Narrator here! After long last…
Kanashimi: Long, long, long last…
Narrator: (deathglare) I humbly present the fourth chapter of Statistically Speaking. I do so hope you are amused by it.
Kanashimi: Yes, because if you're amused, you're less likely to try and hunt onee-sama down and thwack her for not updating more regularly.
Narrator: (deathglare x 1000) Stuff happens, like term papers, graduation, moving, and job-hunting, I'm sure they understand that!
Kanashimi: Mmmm-hmmm… right. You just keep telling yourself that, onee-sama. Right up to the point where that dragonsword comes down on your head.
Narrator: (soto voce) Stop giving them ideas, dammit!
Disclaimer: It's the same tired story, a thousand, thousand times told; saying we don't own SDKyo sure gets friggin' old.
Kanashimi: Wow, verse. I hope you didn't overexert your creative faculties and hurt yourself coming up with that.
Narrator: Listen, you…
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Chapter 4: Chi-square Test of Significant Psychosis
The echoes of Yukimura's desperate, anguished cry hung in the air like shards of glass; Sasuke fell against him heavily, a limp deadweight that caused him to stagger (though that might have been from mere shock). The master general noted almost in passing that Kyo and Kanashimi were converging on the person hovering above him, undiluted manic glee shining on her face.
"You are dead," he informed the authoress solemnly.
"Bifurcated data set with outlying unit... vulnerable," she responded before vanishing in a poof of green smoke.
"Bloody hell!" Kanashimi swore, stamping her diminutive foot and throwing down her whip in disgust. She glared angrily up at Kyo. "This is all your fault!" she shouted, her entire chibified form trembling with wrath, "How could you just go and challenge onee-sama directly like that! Didn't you hear me say that she's insane and omnipotent! Threatening her to her face in her current state is like begging for a cosmic bitch-slap! I swear, this is just further proof that testosterone is a neural inhibitor! Kyo-honey, sometimes you can be so...!"
Kanashimi realized belatedly that Kyo was not listening to a single word of her impassioned rant. Rather, he was staring blankly off into space. "Kyo-honey..." she growled warningly, an enormous roll of duct tape beginning to materialize in her tiny hand.
"She said 'outlying unit vulnerable'..." Kyo stated flatly. Without warning, he bolted, leaving Kanashimi coughing and sneezing in a cloud of dust.
"Marvelous, now all of sudden he gets protective and concerned for his love interest. Kyo no baka!" she carped. Grumbling about idiotic males who let their swords do the balance of their thinking, Kanashimi turned to Yukimura and Sasuke. Immediately, her frustration with a certain empty-headed, demon-eyed samurai was forgotten. "Oi, Yukimura... you okay?" she asked worriedly.
Yukimura was sitting silently on the ground, Sasuke's unmoving body cradled in his arms. His head was lowered, his bangs veiling his face in a classic posture of grief. Kanashimi took a step toward him, hesitated, and then oh-so-gently reached out...
... grabbed Yukimura by the shoulders and shook him so hard his head rattled like a maraca. "Snap out of it, will you!" she ordered, "Onee-sama hit him with her skillet, she didn't kill him, for cripe's sake!"
"Wha...?" Yukimura managed, his eyes swirling in his head.
Kanashimi harrumphed and released him. "Men!" she sighed in exasperation, peering down at Sasuke to determine the extent of the damage her dear elder sister's power had wreaked... and blinked in surprise. 'That's funny... other than that lump on his head where onee-sama whalloped him, he doesn't seem to have changed at all!'
"It almost looks as though she only wanted to incapacitate him," she ventured. And yet... as Kanashimi continued to stare at the unconscious onimitsu, she could not deny that something about him felt... off. 'I can't put my finger on it, but...'
Just then, Sasuke groaned, his hand immediately going to his abused forehead. "Itaiiiii... Kuso, what the hell hit me?" he mumbled. Something about his voice made Kanashimi's ears twitch.
'No way... onee-sama couldn't possibly have...'
"Sasuke?" Yukimura gasped, staring down at his young subordinate in amazement and cautious hope. "Sasuke!" he yelped happily, glomping the still-disconcerted boy without reserve, "You're all right! I thought I told you never to risk yourself like that again!"
"Augh!" Sasuke protested. Kanashimi's suspicions were confirmed.
"Um, Yukimura? I think onee-sama did something to him after all..."
However, Yukimura had already been enlightened to this fact, for, you see, there are certain things you tend to notice about people when you hug them tightly...
