanted to know in case he wasn't around. He was terrified of missing out again but I think he feels really settled and safe now and that is such a relief."
"That is great."
"Who knows, next week he might feel completely different but I hang on to the good times as much as I can."
"He's getting better though."
"Oh definitely. Those bad days are few and far between."
And they were. When did he have bad days, he would zone out for a bit and Kim always told him to jump on his bike and go for a ride but he would always make a point of telling her now he was going and take his phone with him. They didn't need to re-live that night again. He would disappear for a few hours, come back and hold onto Kim for a few minutes and get on with life. She had worked out it was on significant days in his life, the other life. His 'birthday', the anniversary of his 'death', the day he knew his real life was done. They all meant something and it was not always good but he had to live through them and Kim and the kids lived through it with him.
Oliver had learnt that it did not mean Adam was leaving again, that he didn't want to go away and not be part of their life anymore. Kim could certainly see a common link between the two of them, they both could get a little anxious.
Daisy would curl up on his lap and snuggle into him. It was amazing to watch that bond continue to develop. She had no idea how Daisy knew when he needed her but she just did.
"About time you got here." Jay barked at him when he finally arrived a Molly's. They had organised to meet for a beer after Adam got off work; he'd been at the Academy for a few days doing some further training. Jay had been home most of the day with Grace and Daisy while the women folk had gone out Baby shopping. Oliver had ended up at Joey's house, he wasn't interested in shopping and neither did he want to spend his afternoon with two giggling Gerties.
"Why? What did I do?" He ordered a beer as he sat down.
"Thank you very much."
"What? Dude, you need to relax a little. Tough day with the little ladies?" Adam chuckled. "How are they and what sort of damage did your wife make mine do to the credit card?"
"You might want to pick up a few extra shifts." Jay finally smiled. "Anyway, I overheard a lovely conversation today about how you got your baby in Kim's stomach."
"Oh."
"Yes, Oh indeed. Now Gracie wants me to get my penis, or my magic wand as it's apparently known and put a baby in Mommy's belly too." Adam threw his head back and roared with laughter.
Jay could hear them whispering and made the fatal mistake of stopping to listen. "My Adam put his sperm in Mommy's womb, that's were the baby is and she had this special egg and now a baby grows. He puts it in their with his penis. I don't know how, Mommy didn't eat it. Maybe your Daddy knows?"
Daisy had been calling Adam, my Adam for quite a while now and he loved it. The first time she said it he got a little emotional, he really did love her like she was his own and she was never left in any doubt that either Adam or her father loved her.
"Then how does he do it?" Grace whispered. "Maybe he can tell my Daddy and I can get a baby too?" A five and a six year old discussing sex would be highly amusing if it wasn't his daughter involved and he was quite happy to blame Daisy, because well she was older and it was her mother that was pregnant and then there was the fact she spent far too much time with Ruzek.
"I think it's magic." Daisy could not for the life of her work it out. Her mother had told her it was about a special type of love between grown ups but she didn't know what that meant. Perhaps it was the kissing?
Gracie's eyes widened. "Like a magic wand?"
"I think so."
Adam couldn't stop laughing. "My magic wand? Never called it that before. I've called it a lot of things but never that."
"Seriously, where the hell did that come from?" Jay frowned and ordered another beer.
"When we first told them about the baby Daisy was asking Kim where the baby was and she wanted to know how it got in there." He shrugged. "Magic wand, I don't know. We never used those words. I suppose when you are six things don't really make sense."
Both Grace and Daisy had eventually wandered out of her bedroom and Jay hoped like hell that the conversation had moved on. Typically they pin balled around from one topic to another at lightening speed so there was a fair chance they might just be talking about the tooth fairy by now. "Daddy? Can you and Mommy make a baby like Adam and Kim?" It wasn't Jay's lucky day.
"Hmmm, I don't think so Gracie."
"Why? Don't you have a penis like Adam? His is like a magic wand and he gave Kim something and now they have a baby growing." It was not that Jay didn't want another baby, he did desperately but Erin was adamant that one was enough and it had been rough on both of them for a while. Her Post Natal Depression was horrific and she was terrified of going back there again. Jay couldn't blame her really and they were truly blessed with Gracie.
"What did you say?" Adam thought it was all highly entertaining, especially the mortified look on Jay's face.
"Oh, it got worse." Adam swore that Jay almost shuddered at the memory.
"Well Daisy is very lucky and so are we. We get to see her new brother or sister soon but not have to worry about a crying baby all night." He tried to change the subject and offered them food to eat, which seemed to work for a bit until Daisy blurted out. "Jay, how does my Adam's sperm get inside Mommy?" He gaped at both of them sitting up at the table, shoving down the cheese and crackers he gave them and they both looked so innocent but he swore they were both channelling the devil at that moment.
"I think that is something you need to ask Adam."
Adam tipped his beer in his direction. "Thanks Buddy."
"What?" Jay tried to look indignant. "That was horrific. I'd rather do a death notification than that. How's does my Adam's sperm get inside my mommy?" he mocked.
Adam rested a hand on his shoulder. "Well Jay, when a man and a woman really love each other they do this special thing…."
Jay held up his hand. "Please just drink your beer. We have to pick up pizza on the way home and you have to explain to two little girls how you got Kim pregnant."