Author's Notes

Okay, folks, this is the end of In The Sun. There will be a sequel, but it'll take a little more time than usual to get it up. I'm kind of burned out right now, and I need a break. I hope you guys will understand. The sequel will be called The Sun And The Moon, so keep a look out. I want to say thank you to everyone that has stuck with me through this piece. I know a lot of you were afraid of what I was doing with them. I really appreciated all of your support.

Disclaimer: I do not own the South Of Nowhere characters. They belong to Tom Lynch. The lyrics used in this chapter are from the song "In The Sun" by Joseph Arthur.

In The Sun

Chapter 13

By Persephone's Nautical Nun

- Spencer -

My sneakers echoed through the hall as I made my way down to where they were keeping Ashley. My footsteps were unbelievably loud in my ears, even though the hall was bustling with nurses running around. I grew more uncertain with every step I took. I had no idea what to expect.

I waited an agonizing fifteen minutes after Dr. Brown told me she had gone into cardiac arrest. Fifteen minutes of Ashley's life hanging on the line. I both hoped for, and dreaded the doctor's return. Maybe I didn't want to know.

They had explained that they found a large amount of cocaine in her bloodstream, and this was simply a case of overdosing. Of course, I knew all of that, but I guess they felt the need to tell me. I couldn't help but wonder why it wasn't me in that bed. She's the one who had built up an immunity to it. It took her more to get high, it should have taken her more to overdose, too.

I guess the amount needed for an OD is different for everybody. Maybe my heart's just stronger, though I couldn't believe that for a second.

I tried to remember how I got here. I tried to remember how my life had stopped being about finding myself and started being about getting high. No, it was never about that. I know that for sure. It was about her. My life was completely about Ashley, so much so that I forgot who I was.

What good was I to her if I didn't even know myself?

I stopped outside of her room, and stared at her form through the tiny rectangle of glass in the door. She looked so frail, and small, with wires coming from her arms into machines that gave her the things her body couldn't right now. She was always small, but she looked outright tiny, now. She looked almost breakable, and I found myself missing that strong woman I had met in the library. I noticed, for the first time, that her hair had started to lose its volume, and she had dark circles around her eyes. She looked like death warmed over, and I idly wondered if I looked the same.

Pushing on the heavy hospital door, I entered her room. The sterility and reality of everything hit me in that moment. The florescent lights were too bright, trying to make something light out of something so dark. She had been asleep, but her eyes fluttered open at the sound of the door slamming behind me. We sat there looking at each other for a long moment, and we knew. We knew everything.

I approached her, and sat on the side of her bed, taking her hand in mine. There was no fire in this gesture. No sparks flew between us. This was dull, and painful, like a cutter desperately needing to hurt themselves, but only having a ball point pen. I opened my mouth to speak, but somehow couldn't find words.

"I'm sorry." She was the first to break the silence between us, and I saw a ghost of who she used to be. But, it was only a ghost.

I tore my gaze away from her eyes. I couldn't think of anything better to look at, so I closed them, finding it easier to deal with all of this if I didn't have to see her. "Ashley, I--"

"Please," I heard her say with such a sound of pleading in her voice. What was left of my heart was breaking. She knew what was coming.

"Ashley, I love you, but--"

"Please, Spence..." This time I heard tears in her voice. I finally found enough courage to look at her again, and confirmed the fact that she was crying. I had never seen her cry before.

I wanted to cry with her, to show her that this was hurting me, too. I couldn't. I felt robbed that my tears were being held from me by some outside force. I felt the tears behind my eyes, but they refused to surface. I tried to will them into being, but they just wouldn't come.

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, searching for the right words. My hand moved to cup her face, her skin feeling loose and rubbery beneath my fingers. "I can't. Not like this," I said, with a gentle shake of my head.

I watched as she leaned into my hand, and let her tears come freely. She had been fighting a losing battle with them before, but now she had given up the fight.

As we sat there, the song she had first played for me that first day came crashing back into my mind.

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wished for and all you need
And trying to find anything, you can feel, that you can believe in
May God's love be with you
Always

It took everything I had to pry my hand away from her face. With a final apologetic look, I got up and headed towards the door.

---South-Of-Nowhere---

- Ashley -

When she came in, she looked stronger than I had ever seen her, though it was apparent that she was incredibly shaken.

I had known what was coming before she said it. In my heart, I knew that she was right. I couldn't keep doing this to her. It wasn't fair, but still, I tried to stop it. I pleaded. I needed her.

Her hand was so warm against my cold cheek, and I would have given anything to keep her there. But, as she walked away from me, I saw the damage that I had done. She had lost a significant amount of weight, and lost a lot of her color. Anyone could tell she was on something just by looking at her. How could I have done that to her?

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
Cause when you showed me myself you know, I became some one else
But I was caught in between all you wished for, and all you need
I picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes, you can't keep away
May God's love be with you
Always

"I know, Spencer. I do love you. And I am sorry," I managed to say before she left. I saw her give me a small nod and a sad smile, and then she was gone.

The doctors kept me for a couple of days, wanting to make sure I was going to stay stable and okay. Apparently, I had some kind of mild heart attack causing me to go into cardiac arrest. It seems my heart's been through a lot, lately.

Kelly was surprisingly kind enough to pick me up from the hospital. We shared a rigid hug, not really knowing what to say to each other, and not really knowing if we wanted to in the first place. I stayed cooped up in my mother's house for a few days, considering we were out of school, and the campus was closed. I didn't dare call Spencer, afraid that she'd hang up on me, or worse, talk to me. I didn't think I could handle the sound of her voice at the time.

I needed to change. That much was obvious, but I couldn't do it by myself. I wasn't strong enough. I needed help.

Well, I don't know anymore what it's for, I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun, won't you help me to understand
Cause I've been caught in between all I wished for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for anymore like me
May God's love be with you
Always

"Sign here," the woman at the rehab center said to me, kindness in her voice.

With a shaky hand, I scratched my name on the dotted line she was pointing to, signing my life over to the doctors, and nurses, and psychologists until they felt I was no longer a danger to myself and those around me.

Cause if I find
If I find my way
What else will I find?

To Be Continued In The Sun And The Moon