Redefinition
by Lara
October
2005
Do not archive, translate or otherwise use this fic without permission. You are welcome to link to this page.
This is an amateur effort and not intended to infringe on the rights of C.S. Friedman. No monetary profit is being made.
"This is entirely your fault, Vryce."
Back to surnames again, are we? Damien thought, but it did not really bother him since he could guess the reason for that change.
"Of course it′s my fault that you didn′t tell me that you aren′t used to horseback riding as a human. And it′s also my fault that you′ve decided against a rest when I suggested it. And it′s my fault that you don′t have enough practice with normal Healing to fix this yourself."
Gerald scowled. Not physically - he was careful not to let his displeasure with the situation show - but Damien could feel an echo of a scowl across the mind bond. He might have called it a pout if he hadn′t suspected that Tarrant was able to pick up occasional thoughts from him.
"You are a Healer. You should have known."
Damien would have challenged that statement to point out that he wasn′t responsible for other people′s strained muscles, but there was enough honest ′ouch′ in Gerald′s voice to make him reconsider.
"You could have mentioned it," he said instead.
That earned him another scowl, almost visible this time.
Under most circumstances he′d have taken this the way Gerald intended; an invitation to an argument which would provide a distraction for a while. Gerald liked to argue and discuss, he′d found. It seemed to be an easy way to put unwelcome thoughts out of his mind. In the weeks after meeting again on Black Ridge pass, they′d spent a lot of time arguing. Discussing, rather, Damien amended. It had helped them to get reacquainted and adjust to the new situation, and it had also been entertaining, in a way.
This time he didn′t want to argue, though. He was willing to provide a partner for bantering most of the time, but not when Gerald was doing it to distract himself from hurting. That went completely against Damien′s nature, even if he could no longer call himself a Healer now that the fae was closed to him. Besides, Damien was too well aware that their arguing tended to eventually result in sex, and that would put even more of a strain on Gerald′s back.
He′d never hear the end of it.
"Sit down," he said, patting the spot next to him on the bed. "How bad is it?"
The way Gerald sat down very slowly and carefully told him enough already. He wondered how his companion had made it up the stairs to the inn′s second floor.
"It is... not entirely comfortable," Gerald admitted after some hesitation.
Damien sighed. Considering Gerald′s tendency to understate, that could mean anything from simple muscle strain to fractured vertebrae. Though he was moving too well for anything very bad, and Damien wanted to think that if something was seriously wrong, Gerald would be comfortable enough to admit it to him by now. He knew that a nine-centuries-old habit of downplaying weaknesses wasn′t broken in one day, but he was confident that Gerald was eventually going to figure out that Damien wasn′t going to use injuries against him. Sometimes it was surprising how dense such an intelligent person could be about some things. It wasn′t that Damien didn′t understand Gerald′s reasons for being wary. He just wished that after having been trusted with a potentially lethal mind-bond, an admission of pain wouldn′t be such a difficult and complicated issue anymore.
"Take your shirt off," he said. "I′m going to take a look."
Gerald didn′t challenge him over his plans; another sign that he probably hurt more than he let on.
Once the shirt was off, accompanied by almost-winces and almost-groans, Damien moved to sit behind Gerald and lightly touched his back to let him know he was there. Gerald tensed and straightened, a move that had to pull at the already sore muscles.
"Where does it hurt?" When Gerald didn′t answer immediately, Damien rolled his eyes and struggled for patience. "Gerald, I may not be able to Heal you, but I did learn about fae-free methods too. But you know I can′t See anymore, so you′re going to have to tell me where it hurts."
Through the touch, Gerald′s sigh could be felt, along with the most minute of shivers.
"Shoulders," he finally admitted.
"And?" Damien prompted calmly, carefully running his fingers across Gerald′s shoulders to find out just what he was dealing with. Tense muscles, by the feel of it, but nothing worse.
"Further down."
"The small of your back, by any chance?"
Gerald nodded very briefly. Damien almost asked him whether his ass was sore too - he was quite certain of it, since that usually came with a lack of riding experience - but he stopped himself in time. It had already been hard enough to get an admission about the shoulders, and there was no reason to challenge his luck.
Damien slowly mapped Gerald′s back, trying to detect spots of heat that would hint at more than simple soreness. "It doesn′t look like you made too much of a mess of yourself," he said eventually.
The sensation of scowling that washed across the bond was strong enough to make him be certain that this time Gerald wasn′t quite managing to keep his face expressionless. Damien couldn′t help smiling and wondered whether Gerald sensed that in turn, because the back beneath his fingers straightened and stiffened even further.
"You′re far too tense," he said. "Relax, or I′m not going to be able to do much about this."
Gerald turned around far enough to look at him. Damien noticed with some smugness that there still was a hint of a scowl on his face. He carefully pretended not to be amused too much.
"What are you going to do?"
