"No, she's not either of these women – they're too old for one thing," said Harley firmly, as she looked at the two elderly women in the cells. One was calmly humming while weaving a basket, and the other sat with a palette of watercolors in front of her, working on a painting. "The body I saw last Halloween, which I thought was dead, was of a much younger woman," continued Harley. "There's no way she could have aged this much in a year, even if she had been through trauma. And these two old ladies look harmless enough, not the type to be stalking people around the asylum. And their build's all wrong for the hooded figure I saw – it was much taller."
"Yeah, and these cells are pretty secure," agreed Joker, shaking the bars. "And I'm guessing you don't leave them unlocked like you do ours, Doc – new patients haven't had time to break your spirit yet like we have. Hello, ladies!" he called loudly, waving in between the bars. "Have either of you been to the janitor's closet recently? I won't be mad if you have – I have a lot of fangirls hoping to catch a glimpse of me in action, if you get what I'm saying…"
"Joker, don't shout at them!" snapped Ivy, shoving him back. "And don't lie – you don't have any fangirls besides Harley. I have too much faith in women as a whole to believe there are other women out there who adore you."
"Shows what you know," said Joker, sticking his tongue out at her. "Our esteemed author is one such fangirl - she can't get enough of me, obviously."
"Joker, please, remember what I said about not wanting them to catch your insanity?" said Dr. Leland. "Just try not to say crazy things for five minutes, huh?"
"You can't stifle my freedom of speech, Doc, so don't even try," snapped Joker. "It's in the Constitution - I can say whatever I want, no matter how crazy."
"What a strange place this is, Martha," commented one of the women, looking at the group beyond the bars. "There are clowns, and people with green skin, and people with half their face missing. Have you ever seen the like?"
"No, I haven't, Abby," agreed the other woman, dipping her brush into the paint. "They do seem like charming people though. It's a shame we can't invite them in for some elderberry wine."
"They just seem like nice old ladies - what could they possibly have done to get themselves thrown in here?" asked Ivy.
"They're serial arsenic poisoners," replied Dr. Leland.
"Aw, well, it's definitely not them behind this then," sighed Joker. "You don't go from poisoning to writing threatening messages and stalking – those are totally different styles of crime. One is nuanced and subtle, and the other is the opposite of that. If these ladies wanted revenge on us, they'd save themselves some effort and just find a way to poison the food. Criminals don't change their MO – it would be like Riddler deciding he wants to stop doing his lame riddles and start hitting people with trucks. Or Pammie here deciding the plant thing is passe, and going on a shooting spree instead."
"Don't tempt me," growled Ivy.
"Well, I guess that gets us back to square one," sighed Two-Face. "And I hate being on square one when I could be on square two."
"It's not quite square one," said Crane. "The patient theory is eliminated, but that doesn't mean the man behind the murder theory, or his wife who wasn't quite dead theory, is eliminated too. We could ask Arkham security to search the premises for any trespassers, but I know how useless they are. They never found my fear toxin stash, which I kept hidden in the basement for over a year."
"I guess it's the best we can do at the moment," agreed Dr. Leland. "Why don't you all go back to the Rec Room? I'll let you know what security finds. In the meantime, nobody go off on your own. If there's a maniac on the loose, it's better to be in as big a group as possible. And please keep trying to remember the name of the man – I think that will really be the key to all this."
"Yes, it's on the tip of my tongue," said Tetch, rubbing his temples. "Hopefully it'll just appear in a flash of brilliance, as most of my ideas do."
"Great. Now we're all stuck in here together. This is a crappy way to spend Halloween," said Ivy, as they returned to the Rec Room.
"Actually, one could argue that being stalked by a threatening maniac is a perfect way to spend Halloween," spoke up Crane.
"Oh, shut up, Johnny," sighed Ivy, sitting down on the couch. "Spending time with you people makes me want to take the risk of being threatened by the maniac."
"I think somebody's just annoyed that she can't have closet time later," said Joker, taking a seat next to her on the sofa.
"You didn't get closet time either!" snapped Ivy.
"Yeah, but it bothers Harley more than me," said Joker, shrugging. "I'm like a sex camel. I can store up my libido for weeks."
