The inmates and Dr. Leland all followed Batman down the hall to the janitor's closet. Batman opened it to reveal Glenn putting back his bucket and mop. He turned to look at them, surprised. "Is there a problem, Batman?" he asked.
"You're the one who's been stalking the inmates, Glenn," said Batman, calmly. "Why did you do it?"
"Glenn?" exclaimed Joker, stunned. "No, I don't believe it! You're wrong, Batsy! Your Batcomputer's gone haywire!"
"I'm not wrong," retorted Batman. "The photos were developed with ammonium sulfate. Ammonium is a chemical frequently used by janitors – there's gallons of it in here. You would have easy access to it."
"So would all of the people in here," retorted Glenn. "My closet isn't locked."
"But not all the people in here would have access to all the rooms these photos were taken in," said Batman, holding up the pictures. "There are things here from the offices, the Rec Room, the cells, the bathrooms, the basement. The dirt I found in the wet footprints was soil from the gardens. The janitor goes everywhere in the asylum. He sees everything that goes on, and, in your case, he photographs it," he said, reaching down to move aside a bottle of ammonium to reveal a small, old-fashioned camera hidden behind it. Batman picked it up, and took out a roll of film. "This is the same film the photos are developed from," he said, holding it up. "And I bet your fingerprints are all over it."
"Geez, I'm surprised we never noticed that camera when we were fooling around in here," commented Harley. "We're always knocking things over."
"Yes, you are!" exclaimed Glenn, suddenly furious. "Always messing things up, and leaving messes, so many messes for me to clean up! And I can't clean them up because you're always using my closet for your sordid little affairs! If it's not you and the clown, it's the plant and the two-faced freak! Last Halloween was the final straw – you were all brought in here late after Crane's fear gas attack, and first the clowns occupied my closet for two hours, leaving a mess, and then the other two, so I had to wait until well after midnight to start cleaning up!"
"You got paid overtime..." began Dr. Leland.
"I don't get paid enough to put up with all the crap I have to put up with!" shouted Glenn. "Because there's no amount of money you could pay me that would make up for all the crap they've exposed me to over the years! And I don't just mean that literally, although that too! You people are like children, incapable of cleaning up after yourselves, or taking any kind of responsibility for yourselves! It's about time someone treated you like you treat everyone else! That's the only way to make children behave – give them a taste of their own medicine!"
"So wait, you knowing what we did last Halloween had nothing to do with us dumping the body for the guy who accidentally murdered his wife?" asked Joker.
"I don't know what you're talking about – I know exactly what you did last Halloween, and what you did was make a mess of my asylum!" shouted Glenn. "You make a mess everywhere you go! For years I've been documenting it, taking pictures of who did what, and developing the photos in my darkroom hidden in the gardens. I've been here decades, and there are lots of nooks and crannies in the asylum that nobody but me knows about, lots of places I don't have to clean. Places where I can just be at one with the dirt and the damp, and think about how best to clean up the people who make my life a living hell, the people who will never stop making a mess of the asylum or this city! It was time you knew how it felt to be terrified out of your wits!"
"But why wait until this Halloween to act?" asked Crane, puzzled. "Why do any of this horror movie stuff when you could have just attacked us at any time? We were very unlikely to be on our guard around the janitor – none of us suspected you of ill-intent."
"Yes, everyone always underestimates the janitors," growled Glenn. "And I hid my resentment well – that's something you have to learn to do in a job where nobody appreciates you. I hid behind the serial killer costume and threatening words because I'm not a psychopath like you people! I'm not going to take the risk of actually attacking a bunch of notorious murderers outright! I wouldn't stand a chance against you! But I thought if I could surprise you, and scare you, and make you paranoid, it might frighten you enough so that you'd just stay in your cells and stop causing trouble! That's why I waited until Halloween – I wanted you to think you were in a slasher situation, being stalked by a maniac, and that you might be next! Fear is the only way to effectively control people."
"Yes, but only if it's used effectively," retorted Crane. "I can tell you're an amateur with it - your threats were too vague to be truly frightening, and there was never any follow through on the threat of violence. And we're not the kind of people fear tactics work on – I mean, Harley was a little frightened, but she's not even the worst offender here. And Joker certainly doesn't care about her feelings enough to hold back from doing anything just because she's scared."
"He's right - I don't," agreed Joker, nodding.
"Glenn, why didn't you ever bring any of this up before?" asked Dr. Leland. "Why didn't you ever report your job dissatisfaction on any of your performance reviews? We could have addressed this before it turned into a big problem…"
"Or you would have swept it under the carpet, as you do every issue in this asylum!" exclaimed Glenn. "You bend over backwards to help these freaks and weirdos, and you're enabling their insanity! Your permissive attitude in running this asylum is the problem! We didn't have half so many incidents when doctors were in charge here who would actually discipline the inmates!"