"Get rid of the knots and kinks you′ve managed to put into your back," Damien said. It was unusual for Gerald to ask such a direct question, and he wasn′t certain how much of an answer was expected. Most of the time his companion was better at predicting him. "Lie down."
The look that explanation earned him was rather sceptical.
"On your stomach. For a massage," Damien clarified, and after some hesitation he was rewarded with a very slight smile before Gerald complied and stretched out on the bed with a flowing smoothness that shouldn′t have been possible for him at that moment. Show-off.
He′d have to make do without oil, he realized as he moved close enough to have his patient′s back within easy reach. They usually carried something of the sort, but that was intended for more intimate purposes and there wasn′t a lot of it left. Not enough to really make a difference in this case, at least. Well, it wasn′t like it was absolutely necessary; he′d just have to be careful. Which he would have been in any case, since the last he wanted was to turn this into an experience Gerald would dislike. It was difficult enough to get him to turn his back to Damien in most private situations- not out of fear, more out of well-masked uncertainty, as far as Damien was aware. Gerald didn′t like not knowing what was happening behind him, and while he usually trusted Damien to watch his back, the rules tended to change when it was just the two of them. Too many demons there, some of them old and some of a more recent date. Damien had learned to deal with it and work his way around it, because there wasn′t much else he could have done.
"Tell me if I do anything that hurts," he said, slowly running his hand across the smooth skin and searching for the areas that would need particular attention. "Or anything that doesn′t feel comfortable," he added, mindful that they had slightly different interpretations of ′hurt′.
Gerald nodded, then shifted a bit until he had his head rested on his crossed arms, his face turned to the side far enough to keep Damien in sight. Once that was accomplished, he visibly relaxed.
Damien gradually turned his exploring into firmer touches, mindful of sore spots and taut muscles. It was easy to lose himself in the movements and he simply went with the flow, knowing that he was too much out of practice with this to rely on knowledge alone. He focused inwards instead, on the mind bond and on the echoes of his touches it let him feel. He was quite familiar with that particular sensation by now, and he had been discovering a few interesting uses for it. Gerald didn′t seem to mind, even though he was a bit more reluctant about experimenting himself, which had been surprising until Damien remembered what had happened the first time he′d shared such a bond with another person.
He eased up a little when he started to work on Gerald′s shoulders, waiting until he felt warmth underneath his hands before he began to concentrate on working the tension out of the muscles. They′d have to travel more slowly tomorrow, with more breaks, and he′d have to keep an eye on his companion to make sure that Gerald wasn′t going to push himself too hard again. Damien had no illusions about how frustrating it had to be to have to deal with a human body and its boundaries again after so many years of absolute control in that regard. Even the fae couldn′t entirely make up for the new limitations. And until Gerald came to terms with that, someone else would have to watch out for him on occasion. Another reason for their arguments, though Gerald tended to eventually admit that Damien might perhaps have a point when he insisted on rest or food.
"This does feel good," Gerald said after a while.
Damien hummed in agreement, focused on a stubborn knot that simply refused to unwind. "It′s supposed to feel good," he said, then smiled a little as he felt that particular spot of tension fade beneath his fingers. "Move your shoulders and tell me if it still hurts."
Gerald shrugged very cautiously, then shook his head. "It′s better," he said.
"Good to know. I′m a bit out of practice." Damien moved his hands down, eventually settling on the small of Gerald′s back. It was different to touch him like this, carefully and intimately but without an immediate intention to take it any further. He was a little surprised that Gerald was actually managing to let him do this without trying to take back at least some measure of control. Submission wasn′t something Gerald was good at, but apparently there were certain circumstances where it was acceptable.
"And so you decided to practice on me." Gerald frowned at him.
"Just so."
The frown deepened.
Damien sighed and stopped. "Gerald, I′m not forcing you to let me do this. It′s not me who will have to deal with a stiff back tomorrow, so I′m doing you a favour. But I′m going to end this if you start complaining."
When there was no immediate reply, he resumed his work on the taut muscles, letting himself fall into the soothing motions once more. He liked to touch Gerald, now that he could feel warmth and humanity beneath his fingertips. Touching the Hunter had never been pleasant, it had always been a matter of necessity and only very rarely had it been reassuring. Another difference that enforced the knowledge that he was no longer travelling with the Hunter, but simply with Gerald Tarrant. Some things had changed, some things hadn′t. Damien quite liked the changes, even though he still had to get used to some of them.
"I′m grateful that you do this," Gerald said eventually.
"Well, the alternative would be having you glower at me all day tomorrow," Damien quipped. "And it would be even worse tomorrow evening. So if you let me fix this now, then it′s the best for both of us."
"You wouldn′t have done that in the past," Gerald pointed out carefully.
Damien considered that for a moment, then nodded. "It was never necessary," he said. "And there are quite a few things I wouldn′t have done before."
