Scene 2: Paris in Troy
(A crowd of people is gathered around the sheep fields, making a circle around a lone man standing on a rock.)
Paris (MICHAEL PALIN): Citizens of Troy, I, your prince, have an announcement to make!
Random Trojan (ERIC IDLE): You're dying and leaving the kingdom to us so we can have a republic?
Paris: Don't be silly. First of all, republics won't be established for over 1000 years from now! Secondly, how can I be dying if I'm standing on this rock and talking to you right now?
Random Trojan #2 (TERRY GILLIAM): You could have mad cow disease!
Paris: Don't be absurd! I'm a shepherd, not a cowherd!
Random Trojan: You could have mad sheep disease!
Paris: Will you shut up! (quiets down) Yesterday, I was visited by the goddesses Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera. They had been given a golden apple, but they had a problem.
Random Trojan: They needed to borrow a knife from you so they could share it!
Paris: Of course not! Anyway, they told me that the apple was for the fairest, and they chose me to decide which one of them was the fairest.
Random Trojan #2: Why you?
Paris: They knew I would be impartial and unbiased!
Random Trojan: Then why'd they go to you? Last Olympics, you cheated and made your favorite team win! Explain that!
Crowd Members: Yeah! Explain that! Try getting out of that one!
Paris: (annoyed) We don't have the Olympics. They're held in Sparta.
Random Trojan: S' part of what? (laughs)
Paris: Shut up! (quiets) Now then, the three goddesses made me individual offers. Hera promised to make me a powerful king, and Athena promised to make me a powerful warrior. But Aphrodite promised me the most beautiful woman of all. And guess who I picked.
Random Trojan: Hera!
Random Trojan #2: Athena!
Random Trojan #3 (TERRY JONES): Dionysus!
Paris: What?
Random Trojan #3: Sorry!
Paris: As I was saying, I picked Aphrodite, and so I now know that Helen of Sparta is the most beautiful woman in the world. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, the fair maiden is already married to King Menelaus. I wish to gather a few men together who can work a ship well so that I may be able to take Helen from Sparta back to Troy, so that I, Paris, may make her my own!
Random Trojan: What did you say?
Paris: I said, "So that I, Paris…"
Random Trojan: Yeah, that's the bit that bothers me.
Paris: What's the matter with it?
Random Trojan: Well, Paris is in France. You can't be Paris. You're in Troy.
Paris: No, that's my name!
Random Trojan: No, Paris is the city Paris's name. Look, come on and quit it! You're not Paris! All you are is the prince!
Paris: Correct! Prince Paris!
Random Trojan: Now that's oppression! He thinks he's as mighty as a town we shouldn't even know about!
Paris: Look, we have a lot of things that come from France! For instance, a few beautiful tapestries, French fries…
Random Trojan #3: No, fries are made in grease! (laughs)
Random Trojan: He's right! (laughs)
Paris: They don't make French fries in Greece! If they did, they would be called Greek fries!
Random Trojan #3: No, they're made in grease! You know, the fattening…
Paris: Fattening? Do you mean to say that the Greeks are fattening their empire?
Random Trojan #3: No, that's not…
Paris: Very well! Come, loyal subjects! We must save Helen from the fattening of Greece! Follow me!
(Everyone follows Paris except for Random Trojan #2)
Random Trojan #2: Wait a minute! France hasn't even been discovered yet! Fellows! Fellows? (grumbles) Oh, well.
Stay tuned for Scene 3: Menelaus Recruits the Men!