Okay, completely out of the blue I know, I was cleaning up my computer and found this deleted chapter from Ghosts, I thought some of you might like it.

Now don't get too excited...it's a one off. I haven't had even the slightest inkling of an idea or the inspiration to write.

Enjoy.

Kim rolled over, although that was a bit of a misnomer, it was more like a hauling motion as she tried to manoeuvre her large stomach from one side of the bed to the other so she could lever herself out of bed and to the bathroom. Her bladder was about the size of a pea and the human growing inside her was taking great delight in dancing on it.

She waddled to the bathroom and honestly she did not think her skin could take anymore stretching. Everything was aching, her hips ached, her back throbbed constantly and it was a challenge just walking up the three stairs to her apartment without stopping to catch her breath. The last few days had really taken it out of her.

"Jesus." She muttered when she barely squeezed out a pee. "You woke me for that?" Reaching for some toilet paper she grimaced a little at the pain in her side. "Okay, enough." Resting one hand on her belly and the other on the cabinet she took a few deep breaths and hauled herself off the toilet.

Falling back to sleep was always something she excelled at, her mind went blank as soon as he head hit the pillow so by the time she had been woken for the fourth time Kim couldn't stop the deep guttural sob she felt rising up inside her when she realised what was happening.

"Not yet, please little one. I am not ready to let you go, I am not ready to not have part of him inside me. Not yet." Technically she had a week to go so anytime now she could go into labour. It was easy to pinpoint her due date because the crazy night this all happened was burned into her brain. It was wild, passionate and full of angst, anger and a deeply buried love. It was pleasure and pain all rolled into one.

Lying on her side she watched the clock, the minutes ticking by. Twenty minutes and by the time two hours had passed as she stared at the numbers Kim finally admitted that she was indeed in the final hours of her pregnancy.

They had a plan, for when this moment arrived and Kim ignored it. This was her last few hours with this sense of calm she felt with her baby inside her; it controlled her grief. It was irrational that she felt that by giving birth to this baby, when that cord was cut that she would lose part of him when in reality from the moment she conceived they were tied together in the most primal and everlasting ways, even if he would never see his child.

She wanted to hold her baby and tell them about their Dad but she was scared that she would one day have to explain to them why he wasn't here and that the last words he said to her was 'Thanks for that. See you at work.' They hadn't had a personal conversation about what they were doing for weeks. No 'I love you.' No sweet nothings. 'It's just sex Kim, don't freak out. It's nothing, just sex.'

There had been moments when she had been angry, angry at him for leaving, angry at him for dying and angry at herself for being so stupid and getting pregnant. They were adults for fuck's sake, they knew how these things worked, and being drunk and angry at each other was not ideal conditions for conceiving. She also worried about the stress she was under and what it had done to her baby; had she damaged it, would they struggle, suffer from anxiety. Would they hate her for not having a Dad? It was then she got angry with Adam again, he should have been a man and stayed so they could work it out, he was gutless and he ran away. He didn't deserve this baby.

But she loved him, desperately so and she missed him. And it hurt like hell.

Pulling on some leggings and a hoodie Kim checked her phone to make sure she had it charged and headed out. She needed fresh air and surprisingly she felt a little lighter, only slowing her brisk walk when a contraction made her and by the time she got home they were getting harder to ignore. Not that she could ignore them, every single one was a reminder that her whole world was about to change forever.

By the time she got out of the shower they were ten minutes apart and took her breath away but still she wanted to be alone. "This is not fun." She talked to her baby. "I know you are probably telling me to call someone but if I can't have your Daddy I want to be alone for now. Is that okay?"

Pulling out a box from her closet she found a comfortable position sitting crossed legged on the floor and opened the lid. The first photo took her breath away. It was taken when they were newly engaged and he was carrying her on his back through a muddy field so she wouldn't get her shoes dirty. Kevin had been with them and teased him mercilessly and snapped the photo. She had found it shoved in his desk drawer when she had first come up to Intelligence. When they had cleaned out his desk after they learnt that he was never coming home Kim had kept it. One day she would show his child how happy they were, once upon a time. Working her way through the box took her mind off the regular contractions but her breath caught in her throat when she found the small velvet bag in the bottom on the box, lying next to his badge she held it in one hand and fingered the bag with the other. She hadn't opened this since they day they gave it to her.

Tugging on the silken ties she tipped the contents onto her palm. Her engagement ring felt like a dead weight on her hand, cold and lifeless and it still made her heart skip a beat, like the day she found it in her locker. "Oh god I miss you." She sobbed. As another contraction took her breath away she held onto them and tried to breathe. Putting the ring back in its bag she quickly replaced it and all the photos closed the lid and put it back in it's place at the back of her closet. Back where she buried him. One day she wanted his child to have it.