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"Migeira-san... what are you doing here?" Yuya repeated. The disaster of Hotaru's imminent dunking averted, she sat down heavily on the ground.
"Yuya-san, are you all right?" Migeira asked, setting Hotaru on his feet and kneeling beside the bounty huntress in concern.
"Hey you jerk, get away from her!" a soaking Benitora yelped, charging out of the river with a great deal of splashing and barking. "Don't you dare try to do anything to Yuya-han!" he growled, placing himself squarely between Yuya and Migeira. All Benitora had seen from his vantage point in the river was Migeira diving at Yuya and her suddenly falling down, so one could forgive his rather rude behavior.
"Benitora..." Yuya gasped.
"This... is Benitora-san?" Migeira asked in amazement as he regarded the large hound that was showing off his gleaming fangs to great effect.
"No, it's baka-inu-Tora-san!" Hotaru corrected, rattling off his favorite nickname for the long-suffering transformed warrior. He seemed none the less worse for wear; but then, Hotaru did have a track record for being out of the loop where most things were concerned.
"I do not intend Shiina Yuya-san any harm... Benitora-san," Migeira told the dog with complete seriousness.
"Not while I'm here, you sure as hell won't!"
"Benitora, it's all right, Migeira-san's not the enemy," Yuya reassured her canine companion. She looked at Migeira and inclined her head. "Thank you, Migeira-san, for coming to Hotaru-chan's rescue."
"You are welcome," Migeira replied, extending a hand to her, courteously helping her to her feet, "Yuya-san, forgive me for prying, but what are you doing out here alone?"
"Oi, I'm with her, you mask-wearin' white-haired freak bastard!" Benitora helpfully pointed out.
"Ano... we were chasing after Hotaru-chan," Yuya said, giving Benitora a stern look (she might not understand his barking, but she knew him well enough to guess when he was being rude), "He wandered away from us while we were..." Her eyes widened suddenly in dismay. "Kyo and the others! Shimatta, we left them to deal with Kanashimi's onee-sama!"
"... I beg your pardon?" Migeira asked.
"No time to explain, Migeira-san, but you should come with us! It's not safe here!" Yuya said, "Benitora, grab Hotaru-chan" (the chibi-swordsman, bored with "grown-up talk," had wandered back toward the river bank and was chucking pebbles into the water) "we've got to get back to the others before it's too late!"
Benitora needed no urging to grab Hotaru by the scruff of his collar and drag him, protesting mightily, away from the river.
"Hotaru-chan, do you still have Akira-san?" Yuya asked, praying that the oblivious child had not dropped his former comrade Kami-sama-knows-where.
Hotaru pulled Akira-the-Stuffed-Bunny-Rabbit out of his gi. "Hai!"
Yuya sighed in relief. "Why don't you let nee-san hold onto him for a bit, ne?" she asked, "We're going back to Kyo and everyone now."
Hotaru pouted his lip as he regarded her dubiously.
"I'll give you another piggy-back ride," Yuya suggested in near-desperation. Something horrific could be happening in their absence, but she was not about to leave anyone behind.
"I'll let you have Akira-usagi, but I want him to give me a piggy-back ride!" Hotaru said, pointing up at Migeira.
"Eh?" Migeira was somewhat taken aback, and Benitora was only too happy to snicker at someone else being discomfited by Hotaru.
"Migeira-san, could you please...?" Yuya asked him, looking up at him with unconsciously huge, melting doe-eyes.
Migeira coughed slightly. "I will do as you ask, Yuya-san," he said with deliberate gravity, "if you answer one question: is this child in fact Hotaru of the Mibu?"
"Yes, he is," Yuya replied in surprise, "How did you...?"
"No time," Migeira interrupted, reaching down with his one good arm and easily sweeping Hotaru up onto his shoulder, "but perhaps you have less explaining to do than you think."
"What the hell does that mean?" Benitora demanded, but Yuya had already taken Akira from Hotaru and the group was heading back into the forest without him. "Oi, Yuya-han, wait up! You shouldn't... oi!" With a frustrated growl, Benitora galloped after them.
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'Damn that woman, why'd she have to stomp off like that!' Kyo was thinking as he bent down to examine a patch of disturbed earth. He could have easily found Yuya and Benitora simply by seeking out the latter's ki and focusing on it, but for some reason, this ability was being blocked.