"I'm too creeped out to be turned on right now," said Harley. "And not creeped out in the way that turns me on, when Mr. J does it," she added, climbing into Joker's lap and cuddling him close. "I'm just gonna stay right here until morning."
"No, you're not, you little brat," retorted Joker, trying to push her off him. It didn't work – she clung on determinedly. As Joker struggled with her, Tetch took a seat at the table behind the sofa and poured himself a pot of tea.
"Tea will help me relax and think of that name," he said. "Why couldn't it have been something memorable, like Lewis Carroll?"
"It was a C name, wasn't it?" asked Crane. "Or maybe a K. A 'ka' sound definitely. Couch, clock, cabinet…"
"You just saying objects that you see isn't helpful!" snapped Tetch.
"It was definitely two syllables, I remember that distinctly," said Two-Face. "I like two syllable names. Not three syllable names like Harvey Dent…"
"Really? You judge people based on the number of syllables in their names?" asked Ivy, turning to him. "So do you like me as Poison Ivy, but not Pamela Isley because one's divisible by two and one isn't?"
"I mean, not before I was Two-Face, but now that you mention it, I do prefer Poison Ivy," agreed Two-Face.
"So you don't like J, because he's J, or do you just think of him as Joker in order to like him?" asked Ivy.
"I don't like him, so I think of him as J," said Two-Face. "Or the Joker, which is three syllables."
"That's a weird little thing you've got going on, Harvey, I'm not going to lie…" began Ivy, but that was when Joker finally pushed Harley off him with a mighty shove that sent her flying into Ivy at the other end of the sofa. The force of Harley's collision knocked Ivy back, and her arms flailed behind her, colliding with Tetch, who was pouring from the teapot into his cup. He dropped the pot, and Two-Face dove forward to catch it before it could reach Ivy…but he was too late.
The teapot shattered on Ivy's back, and she let out a shriek as near boiling water stained with tea leaves drenched her. "Oh God, Pamela, I'm so sorry…" began Tetch as she whirled around, her furious eyes fixed on him. And then they caught sight of Two-Face, who was still lying with his arms outstretched from missing the catch.
"Oh, nice catch, Harvey!" Ivy shrieked. "And nice job, you little freak!" she shouted, seizing the broken shards of the teapot and throwing them at Tetch. "Screw this – I'm getting a shower right now!" she snapped, turning to storm off.
"Pammie, wait, I'll come with you…" began Two-Face, scrambling to his feet.
"Try it, and I'll rip the good half of your face off!" she snapped, storming out of the room.
"Harley, go with her!" demanded Two-Face, rounding on Harley, who had reclapsed her arms tightly around the neck of the Joker, now sullenly resigned to the experience.
"Nah uh," said Harley, shaking her head vehemently. "I'm staying right here with Mr. J to protect me. If Red and I wandered off together, we'd both be stalked by the maniac. This way if he has to get one of us, it's gonna be her instead of me."
"Oh, for God's sake!" snapped Two-Face, storming off after Ivy. "Some friend you are!"
"I'm a great friend!" called back Harley. "But I'm not an idiot, and I'd rather not die! If Red's willing to take that risk, it's up to her! I'll support her in anything she wants to do, no matter how stupid – that's what makes me a great friend!"
Meanwhile, Ivy had stormed to the showers and angrily turned on the cold water. She slipped her uniform off, threw it in a corner, and then hesitantly stepped under the icy downpour. It stung, but soothed the burn on her back, and she sighed, trying to relax as she closed her eyes and massaged the water through her hair.
"Well, I may have second degree burns, but at least I have some peace and quiet at last," she murmured to herself. "I know this is a lunatic asylum, but I really don't think people are meant to be driven even crazier in here, which is what hanging out with those people does. I just need to calm down and reconnect with nature," she said, letting the water slide down her body. She took a deep breath, exhaled it, and repeated the process a few more times before slowly opening her eyes.
And that was when she saw the writing on the tiles in front of her, the same words, written in red, in the same handwriting: I Know What You Did Last Halloween.
She heard a noise, and turned slowly, and then screamed as she saw the hooded figure standing behind her, with a knife raised, preparing to bring it down…