"Hey, don't blame Joan for us!" snapped Harley. "She does a great job, and whether she was stricter with us or not wouldn't make us act any differently! Batman knows that if nothing else – harsh or light punishment doesn't deter us either way!"
"Yeah, the reason there were fewer incidents back in the old days is because there were fewer supercriminals here back in the old days," retorted Joker. "I've been here longer than you, and I know that. Now there's a new one every month vying for Batsy's attention."
"And the reason there are so many more now is due to the inaction of the useless people controlling this city and this asylum!" exclaimed Glenn. "Batman here just creates more supercriminals, because they're not actually scared of him, because they know he'll never actually kill them! All he does is create more people to challenge him! And the city council has given up trying to do anything to improve treatment here, and so have you, Dr. Leland!"
"That's very unfair on Dr. Leland – there's nothing she can do to effectively treat us," retorted Tetch. "She's the only sane one in here – she knows that trying the same thing over and over again is the definition of insanity. She's smart enough to just stop trying to cure us, and instead make our and everyone else's time in here as pleasant as possible. In my personal opinion, that's the best attitude a leader can have – the hands-off approach of leaving everyone alone to mind their own affairs. I also think it's the most effective. There's a perversity in human nature where the moment someone tells you to do something, you do the opposite just to spite them, even if it's something you want to do. The best way to change someone is just to lead by example, and let people come to their own realizations in their own time. And to try to be as understanding and diplomatic as possible, which Dr. Leland certainly is."
"Yeah, she had even come up with a solution so we wouldn't be in your closet anymore," retorted Ivy. "We actually had a meeting about that earlier. If you could have just waited like a day, this would have been resolved without this whole drama, and you would have had free access to your closet every minute of every day."
"Makes you want to laugh, really," said Joker, nodding. "All this kerfuffle over absolutely nothing."
"I think you need to come with me, Glenn," said Batman, reaching for the Batcuffs. "We'll take a little trip to GCPD, and you can tell your story there."
"What are you arresting me for?" demanded Glenn.
"Right now, stalking and threats with a deadly weapon," retorted Batman. "Are you going to add to the list?"
"So I get arrested for giving criminals a taste of their own medicine, while you get called a hero for doing the same thing," retorted Glenn. "That's what I get for being a janitor, I guess."
"It's called breaking the law, and none of us do it without being punished for it," retorted Batman. "Believe me."
"Well, you people can clean up your own messes now," said Glenn, as Batman secured the cuffs behind his back. "But good luck finding another janitor who will put up with this. Get used to living in a dump."
"We already do – it's called Gotham City," retorted Joker. "Anyway, I can always make Harley clean if we need someone to do that. That's what I do in the hideout anyway."
"I ain't gonna clean the whole asylum, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley.
"No, just the rooms I go into," retorted Joker. "The rest I don't care about."
"We drove that guy crazy," said Two-Face quietly, as Glenn was led off with Dr. Leland following him. "I'm not gonna lie, I feel a little bad about it."
"So do I," agreed Tetch, nodding. "He was a good janitor. And I also feel guilty that Dr. Leland will have to go through all the trouble of hiring a new one."
"Yeah, I feel bad for her, but not for him," said Ivy. "The creep spied on me in the shower. He deserves to be locked up for being a pervert – I hope they add that to his list of criminal charges."
"And I know incompetence isn't a crime, but honestly, trying to use fear without any psychological background in it is a recipe for disaster," sighed Crane. "He could have come and talked to me about it - I would have given him some expert advice on the most effective ways to frighten people."
"You would actually have helped him in trying to psychologically break us?" asked Tetch.
"In the interests of science, yes," said Crane, nodding. "Anyway, it's a moot point. And since this is over, I have some Halloween reading to do before the night is through. Good evening to you all," he said, heading off to his cell. The other inmates followed him back to the cell block, except Harley, because Joker suddenly seized her arm.
"You know, Harl, Harvey's right – we drove Glenn crazy," murmured Joker. "He'd been here forever, and he was great at his job – there was no reason for him to do this except he got so annoyed with us that he was willing to do anything to make us stop. Do you know what that means?"
"Uh…you're good at your job, puddin'?" guessed Harley.
"Well, that too, but it also means the closet's free until further notice!" said Joker, beaming. "And since Harvey and Pammie are letting their consciences bother them over this, it'll be all ours tonight!"
"Oh, puddin'!" giggled Harley, as he dragged her inside. "You're such a naughty boy! Now where were we?"