Kyo had a fairly good idea of who was behind it, and that did not make him any happier. As a matter of fact, a casual observer would have noted that he seemed to become more desperate as precious seconds ticked away. 'She just asks for trouble with that damned temper of hers! And that insane little bitch going to find her and Benitora sure as shit won't be any help when it comes to...' With a violent oath, Kyo slammed the door on that particular train of thought and began loping along in what he was 96.4 certain was the correct direction...
--------------------------------
Kanashimi was starting to get irritated. Well, more irritated than she had been before, thanks to her dear onee-sama's rampage, her continuing success at evading capture, Kyo's latest bout of masculine idiocy, Life in general, etc., etc. Suffice it to say, the current situation was just icing on a gigantic Annoying-the-Hell-Out-of-Kanashimi cake.
"... I'M GOING TO KILL HER! I AM GOING TO KILL THAT THRICE-DAMNED INSANE LITTLE WITCH! PAIN, LOT'S OF PAIN, INVOLVING SHARP STICKS AND MY KATANA! SHE'S GOING TO SUFFER FOR THIS! I'M GOING TO...!"
Kanashimi coughed politely. "Ano, Sasuke...?" She dearly wished Yukimura would help her out, but since he was currently in the grips of a fairly solid state of shock-induced catatonia, she was on her own.
"... SEND HER TO JIGOKU IN TINY LITTLE PIECES THAT EMMA-O WILL HAVE TO SIFT THROUGH ASHES TO FIND BECAUSE WHEN I'M DONE KILLING HER, I'M GOING TO BURN HER CORPSE WITH...!"
Kanashimi decided she had finally had enough. "Right, then," she announced, striding up to the loudly ranting onimitsu who had thus far ignored all of her attempts at polite interruption.
Without further ado, she pulled a dead herring from Hammerspace and smacked Sasuke across the face with it. "Knock it off right now, or in the name of Betty Page-sama, I'll knock it off for you!" she stated simply, "Just because onee-sama turned you into a girl doesn't give you to right to act like the world is coming to an end."
Actually, as Kanashimi herself explained before, those two events were in fact synonymous, but Kanashimi was speaking from a metaphorical standpoint.
"Aaaaaaargh!" Sasuke, because he... or rather, she... did not give two bits about metaphors, synonyms, or allegories for that matter, drew his/her katana and was about to engage in some very unladylike venting when Kanashimi hit him/her with the herring hard enough lay the incensed onimitsu flat out on his/her ass.
"Like I said, kid," Kanashimi said, looming over the stunned Sasuke (which was a feat in and of itself, as Kanashimi was still in chibi-battle-mode), "Give me one good reason to shut you up for good and I'll do it. We can't afford to have you freak out because of some minor detail like a sex change."
"But I'm a woman now!" Sasuke howled, the indignity and absurdity of it all finally overwhelming his/her already frazzled nerves, "I'm... I'm... I'm a Sanada kunoichi!"
"Woman? Kunoichi?" Kanashimi echoed disdainfully. She reached out and gave one of Sasuke's new "assets" a good squeeze. "Sorry to disappoint you, but even if these things were enough to send Yukimura over there into a state of shock, you're barely an A. I think the threshold for kunoichi is at least a decent C."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
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"Thaaaat probably wasn't a good thing, just then," Benitora announced somewhat unnecessarily as the echoes of the shrill screams died away, "If it hadn't been so girly, I would have said something happened to Sasuke."
Migeira halted and narrowed his eyes. "I was afraid of this..."
"Oh no, we're too late!" Yuya panted, almost running into Migeira. For some reason, the way back to the others was taking nearly ten times as long as their initial foray, even going at a full-out sprint. Yuya had been hard-pressed to keep up with Benitora's dogged (sorry, couldn't resist!) agile endurance and Migeira's incredibly long strides. She sat down on a nearby tree root to catch her breath.
"But what's really weird..." Benitora continued, whimpering softly in agitation, "I could swear that sounded like whoever it was, they were a good li away, if not more. Dammit, this forest is starting to get as tricky as Aokigahara!"
"Benitora-san, I trust that your new senses do not play you false, but I believe we have been somehow led astray," Migeira announced.
Yuya and Benitora blinked and gaped at him. "What makes you say that?" Yuya asked.
"Yeah, if you're hiding anything from us, you'd better spill it, and fast!" Benitora added.
"Call it a hunch," was Migeira's only explanation, "It will do us no good to continue exhausting ourselves by running around this trap. We'll make our stand here." He carefully placed Hotaru on the ground beside Yuya and surveyed their surroundings.
