"Yzak…"

"Did you think I'd be naïve enough to believe the words of an enemy?"

"…Have I become your enemy now?"

God, I never meant to hurt you, Dearka. I only wish you could somehow know that. If only I weren't so stubborn, or blind…or cruel. I didn't mean those things I said, but you still don't know that, and it's all my fault. I wish I wasn't so scared of you. I wish I hadn't been missing you so much when we met again. I'd have told you what I really meant, and then maybe I wouldn't be feeling this burning, tearing sensation that I'm experiencing right now.

That feeling is for you.

I've been feeling it longer than I can remember now, but I ached even more desperately the moment I caught that glimmer in your violet eyes. Those eyes of yours, making me weak with a longing that I can't seem to put into words. All I can say is that I needed you at that moment, when you stood so determined in front of me; I wanted you to take away all the misery I felt when you weren't there. You stood before me, and yet, I pushed you away. I pierced you with my hateful words, broke you. I could see in your eyes exactly what I'd done. Jesus, I'm so sorry.

How is it you stayed so calm? Why didn't you lose your control? Even when I yelled, you only allowed your cool gaze to wash over me, and you kept trying. You fought for me, for us. For what we ought to have been, and what we could have been if it wasn't for my foolish pride.

I wasn't strong enough to face you. I was always the weaker one. You knew that all along, and so you were there to support me. For all my talk, all my loud-mouthed, arrogant claims and selfish actions, you were beside me, and you didn't care that I was only kidding myself, kidding humanity. I still mattered to you. You meant the world to me, but I never thought I'd have to admit it aloud. Admitting it would have meant that I acknowledged your encouragement, and my pride wouldn't dare let me do such a thing.

I thought I'd have a lifetime to prove my pride wrong.

But you were suddenly lost and my pride had killed us, thwarted every attempt I could have made to tell you just how much affection I had locked away inside. It doesn't matter what I said to you before. No matter how outspoken I dared to be with my verbal lashings, nothing would have proved my loyalty to you better than my actions, had I only risked taking them. I should have seized you then and there, told you how I yearned to be with you, with just you, for the rest of eternity – the rest of time!

I could end it right now, and save myself the pain of having to face you again, after hurting you so badly. I could disappear with these memories forever, take them into a realm where I could drift endlessly and never have to face this harsh world again. But it wouldn't be enough.

And besides, I'm too much of a coward.

I had no idea where you'd gone. Nicol had died, as had Miguel and Rusty long before. Athrun, with his sapphire hair and constant calm, was the only one left. I blocked him out, thinking solely of you, and where you had gone…whether you had died. The room felt desolate, without you in it. No magazines lying half-open on the floor. No light, teasing scent of your shampoo left lingering on your pillow. Empty space.

That emptiness enveloped me like some twisted serpent of bitter remorse, and I closed myself off from everything. What was the point of conscious thinking if you were the only one who permeated my thoughts? I couldn't go on that way, attached so firmly to someone who wasn't coming back.

I tried to forget you, Dearka. I tried so god damned hard to save myself from breaking at the seams.

It's not hard to tell you what I'm like. Every action taken begets competition, every word spoken is an invitation for a sly remark. I was never the type to depend on others, but you broke my barrier. You became my shield instead. You protected me from every stupid mistake I'd ever made, but this time, my mistake was too great, and now you're floating too far away for me to draw you back in again.

How I wanted to reach out and touch you as you turned your back and walked away. I wanted to grab you by the shoulder, whirl you around, scream in your face. Tell you how much I fucking missed you and make you see through me, make you realize what I'd been trying to say. I guess it was selfish to think you'd just figure it out on your own.

I knew you had enough on your mind. I didn't know what happened to you, or why you ended up on their side, but I knew you'd been changed somehow. Your violet eyes were more mature, deeper, like portals into your journeying soul. Whatever light hit you out there in space, while you and I were apart…it made you stronger and bestowed you with a strength I'll never match.

Even when I held you at gunpoint, you didn't waver. You tried until the last moment. You battled your way calmly through that blood red sea, swimming on with vain hopes of throwing me the life raft. But I wouldn't get on. I was determined to let myself drown. And my arm felt leaden as I struggled to hold that cursed gun steady.

It was because I had already steeled myself. Hardened my heart. Convinced myself you were dead.

Then you came back alive. Alive, but a traitor. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to turn, or what I was fighting for, or who was right. If you really had betrayed me, I was determined not to let myself get caught by grief, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I opposed you. And you opposed me back, because you wanted to rescue me and throw me that raft. But in the end, you still didn't win. I defeated you, beat you and your ideals away in order to save my own wretched mind, and yet somehow, it didn't work, and I'm still drowning.

All I know is that I need you. God, Dearka, don't leave me standing here like the fool that I know I am. Don't take my selfish lies as truth. Just come back. Please, just fucking come back and let me speak your name and hear your voice and see you smile. I'm such a fool, and I know now that it's all because of you, because you're everything to me. I know I deserve it, but don't walk away and leave me here alone.

There's still so much I have to tell you. So much I want to share. I want us to break free of this mess, move on to a place where nothing can harm us, not even me. I know you can hear me, and I'm hoping you'll listen.

Damn it, Dearka…I love you.