Grabbing her packed bag out she checked she had everything and slipped the last thing into the side pocket. She could no longer ignore the regular contractions and the panic was starting to overwhelm her along with the pain of each contraction as they edged closer and closer together and intensified.

"Hi Kim, I was just about to call you…" It was the same phone call she got everyday, one of the many.

"Erin…." Kim sobbed desperately.

"Kim, I am on my way." Erin was yelling at Jay to get in the car. "What's happening?"

"Just hurry."

Within ten minutes Erin and Jay were letting themselves into her apartment and they found Kim leaning against the kitchen bench rocking back and forth. "How long? Have your water's broken? When did it start? Do you need to push?"

It was position that she never wanted to be in, being Kim's birth partner, it shouldn't have been her but she did not even hesitate when Kim asked her months ago if she would help her. "Platt has offered but there is no way I could ever look her in the face again if she saw all my bits."

"Of course I'll do it. I won't be looking below your waist though, just so you know."

They had gone to classes together and the disapproving looks they got had gone on for a few weeks before Kim angrily told them that her baby's father was dead. "So shove that in your pipe and smoke it." she spat before storming from the room. They found another class to attend and decided to announce up front the situation they were in, it wasn't a baby has two mommy's fantasy. She was determined to learn every single little thing in minute detail; she had to do everything within her power to protect this precious life growing inside her. So many people needed this baby to be okay, none more so than its mother.

"How long?"

"Since about 4am."

"Why didn't you call?"

"I wanted to be alone." Kim sobbed. "I wanted…" the rest of the sentence died on her lips as she felt another contraction starting, a little sooner than the last.

"Let's get you to the hospital. Where is your bag?" Erin was satisfied that Kim wasn't too far gone as she sent Jay for her bag and they both helped her down to the car. Sitting in the back with Kim Erin held her hand as she sobbed all the way to the hospital.

Once they were admitted Jay called all the names on the list that Kim had meticulously written, who needed to be notified and who she wanted to know that the time had come, but she didn't want to see anyone. It was just her and Erin.

The hours ticked by and Kim was tiring and she refused any assistance. No drugs, no interventions. "It's stupid isn't it?" She asked Erin during a brief respite.

"What is?"

"That I am scared of having this baby. Most moms want to meet their baby; I want them to stay in here forever. I don't want to lose part of him, it's like he is in here." She ran her hands protectively over her baby belly.

"No it's not, but I do know that the moment you meet this little one you we will realise that he's still with you. You are having his baby, that's amazing Kim."

"Do you think he'll be happy with me? For keeping it?"

"Oh sweetheart, he'll love it, he loved you so much. This baby would have bought you back together, where you belonged, with each other. Perhaps it still is. He's always going to be part of your life and imagine being able to hold his child and tell them all about their daddy."

"I can't." Kim shook her head; she gripped the edge of the bed and started to rock. "I can't."

Erin had seen it in the bag when Kim had asked her to get her essential oils out. She had always been a big fan of Lavender Oil especially and often used it for headaches and tension even before she fell pregnant. She also had some clary sage, which was good for calming you during labour and Erin put a drop in each palm and let Kim inhale it. She'd felt calmer after that for a while and she asked for them again now and instead of the oil she placed the badge in her hands. "He's here with you. Hold onto that thought. He's right here."

The labour had stalled a little, not that the contractions were easing off, they just weren't getting any closer. "Okay Kim, listen to me." The Doctor was resting her hands on her knees. "While the baby is doing really well I think we need to get this moving along. I would like to rupture your membranes and see if that is holding things back."

"Will it hurt the baby?"

"No, I won't touch the baby. It will be uncomfortable for you for a couple of minutes while we insert a little hook and break the sack. After that expect the contractions to get rather intense."

"They feel pretty intense already."

"I know, and just when you think they can't get worse they probably will. You are 9cm dilated, this will give you the last little shove and then we can meet your precious baby."

"I don't want to hurt them."

"Kim, look at me." The Doctor waited until Kim met her eyes. "Right now your baby is handling labour really well but it's been long enough, I don't want you to run into trouble. Let's do this." She was gentle and encouraging and Kim looked at Erin for her opinion and she nodded her head.

They felt that Kim was holding back. Erin had talked to the Doctor when Kim was showering earlier and they discussed this possibility. While you couldn't completely stop a labour by sheer will Kim's reluctance to let go may just slow things down a little. The mind was an amazingly powerful thing and when you had spent nine months letting the growing life inside you control your grief it was hard to flip the switch and embrace this part of the journey. "I want to meet your baby, sweetheart. It's time to let go."