Despite the relatively old age of the forest, there was plenty of bracken and stands of younger trees to constrict his field of vision to a bare ten meters. The shifting of light and shadow as the wind whispered through the branches did not help matters; it was all too easy to be distracted by an imagined glimpse of an enemy, only to be ambushed from an unanticipated direction. Migeira grit his teeth in exasperation. 'As if I was not already hampered because of what that demon spawn did to me...'
Benitora was sniffing the dirt, attempting to reclaim the scent trail he had led the others along. 'I don't get it, it smells right, somehow... but it feels wrong!' He had not wanted to give credence to Migeira's suspicions (since they directly called his tracking abilities into question), but now that he had time to mull it over... 'Dammit, have I been leading us in circles this entire time?' That would be unforgivable; if he had played into Narrator's hands and placed Yuya in direct danger because he had not paid close enough attention, he would never forgive himself.
And then, the faintest something tugged at his awareness...
"Oi, heads up, guys, I think someone's headed this way!" Benitora snarled in low undertone. He sidled over to Migeira and poked him with his forepaw. "Hey, you, get that cannon thingy of yours out, we've got incoming."
"Which direction?" Migeira asked Benitora under his breath. Yuya was watching the two of them with a tense expression on her face, her revolver out and at the ready, her other hand clutching Hotaru's arm to keep him still. She had also stuffed Akira into her obi again, something that Benitora was not happy to notice.
"Just be ready for anything," Benitora warned, striding over to Yuya and plopping himself on his haunches at her feet.
Migeira looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
"Go stuff yourself, this is where I'll make my stand!" Benitora said.
Rolling his eyes and sighing, Migeira could do little more than maintain his constant visual sweeps of the forest as they waited in uncomfortable silence for the appearance of their enemy.
Fortunately, it was not an overlong interval. "There!" Benitora shot to all four paws (yanking his ear out of Hotaru's hand in the process) and stared fixedly in the direction where he had barely caught the sound of a carefully placed footfall. Migeira took his cue from Benitora and fell into the defensive stance of someone used to unarmed combat techniques.
'That's odd, why doesn't he just take out his Muramasa cannon and blow everything to hell?' Yuya wondered as she got to her feet and thrust Hotaru behind her. She brought up her revolver and sighted along the barrel...
There was an unmistakable sound of a twig snapping as the undergrowth rustled and was slowly pushed aside...
"Aroo?" "Kyo-han, what the heck are you doing here?"
"Onime no Kyo...?"
"Kyo!" Yuya immediately put her revolver down and breathed a sigh of relief.
"What the hell are you all doing just standing around here?" Kyo demanded sharply, though there was a fractional relaxation of his tense shoulders when he caught sight of Yuya.
That might have been pure coincidence, mind you.
"Well, we thought Kanashimi-san's onee-sama was about to attack," Yuya answered as she and Benitora walked toward him, "Thank goodness it was only you!"
"Boy, am I glad you found us, Kyo-han!" Benitora added, "Migeira-han seems to think we've walked into a trap of some sort."
"I see you at least managed to find Hotaru and Akira," Kyo remarked. If he gave thought to the fact that Akira was lodged in Yuya's obi again, he did not mention it. "And picked up a self-righteous bastard in the bargain," he continued, noticing Migeira, "What the hell are you doing here, Migeira? Come to challenge me and set right the course of history or whatever crap you've been spouting?"
"Not this time, Onime no Kyo," Migeira replied stiffly, "However, that is only because I have been made aware of a graver and more immediate threat."
"Oh?" Kyo cocked a sardonic eyebrow. He would have said more, but Yuya interrupted him with a shout of, "No, no! Hotaru-chan, what did nee-san tell you about wandering off?"
For some reason, Hotaru ignored her and continued to toddle off in the direction of his newest fancy.
"Hotaru-chan! Young man, you come back here this instant!" Yuya scolded, chasing after the little boy.
"Who or whatever changed Hotaru of the Mibu into that child is something a thousand times more dangerous than whatever threat your existence poses," Migeira continued, as though there had not been an interruption.
"Let me guess - you have no idea how to deal with it on your own?" Kyo drawled smugly.
Migeira glared at him, but nodded, once.
"What the hell makes you think I'm going to waste any of my valuable time helping you?" continued Kyo, really warming up to tweaking the hell out of Migeira. It probably had less to do with the fact that he had any particular dislike for Migeira, and more to do with the fact that he had tasted humiliation for the second time in as many days at the hands of someone less than one-fifth his size. A female, skillet-wielding someone at that. Someone had to suffer for his wounded ego, and Migeira had just set himself up as a wonderfully opportune target. "You'd better just get the hell out of my face, Migeira, before I rearrange yours."
