A Different Kind of Pain:

I wonder sometimes how life would have been if I had never met him, if I hadn't gone up Brokeback with him, if I had married Alma just a few months earlier. Who would I be if I hadn't met him that day?

That cursed, beautiful, fatal and fateful day that changed my life and me.

I wonder if I would have been able to show my daughters any love at all. Because he taught me how to show people I love them without saying a word.

Jack liked to talk, and I can't deny that he was good at it, but there was one thing he never said, and neither did I.

But what does the words really mean when it's the feelings that count. Words aren't everything.

I knew Jack loved me; it was in every look and every touch he gave me.

I was never as good as him when it came to showing emotions. My every look didn't reflect the feelings in my heart, my every touch wasn't filled with the love I felt for him, the love I still feel for him. I never really showed or told him how I feel, because the truth is I have iron walls built around my heart, and the gate leading in is shut tight and bolted with several locks. I never truly let anyone in. Not until Jack came along and with a stubbornness that was characteristic for him broke down the door and slipped inside without me even noticing it.

He made into my heart, but I wonder if he knew that.

I'll never have a chance to tell him.

I'll never have a chance to tell him that I love him, tell him that my heart aches with longing for him.

That my life lost its worth when he died, leaving me alone, cold, grieving and regretting.

Longing for him with every fibre of my being, seeing his face on every surface and every time I close my eyes. Seeing his eyes in the blue sky or when the lighting hits. Invading my sleep and every waking moment.

These feelings causing pain and tearing me apart fast and without mercy.

I'm not saying that there was no pain while he was alive, but it was a different kind of pain.

A deep longing, but one I could live with because I knew I would see him again.

I knew I would find solace and love in his arms and eyes.