Another deleted chapter for your reading pleasure :)
The meltdown was epic, stunning in it's ferocity and frightening to watch. It was a side of Adam that Kim had never seen or imagined that he was capable of. She had never been scared of him before, and even now she wasn't so much scared of him but scared for him.
It was out of the blue.
Adam had applied to rent a property and was knocked back because 'he had no credit history.' That was a kick in the guts; it was really just the straw that broke the camel's back. He'd just had to go through the process of getting his birth certificate again, well more to the point he had to get his death certificate withdrawn. It was just an endless stream of paperwork and he was handballed from department to agency and back again. Being told that he had no credit history, no work history or savings records was like being smacked back down constantly. Even his bank account was suspended because Paul Benson didn't exist anymore. Every time he got back on his feet something was right around the corner ready to knock him over again. Kim wasn't surprised by today; it had to come eventually.
"Where is he?" Kim dropped everything when his Dad called and threw her bag on the table as she frantically arrived. No one was sure why it became Kim's responsibility to handle Adam but she was the only one he would talk to when he was spiralling. They knew that he had confided a lot more in Kim than anyone else, except perhaps Al and even then Kim was probably way ahead of even him with regards to being Adam's confidant. They worried that it was too big a burden for Kim to carry alone but Adam refused to speak to his Dad about any of this.
Bob had sounded panicked when he called her, he'd never seen him this bad.
"Outside." He looked as bad as he sounded. "Kim…." He tried to stop her. "..he's angry. I'm scared he'll hurt you."
"Have you talked to him?"
"He won't say anything."
Kim patted his hand, trying to reassure his worried father. "He won't hurt me Bob."
Kim was willing to try; she had to try. She promised never to let him twist in the wind and he was in the middle of a tornado right now. Peering out the window she could see him smashing an axe into an old tree stump and he didn't stop as she approached him, making some noise as she came out the back door to let him know that he wasn't alone. "Adam." He ignored her.
Kim stepped a little closer. "Adam."
He stopped mid swing and glared at her. "What the fuck do you want?"
"To see you. You seem to be having a bad day?"
"Ha." He started swinging the axe again. "Fuck off."
Kim didn't leave; she just stood and watched him swing the axe repeatedly. The anger in him was staggering, it was peeling off him in waves. Suddenly he threw the axe, bent down and picked up two pieces of wood and threw them at the fence. "What happened Adam?"
"Adam? Who's Adam?" he sneered sarcastically. "He's dead remember."
"Okay." Kim felt she was getting there, she was starting to see why he was spinning. "What happened?"
"Paul, call me Paul." He took three quick steps and was just inches from her, his face shoved up close to his and his breathing was ragged. "Say it."
"No, Adam." Kim didn't move and neither did he. "No." Reaching up to touch his face, in the vain hope of breaking him from his trance she was surprised when he grabbed her wrist tightly. "Adam. Let me go."
Instantly he released his grip and took a step back. "You should go."
"I think I'll stay."
Adam took a step forward and he towered over her again. "I don't want you here."
"Good to know. I am not leaving though so either you talk to me or we just stay here and not talk but I am staying."
Adam just laughed, a little manically. "Great."
He spent the next half hour with the axe again in his hand and hacking away at the stump and the edge seemed to have come off. Kim pulled up a log and watched him, she said nothing and Adam didn't even look at her. Bob did come out at one stage and Kim just waved him away. She noticed a change in Adam when he realised his Dad was there and he was getting agitated again.
After a while he pulled a piece of paper from his back pocket and threw it at her feet without a word. Picking it up she was horrified to read that it was a letter from the FEDS. 'With regards to your enquiry for case number FKO-746-989-X3, not such case number is registered with this office.' He heard her gasp.
"I guess I no longer exist." He spat out a little bitterly.
"This is bullshit."
"No it's not. It's quite fucking obvious isn't it? They have washed their hands of me. Adam Ruzek is a dead man walking."
"Except the fact you are standing right here."
"Maybe it's Paul."
"I don't want Paul, I much prefer Adam."
He came and stood in front of her, his eyes were a little wild and he pulled her up off the log. "Maybe you should choose Paul. Maybe I can fuck you, you know that's something Paul would probably do." He grabbed her hips and pulled her roughly against his body and grabbed her ass with one hand. Kim didn't flinch, this wasn't Adam and she wasn't about to fight him and get him angrier than he already was. "He wouldn't give a fuck about how you'd feel about it tomorrow or when he stopped calling in a week or a month's time. Would you like that?"