Migeira's spine became more rigid, and his right arm twitched noticeably beneath the concealing folds of his mantle. However, his only reply was a strained, "You have an obligation, Onime no Kyo, to return your comrade to normal." He inclined his head toward Benitora, who was less than thrilled to be brought into the conversation in such an ignominious manner.
"Hey, I am not Kyo-han's 'obligation,' jackass, so don't you think you can use me to make him listen to you!" Benitora snarled, his hackles raised like he had just strolled over a static-charged carpet.
Kyo's smirk became slightly less amused and slightly more angry without losing a wit of its blood-thirsty overtones. "You've got to be pretty damned sure of yourself and incredibly stupid in the bargain to think you can talk to me like that and not eat steel," he remarked flatly.
"If your ego is that important to you, then I see I have wasted valuable time," said Migeira, abruptly and unexpectedly turning his back on Kyo, "And even if you don't care enough about your friends, at least I will do what I can to protect the most deserving of them."
Kyo's jaw actually dropped (but only slightly) while Benitora literally fell over in surprise as Migeira strode away, as though giving a katana-happy samurai and an incensed canine the cold shoulder was something he did every day.
"Oi, what the hell…!" Kyo managed once his brain managed to override his shock. 'Am I losing my grip?' he thought privately, 'Have I become so soft that any idiot takes it for granted that he can insult me to my face and walk away with his head still on his shoulders?' His eyes narrowed dangerously. 'Well, that stops here and now!' After he killed Migeira, perhaps Benitora could be persuaded to keep his trap shut with a simple threat. It would be a shame to have to kill one of his servants, especially since the other seemed to have wandered away and gotten herself lost again…
'Wait a minute…' Kyo checked himself mid-stride, his katana already half-way out of its saya.
"Precisely, Onime no Kyo," Migeira said, not bothering to stop or turn around, "Yuya-san went after Hotaru-san and has not returned. Given the present state of affairs, I can only conclude that she is in danger. And since you and Hidetada-san are more concerned with your injured pride, I will go and…"
Migeira neatly side-stepped to avoid being run over by Kyo and Benitora as man and dog dove into the underbrush where they had last seen Yuya. Migeira sighed and cast his eyes heavenward, as if asking if it was possible for such consummate warriors to be so dense at the same time. Straightening his mantle, Migeira followed after them in a more dignified manner.
"Now…" Kanashimi began, once more in her normal mode ("normal" being something of a misnomer, as anyone who has met Kanashimi knows that she defies any accepted and several rejected conceptions of the appellation in every way, shape, or form, unless there exists a "normal" categorization for whip-and-duct-tape-wielding, bishonen-hunting, omnipotent and sardonically witty muses with a penchant for fishnet stockings and plaid), "Have we calmed down?"
"…mrfibblempdf…"
"I'm sorry, what was that?" Kanashimi said sweetly, a manic glint in her eye, "Do I need to bring out the fish again?"
Sasuke immediately straightened, a flat-out terrified look on her face. "No, you don't!"
"No I don't…. what, Sasuke-chan?" Kanashimi prompted.
"No, you don't… Kanashimi-sama," Sasuke managed, only with great effort. The distasteful utterance seemed to bring her back to her senses and the gender-bent onimitsu glared at Kanashimi with her customary sullen aversion.
"Excellent!" Kanashimi chirped, banishing the much-abused dead herring back into Hammerspace, "Help me to get Yukimura coherent, or at least on his feet again, so we can find the others, m'kay?"
As much as Sasuke hated to admit it, Kanashimi had hit on the only (logical) plan of action. "All right, fine," she allowed, "How do we do that?"
Kanashimi glanced over at Yukimura and pursed her lips. "That's a good question..." She sighed mulling over her options. "Well, it's always best to go with tried and true." But just as she was summoning another herring, an Evil Thought occurred to her. This was not an unusual event, but the Evil Thought also happened to be Quite Devious and, most importantly, Entertaining.
"What's the hold-up?" groused Sasuke, noticing Kanashimi's deceptively vacant expression. She immediately regretted opening her mouth when Kanashimi blinked back into focus and regarded the suddenly wary onimitsu with shining eyes and a Cheshire-cat grin.
"I've figured out how to wake Yukimura up."
