"What the hell does that mean?" asked Joker, confused. "We didn't do anything last Halloween. Did we?"
"We helped Johnny move his fear gas cannisters to the river," said Harley.
"You think we're being targeted for the attack on Gotham?" asked Joker. "It was Craney's scheme. Why blame us?"
"Wait, wait, wait, didn't we also dump a body for a guy?" asked Harley, remembering suddenly. "That guy who accidentally murdered his cheating wife?"
"Oh yeah," said Joker thoughtfully. "I had forgotten about that, which shows you how little an impression it made on me. But why would anyone wanna frighten us over that? We've done about a million worse things than helping some poor sap cover over a murder. We've committed thousands of murders, for one thing. Why would anyone care about the time we just helped out a guy in a jam?"
"I don't know," said Harley. "But it's scary," she added, shuddering.
"Aw, there, there, pooh, Daddy will protect you," said Joker, patting her head. "But I really don't think there's anything to be protected from. I think this is just some childish prank, and if it's not me committing childish pranks, then they're not funny. And I'm gonna make someone pay for stealing my act!"
He stormed into the Rec Room. "All right, which one of you freaks has been wearing masks and writing threatening messages to scare us outta our closet? Craney, I'm looking at you," he said, pointedly.
"What are you talking about?" asked Crane. "I haven't left this room, or this book, since you left."
"You're a liar!" snapped Joker. "It could only be you, Mr. Fear! You say you're taking a year off, but what you mean is that you want to spread fear a little closer to home, is that it? Well, sorry, pal, but I ain't afraid of you or your stupid messages!"
"Joker, he's telling the truth – he hasn't left the room," said Tetch.
"Of course you'd cover for him!" snapped Joker. "Nerds of a feather stick together! But it has to be him – he's got a perfect motive! He's trying to frighten Harley out of having sex with me, because he's jealous! He's always wanted her for himself ever since he taught her in college, and now he thinks this will be the way to get her!"
"How dare you?!" demanded Crane, as the color flushed to his face, equally furious and horrified at his not-so-secret crush being exposed. "I don't know what you're talking about! I have never wanted…that is, I have never thought…I mean…"
"Frightening the wits out of someone is not conducive to their seduction," interrupted Tetch, cutting off Crane's floundering explanation. "Even I know that, and Jonathan does too, so even if he were interested in Harley, this would hardly be the way he'd go about wooing her."
"Yes, that's...that's right," stammered Crane. "And I'm not interested in Harley," he lied. "Not that she's not a very attractive woman. But I would never…that is…unless she gave me some indication..."
"Crane was here the whole time, J," Two-Face interrupted. "Unless you think I'm lying too, but I don't have any reason to do that. And I'm willing to stand up in court and swear to it on the coin."
"So if it wasn't him, which one of you losers was it trying to scare Harley?" demanded Joker.
"That doesn't sound like something any of us would do," retorted Ivy. "Are you sure she didn't imagine it?"
"Yes, maybe it was a manifestation of her subconscious," suggested Crane. "She doesn't consciously realize she finds you repulsive, but her subconscious does, and it created a vision so you'd leave her alone."
"I didn't imagine the hooded guy, and I didn't imagine the writing!" shouted Harley. "Come and see!"
They all followed her back down the hall to the janitor's closet. Sure enough, the writing was still on the door. "It is unfamiliar handwriting," conceded Tetch, studying it. "It must be an outsider of some kind."
"Is this about my fear gas attack?" asked Crane, puzzled. "That was the only thing you did last Halloween, isn't it? And I'm responsible for that."
"No, Harley reminded me, we helped that guy dump his wife's body, remember?" asked Joker. "He accidentally killed the cheating tramp."
"I remember at the time telling you that letting a man who murdered his wife get away with it was a mistake," snapped Ivy. "We as a society treat the lives of women as expendable."
"I treat everyone's lives as expendable," retorted Joker. "I'm an equal opportunity murderer, Pammie, so don't you come at me with that sexist crap!"
"But why would that guy want to frighten Harley?" asked Two-Face. "What kinda crazy person tries to scare the people who helped him out?"
"Maybe the accidental murder and subsequent guilt drove him crazy," said Joker. "It's not unheard of for people with consciences, poor bastards. Maybe he got admitted to Arkham, and now he wants to punish us for helping him."
"We could ask Dr. L if she admitted him as a patient," suggested Harley. "Does anyone remember the name of the guy?"
Nobody spoke. "He wasn't a particularly memorable person, was he?" said Tetch at last. "Just sort of a nondescript man."
"Yeah, probably his only life achievement was accidentally murdering his wife," sighed Joker.
"That's not an achievement," growled Ivy.
"It sure is," retorted Joker. "I've been intentionally trying to murder Harley for years now, and you can see how successful I've been with that. To just stumble into it accidentally is pretty impressive if you ask me."