Kim stayed calm. "No, don't talk to me like that Adam."
"I'm not Adam, forget Adam." He kissed her roughly, his hand on her throat and the other wrapped around her waist holding her tightly. Kim tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her so she shoved him hard in the chest. "See told you you'd prefer Paul."
"Don't. I didn't like it. I don't like Paul at all, he's not real." She pointed her finger at him angrily. "Don't do that again." Kim stepped closer to him rested her hand on his cheek. "Let me feel Adam." She demanded. "Let me feel you." This kiss was softer, slower and less frantic.
Kim could feel him soften, he was melting into the kiss and suddenly he stepped away and shook his head. "You don't get it do you? There is no Adam." He screamed at her. "They don't care." He was waving his arms around wildly. "They don't want Adam alive, I was supposed to die, I was never supposed to come back. Even though they offered me the choice I was supposed to say no. They don't want this."
"Okay." Kim grabbed his face with both her hands. "I don't care what they want. You are here; you are staying here. You are Adam, I can see him and feel him, I felt you."
"You don't want me."
"Adam, I always wanted you."
"I don't know what to do." He staggered a little and ended up sitting up against the tree stump he had been butchering and pulled his knees into his chest, buried his face in his hands and sobbed. "I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix this." Kim knelt in front of him and pulled his hands away from his face. He looked so broken and she let him wrap his arms around her.
"Fix what?"
"Me."
"Breathe Adam, please. We will work this out and we want to help you. Every single day Adam."
"Some days…."
"Hey, please tell me you are going to say some days are harder than others but I am glad I am back because I don't want to hear any other shit."
"I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"That I am going to wake up one day and find this is just a sick twisted dream. That you aren't here, that I haven't touched you again or kissed you. That Oliver isn't real."
"He is real. He is very real and he loves you so much."
"I am scared that one day they will come back and say, sorry this has been a mistake, it's too hard to let you be Adam Ruzek and we need you to be Paul Benson again."
"That's over Adam, he's gone. Paul isn't real, you are. He was never a real person. You are here Adam, you are a real person."
"It's not over in my head." It was heartbreaking to see him so desperate. They just kept kicking him and Kim was furious. She had no idea who these people were, or thought they were but hadn't he suffered enough? How could they just tell him his file, this monster case that was fucked three ways from Sunday just disappears? This doesn't just disappear with the push of a button.
Right now though that didn't matter, what mattered was the man in front of her who had been bought to his knees again by these faceless assholes in his father's backyard begging for help. She talked to him, comforted him and eventually took him inside. Kim went and sat with him but she did ask Bob to do something for her. He was beside himself watching it all unfold but equally impressed at the dedication and patience that Kim was showing his son.
Bob knew the road was still rough and he honestly didn't know if Adam was going to make it out the other end. He understood why Kim wanted to wait to introduce him to his son; however once they met it had been the best thing for him and also for Oliver. It didn't mean that these moments weren't going to happen and as hard as it was he had to stand back and let the only person his son would let help him do what she thought was best.
He did as Kim asked. Quietly leaving his house as Kim went back to sitting with Adam He wasn't saying much right now but he was lying down in the bedroom that Bob had set up for Adam when he came back. He would often stay here when Bob had Oliver over. Kim sat on the edge of the bed with her hand on his chest. He wasn't asleep but his eyes were closed and he felt less agitated. "I wish Paul was here just for an hour." Adam spoke suddenly but he wasn't angry at the moment.
"Why?"
"Because he wouldn't be scared."
"Scared of what?"
"You." His answer was simple and honest. "He wouldn't be scared of being with you."
Kim ran her hands over his face, capturing those little tears and pressed her lips lightly against his. She rested her head on his forehead and whispered. "Paul wouldn't stand a chance."
"Do I?"
"Who's asking?"
"Adam."
Kim didn't answer him but she did stay with her hands on his chest and forehead touching his. Before he had the chance to say anything else Bob knocked on the door lightly and Kim told Adam she would be back in a minute. "Don't go." He panicked.
"Adam, just close your eyes and take a few deep breaths." She took a deep breath herself and let it out and encouraged him to join her. "In and out." After a few moments Kim slipped out quietly.