Within minutes of the rupture Kim gasped as she suddenly felt the need to push. It was excruciating and she felt like she was about to split in half and with each push she got closer and closer to giving up. When she almost did give up Erin noticed a change in her and she grabbed the badge off the cabinet and put it in her hand. "He's right here sweetheart."

"It hurts so much." It wasn't just the labour causing her pain, combined with her crushing grief that had bubbled to the surface today Kim was barely coping. The pressure building within her was incredible and she pushed like her life depended on it, certainly the life of her child did.

"Deep breaths Kim." The Doctor instructed. "Almost there, you are doing well. Next contraction just a little push."

Erin helped her sit up a little and the midwife pulled down her gown and with the next push she collapsed back on the bed as they lay the perfect little human on her chest. "Oh Kim." Erin smiled and laid her hand on the baby's back, just below Kim's.

They both looked at the Doctor quickly. "Congratulations Mom, it's a beautiful little boy."

"It's a boy?" Kim gasped and the doctor nodded. Kim stared at the baby on her chest and burst into tears as Erin leant her head on Kim's forehead.

"Oh Kim, he's beautiful. Congratulations." Her tears mingled with Kim's as they watched the infant squirm and claw at her skin. He was screaming and it was the most beautiful sound she had heard. The sound of life. The midwife came and helped Kim offer him her breast. The earlier he started feeding the better, even a little bit would help and they found that babies that were put to the breast within minutes of being born were more successful at breast feeding and Kim was determined to feed her baby.

Looking at his face staring up at her Kim burst into tears again. "He looks like Adam."

"He does." Erin wasn't sure if he did or didn't but if that's what Kim thought then that was good enough for her. "He's beautiful Kim. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For letting me be here for you and..." She stroked his foot softly. "…for him."

Once he had finished trying to feed they took him to be weighed and examined and Erin went with him. Kim didn't want him left alone for one second. Once he had a clean bill of health they wrapped him up and handed him to Erin as the tears streamed down her face. Lifting him up gently she kissed his forehead. "Little man, I promise to always be in your corner. You've got a whole room full of people just outside who have your back and your Mom's. You are our precious little boy. I love you so much."

The room emptied out and Kim and Erin appreciated the calm and quiet. Her little boy was sleeping in her arms and she never wanted to let him go. Her whole heart was in her hands, not only her heart but Adam's as well and that overwhelmed her the most, that she was responsible for the only piece of Adam left in the world. She looked at him, so tiny and innocent and every time she thought about his father, that some part of him was still alive in her arms she cried. It seemed unfathomable that a part of Adam survived. "Can you ask Adam's parents to come in?"

Erin slipped outside. She had taken some photos to show the others but not until Bob and Janet had gone in. "It's a boy." She sobbed as Jay held her up. "He's perfect, he's healthy, they both are. Kim is so overwhelmed right now."

"Hi." Again the tears flowed as soon as Bob and Janet opened the door. They were holding each other's hands tightly. She had asked Erin not to tell them, she wanted to tell them. "Come in." she beckoned them tearfully. "Meet you grandson."

"It's a boy?" Janet gasped as her hands flew to her mouth. "I can't believe it."

"Do you want to hold him?" While she didn't want to let him go seeing Adam's parents with a part of their son they thought they'd never get would be beautiful. They way they had stepped up and been by her side every step of the way, from the moment she told them they were going to be grandparents they had forgotten all the hate and angst that had soured their son's childhood and promised to not let that ruin their grandchild. It was like they were being given a second chance to do right by their son.

"He's perfect. Like his Daddy." Janet sobbed as Kim placed her son's child in her arms. "He looks like Adam."

"He's beautiful Kim." Bob dragged his eyes away from his grandson and hugged Kim. "Thank you."

As he hugged Kim he saw the badge sitting on the cabinet beside her and just held her a little tighter. "I feel him here with us." He whispered. "He'd be so proud of you, I'm proud of you and I promise I won't let you down. I won't let Adam's little boy down."

"I know."

Janet reluctantly let Bob have a cuddle while she focused on Kim. "How are you?"

"I'm tired. I'm okay…" She buried her face in her hands as the tears fell. Janet joined her and wrapped her arms around the broken hearted woman. Before Adam died she hadn't had much to do with Kim and when they split up she actually hated her for breaking her sons heart. Even at his memorial service she had told Kim that she would never forgive her for letting her son die broken hearted. When they found out that she was pregnant with his child and saw how desperately in love with her son she was her heart softened and over the past eight months they had grown close. They had a deep heart to heart conversation not long after the pregnancy announcement and agreed that all that mattered now was this baby and what was in the past would stay there.