"Well, you were gonna get some Halloween candy, and I was gonna get some pumpkin pie," chuckled Joker. "I may even want seconds!"
...
"So Glenn's gonna be a brand new supervillain called the Janitor or something, huh?" sighed Joker, as he read in the newspaper about Glenn's confinement to Arkham Asylum a few weeks later. "It's exactly what we don't need in this town – another nutjob honing in on my act."
"He's gonna be sent to the new patient wing with the poisoners," said Ivy. "Maybe you can go talk to them about eliminating him."
"What an uncharacteristically good idea, Weed Lady!" exclaimed Joker, beaming as he stood up. "I'll be right back!"
"When is Joan gonna get a new janitor?" sighed Harley, who went to go dust off where Joker had been sitting and spray it with cleaning chemicals. "I'm sick of following Mr. J around to make sure everything is clean for him."
"I think she's interviewing today," said Tetch. "I saw quite a queue of people outside her office door earlier."
"J's right – you should speak English," retorted Two-Face, picking up the newspaper Joker had dropped. "And we call it a line."
"You wouldn't think many people would want to be applying for the position of janitor at Arkham," said Crane. "The odds of survival aren't good."
"Some people have death wishes," said Ivy, shrugging. "Plus it's better for the earth if they die off. Maybe they're finally taking environmental concerns seriously, and sacrificing themselves for the greater good."
"Well, that would be nonsense, but it would certainly qualify them to work in a lunatic asylum," agreed Tetch.
"Maybe they're all freaks who are hoping to clean up hair and stuff from us and sell it on ebay," commented Harley. "You know there are obsessive weirdos in this world who are sick enough to collect bizarre trophies like that."
"Didn't you stuff a pillow with Joker's hair once?" asked Ivy.
"We're not talking about me, Red - we're talking about obsessive weirdos!" snapped Harley.
"Hey, there's also a story in here about Ben Cross," said Two-Face, scanning the paper. "He's getting two years for manslaughter. That seems like a fair verdict to me."
"Only because it has a two in it," retorted Ivy. "I think anyone who kills a woman, accidentally or otherwise, should be imprisoned for life."
"Yeah, but you also think that about plants," retorted Two-Face. "Which is insane. Thankfully we don't base the law on your feelings."
"And what would be wrong with that?" demanded Ivy. "Are you saying my feelings are irrational?"
"Pammie, we're in an asylum for the criminally insane – all our feelings are irrational," retorted Two-Face.
"Harvey, you know I don't like being spoken to in that tone," snapped Ivy.
"Maybe we should settle this in the padded cells," said Two-Face, standing up and folding the paper. "You got the key?"
"Yes, but I'm not saying where," retorted Ivy, as she headed off to the cells with Two-Face following her. "I don't want the clowns to steal it again."
"We're supposed to be sharing!" shouted Harley after them. "Selfish jerks," she muttered, plumping the pillows on the sofa. "But at least we'll always have the janitor's closet."
"How romantic," said Crane, rolling his eyes.
"Boy, those are two nice old dames," said Joker, returning to the Rec Room. "I don't see what's so crazy about 'em. They told me they used to serve poisoned elderberry wine to old gentlemen who were all alone in the world to bring them a measure of peace. Seems like a kind thing to do to me."
"That's because the meaning of the word 'kind' is foreign to you," retorted Crane.
"Don't tempt me to ask them to make up a bottle of special elderberry wine for the two old losers I know who are all alone in the world," retorted Joker.
"Nice try, but I don't drink anything but tea," replied Tetch.
"Yeah, they told me they put the poison in wine because it's less noticeable - when it's in tea it has a distinct odor, apparently," sighed Joker, sitting back down on the sofa. "Anyway, they said they'd take care of Glenn for me – happy to do it, they said. Just a pair of sweet old ladies – they don't belong in here just for helping people out. They're providing a service, just like I'm providing a service of smiles, and we're all locked up in here just for trying to help people. But that's the kinda world we live in, I guess."
"Some people are just so ungrateful," agreed Harley.
"They sure are," said Joker. "Didn't you plump these pillows, you useless dame?" he demanded. "It don't feel like it. This isn't my hair one, is it?"
"I did plump them, puddin', I swear!" exclaimed Harley, reaching behind him to adjust them again. "And no, your hair one's in my cell. I always keep it close to me so I never have to be parted from you, even in sleep."
Crane sighed, standing up. "Where are you going, Jonathan?" asked Tetch.
"To my cell to work on my scheme for next Halloween," replied Crane. "I don't want to be stuck in here another year and let some unprofessional hack steal my holiday."
"Isn't it a bit early to be thinking about that?" asked Tetch.
"My dear Jervis, it's never too early, or too late, for Halloween," retorted Crane.
The End