He tried to focus on his breathing but it was taking too long, she was gone too long. If only he could get up, his body felt like lead and he couldn't move even if he wanted too. He hated himself right now; he hadn't been able to stop himself from being a dick. Kim didn't deserve the shit that he threw at her today but he was powerless to stop it. It was like a volcano inside him that had been bubbling away, if he had kept it inside any longer he would have exploded, he had to let it out. He had to apologise, beg her for forgiveness, if only he could move.
When the door opened he let out the breath that had suddenly felt like it was stuck in his chest and waited, expecting to feel her hand or her presence beside him. What he didn't expect was to feel a small body lay down next to him and rest a head on his chest. "I love you Dad." Oliver spoke nervously. "You are the best Dad in the world because you are my Dad."
When Adam started sobbing Oliver begged him not to cry. "Please Dad, don't cry. Don't go away. I don't want you to leave me. Please Dad I love you."
"Oliver, stop. I'm not going anywhere."
"Promise?" Adam promised him he'd stay. He couldn't imagine not being here with Oliver now. Even if he never put things right with Kim, even if they decided that they couldn't put their past behind them, Oliver was all that mattered and he was never leaving his son again.
Bob had taken Daisy out to the grocery store when they got back to his place so that Kim could talk to Oliver before she let him see his Dad. He wasn't surprised that his Pops picked him up from school because he did that a few days a week it was seeing his Mom at his Pops place that made him anxious. "Ollie, honey. Your Dad is having a pretty bad day. He's not doing so great."
"What happened?"
"Nothing really happened, he's just dealing with all the paperwork required to get all his identification back. It's taking a little longer than we hoped so some days it's a little overwhelming." Kim wasn't sure how much to tell him. "Ollie, today he's worried he's never going to be Adam again."
"But he is Adam, he's my Dad."
"I know, Ollie sweetie do you think you'd like to go and see him. I know he'd love to see you and hear you tell him how much you love him." Despite how rough it had been dealing with him today there was no way in hell he would hurt Oliver, even though he had been rougher with Kim today than he should have been. Kim knew that wasn't Adam and he would never, not even when he was not sure he knew who he was, he would never hurt Oliver. Oliver was saving him; he kept him in this world.
"I want to help." He jumped up. "What do I say?"
"Just talk to him Ollie. Let him know how much you like him being in your life. I think he'd like to hear it. I trust you."
Kim pressed her ear up against the door and could hear them talking. It was muffled, so trying to make out what they were saying was impossible but they were talking and that was the best outcome. Oliver wouldn't try to analyse him, reason with him or understand what was going on in his Dad's head, he would just tell him what he needed to hear. That he loved him and wanted him to stay.
When Oliver came out he just hugged his mom. "You okay sweetie?"
"I am. Dad's okay. He's sleeping, I stayed until he was asleep. I need to use the bathroom, do you think he'll be okay?"
"He will. I'll go in and see him in a minute."
Kim did creep in and while she thought he was asleep he wasn't. He could feel Kim in the room. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"Everything, for today, for what you did eight years ago, for my son."
"Hey…" she ran her hand through his hair. "..thank you for knocking me up. Adam." No matter what she was going to keep reminding him that he was Adam and that was the best thing in the world.
"I bet you didn't say that at the time?"
"Not exactly, but you made a beautiful baby with me."
"And you raised a beautiful boy."
Adam eventually came out of his room and Daisy was excited to see him and like only Daisy could she was bouncing up and down beside him. "Hi, Adam. Pops picked me up from school today and we've been cooking dinner. Are you staying for dinner? We are having dinner with Pops."
He scooped her up and hugged her tightly. "I am Daisy. It's good to see you."
"Are you sad today?"
"I was, I am a little bit but seeing you is making me happy."
"Do you want to dance?" She asked cheekily. Adam and Daisy were always dancing, they would get their groove on and Adam would have her laughing and singing at the top of her voice. He filled her home with fun and light her kids loved it, she wished sometimes that he'd take a moment and realise that. What Kim really loved right now was how they were both so willing to help Adam, they didn't shy away from him because he was sad, they strived to make him smile.
"Not today Daisy but I want you to practice so when I come over on Sunday night we can have a dance-off. Okay?" Kim liked that he was talking about Sunday night and that normalcy they had established.
