Chapter Nineteen: Getting to Know You

Gibbs pulled away from Jen, standing for a moment before heading back to his basement. He didn't say anything, and Jen made the decision to stay on her own. She followed him down and found him on the couch staring at nothing. She sat down next to him laying her hand softly on his shoulder.

He was in a state that she had never experienced with him. He was no longer strong on the outside; the inner feelings of his heart were expressed on his face. He was devastated, the feelings of his past no longer prisoner.

"Jethro," she said softly, concerned with his current condition, feeling the old feelings resurface as he showed his soul in his eyes. It was something he had never done before, part of the reason why she had told him enough so long ago.

He didn't answer her, just continued to stare at the blank television screen, lost in the memories of the last two days, and many years before. All mingling together in a blur of motion, making him want it all to stop. Jen applied a little more pressure to her hand, trying to shake him from the trance he was in. Nothing seemed to work.

"Jethro, are you ok?" she asked feeling slightly stupid for it. It was obvious to her he was not ok, but she didn't know what else to say. Something had happened in the last two days that had bonded him with a stranger, an eleven year old stranger. A bond so strong it caused emotional distress when it was broken and the child removed.

They were quiet for a while, as Jen's arm snaked further around his shoulders. He leaned into her without word, slowly coming to lean his head on her shoulder. He had his eyes closed and Jen thought he had fallen asleep from exhaustion when he finally spoke to her in a whisper so low she almost didn't hear him.

"You asked me once if I've ever considered having children," he said with his eyes still closed, voice so low even he wasn't sure if the sound was real or not. Jen looked at him a moment before composing her answer.

"And you asked me if it was an offer," she replied, but got no response from him. He waited a pause, trying to defeat the monsters in his head before speaking again.

"There's something you don't know about me," he said softly. Jen leaned her head on his and ran her hand along his arm. "There's a part of my life no one knows, except Ducky."

Jen thought about everything they had shared as partners, as lovers seven years ago, not being surprised that Ducky knew something more than she did about the man next to her. She knew about his wife Diane, she knew about his wife Kristen, but she didn't even know his first wife's name she thought. She knew how the other marriages ended, the anger and resentment from the women, but the first one he never spoke of.

"I used to have a daughter, Jen," he said softly, his eyes still closed. Jen was shocked by his confession, unable to reply to him. She held him tighter then as she knew this was extremely difficult for him to mention. He moved his legs so they stretched out along the couch, causing his head to drop from her shoulder to her lap. Her right hand traced his shoulder, down along the top of his ribs, and back up again, while her left hand slid gently through his hair.

There was another long pause, Jen not knowing what to say and Gibbs pondering how much to share. The last words Nicole said to him floated through his head again, don't let them haunt you and talk to her. He knew what she meant, he needed to talk through his pain, to express the love and hurt that was mixed up in his heart, to let someone else in to share the burden of the loss.

For the first time since his first wife died he felt the urge to open his heart to another woman, letting them in to see his inner demons. He was scared of the moment, and feared the pain it would most likely cause in the future, but at the same moment, relished in the thought of having someone next to him again.

"She was twelve," he continued. Jen looked down at him, her arm still drawing the large circle. The one on his head had stopped, resting gently on the back of it. "I was on a case, a junior agent with only seven years experience. I was reckless, I thought I was invincible."

He was expressing his feelings of this time frame for the first time. He had never really spoken to Ducky about it either and he felt the need to expel what was inside him. He opened his eyes and turned so he could look up at her. He found her staring right back at him, compassion filling her eyes, tears building but not falling.

"We were chasing a child molester. He was abducting children from Naval bases on the east coast. We were close to catching him, so close he turned the tables on us. He took my daughter," Gibbs said in a low whisper. He paused again not having the strength to continue, but the ghosts of his wife and daughter appeared in his mind again and he knew he needed to let them go, so they could stop haunting him.

"He called me at the office, gloating. Told me he had Kelly, told me I would never see her again. I was enraged and terrified at the same time. We found him in an abandoned building and Kelly was there. I could see her just inside the door. I disobeyed orders. They never should have let me go. I charged into the building, but it was what he wanted. He was waiting for me," he said as the tears escaped his eyes and ran down his face. He had shifted again so he wasn't looking up at Jen, but he had a feeling she was crying as well.

"The bullet hit me in the shoulder, made my arm useless instantly. I felt my hand go numb, and my shoulder throb. The blood was warm running down my arm. I remember it so clearly," he continued his hand flexing involuntarily. Jen remembered the scar on his shoulder. "I sat there in the doorway to the room and watched that man kill my daughter. I saw her bleed to death."

Gibbs had to stop at this point. He couldn't make his voice work, his throat was hard and his vision had given way to the blur of tears. Jen wrapped her arms around him tightly and held him while he let it out. She too was crying now as she shifted so she could lean down as she placed a light kiss on his temple. It was a few minutes before he could continue.

