Chapter Twenty-Two: Forgiving the Dead

Gibbs couldn't sleep as he lay tangled with Jen on the couch in his basement. He watched her as she dreamed but couldn't overcome the insomnia of other night. He gently removed himself and stood in front of the couch for a while staring at her before heading upstairs. He would not work on his boat, not tonight. His mind was flooded with thoughts, memories, nightmares, happiness, fear, pain, and anger.

The burden was almost too much to comprehend as he sorted through his life. He let his mind drift back to the days of a young, brash marine, taking him through basic once again. He remembered his years as a seasoned marine before moving on to NCIS, returning to active duty for the brief period of Desert Storm. It drifted back to his first marriage, the happiest he had been in his life, to his daughter, his joy.

Darkness enveloped the happy times when he proceeded through the death of his daughter, and the suicide of his first wife. He had moved on, or thought he had, when he married for the second time, but unable to trust and open his heart made that impossible from the beginning. His third marriage was a joke from the beginning as he still harbored the anger of his first wife and drove the third one away, unable to open up to someone completely, unable to communicate with his heart.

The memories of building his career, achieving what he had, were bright spots in his otherwise dismal attempt at life. Failure seemed to be his key component when it came to other humans, unable to connect on a personal level, unable to protect from the horrors of the world. He thought of Paris, of his time with Jen as a partner, as more. He thought what he had shared with her now and how it would change things that had held them back in the past.

He thought about Nicole. There defiantly was a hole in his heart again; one he thought had scarred over so many years ago, cut fresh but a single event. He sat on the front porch in the cool night air, staring at the cloudy sky wondering why his life had such pot holes. Nothing seemed to stick around for him, it was why he was a bastard; the less you let in the less that can leave you. It was how he felt, it was how he lived.

Years of pain and heartache had taught him that, starting in the marines, people died, people left, people betrayed. It was a fact of life, no one stayed by your side forever no matter what they told you. For the first time in a long time he let his mind explore his memories and thoughts of Shannon.

He had often wondered if all his failed relationships stemmed from this one. He had failed her in the worst way; he had shut her out when she needed him the most. She was grieving too, lost a child as well. He ignored her, ignored the signs, and she paid with her life. He was so wrapped up in his own self pity, own self grief, that he neglected to acknowledge that someone else was hurting just as much. He had kept his distance partly because he thought she had blamed him for Kelly's death. He blamed himself it only made sense to him that she would blame him too.

He'll never know if she did or not, he had never asked her, and now she was gone. He had lived with that guilt for so long. There were times when he used to be consumed by the guilt, binge drinking a night away to chase the sorrow. He had control over it now, or at least he had. He felt the need tonight to drink, but he resisted. His boss was sleeping down in his basement. What would she think if she found him drunk?

Instead he stared at nothing in the sky and waited in the cold for something inside him to give. Guilt was a powerful thing, but anger was even stronger. He knew he harbored anger towards his first wife, leaving him the way she did. Taking what he thought was the easy way out. He had no intention of checking out, why would she take such a cowards route he thought? But now as he thought back to losing Kelly and the bastard that he had become after the fact, he could see why she would be so depressed to take her own life.

Anger is a hard emotion to let go of and he eventually buried it but now he thinks he never truly let go of it. He needed to forgive her for what she did, and forgive himself for not stopping it. Plain and simple he thought and had to smile, if it were only that simple. Forgiveness was a tricky thing.

The sun was peaking up over the horizon and he sat staring at the giant ball of fire as it crested. He was tired, but not sleepy, for it was an emotional drain he felt. He heard his front door open and glanced over his shoulder to see Jen coming towards him with a look of worry. He gave her a smile but then turned his attention back to the rising sun in front of him. She came up next to him, dropping a hand on his shoulder.

"You sleep at all last night?" she asked softly.

"No," Gibbs said quietly his attention still on the sunrise. "Too much on my mind."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Ducky says I should," he said with a chuckle.

"Ducky is a very smart man," she said drawing him to turn his head to look at her before nodding slowly and averting back to colors of the morning sky.

"Just reviewing my life," he said closing his eyes.

"Lot to review," she said with a light smile.

"Thinking about failures," he continued.

"Failures?"

"The only two things I didn't fail at are being a marine and a special agent."

"Jethro," Jen said with a concerned voice.

"It's true, Jen. I failed as a husband, three times, I failed as a father once, I failed in every human relationship I've ever had," he said shaking his head. "I should have noticed Shannon was slipping. I should have seen it."

"You were grieving the loss of a child."

"So was she," Gibbs said through gritted teeth. "It's no excuse. I should have grieved with her. I should have been there next to her, instead I was selfish. I pitied myself, loathed my self, hated myself. If I blamed me I thought she sure as hell blamed me for the death of our daughter."

"Jethro, you were under distress, you couldn't have possibly," Jen started.

"Couldn't have noticed? You're wrong," he said stepping away from her and turning to lean on the railing. He watched her with cold eyes as hers became more concerned. "I did notice, Jen, that's the thing. I realize it now, I did notice. She came to me first and I pushed her away. I pushed her away. And you know what the worst thing is?"

"What?"

"I was angry with HER. How could I react that way? Why would I be angry with her and not myself?" he said and Jen didn't answer. It was a few moments before he continued. "I was angry because I thought she took the easy way out. I had just lost my daughter and now she took the only other thing worth anything in my life and threw it away too. I was lost, I was in pain, but I wouldn't admit it, no. I was strong, I was a marine."

Jen took a step closer to him as he stopped to take a deep breath. His eyes were closed as she wrapped her arms around his chest and laid her ear over his heart. His arms remained locked on the railing behind him

"I never truly forgave her in my heart, and I never forgave myself," he said softly after a long pause. "It's the cause of all my other failures. Those women that divorced me deserved more but I couldn't give it to them. They should have known that from the beginning. You saw it."

"Yes, I noticed," she said her voice muffled by his shirt. "You couldn't fully give me your heart so I said enough."

Gibbs finally let go of the railing behind him, leaning his back into it for support and brought his arms around her. He placed his head on top of hers as they both stood quietly waiting for something. Neither knew what but they both waited. After another long pause Gibbs picked his head up and looked towards the morning sky. He squinted at the brightness as the sun had come completely over the horizon hovering low in the morning sky.

"I'm so sorry, Kelly. I am so sorry, Shannon, I forgive you. I forgive myself for what I did to you," Gibbs whispered as tears slid down his face. After it was said Gibbs felt a burden lift from his heart. There was less pain and the hole that constantly reminded him of the loss in his life seemed a bit smaller. He thought of the happy moments in his life shared by the two and smiled. They were no longer clouded by the brutality of the ending of their lives.

Finally Gibbs pulled himself from Jen and headed for the door without a word. Jen stood briefly watching him before she followed him in. She trialed him down to the basement and watched as he picked up his tools and started to work on his boat in silence. She sat down on his couch and grabbed the remote clicking on the CNN morning report. Gibbs smiled to himself.

"No CNN this morning," Gibbs said getting a shocked expression from Jen. He grinned wider and grabbed the remote from her clicking it to the cartoon network before going back to his boat. Jen smiled at his choice and settled into watch.

"Don't you have work today?" he asked as he worked on the boat.

"I'm the director I can take the day off if I want," she replied with a smile.

TBC…