"Just remember, you are not alone. We are here whatever you need. Thank you for my grandson, thank you for keeping Adam alive for me."

"I miss him so much. I just want him to hold his child. I know he would have been here with me today."

"Oh honey, he adored you. He is here, in that little boy beats the heart of his father."

Kim was suddenly alone with her little boy. Bob and Janet had left, Intelligence had all come in and met him. It was an emotional time and every time a midwife walked into the room someone was crying. "Well he is a precious boy." She patted Kim's hand when she apologised for all the crying people.

Laying him on the bed in front of her she unwrapped him gently and spent the next half hour touching every part of him, falling in love with him even more than she thought possible. Now he was here it felt very different. Erin had been right, while it was comforting having Adam's child growing inside her being able to see him and hold him bought Adam even closer.

"Your Daddy would love you so much. I don't think he'd ever let you go." She ran one finger over his lips. "I love you so much."

The little boy stretched his legs out and she bent down and kissed his feet. "You are so perfect." His skin was so soft and warm, his legs were long and she smiled as they stuck up in the air. He was almost 23inches long, which was a little above average and weighed a touch over 8lbs. Watching his strange movements was enchanting. He was all arms and legs and he had no control over them whatsoever. Touching his soft dark hair she hoped it would get a little lighter, more like his Daddy's but she loved the way it felt beneath her fingers. Her favourite part though was when he opened his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes were like looking into the past, they looked through her and she hoped she could see how much she loved every part of him. "I love you little man. I promise to protect you; I promise you'll always know your Daddy. I'll make him proud of me because I am going to make you spectacular."

Her message was beautiful as was the photo she sent of her perfect little boy with his tiny hand resting on his father's badge.

'This little man has stolen my heart completely. It no longer beats in my chest; it's in his. In his chest beats the heart of his father. He is perfect. He is my little darlin'…my son arrived safely at 9.02pm last night. I made a beautiful boy that will never get to meet his Daddy but he will always know how much I loved him. I know you will all help me raise him right.'

"How did you sleep? How was the night?" Erin was in early, on her way to work with the biggest bunch of balloons and a beautiful little rabbit for her baby. She had him out of Kim's arms and in her own in an instant.

"I didn't sleep at all. I held him all night. I am scared to let him go."

"He's not going anywhere Sweetheart."

"I am scared if I close my eyes I will wake up and find this has all been a dream. That I don't have Adam's baby, it was all a lie." Kim wiped her eyes for the hundredth time. She was exhausted and she knew the midwives were worried about her. "Tell me it's not a dream."

"Kim, sweetheart. It's not a dream. This is very real." She nodded at the baby in her own arms. "Trust me, this is not a dream."

When her sister arrived, Erin had already talked to her and she offered to stay all day so that Kim could sleep. "I promise to not leave if you promise to sleep. I will wake you when he needs to feed but you need to sleep Kim. He's not going anywhere." Now that the baby was here it was the start of a whole new world of worry. How Kim coped with the pregnancy was one thing and after a rough few months when her grief was overwhelming she started to get back on her feet, it still seemed a little surreal that she was having a baby considering the circumstances and it was not how she pictured her life unfolding. But that was yesterday and today she was a mother and the grief came back, they knew it would and they had to navigate their way through it.

"Don't let anyone take him away."

She rested her hand on her sister's cheek. "Kim, please sleep. It's okay, I'll be here."

The midwife was relieved to see her sleeping when she came in to check on them both. "Please don't wake her?" Amanda begged.

"I am not going to wake her. I am glad she's asleep; it's been a long night for her. How is she this morning, apart from tired?"

"Good I think. I little overwhelmed but she said he is doing well." Amanda was standing next to the baby's cot as the midwife checked his feeding chart. They didn't want to touch him in case he woke and that would wake Kim up.

"He is doing very well but we will need Kim to relax a little to help him feed a bit better. I understand this is a very emotional time for your sister. Just keep encouraging her to rest. I think this little man knows how special his Mom is and he'll look after her."

"He is special. If he's anything like his Daddy he won't let her fall too far." The midwife squeezed Amanda's hand as a little sob caught in her throat. "I wish he was here."

"Kim's got an amazing support group."

"That's her family."

"He's a lucky little boy."

Kim woke with a start. She blinked a few times trying to figure out what woke her. For just a moment she thought she saw him, with her baby. With his baby but it was a dream, she sat up suddenly and realised she was alone in the room. Alone except for her son, their son and he was asleep.