"... And that would be how?" Sasuke finally encouraged, when it became clear Kanashimi would not elaborate further until she asked for it.
Kanashimi's grin became impossibly wider as she delivered the import of her Quite Devious and Entertaining Evil Thought: "All you have to do is give him a little kiss..."
The corner of Sasuke's left eye spasmed. "You're shitting me, right?" A heated blush crept across Sasuke's cheeks even before she could think about it.
Kanashimi rolled her eyes and heaved a deep, long-suffering sigh, laughing mentally all the while. "Look, we can engage in another series of histrionics if that will make you feel better, but the end result will be the same. Kiss him and get on with it so we can move out, or I'll smack you with something more substantial this time!"
"But…"
"If you're going to go all squidgy on me, I just might have to kiss him for you," Kanashimi said, moving toward Yukimura.
She managed to avoid the katana blade by the merest micrometer. "Make up your mind, will you?" she demanded, rounding on Sasuke and ignoring the razor-sharp bit of metal hovering right around her trachea.
Sasuke's nervous twitch returned with a vengeance, but as she looked at her liege lord, she could not but accept that the planets and stars were aligned against her. "I'll... do it," Sasuke mumbled under her breath, lowering her katana ever-so-slowly. Taking a deep breath and gathering all her courage, Sasuke moved past Kanashimi toward Yukimura... hesitated... slowly bent down to reach Yukimura's lips...
... at which point, Kanashimi, bored with the long, drawn-out scene, pushed Sasuke forward as hard as she could.
The resultant kiss would have sent shonen-ai fans into throes of fangirlish glee if Sasuke's current gender was conveniently forgotten.
Kanashimi snapped a quick picture for posterity (and later blackmailing purposes).
"Oh, hello, Sasuke," Yukimura said, apparently not at all surprised to see a female Sasuke sprawled and blushing in his lap, "What say we all go and find Kyo-san and the others?"
Kanashimi smirked and patted the stunned Sasuke on her head. "Okay, Sasuke-chan, enough PDA, we have a job to do. When we stop for the night, you're more than welcome to continue."
"Yare, yare, I hold Kyo-san doesn't get into too much trouble without us," Yukimura remarked as he watched his red-faced subordinate chase a laughter-hysterical muse about the clearing with her over-long katana.
"There you are, Hotaru-chan!" Yuya exclaimed victoriously, snatching up the blonde child, who squawked in surprise, "What were you thinking, suddenly running off like that!"
"But she was going to give me candy!" Hotaru protested, waving a small brightly-colored cardboard box that rattled, as though it were some talisman to ward off all trouble.
"I don't care, I've told you so many times before not to..." Yuya stopped mid-sentence, cold dread washing over her. "Hotaru-chan," she began, swallowing against her suddenly dry throat and trying to ignore the frisson scittering up and down her spine, "who is she?"
"Her," Hotaru replied impatiently, clearly of the opinion that Yuya should have been aware of something so completely obvious. He pointed to a small person seated tree stump not three paces away. A small person with pink pigtails and malevolent neon pink eyes, who was grinning at Yuya as a cat grins at a lame, plump mouse.
Yuya's fear was practically choking her, but she would be damned if she wouldn't go down without a fight. Pulling Hotaru behind her, she then began reaching for her concealed revolver. "You're... you're Kanashimi's onee-sama, aren't you?" she asked, trying to distract her enemy for a few precious seconds. Not that Narrator had made any threatening moves, but Yuya knew that meant squat when it came to insane omnipotent beings.
Narrator cocked her head quizzically, her gaze locked on Yuya's. "Application of regression analysis concludes relationship between x-one and x-two variables significant," she answered.
Yuya didn't know if that was a "yes" or a "no," but then, she really did not give a damn. Shoving Hotaru to one side, she whipped out her revolver and fired two shots almost point-blank at Narrator. The rounds plowed harmlessly into the ground several meters away as Narrator vanished from sight.
'Oh no!' Yuya whirled around, trying to figure out where the authoress would attack from.
A shrill battle cry sounded behind her, but before she could turn around, Yuya was thrown to the ground by an explosive shockwave accompanied by near-unbearable heat.
"Wha…?" Yuya cried, looking over her shoulder, expecting to see Doom descending on her in the form of a black iron skillet. She blinked. Instead of the Skillet'o Doom, the explosion had come from Hotaru, who had used his fire-wielding power (channeled through a hefty stick) to protect his adopted nee-san. Scorched earth and charred trees gave evidence to the ferocity of his counter-attack. "Hotaru…chan?"
