Chapter Thirty Six: Facing the Demons
The light took his worries away as he basked in the glow of it. He opened his eyes but the light was brighter then anything he had ever encountered. He immediately had to close his lids once more. He turned around in the room sensing something or someone behind him. He was reluctant to open his eyes, to have the light burn his retinas once again. But something inside him told him it was ok.
He opened his eyes and almost fell to his knees, before him stood Kate. He stood in dumbfounded awe as he stared at her form, leaning calmly against the wall that he didn't remember being there. The room had come into view now as the light seemed to have dimmed a bit. The warmth was still all around him, making him feel content, but he could now make out his surroundings.
He stepped closer to her afraid she would disappear instantly. He reached out and touched her shoulder, gently applying pressure. The corners of his mouth pitched upward in a grin that hadn't been seen in a long time. He felt overwhelmed with a calmness and peace. His knees grew weak and he tumbled to the ground.
"I thought you were dead," he said as tears came to his eyes. He flexed his hands as a vague feeling of something washed over him, as if something had drastically changed recently. He shook the feeling from his head.
"I am," she replied tilting her head to the side, locking eyes with him. He saw the compassion in hers as she kneeled down in front of him. He studied her eyes for a moment, looking for the glint of humor. He didn't find it; all that stared back at him was sincere truth.
"Then how are you here?" Gibbs asked as he reached out and cupped her face. "You feel real enough."
"I'm not there, Gibbs, you are here," she said softly. Gibbs face came together in confusion, as he looked around him.
"Why am I here?" Gibbs asked closing his eyes and trying to remember how he got here. The darkness had been cold and sad, and he remembered coming towards the light, the warm enveloping him as he entered the room. But as for how he ended up in the darkness he could not tell.
"You need to let go, Gibbs," Kate said as she brushed a palm along his jaw. He closed his eyes relishing in her touch. She leaned in and gently kissed him on the lips. When his eyes opened Kate was gone. He stood confused and turned around, looking behind him. His breath caught in his chest and tears welled in his eyes.
"Kelly," Gibbs whispered as he saw his daughter standing on the other side of the room. He moved swiftly drawing her into his embrace. He squeezed tightly and stroked a hand down her blonde hair.
"Daddy," she said with a giggle. "You're squeezing me too tight."
"Sorry, Baby," he said releasing his grip and leaning back to look at her angelic face. His smile expanded across his features, reaching his blue eyes, making them sparkle with unconditional love. He shook his head in disbelief.
"Daddy, you're crying," she said as she reached out and brushed her fingers along his cheeks to wipe them away. He closed his eyes as his daughter's hands caressed his face. When he opened them again she was smiling at him.
"I miss you, Baby," he said with a sigh. Kelly's head tipped to the side as she smiled a bright smile at her father and giggled. She had her hands on his shoulders lightly massaging.
"I know you do, Daddy, but it's not your fault," she said. Gibbs felt the tears escape again from his eyes, only this time they were of guilt and sorrow. The warmth of the light was leaving him as he relieved the painful memories of that day.
"It was my fault, Baby," he whispered, closing his eyes tightly as he fought to drive the images from his mind. He felt his daughter lean in close to him, her lips close to his ear, as she whispered to him.
"No, Daddy, it was something beyond your control. Look at me, Daddy," she said pulling away from his ear. He opened his eyes and looked into her beautiful blue ones. He felt the pain in his heart as he stroked his hand through her hair again. She studied his face.
"What, Baby?" he asked.
"You need to let go, it's killing you inside," she said as she leaned forward and wrapped her small arms around him squeezing as tightly as she could. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of her arms around him once again, something that had haunted him since the day he saw her die.
He felt her there one moment then she was gone the next. The emptiness in his arms sunk to his heart and he cried, on his knees, his face in his hands. He nearly jumped when a hand came down on his shoulder from behind. The touch burned his flesh for an instant and shot a shock wave through his right side, ending in numbness in his hand. It was gone an instant later and he thought there was something familiar about the pain. The thought was quickly chased away when he looked behind him.
He nearly tumbled over as his equilibrium failed him for a moment. His hand caught him as he pushed himself back upright and rose to his full height. He stood motionless as he stared at the woman in front of him. She looked back at him with sorrow filled eyes, holding enormous amounts of pain. He felt it radiate from her soaking into his own being as he took a step closer.
He reached out when he was in front of her touching her cheek and feeling the tears falling down his face again. He tilted his head to the side in disbelief as she looked back at him with empty eyes. She had a frown on her face, one of deep pain and sorrow. It was the look he ignored so long ago.
"Shannon," he whispered, bringing both hands up to her face. He cupped her jaw searching her eyes for the answers he thought he needed. She stared back at him and he saw some of the sorrow and pain lift.
"Jethro, you look worn down," she said softly as she stroked the side of his face. His hands dropped to his side as he fought the images that flooded his mind, his own pain and grief. His own guilt over her death. He looked up at her.
"I'm sorry," he whispered feeling sick to his stomach, the warmth from the light completely gone from his body now. It was replaced with a chill as he shivered slightly. She wrapped her hands around his shoulders.
"I only wanted one thing from you, Jethro," she said.
"I tried, but I was…"
"All I wanted was you. I wanted you to grieve with me," she said with tears in her eyes.
"I blamed myself for Kelly, you must have too," he said shaking his head. "How could I expect you to want me around?"
"I had just lost my child, Jethro, my daughter who came from my womb. All I wanted was the man I loved, the man who helped create her to admit he was hurting as much as I was. But you left me," she continued. Gibbs ducking his eyes, knowing full well he had abandoned her in her greatest time of need.
