"Pammie!" shouted Two-Face, as he heard her scream. He raced into the bathroom, temporarily blinded by the spray and the mist. "Pammie!" he called. "Are you ok?"
He was suddenly struck in the face and fell backward. "Oh my God, Harvey, it's you!" exclaimed Ivy, realizing her mistake. "I thought you were…where is he?!" she demanded, looking around.
"Where is who?" asked Two-Face, feeling his jaw tenderly.
"The guy in the hood!" exclaimed Ivy. "Harley was right – he wrote the same message on the shower wall, and he had a knife. I screamed and he…he ran, I guess," she said, looking around. "He disappeared in the mist anyway. I should have kicked his ass!" she said, her fury reasserting itself. "How dare a man sneak up on me in the shower and threaten me with a weapon?! I should have grabbed his knife and ripped out his innards!"
"Yes, that would have saved my jaw some pain," muttered Two-Face. "But I don't think there's any shame in not being prepared to murder someone when you're caught off guard in the shower."
"What kinda coward is this, who goes after women when they're vulnerable?" demanded Ivy, grabbing her clothes and pulling them back on. "Me in the shower, and Harley when she's in the throes of passion...not that I want to think about the clown bringing her to that state...and not that I believe the clown is actually capable of bringing anyone to that state…"
"Yeah, let's not think about it," agreed Two-Face. "Talk about your Halloween horrors."
"I just choose to believe they don't have sex," said Ivy. "I mean, I know they do, but pretending they don't helps me sleep at night. And if that means denying the evidence of my eyes and ears, so be it."
"Ok guys, nobody left here after I did, right?" demanded Two-Face, as they returned to the Rec Room.
"I don't think anybody is foolish enough to wander off on their own with a maniac on the lose," retorted Crane. "Except for you and Ivy, obviously."
"Well, this same maniac just tried to knife me in the shower!" snapped Ivy. "And he left the same message!"
"So he's targeting all of us more broadly, rather than just Harley," said Tetch. "Well, that's good to know."
"Good, I'm glad me being attacked helped you out!" snapped Ivy. "It was your fault I had to go off on my own anyway! And I definitely think it's the guy who murdered his wife now, since he seems to be targeting women! I knew it wouldn't stop at killing his wife – men always escalate their violence against women, and that's why he's targeting us! It's straight up sexism!"
"Are we sure that's what it is?" asked Joker. "The two of you weren't canoodling in the shower when you were attacked, were you?"
"No, we weren't!" snapped Ivy. "Get your mind out of the gutter, J!"
"My mind's not in the gutter – I just thought in the absence of closet time, the shower would be a good place to go," said Joker. "And it's not my mind you have to worry about. If we're in one of these slasher movies, which we seem to be, the people who always get picked off by the killer are the sexually active couples. The virgins are the ones who always survive, so that's good news for you two nerds," he added, pointing at Crane and Tetch.
"Well, isn't that nice?" asked Tetch. "Finally it's a point of pride, rather than mockery. You see, there are some benefits to never having had a sexual relationship, Jonathan, I told you. Even if I couldn't think of any at the time."
"I'd still rather have one than not," retorted Crane. "And how on earth would the slasher know which of us is sexually active, and which of us are virgins?"
"In your case, he'd just look at you to know," retorted Joker.
"Look, we're not in a movie, slasher or otherwise, and there's no reason to assume this guy is a Michael Myers type character," said Two-Face.
"Yeah, he's no Shrek," agreed Joker. "Or Austin Powers."
"But he's definitely an intruder, and we can't leave it to the Arkham guards to take care of it, since they can't take care of anything," continued Two-Face. "If we want this guy found and caught, we need to search the asylum ourselves."
"Good idea, Harv," agreed Joker, standing up. Or at least he tried to stand up, but Harley still clung on to him, which made standing up difficult. "What we need is bait," said Joker, once again struggling to push Harley off. "And I have someone right here I'd like to volunteer."
"Nah uh, I ain't gonna be bait for some crazy slasher guy!" exclaimed Harley. "I ain't gonna let anyone else stab me besides Mr. J!"
"You mean he literally stabs you, or are you speaking metaphorically?" asked Crane.
"I'm pretty sure you know she means both," retorted Joker. "But I'm going to literally stab her to death unless she lets go of me right now. And she knows I'm not joking about that, don't you, pooh?"
Harley reluctantly released Joker's neck, but kept her arm clutched in his. "So we're going on a hunt for a crazy guy in a mask, huh?" asked Joker. "It's kinda like Scooby-Doo, isn't it?"
"It's nothing like Scooby-Doo in that we don't have a talking dog, and we're not a bunch of stoned teenagers," retorted Two-Face.
"You're so literal minded, Harvey," sighed Joker. "You need to use your imagination once in a while. Anyway, we've got the red-headed, supposedly hot chick," he said, nodding at Ivy. "And the nerds can take turns being the nerd girl."
"You can be the dog," retorted Ivy.
"Scooby-Doo is iconic, like me, so that works," agreed Joker, nodding. "Although I've always seen myself as more of the Fred character – the handsome, all round American boy. I mean, he's either me or half-face, so I'm the obvious choice. Harvey can be Scrappy-Doo, everyone's least favorite character."
"Are you some kinda closet Scooby-Doo fan?" asked Ivy.
"No, if it weren't for those meddling kids, I'd have gotten away with a few more of my schemes," replied Joker. "I've met them, y'see. Shaggy even punched me once. He's got a good right hook for a stoner. And did you ever notice how Fred always volunteered that he and Daphne be alone together when they split up? You think there was some kinda hanky-panky going on between them? Or between Shaggy and Scooby, for that matter?"
"I think if you're speculating about the sexual relationships of cartoon characters, there's something seriously wrong with you," retorted Ivy.
"No offense, readers!" chuckled Joker, waving at an invisible audience and blowing them a kiss. "Goodnight, everybody!"
"Whatever, let's all just stick together and do a thorough search of the asylum," said Two-Face, rolling his eyes.
"Rokay, Rappy," said Joker, in Scooby-Doo's voice, saluting. "Rutever you ray! Read the ray!"
"Can we murder him, hide the body, and then say the slasher got him if anyone asks?" muttered Ivy, as they all followed Two-Face out of the Rec Room.
"We'll see," agreed Two-Face, nodding.