The chibi-swordsman ignored her, crouching in a defensive guard as he glared up at his opponent through narrowed, predatory eyes. Ken-ki limned his tiny form in white-hot tongues of flame.
"Unanticipated variable significantly affects initial hypothesis," Narrator hissed unpleasantly, hanging from a tree branch above the fire-line.
Hotaru's only response was launch himself up at her like a firecracker touched by a match.
"No, Hotaru-chan, don't…!" Yuya cried helplessly, certain that Hotaru had just leapt into the embrace of Certain Death.
"Yaaaaaaaaahhhh" Hotaru yelled, all focus on defeating Narrator in a single blow.
It was a noble effort, backed by not unimpressive ability, but Narrator had her skillet.
Ker-wham!
CRACK!
Yuya threw herself forward, catching Hotaru before he could slam into the ground, his improvised weapon in useless splinters falling from his bruised hand.
"Itaiiii, nee-san…" he whimpered, his bottom lip quivering.
"Sh-shhh, Hotaru-chan, it's all right," Yuya comforted him, "You did very well." Ever so gently, she placed him on the ground and brought her revolver to bear on Narrator. "Unforgivable," she declared, her voice quivering with barely contained rage, "You already made him a child! You didn't have to hurt him like that!"
"Insignificant correlation," Narrator retorted with a mad cackle, dropping to the ground. She pointed her skillet at Yuya.
The bounty huntress refused to be intimidated. "Why don't you come get me," she spat, beckoning to Narrator. Her finger tightened incrementally on the trigger.
Pink eyes narrowed to evil slits…
"Mizuchi!"
"Kyo!" Yuya gasped as the attack blasted from the trees somewhere to her right, zeroed in on Narrator.
Kyo, with Benitora and Migeira hot on his heels, burst into the open a split second later.
"No good!" Migeira was shouting even as the echoes of the Mizuchi faded like the memory of thunder (leaving the blasted ruin of a good many trees in its wake), "She vanished before the attack hit her!"
Kyo cursed violently and rounded on Yuya. "What the hell were you thinking, running off like that?" he bellowed, his left hand twitching as he if wanted to do nothing more than grab Yuya and shake her, "Are you that careless with your life, dogface?"
Yuya's relief at the rescue was quickly swallowed up by righteous anger. "I can take care of myself!" she yelled, "And Hotaru-chan was…!"
"Idiot girl!" Kyo interrupted hotly, "Your damned stubbornness is going to get you killed one of these days if you don't open your eyes and…!"
"Open my eyes? How can you say that, after you…!"
"Uh, Kyo-han? Yuya-han? Guys, oi, I don't think…!" Benitora tried to interrupt, but his incoherent growls and barks only contributed to the general din.
"The enemy is still alive, Onime no Kyo, we don't have time to…" Migeira interjected sternly.
"YOU SHUT UP!" Kyo and Yuya yelled at him in unison.
The corner of Migeira's eye spasmed.
"We're going back to join Yukimura," Kyo said coldly, cutting Yuya short and grabbing her by her wrist, "Enough of your screwing around, keep a tight hold on Hotaru so we can get the hell out of here."
"And what makes you think you have the right to lead me around?" Yuya retorted, "Let go of me, you jerk!" She pulled as hard as she could against his grip, knowing it was a symbolic struggle at best but refusing just to give in to Kyo.
It was only natural (in Kyo's opinion) that he give her exactly what she wanted, and if she fell on her ass in the process, it was only fair comeuppance. 'After I ran all the way out here to save her ungrateful ass…' he thought as he suddenly let go, at the instant Yuya was most off-balance.
Yuya half-shrieked as she fell backwards, and Kyo allowed himself a small smug smirk of victory… until he noticed Narrator hovering in the air right behind Yuya.
Narrator bared her teeth at him in a mocking parody of his smirk. "Outlying unit… vulnerable," she reminded him as her skillet descended.
"No!" he shouted, diving forward to pull Yuya to safety, to strike Narrator down…
… too late.
WHAM!
"YUYAAAAAAAA!"
"Hi-hi, peoples!" Kanashimi chirped, popping into view just then with Yukimura, Sasuke, Okuni and Saizo-the-Fern in tow, "We followed the sounds of melodramatic shouts and explosions. Did we miss anything?"
Eyes blazing with killing fury, Kyo turned to her, Yuya's unmoving form in his arms. Tenro glowed in his hand, limned in the dark aura of unfettered bloodlust.