"He's just joking," said Harley, ruffling Joker's hair. "Mr. J would be lost without me. If he killed me, accidentally or otherwise, he'd regret it the moment he needed his laundry done."
"Well, I suppose we can ask Dr. Leland about the new patients she's admitted to Arkham," said Tetch. "There probably aren't that many – most of us in here are repeat offenders. If she can give us a list, we can see if any of the names ring a bell. And if the names don't, we can see if she'll let us look at them – surely seeing his face again will jog our memories?"
"Good idea, Hat Freak," said Joker, nodding. "And if we do find out our guy is in here, we'll make sure he pays for trying to frighten us like that. Nobody interrupts me when getting down to business and gets away with it! Except maybe Batsy, but then he's always welcome."
They strode down the hall and knocked on the door to Dr. Leland's office. "Joker, this better not be about the closet again…" began Dr. Leland, opening it.
"In a manner of speaking, it is," agreed Joker. "Someone surprised us in there and vandalized it. But he was wearing a mask, so we don't know who he is, but we were wondering if you'd admitted any new patients recently, since we actually might know who it is."
"Vandalized…what are you talking about?" asked Dr. Leland. "I've told you, I don't want you starting a turf war over the closet!"
"We didn't start anything!" protested Ivy. "And I don't know what the joke would be in making up something like this, so it's obviously not Joker and Harley!"
"Wait a second, wouldn't that be a good joke?" demanded Two-Face. "Maybe Joker set all this up to scare us out of using the closet, so we'd be paranoid some freak would come bursting in on us!"
"Mr. J wouldn't intentionally scare me!" snapped Harley.
"I might if it were funny, but this isn't funny!" snapped Joker. "If it were me, I'd have the guts to put my face to the joke, thank you very much! When have you ever known me to do anything by deception, or wear a mask?! I'm not Batman, for God's sake!"
"You can see for yourself, Joan," said Harley, beckoning her down the hall. "I saw someone in the doorway to the closet, and they wrote this message."
"Why? What did you do last Halloween?" asked Dr. Leland, studying the writing.
"Well, we kinda sorta helped a guy dump his wife's body after he accidentally murdered her," said Harley.
"You what?" demanded Dr. Leland.
"We were doing him a favor!" protested Harley. "He didn't mean any harm, and I didn't see the harm in helping him out!"
"Only now he wants revenge on us, I guess," said Joker. "That's typical, isn't it? You try to be nice and help people out, and things blow up in your face. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I guess that's why it's always better not to be nice, and to kill people instead of helping them out. Anyway, if we could take a look at the new patients list, we could maybe pin down that this is our guy."
"Well, I'm sure there are rules about letting you see the new patients list, but we've already reviewed how effective rules are with you," Dr. Leland said, going over to her filing cabinets and handing him a sheet of paper.
"That's it?" asked Joker, looking up at her. "There's only two names on here!"
"We don't get that many new patients," retorted Dr. Leland, shrugging. "For some reason, people don't trust us to be very effective at curing lunatics – I can't imagine why," she added, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "So nobody voluntarily commits anyone in here – we usually just get people the system doesn't want to deal with anymore. Frankly, I'm surprised it's only two – in a city like Gotham, you expect there to be a lot more people lost and abandoned and mentally unstable…"
"Let me see," said Two-Face, snatching the list from Joker. "Well, I doubt either of these are our guy – they're both women's names."
"Harvey, we mustn't jump to conclusions about gender these days," said Joker. "For all we know, our guy could be a woman now. I know you're obsessed with binaries, but you need to get with the times, man. There's like 70 genders now, including plant-gender, so yay for you, Pammie," he said, patting Ivy on the back. "Your sexuality isn't freakish – it's perfectly normal now. And people call me crazy!" he chuckled.
"Maybe the person threatening us isn't the man we dealt with at all," spoke up Crane. "Maybe the woman he murdered had a sister who found out what we did somehow and wants revenge on us."
"And she got herself sent to Arkham just to do that?" asked Ivy. "That's pretty dedicated, but then I guess women often are. That's why we're the superior sex."
"It coulda been a woman I saw in the mask, I guess," said Harley. "I mean, after the Phantasm fooled everyone into thinking she was a guy, I guess it's possible that anyone can."
"Yeah, and she was a hot chick," agreed Joker. "Not the kind you'd easily mistake for a guy, if you get my drift. There were a couple of very identifiably feminine things about her, if you get what I'm saying. A couple of very prominent, perky things…"
"Yes, J, we get it," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes.
"I don't like you thinking about her like that, Mr. J," muttered Harley, glaring at him.
"Too bad – you can't control my thoughts," retorted Joker.
"I think you'd better tell me exactly what happened a year ago," said Dr. Leland, beckoning them all into her office. "Not that I want to hear another story from you after the closet one. But go ahead, Joker."