"She died in front of me. Then everyone else came charging in and I watched the man who killed my daughter die while I stared him in the eye. I saw his last breath, but it did nothing to ease the pain," he said in a hoarse whisper. "They put me on medical leave while my shoulder healed. I didn't grieve well. I was a bastard, I know that, but I was in pain. I blamed myself, thought of myself as a complete failure.

"My wife Shannon, she took it hard. I think she just wanted me to stand next to her, acknowledge she was hurting too. But I couldn't," he went on shakily. "I ignored her. I ignored her pain, only thinking of my own. I in a sense abandoned her, and she left me. She took too many of the pills they gave her to calm her. She took too many and I found her in the bed the next morning."

He was silent then. His story was told. Jen didn't know what to say so she only held him as they both cried for the dead. Gibbs closed his eyes once again and tried to push the pain and grief from his body. He felt a little easement after sharing and knew that Nicole was right, they didn't haunt him because they wanted to, it was simply he couldn't let them go.

After a while Gibbs sat up as Jen's arms dropped from around him. He looked at her knowing he looked like a train wreck. He noticed that she too had been crying as he stood and walked away from her. He went to his boat, picked up a plane but didn't put it to wood. He stood with it in his hand staring at it like it held all the answers. He heard Jen get up from the couch but didn't turn around.

She walked across the room and stopped just behind him. She reached out and lightly placed a hand on his shoulder blade and left it there, letting him choose. He took a deep breath and then finally turned to face her. Her hands came up to cup his face and he stared at her with intense blue eyes. She had never seen so much emotion in them.

"Nicole took Kelly's place," she said softly watching his eyes for his reaction. He stared at her as his emotions betrayed him through his eyes and he knew all he could do was nod. "She filled the hole in your heart."

"Yes," he said softly looking over at the table seeing the can of grape soda.

"Why did you share your story with me tonight?" Jen asked in a whisper. Gibbs looked at her and pondered her question, not entirely sure why he had taken this moment to tell it other than the fact that Nicole had told him too.

"Nicole made me realize that I was haunted by the dead because I hung onto them. You ended our relationship with me because like every other woman I've been with since Shannon I've closed myself off. I don't let others get close. If they aren't close, they can't hurt you in the end," he said looking her in the eye.

"It was painful to be next to you every day and know there was more, much more to you but you wouldn't let me see it," Jen said in return. Gibbs slowly nodded.

"I know. I built a wall to guard my inner heart. If no one gets in, no one can tear it apart."

"That's no way to live, Jethro," she said still cupping his face with her hands.

"I know. Nicole made me realize that."

"She's staying with a family in the city, Jethro, you can visit her."

He didn't reply he only nodded, dropping his chin to his chest. Jen's hands slid down to his shoulders and rested there gently before she leaned in and placed her ear to his chest, the top of her head resting just under his chin. Her hands made their way around him under his arms as his came up around her as well, standing together grieving.

Gibbs didn't know how long they had stood but he felt his legs starting to ache. He pulled his head up and looked around for a moment as he felt Jen shift bringing her head up as well. He looked down at her and saw the exhaustion in her eyes and knew his must look much worse. She reached up with her right hand and ran it along his jaw.

"You look tired, Jethro," she said gently, causing him to smile.

"I am," he said. She took a step back from him taking his hand in hers squeezing it gently. Their gaze remained locked.

"I should go," she said half heartedly knowing that she really didn't want to, and from his expression he didn't want her to go either. He took a deep breath but didn't say anything as he fought with himself over the feelings that had resurfaced with a vengeance since earlier in the evening.

She hadn't moved from the spot, still holding onto his hand. Neither one could muster the words, and neither one could walk away. Jen was conflicted with the emotions that had conjured up during the course of the evening, thoughts and feelings she had vowed to abandon so many times. There was their working relationship now to consider as well, she was his boss, and he was her subordinate.

Everything seemed to be spinning as they both thought about the next move. The exhaustion was making it hard for them both to control what they were feeling and Gibbs saw it in Jen's eyes, and he knew that she must see it in his eyes too, desire. He reached up with his free hand extending his finger, placing it gently under her chin, causing her to close her eyes. Gibbs looked down as he let his finger drop, causing Jen's eyes to open.

"Stay," he said in a low whisper, his voice not quite coming together. She looked at him a moment, studying his eyes, his body language, his face. She decided that it was what she wanted as well and simply nodded to him. A smile crossed his face before the exhaustion forced him to close his eyes. Jen directed him to the couch in the corner, not sure if either had the energy to move up the stairs. Gibbs lay down and scooted so Jen could fit too and they fell asleep in each other's arms on the dusty couch in his sawdust filled basement.

TBC…