"Oh…"
-----------------------------
Somewhere in the dark, shadowed halls of the castle home of the Mibu, a young man with silver-white hair paused momentarily as an eerie presence filtered across his awareness and was gone like a willow-the-wisp. 'I must be imagining things…' Shinrei tried to convince himself, though he still felt the cold chill of lingering evil. Shaking his head, he continued on, deaf to the low, keening chortle that shuddered through the darkness at his passing…
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To My (Beloved!) Reviewers: Ahem, some of you might still be thinking that it would be a good thing to cause me grievous bodily injury for failing to update for so long. But please, let me remind you that if you do, there will be even more lapses between installments!
Kanashimi: Now that would be a cryin' shame, wouldn't it?
Narrator: Kanashimi, you're not helping!
Kanashimi Since when is "helping" in my job description?
Narrator: (muttering) I knew I should have taken a closer look at that contract… that's what I get for signing my little sister on as a muse!
Kanashimi: True, that. Anyway, thank your reviewers for being so patient, they at least deserve that!
Narrator: Keep your skirt on, I'm getting there!
animegrl1047: Run, animegrl-san, run! Thank you so much for being patient, and as a token of such, here is a Plot Hole you can use to send your imouto into a parallel universe for a bit.
(Kanashimi: You know, if you ever tried that on me…
Narrator: Yes, yes, I know: pain, death and squirrels. (shudders) And it looks as though you have another candidate for a minion…
Kanashimi I'll think about it. Depends on if she can abide by the dress code or not.
Narrator: Not everyone can get away with plaid and fishnets, you know.
KanashimiWell, that's why I'm so extraordinary!
Narrator: Yes, with an extraordinarily capacious ego!
I hope you did well on your exams!
yami1: I don't know if it's "baby-sitting" more than it's "adopting." Hope you enjoyed this newest chapter!
Alyson Metallium: (grabs Akira and throws him into a Plot Hole before he can ice her) Hahahah! Victory is mine! at least you aren't threatening me with death for not updating for so long… and yes, it is rather hard to be pro Kyo/Yuya and Akira/Yuya at the same time. I blame it all on nekozuki-san! As for Kyo being jealous – we all know he is, he just can't seem to admit it to himself. (shakes head, smacks Kyo a good one, and runs from a Mizuchi) Yee!
Damien-chan: Argh, the voice of my conscience, leaving so many other fics unfinished! I'm such a bad fanfiction writer, I'm soorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyy (starts sobbing)
(Kanashimi: (sighs and pulls a herring out of Hammerspace) Lets have none of those Sohma Ritsu melodramatics, oaky? (whacks her sister on the head)
Narrator: Itai! Dangit, that's not funny!
And once again, thanks so much for the for the adorable fanart on MT. I wish that had been up for the contest, because I surely would have voted for it!
Windy-Skies: (heart eyes) I love you too! (glomps WS) As for being a muse… do you find it entertaining to smack people around when they're being lazy?
(Kanashimi: Do you have squirrel minions you can sic on your onee-sama for trying to down-size you behind your back?
Narrator: Ummm, never mind…
Jouhaiichi I don't manage my time. That's my secret.
Nekozuki1776: How many times am I going to have to grab Akira-usagi back from other fangirls? He's mine gosh-darnit! (grabs Akira and padlocks the Plot Hole) And one of the great things about my throw-away comedic fics is that I'm free to use any language I want – I guess that's why this story's going along so much faster than Intermezzo…
LadyWater2010: Oh my.
(Kanashimi: (blink, blink) I think we've finally found someone more deserving of a strait-jacket and a padded room with a view than you, onee-sama.
Chibi Tenshi: No, I would never hurt such a wonderful fan! And I suppose whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm really going to have to draw a fanart of chibi-Hotaru now…
Yami Chikara: Ano… well, I'm glad I've made another convert, but you really don't want a copy of my "Ethics." It's…
(Kanashimi: Long, heavy, boring, antiquated, and boring.
Narrator: Just because some of us don't think it's right to abuse omnipotence…!
Squiggles: "Based on," nothin', Kanashimi's her own person and unfortunately, my little sister.
(Kanashimi: (thwacks Narrator in the back of the head so she faceplants on the key board)
Narrator: 9804u3qoik90!
Ahnkitomiand Shinomori Kyo: Hope ya'll liked this chapter, and the accompanying transformations!
Thank you one and all for your reviews, and please remember, I can't write more of Intermezzo unless I'm alive to do it!
Salute!