"I'm so sorry, I was lost, I was consumed with grief and guilt," he said his voice shaking with sorrow once again. Gibbs leaned in as she wrapped her arms around him tightly pulling him to her.
"I know," she said. "I know that now. I forgive you, please forgive me," she said with a shutter as she clamped to him with everything she had. Gibbs closed his eyes and let the tears soak into her hair as he made the choice in his heart once again.
"I forgive you, and I forgive myself," he said.
"You need to let go, Jethro, it's killing you," she said softly in his ear, the breath tickling him making him sigh deeply. As soon as the words were out of her mouth he stumbled forward as she disappeared from his grasp. He shuttered and let out a wail as his family was taken away from him once again.
He dropped to his knees as his hands came up to his face. He cried as he thought about having so much and losing it so quickly. He thought about what all three had told him, he thought about what haunted him in the night. The light was coming back, his shivering body warming from its touch. He turned towards it and let his body envelop in a blanket of hope.
There was a noise behind him and when he turned he closed his eyes. One more person, but who from his past would appear to him next. When he opened his eyes it took him a moment to recognize the woman before him.
"You know who I am?" she asked him with a smile. He nodded slightly his eyes closing briefly while he took a deep breath to calm his mind.
"Lt. Commander Conrad," he said when he opened his eyes.
"Johanna will work," she said stepping closer to him. He smiled at the gesture and waited as she came to a stop in front of him. She reached out and traced his face with her fingers. "My daughter has taken quite a liking of you."
"Nicole," he breathed as if the name had meaning to him. He could not remember why. Her hand dropped to his shoulder and a sharp pain erupted in the back of it. He cringed as his hand reflexively clenched at the end. Then the pain was gone and he looked at Johanna.
"But you are here when you should be there," she continued, touching his arm again. The pain exploded over the top of his shoulder this time, running down to his elbow before it dissipated once again. Gibbs looked at her confused.
"Why do you keep hurting me?" he asked as he tries to pull away. His feet are stuck and he seems unable to move from the spot. She looks at him with the love of a mother and shakes her head slowly.
"I'm not the one hurting you, Gibbs, look around you," she said as she touched him again. The pain started in his back, came over the top of his shoulder again and rushed down his arm. More pain spread down his back and chest, ending in his groin. His ribcage erupted in pain as his breathing became more difficult. His head turned involuntarily scanning the room.
Kelly, Shannon, Kate, and many others that he had seen fall were standing around the room looking at him. They all held small smiles on their faces, the sadness in their eyes meant for him. He didn't understand why. He was at a lost as to why they were all sad for him; they were the ones that had left him. He looked back at Johanna and questioned her with a look.
"They're sad because you can't let them go," Johanna said touching him again. He winced expecting the pain but got none this time, he opened his eyes and looked at her.
"What do you mean?" Gibbs asked with shuttered breath.
"You need to let them go, and it's not your time to join us. Go back, Gibbs, go back through the darkness. My daughter needs you, we'll all be waiting for you when your time comes, but you need to let go for now," she said softly stroking his face. The others began telling him to let go softly in his head. He closed his eyes and felt the warmth of the light fading from his mind and body.
When he opened his eyes again the room was empty and his shoulder surged with a pain almost unbearable. His ribs ached with an unrelenting pounding and his breathing was labored. He looked down at himself and saw a deep maroon saturating much of his clothing. He was a mess; he looked atrocious and felt like he had been hit by a train.
Words echoed in his mind, he must go back through the darkness; it was not his turn to be in the warmth of the light. He stepped to the door of the room and looked back; he stopped and stared as Kate stood in the middle. He looked at her with soft eyes.
"I'm sorry I let you down, Kate," he said in a whisper. She smiled at him.
"You didn't. It was my time, Gibbs," she replied. He nodded slowly then turned and stepped into the cold darkness outside the room. He heard his name called from the room.
"Gibbs," Kate said stepping forward. He stopped just outside the light, surrounded by the utter black nothing. He looked through the small door at her and smiled. "Let us go, and capture what is in front of you when you get back. Don't let the past ruin your future. She's there, Gibbs, make things right."
With that Kate was gone and Gibbs stood a moment thinking about her last words. He didn't know what they meant but he felt the coldness nip at his open wound on his shoulder. He brought his left hand up to cover the gaping hole in his right shoulder and moved forward.
He couldn't see where he was going but something inside of him was leading his path. He seemed to know just where to step, just when to turn, and just how far to travel. There was a beacon on the other side of the night that was calling him home. Home, he thought, maybe there was hope for him after all.
He thought about everyone he had seen in the room and what each one had told him. The main theme of the night was to let go. He knew now that in order to be happy in his life he would have to let go of those that had passed through his life and already traveled to the warmth of the light, resting in the room, waiting for his return some day. He moved gracefully through the night, despite his injuries, in search of whatever was calling his name.
The darkness would not beat him this time, he would come out triumphant. Memories of the night floated into his brain and he remembered what had happened to cause his injuries. He grew angry at himself for allowing such a stupid error, but knew that there was nothing he could do now. For now he had released the demons of his heart, allowing the dead to pass. He would grieve them still, and remember them always, but he would no longer hold them hostage in his heart, dwelling on the guilt and sorrow that he felt towards them. He would cherish their memories, and love them as he had in life. He would make some changes in his life; changes he hoped were for the better.
TBC…
AN: The idea for this chapter came from a dream my sister had a long time ago after the death of our cousin. In her dream she was led to a room by an angel where she conversed with family members that had passed. This chapter spawned from that as a I thought it was a way for Gibbs to react to his demonsand realize why the dead haunted him. Just thought I'd share.