Oliver didn't wait until Adam called the next day; he called him as soon as his eyes opened. "Are you okay Dad?" It was barely six am.
"Hey Ollie, I am, you woke me up. What are you doing up so early?"
"I didn't sleep very well, I was worried about you. Did you sleep?"
"I did Bud, please don't worry. I am feeling better, spending yesterday afternoon with you and Daisy and your Mom really helped. Now go back to sleep for an hour, I don't want you to be tired at school."
"Okay, can I call you after school."
"I will talk to you later."
He wasn't surprised when Kim called him either. "Can you tell Oliver not to worry please? He's already called me this morning; he didn't sleep well. I don't want this to affect him."
"He's going to worry Adam, I can't stop that."
"Is he okay?"
"He will be, if he knows you are okay he will calm down." Kim spoke softly and quietly. "He's like his father, he worries about people he cares about. It's a Ruzek trait."
Oliver was in constant contact with him during the next few days and was waiting patiently on Sunday night for him to turn up. He'd had to work on Saturday and couldn't come to his game. After having a couple of days off during the week he had no choice but to turn up on Saturday or lose his job. Ollie was disappointed but Adam had called him at lunchtime to find out how the game went and Kim had asked Al to come along instead. He still got a buzz when Al came to games and that took his mind off not having his Dad there.
"Kim…." Adam was jiggling his leg up and down as he waited for Kim to come back down after taking Daisy to bed. He had taken Oliver up but Daisy was being a pain in the ass tonight and couldn't settle. Adam had been on edge since he arrived, he was happy enough and as promised he had a dance off with Daisy and challenged Oliver to their usual computer racing game. "…I want to apologise."
"For what?"
"The other day."
"You don't need to apologise Adam. It was a bad day."
"No, that's not good enough. That shit about Paul, I shouldn't have said those things to you or kissed you like that. That's not me, I hate that I did that. Please forgive me. I promise that's not me, that's not how I feel."
"Adam I know…" Kim placed her hand on his leg. "…it's okay Adam."
"It's not okay." He was getting agitated and Kim needed to bring him back down. "I don't want to scare you away."
"Hey, I'm not going anywhere. We are in this together; I know it's going to be rough some days. That was a rough day, I didn't like it but I know that some days that's what we have to deal with. It's better than the alternative."
"What's that?"
"Me still grieving for you."
"You didn't still grieve for me? After all this time?"
"It never goes away Adam, it gets different, its manageable but how could I not grieve for you when everyday I looked at your son?"
"I can't give you what you want." He had no idea why he went there. He had no idea if she wanted him at all, at least like that. Perhaps it was just his fantasy that was making him fuzzy and think that he was getting signals from her that she wanted more. Even the kiss, when she demanded a kiss from Adam gave him hope.
"Right now all I want Adam is for you to be here in Oliver's life, in our life. It's enough for now."
"For now?"
"Yes, for now." Kim held one cheek in her hand and softly kissed his other before whispering. "It's enough right now."
"Can I stay here a little while?" Kim grabbed a cushion, shuffled back and let Adam lay his head in her lap. They watched a movie and he didn't really talk much. Kim's hand was on his chest and he covered it with his. Kim wasn't surprised that he fell asleep and she watched him.
'I can't give you want you want.' Was it that obvious? She craved him but it wasn't that simple. Trying to figure out if it was because she still loved him, like that crazy in love feeling or just missed him and wanted some comfort. The comfort she had always received from him, how he made her feel. Did she want that again? And was it just to satisfy a need, scratch an itch, to relive old times or to mend her broken heart, or was it because she still loved him?
He looked tortured as he slept. His face wasn't still and the pain was obvious. He'd done his best to hide it from them all today, he'd been happy and seeing him right now Kim was a little shocked to realise that it was all an act. Adam was in pain, he was suffering and he was trying so hard to protect Oliver, and her to some degree from it. He had apologised for hurting her and watching him now Kim knew that he had been worrying about it since that day.
As that settled on her she was content to sit with him while he slept. Kim kept one hand on his chest and one stroking his hair softly. "I wish I could fix you." She whispered. "Tell me what to do."
For three hours Kim didn't move as Adam slept, she dozed off herself and wasn't exactly comfortable but the fact that Adam slept soundly was all that mattered.
And she was with him and that was what they both needed, they needed each other, if only they had the guts to admit it.