"Then it is fortunate for both of us that you changed." The last word trailed off into a quiet wince when Damien gripped a bit too firmly. He eased up again and stroked the spot apologetically.
"Sorry for that. And I′m not the only one who changed, you know?"
Gerald shot him a warning look, and Damien could feel him tense up again beneath his hands. "Vryce... be careful if you want the changes to last."
"I don′t mean that kind of change. But you′ve become a lot easier to live with, and even slightly less irritating. Sometimes."
Much to Damien′s surprise, Gerald did not frown at him again. He merely seemed to think about that statement. But when he spoke again, there was an audible hint of indignation.
"Irritating?"
Damien smiled and wondered just how much trouble he had gotten himself into. "Less now than before."
"How reassuring."
"You′ve improved quite a lot in that regard." Damien patted his back. "Finished. You should feel better now. Sit up, but carefully."
"I assume it would be irritating if I did not do as told."
Damien nodded. "Slightly. But not surprising, really," he said lightly.
Gerald stared at him for a moment, then shook his head and sat up. "Sometimes I do wonder what possessed me to ask you to come with me."
You wanted to have the company of someone who knew you before Damien thought, not about to say a potentially condemning answer out loud. "Must have been my irresistible charm."
That earned him another stare. "And you call me irritating." Gerald shook his head again, tentatively flexing his back. Damien watched him go through the movements, still focused enough on the channel between them to be able to tell that the tension was mostly gone. It pleased him that he′d been able to fix the problem, even without the fae. Proof that his old skills weren′t worthless, that all he needed to do was apply the knowledge differently.
The inaccessibility of the fae bothered him less with every day, even though he′d expected the opposite to happen. Gerald had retained most of his power, and he′d lost far less than Damien. Seeing him Work was always a reminder of what he′d been able to do in the past, and what was now denied to him. Damien still missed being able to use the fae, but it wasn′t the sharp hurt of loss he had felt in the first months. He′d been forced to accept it, and eventually the hurt had faded to an ache that would probably always be there, but which was not constantly on his mind. And it always helped to find that he could accomplish something just as well without Working.
"You′re thinking." Gerald′s quiet words startled him, and he found the silver gaze focused on him, not quite as hard as before.
"It happens. Sometimes I just can′t help it."
He felt a rush of exasperation through the mind bond, but there was also the barest hint of concern and that made him wonder.
"You do know why I sought you out again, don′t you?" Gerald asked.
He looked at him and nodded.
"I hold you in very high regard, Damien, and I greatly appreciate your company." He paused. "Even if you call me irritating."
Damien sighed. "All right, I′m sorry for that. And I am glad for your company too."
Gerald arched an elegant eyebrow. "Are you."
This time it was Damien who glared. "I thought I made that rather clear over the last weeks."
"I have to admit that I was wondering whether it wasn′t simply habit that made you come with me." There was an undercurrent in Gerald′s voice that Damien couldn′t quite read, and he didn′t get anything useful through the bond anymore either.
"Well, someone has to make sure that you don′t get into trouble," Damien said, trying to puzzle this out. He had the feeling that it was important, but of course Gerald had to be difficult about it again. Whatever it was. "That′s what friends are for, you know? It′s one of those human things again."
"Friends." The way Gerald said it, Damien suspected that he was on the right track.
"It′s not really such a strange idea, when you think about it." Looking back, Damien was aware that they′d shared a somewhat twisted kind of friendship for quite a while, even before they′d returned from the East. Karril had seen it much sooner than he had, and there had been enough random comments from strangers to make Damien acknowledge that they might have had a point. He just hadn′t liked to admit it to himself that he could have befriended the Hunter. But now the Hunter was out of the picture, and friendship still didn′t quite seem to fit them. It was more complicated than that, with respect and desire and even a sprinkling of more thrown into the mix.
"And that′s why you agreed to accompany me."
Damien nodded. "That′s it."
Gerald seemed to contemplate that particular revelation for a moment. "I don′t think friendship is the right word," he said after a moment. "But there is no point in arguing semantics with you."
Damien knew that they were thinking about the same; that friendship normally didn′t include the kind of intimacy they′d been sharing rather enthusiastically. But it didn′t seem right to call it an affair either, not in the usual sense at last, because to Damien′s mind that included more romance and less confusion, and lots of love declarations. And that was definitely not like them.
"It′s complicated," he said eventually.
"It would appear so." Gerald still appeared to puzzle over the best word to describe them, and Damien mentally filed that bit of information away for use if he ever needed to distract his companion in a hurry. Not that Gerald was easy to distract, but it was worth a try.
"Does it really matter?" he asked. "I mean... we know what it is. And I think it′s the same for both of us, so who needs a label. Who knows, we might eventually end up at a point where humanity actually has a word again for what is going on."
The look Gerald gave him was full of scepticism. "Somehow I doubt that," he said.
"Yes, you′re right. Normality just isn′t us."