Falling back against the pillows Kim tried to breathe. Surprisingly she felt calm, even if it was a dream it was comforting because he looked happy. In her dreams Adam was happy and in love with his son. She knew that he would be happy with her decision to keep the baby, not that it was even a decision, she did not even contemplate not having him but she did wonder if Adam would have asked her not to have it, that perhaps he didn't want to be tied to her forever. Trudy had told her, in true Trudy fashion that she was being stupid. "Kim", she barked "I know you have all these crazy pregnancy hormones crashing around in there but that is the stupidest thing you've said since.." she waved her hands around. "..well since you agreed to bump uglies with Roman."

"Can we not go there?" Kim had sniped back at her. "I know I fucked up."

"Yes, yes you did, many times. This baby however is not one of those times."

As the months rolled by she was convinced that Adam would be happy. People convinced her he would have wanted this. She wished she could have asked him though. Seeing him tonight, in her dream was like she was asking and he looked at her and he was happy and she had her answer. It settled over her comfortably, it didn't scare her or break her. It made her more determined than ever to raise this little man into someone spectacular.

Leaning over she pulled the cot closer to side of her bed and lay down so she would see his little face as he slept. Resting one hand on his tummy Kim told him about his Daddy. "I loved him so much and we made mistakes but you weren't one of them little man." She was no closer to a name, the only thing she was sure of was his middle and last names would be James Ruzek Burgess. His actual name she had no idea. Kim closed her eyes, hoping that Adam would come back and she'd ask him but he never did.

Two days later she took him home. Erin came with her and helped her carry all the gifts they had received into her apartment. She was overwhelmed with the outpouring of love they where shown. Her cupboards were fully stocked and her freezer was crammed with pre-cooked meals. All she had to do was heat and eat.

They had a few hours alone and Kim tried not to be overwhelmed by the thought that she had no safety net anymore, the midwives had been wonderful but she needed to bring him home and start her life as a single mom with her little boy.

Her first visitor at home was Al. He'd stopped by the hospital everyday and now that she was at home he wanted to bring her something. He made Kim sit down and relax while he made his own coffee and then picked up the baby and sat down next to Kim, handing her a gift bag.

Inside the bag was a teddy bear. It looked worn and well loved and Kim looked at Al and he was starting at her boy and she saw the little tear in the corner of his eye. "Al?"

"It belonged to Lexi. I want you to have it, I want him to have it."

"Al, are you sure. This is Lexi's, you should keep it."

"No I shouldn't. I have plenty of things of Lexi's, I have photo's and memories." He shook his head sadly. "So much death Kim, I've seen too much. I've lost both my children."

"You still have Michelle, one day Al she'll come back."

"I'm not talking about Michelle. I'm talking about Lexi and Adam. This is a new start, a new life and I want him to have it. It will watch over him. His name is Tad. She couldn't say teddy." He smiled as the memory washed over him. "Please Kim, I want you to have it."

"Thank you Al." A little thought popped into her head and without a doubt she knew her little boy's name. She kept it to herself though, Janet and Bob were coming over tonight and she wanted them to hear it first.

They bought her dinner with them and Kim appreciated it. Everyone told her to rest when the baby did but he didn't sleep much today as he settled into his new home and she felt weary. Apart from that first night when she didn't sleep at all she had no problems now falling asleep, exhaustion was kicking her ass. The moment he woke though, she was awake. "How are you feeling?" Janet had put a load of washing on and tidied up a little when she arrived. She let Kim take a shower while she cuddled her grandson.

"I think I have chosen a name. It came to me today." Kim had tried it out on him and she liked it. All afternoon she had been calling him by his name and it felt right. She hoped Adam's parents would understand why she couldn't call him Adam; she knew that Janet was hoping for it. "His name is Oliver." One day she would tell them why but right now it was probably a kick in the guts to know she chose Oliver because of the role Alvin Olinsky played in their son's life and the role he was about to play in his child's future.

"Oliver." She repeated and looked at the little boy in her arms, her little Adam. "I think it suits you."

"Oliver James Ruzek Burgess. Do you think Adam would like it?"

"He would." Janet was a little disappointed that she had chosen not to name him Adam but understood that it was just too painful right now. His death was still too raw. At least he would forever carry his father's name; he would always be a Ruzek.

'We made it home. Oliver James Ruzek Burgess is safely home, being loved and adored. Thank you for making us feel on top of the world and despite the odd cloud I can see the sun shining and I feel like Oliver and I can take on the world. One day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.' Kim sent the message to all her family with a cute photo of Oliver asleep in his own bed with Tad watching over him.

Oliver healed her broken heart.